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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6978 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 12, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 39 years old IT employee , I have monthly income of 3.5 lakhs and have a 10 years old son and wife .I have 35 lakhs in PF and 8 lakhs in ppf ,All I invested is in real estate and no other investments also i have 48 lakhs lakh an remaining for a house ,Where should I invest of I need to lan retirement by 50 will need 1.5 lakhs income per month post that

Ans: Retiring by age 50 with a steady monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakhs is a significant goal. Given your current assets, it's crucial to strategically plan your investments to achieve this target. You have a strong base, and with careful planning, you can reach your retirement goals.

Assessing Current Financial Situation
You have a solid monthly income of Rs. 3.5 lakhs. This is a good start.

You have Rs. 35 lakhs in your Provident Fund (PF) and Rs. 8 lakhs in your Public Provident Fund (PPF). These are excellent long-term savings.

You have invested Rs. 48 lakhs in real estate. However, real estate alone may not be enough for retirement. Diversifying your portfolio is crucial.

Understanding the Importance of Diversification
Diversification is key to minimizing risk and maximizing returns. Currently, your investments are concentrated in real estate. You should consider diversifying into different asset classes.

Building a Balanced Investment Portfolio
1. Equity Mutual Funds:

Equity mutual funds can provide high returns over the long term. They are suitable for your retirement goal, which is more than a decade away.

Consider allocating a portion of your funds to diversified equity mutual funds. These funds invest in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap stocks, providing a balanced exposure to the equity market.

2. Debt Mutual Funds:

Debt mutual funds are less risky compared to equity funds. They provide stable returns and can be used to balance the risk in your portfolio.

Investing in debt funds will ensure that a portion of your investments remains safe, while still earning moderate returns.

3. Public Provident Fund (PPF):

Your current PPF investment is Rs. 8 lakhs. Continue contributing to PPF as it offers tax benefits and guaranteed returns. It’s a safe investment for long-term financial goals.

4. Provident Fund (PF):

With Rs. 35 lakhs in PF, you already have a significant amount saved. Ensure you continue contributing to this fund, as it provides a reliable source of retirement income.

Exploring the Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds, run by experienced fund managers, can potentially outperform the market. These funds require active monitoring and adjustment, which can lead to better returns compared to passive index funds.

Disadvantages of Index Funds:

Index funds follow the market index, and they do not aim to outperform it. This means during market downturns, index funds will also suffer. They lack the flexibility to adjust holdings based on market conditions.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds:

Actively managed funds have the potential to generate higher returns. Fund managers can make strategic decisions based on market trends and economic conditions. They can also provide a more tailored investment approach.

Considering the Role of Certified Financial Planners
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can offer several advantages. They provide personalized advice and help create a financial plan tailored to your goals.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds:

Investing directly without professional guidance can be risky. You might miss out on strategic opportunities and fail to manage risk effectively. A CFP can help optimize your investment strategy.

Benefits of Regular Funds through CFP:

Investing through regular funds with the help of a CFP ensures you receive expert advice. They can help you navigate market complexities and make informed decisions. This professional guidance can lead to better financial outcomes.

Creating a Retirement Corpus
To achieve your retirement goal of Rs. 1.5 lakhs monthly income post-retirement, you need to build a substantial corpus. Given your current assets and income, a disciplined investment approach is essential.

1. Setting Clear Goals:

Define how much you need at retirement. This will help you understand how much to save and invest each month.

2. Regular Investments:

Invest regularly in mutual funds through Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs). SIPs help in averaging out market volatility and build a corpus over time.

3. Reviewing and Rebalancing:

Regularly review your investment portfolio. Rebalance it to ensure it aligns with your goals and risk tolerance. This involves shifting funds between asset classes based on market performance and your investment horizon.

Importance of Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover unforeseen expenses. This fund should cover at least six months' worth of expenses. It ensures you don't have to dip into your long-term investments in case of emergencies.

Managing Insurance Needs
Ensure you have adequate insurance coverage. Life insurance protects your family in case of any unfortunate event. Health insurance covers medical expenses, preventing financial strain.

Planning for Your Child's Future
Your 10-year-old son's education and future needs should also be planned for. Consider investing in child-specific mutual funds or creating a dedicated investment plan for his higher education and other needs.

Evaluating Current Investments
Real Estate:

While real estate can provide good returns, it's not very liquid. Consider the rental income potential and capital appreciation of your property.

Provident Fund (PF) and Public Provident Fund (PPF):

These are secure investments with tax benefits. Continue contributing to these funds for long-term stability.

Achieving Financial Independence
To achieve financial independence by 50, you need a comprehensive financial plan. This involves:

1. Increasing Savings:

Try to save and invest a significant portion of your income. Aim to save at least 30-40% of your monthly income.

2. Reducing Debt:

Avoid taking on new debt. Pay off any existing loans to reduce financial burden.

3. Enhancing Income:

Explore ways to increase your income. This could be through promotions, bonuses, or side gigs.

Final Insights
Reaching your retirement goal by 50 is achievable with disciplined planning and strategic investments. Diversify your portfolio, invest in equity and debt mutual funds, and continue contributing to PF and PPF. Seek guidance from a Certified Financial Planner to optimize your investments and ensure a secure financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6978 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 04, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi I have around 30 lakhs in MF, 5 lakhs in equity , 4.5 lakhs in PPF AND around 1.5 lakhs in PF. I am 28 as of now how should i plan my investment i can invest 50-60 k per month. I have my parental home so i do not have an immediate goal of buying a home.
Ans: Assessing Your Current Financial Position
You have already made significant progress in your investments. Your portfolio includes mutual funds, equity, PPF, and PF.

Mutual Funds: Rs. 30 lakhs

Equity: Rs. 5 lakhs

PPF: Rs. 4.5 lakhs

PF: Rs. 1.5 lakhs

You are 28 years old, which is a great age to build a strong financial foundation.

Monthly Investment Capacity
You can invest Rs. 50,000 to Rs. 60,000 per month. This is a substantial amount for wealth creation.

Goals and Time Horizon
Define your financial goals and their time horizons. Common goals might include:

Emergency Fund: Immediate

Retirement: Long-term

Higher Education for Children: Medium to long-term

Travel or Lifestyle Upgrades: Medium-term

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover 6 to 12 months of expenses. This should be easily accessible.

Retirement Planning
Start planning for retirement early. Invest in a mix of equity and debt for a balanced approach.

Investment Strategy
Your investment strategy should balance growth and safety.

Equity Investments
Mutual Funds: Continue investing in mutual funds. They offer diversification and professional management.

Direct Equity: Direct equity investments can provide high returns but come with higher risk.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Time-Consuming: Managing direct funds requires constant research.

Lack of Professional Guidance: You may miss out on expert advice.

Benefits of Regular Funds
Professional Management: Regular funds are managed by experts.

Convenience: Saves time and provides professional insights.

Debt Investments
PPF: Continue investing in PPF for tax-free returns and safety.

Debt Mutual Funds: These provide stable returns and are more tax-efficient.

Balanced Portfolio
A balanced portfolio reduces risk and maximizes returns.

Suggested Allocation:

Equity: 60% to 70%

Debt: 30% to 40%

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Invest through SIPs for rupee cost averaging and disciplined investing.

Tax Planning
Consider tax-efficient investments to minimize your tax burden.

Reviewing and Rebalancing
Review your portfolio regularly and rebalance it to align with your goals.

Professional Guidance
Seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for personalized planning.

Conclusion
Your financial journey is off to a great start. Continue investing wisely and review your plans regularly.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6978 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 28, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello sir, I am 38 years old married, 1 child.Monthly expenses are 60k ( including the home loan emi).My present portfolio is 20 lakhs in ppf, 60 thousand in NPS (just started), 2 lakhs emergency fund fd,1.5 lakhs in sukanya samriddhi, 6 lakhs in mf (monthly sip of 20), home loan outstanding amount is 8 lakhs, 5 lakhs gold bond.I have around 90 lakhs to Invest, where shall I invest this money?
Ans: First, let’s appreciate your existing investments. You have Rs. 20 lakhs in PPF, Rs. 60,000 in NPS, Rs. 2 lakhs in an emergency fund FD, Rs. 1.5 lakhs in Sukanya Samriddhi, Rs. 6 lakhs in mutual funds (with a monthly SIP of Rs. 20,000), Rs. 8 lakhs in a home loan, and Rs. 5 lakhs in gold bonds. This is a well-diversified portfolio and a solid foundation.

Assessing Financial Goals and Risk Tolerance
Understanding your financial goals is key. You are 38, married, with one child. It’s crucial to plan for your child's education, your retirement, and possibly any other goals like buying a new car or a family vacation. Your monthly expenses are Rs. 60,000, including your home loan EMI. With Rs. 90 lakhs to invest, let's look at how you can make the most of this amount.

Emergency Fund Enhancement
Your emergency fund is Rs. 2 lakhs, which is a good start. However, for better financial security, aim to have at least 6 months of expenses set aside. With your monthly expenses at Rs. 60,000, a 6-month emergency fund would be Rs. 3.6 lakhs. Consider increasing your emergency fund by Rs. 1.6 lakhs.

Paying Off Debt
Your home loan outstanding amount is Rs. 8 lakhs. Paying off this debt can be a good idea as it reduces financial stress and saves on interest. Using Rs. 8 lakhs to clear this loan would free up your monthly EMI amount, increasing your monthly disposable income.

Enhancing Retirement Savings
Your contribution to NPS has just started. NPS is a good retirement vehicle due to its tax benefits and potential for long-term growth. Consider allocating a portion of your Rs. 90 lakhs to boost your NPS investment. This will enhance your retirement corpus significantly.

Child’s Education Fund
The Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana for your daughter is a great initiative. However, considering the rising costs of education, it’s essential to supplement this with additional investments. You might consider mutual funds focused on long-term growth, like equity funds, for building a substantial education corpus.

Mutual Funds for Wealth Accumulation
You already have Rs. 6 lakhs in mutual funds with a monthly SIP of Rs. 20,000. Increasing your SIP amount can significantly enhance your wealth over time. Actively managed funds can provide better returns compared to index funds due to active management and potential for higher gains.

Gold as a Hedge
Gold bonds worth Rs. 5 lakhs are a good hedge against inflation and market volatility. It’s prudent to hold onto these as part of a diversified portfolio. However, don’t increase your gold allocation further since it’s not a high-growth asset.

Direct vs. Regular Mutual Funds
You might have heard about direct mutual funds, which have lower expense ratios. However, direct funds require you to manage and monitor them yourself. Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) in regular funds offers you professional advice and management, potentially leading to better returns despite the slightly higher cost. The expertise and strategic guidance of a CFP can be invaluable in navigating market complexities.

Investing in Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds have the advantage of professional management aiming to outperform the market. They can adapt to market changes more effectively than index funds. Given your significant amount to invest, actively managed funds can offer the potential for higher returns through skilled management and market opportunities.

Diversification Across Asset Classes
Investing in a diversified portfolio is essential. Consider allocating your Rs. 90 lakhs across different asset classes such as equity, debt, and hybrid funds. Equity funds, including large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds, offer growth potential. Debt funds provide stability and regular income, making them less volatile.

Equity Mutual Funds
For long-term growth, equity mutual funds are beneficial. Large-cap funds provide stability with moderate returns, while mid-cap and small-cap funds offer higher growth potential but with increased risk. A diversified equity fund portfolio can balance growth and risk effectively.

Debt Mutual Funds
Debt funds are ideal for stability and regular income. They invest in fixed-income securities like bonds and government securities. They’re less volatile and provide consistent returns, making them a suitable choice for conservative investors.

Hybrid Funds
Hybrid funds, which invest in both equity and debt, offer a balanced approach. They provide growth potential from equity investments and stability from debt investments. They’re a good choice for moderate risk-takers looking for balanced returns.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
SIPs are a great way to invest regularly and benefit from market fluctuations through rupee cost averaging. Increasing your SIP amount can enhance your investment corpus significantly over time. It also instills disciplined investing habits.

Lump Sum Investments
Given your substantial amount to invest, consider spreading your investments over time through Systematic Transfer Plans (STPs). This approach can mitigate market timing risk and ensure smoother entry into the market.

Tax Planning
Investments should also be tax-efficient. Tax-saving mutual funds (ELSS) provide tax benefits under Section 80C and have the potential for good returns. Ensure your investments are aligned with your tax planning to maximize returns post-tax.

Insurance
Insurance is crucial for financial security. Ensure you have adequate health and life insurance coverage. If you have any investment-cum-insurance policies like LIC or ULIPs, consider surrendering them and reallocating the funds into more efficient investment vehicles like mutual funds.

Regular Portfolio Review
Regularly reviewing your portfolio is essential to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals. Market conditions change, and so do your financial goals and risk tolerance. Periodic reviews and rebalancing of your portfolio with the help of a CFP can ensure optimal performance.

Professional Guidance
Working with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide you with personalized advice tailored to your financial goals. A CFP can help you navigate market complexities, optimize your portfolio, and achieve your financial goals efficiently.

Building a Comprehensive Financial Plan
Creating a comprehensive financial plan involves assessing your current financial situation, setting clear goals, and devising strategies to achieve them. It includes budgeting, saving, investing, tax planning, and risk management. A well-structured financial plan can guide you towards financial security and independence.

Monitoring and Adjusting Investments
The financial markets are dynamic, and your financial plan should be adaptable to changes. Regular monitoring and timely adjustments to your investments are crucial. This ensures your portfolio remains aligned with your goals and risk tolerance, maximizing the potential for achieving your financial objectives.

Importance of Long-term Perspective
Investing with a long-term perspective is key to building wealth. Short-term market fluctuations are inevitable, but maintaining a long-term view helps in riding out volatility and achieving substantial growth over time. Patience and discipline are essential in the journey of wealth creation.

Leveraging Technology
Using technology can enhance your investment experience. Various financial apps and tools provide easy access to your investment portfolio, market updates, and analytical tools. Leveraging these tools can help you make informed decisions and stay updated on your financial progress.

Final Insights
Your financial journey is unique and deserves a tailored approach. By enhancing your emergency fund, paying off debt, investing in diversified mutual funds, and leveraging professional guidance, you can achieve your financial goals. Remember, the key to successful investing is a balanced approach, regular monitoring, and staying informed. Your commitment to financial planning today will pave the way for a secure and prosperous future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6978 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 30, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 29 years old married male working in private sector with monthly income of 1lacs per month, currently I dont have any loans on me, I want to buy a house by the time I am 35 or 36 in NCR, secondly I want to invest for my childs future studies and marriage he is one year old now and lastly I want to retire by 55-56 with 5-7 cr in hand. Currently I have invested in one ULIP policy of hdfc life with 60000 as anual premium, I have term life insurance with 85000 as annual premium and cover of 2 cr till I am 85 years old. I have 2 sip runnings 3500 each one in mirae asset mutual fund and one in icici prudential blue chip fund, apart from these I have invested approx 5lacs in various equities as well which involve infosys, tata steel, tata motors, anand rathi wealth management, vodafone Idea, exide ind, jsw energy, rail tel, lic, sbi cards, bob, etc. along with all these investments I send approx 20k to my parents every month I want to know how and where should I invest further to achieve my goals of buying a house, my child's future and my retirement.
Ans: Assessing Your Current Financial Situation
You have a solid financial foundation. With a monthly income of Rs 1 lakh and no loans, you have ample opportunities to build wealth. Your investments in mutual funds, equities, and insurance are commendable. However, achieving your goals requires a more focused strategy.

Buying a House in NCR by Age 35-36
Down Payment Savings: Start a targeted savings plan. You’ll need around 20-30% of the property value for the down payment. Consider investing in a short-term debt mutual fund. This will provide stability and some growth over the next few years.

Avoid ULIPs for House Savings: ULIPs often have high charges and may not yield as much as a well-chosen mutual fund. Consider reallocating your ULIP investments to more suitable options.

Equity Diversification: Your current stock portfolio is diverse. However, for short-term goals like buying a house, reduce exposure to volatile stocks. Consider moving some funds to more stable, dividend-yielding stocks.

Planning for Your Child’s Future
Education Fund: Start a dedicated SIP in a child education-focused mutual fund. Actively managed funds have the potential for higher returns, which will help you build a significant corpus over time. Increase your SIP contributions as your income grows.

Marriage Fund: Start a parallel SIP for your child’s marriage. Since this is a long-term goal, allocate more towards equity funds, which tend to outperform other asset classes over the long term.

Review Insurance Needs: Your current term life insurance is adequate for now. However, as your family grows, you may need to reassess your coverage. Ensure your term plan adequately covers future education and marriage expenses.

Retirement Planning by Age 55-56
Corpus Target: To retire with Rs 5-7 crore, you need aggressive growth in your investments. Increase your SIP contributions in equity mutual funds. Actively managed funds can outperform index funds over the long term, especially in the Indian market.

Regular Contributions: Continue and gradually increase your SIPs as your income rises. The power of compounding will help you achieve your retirement goal.

Diversification: Diversify across different equity funds to reduce risk. Consider adding a balanced mutual fund to your portfolio for a mix of growth and stability.

Refining Your Current Investments
Review ULIP: The ULIP you’ve invested in may not be the best option for long-term growth. The charges involved are often high, and returns might not match those of mutual funds. Consider surrendering the ULIP and reallocating those funds into SIPs.

Mutual Fund Strategy: Your current SIPs in Mirae Asset and ICICI Prudential are good choices. However, considering your long-term goals, you might want to increase your SIP contributions or add more funds that align with your risk profile.

Stock Portfolio: Your equity investments are diverse. Ensure that you periodically review the performance of each stock. Stay updated on company performance, especially in volatile sectors like telecom.

Supporting Your Parents
Budget Allocation: Continue sending Rs 20,000 to your parents. This is a noble gesture and should be factored into your monthly budget. Ensure that this commitment doesn’t compromise your investment goals.

Emergency Fund: Keep an emergency fund aside for unexpected family needs. A portion of this can be in a liquid fund or a fixed deposit for quick access.

Final Insights
Reassess Insurance: Ensure that your term insurance adequately covers all future financial responsibilities. Avoid mixing insurance with investment. Term plans are cost-effective for pure life cover.

Avoid Real Estate as Investment: Focus on mutual funds and equity investments for long-term wealth creation. Real estate can be a high-cost, low-liquidity investment.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner: Regularly review and adjust your investment strategy with a Certified Financial Planner. They can help you stay on track to meet your goals.

Your financial goals are ambitious, but with a well-structured plan, they are achievable. Keep investing consistently and review your strategy regularly.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |397 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 03, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Me and my bf are resident docters in a hospital .We hardly had time with each other ,but always supported each other in difficult times.Through fights ,breakups ,patch ups ,we were there all in these 3 years .He has always been more career oriented , hardly expressed any feelings on his own for me ,he only expressed or said i love when i asked him too .Now i m in my last year of md exams ,he got selected in aiims delhi dm since he was senior to me .Now he hardly communicates with me ,like in 48 h ,all we do is talk for 2 min ,where he hardly says anything ,sometimes he talks is about work.I have asked him multiple times if anything wrong i did ,he has kept on saying he is busy ,he says atleast i call u ,i hardly have time for anyone.He says all he sees now is his work ,patients and career . I have always adjusted according to him ,now it is becoming difficult to adjust .I cant take the trauma of leaving him ,because i have very important exams in 4 months .He was my only bestfriend ,my guide ,my love .He has been changed person .But i m studying and working almost 20 hrs , how to cope up ,i m all alone in this melodrama ,sometimes i wish i was dead
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your feelings are valid. It is indeed difficult to adjust to an unexpressive partner. One out of two things can be happening here- one, he does not know how to express his emotions; that is who he is fundamentally. Two, the work pressure and hectic hours have made him detached. You can try having an open conversation with him about it and let him know that you are not being able to carry on like this. Communicate your concerns and how his attitude toward you has affected your mental health. That is the only way to move forward. After the conversation either of two things will happen- it will be a wake-up call for him and things will change for the better. Or, he will continue to behave the same way and you have to rethink the relationship. My suggestion is to have the talk after your exams. I know you think he is your everything, but you are your everything. Do not let this relationship waste the years of hard work you have put into your studies. Focus on yourself and trust me when I say this- value yourself the way you want others to value you. If you don't, why would anyone else?

I hope this helps. Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1274 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 31, 2024
Relationship
I am married for last 3 years. I found out about my wife's sexual past just months into our marriage. I even enquired her about her past before our marriage and told her that I don't tolerate lies and don't believe in premarital sex but she still lied to me and deceived into a fraud marriage. So I started sleeping with prostitutes and call girls as a revenge. I even had an affair with a divorced woman but that didn't last long. I know I didn't do anything wrong. She is the one is in the wrong. She deceived me into a fraud marriage. Should I forgive her and live with her?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
instead of dealing with the problem at hand, you decided to go and create more problems?
What prevented you from actually talking to your wife. If you felt cheated, was it not possible for you to channel the anger by having a conversation with her about it? Revenge never helped anyone, but well...
Now, by blaming her, what can happen is that she will defend and you will again accuse and this will go on...
So, yes you are feeling cheated and deceived by her. You have two ways of approaching it. rebuild your marriage and start with a clean slate which means she cannot keep secrets with you anymore OR you can build more anger which is bound to destroy the marriage. I would suggest the first option where you get a fair chance to express how you feel to her and also come clean with your revenge scene with her...this may help both of you put things aside and rebuild the connection. Give this a fair shot!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1274 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 05, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hello, I am a 42 year old woman with a 14 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. Ours was an arranged marriage. I got married at age 23 and my husband is just 2 years older to me. Right from the beginning my husband is great at cooking, household chores etc but never expresses romance openly. I was always a emotional woman who slowly turned to him and stopped expressing my needs well. So far out marriage was great cos I avoided confrontations and arguments. Only thing was he was always a critical person and I am emotional girl . Since I cld not express myself clearly as he never heard me, my communication with him sounded nagging, comparing and complaining. In 2011, he cheated on me and I learnt on his affair. I did not know how to process this phase so immediately forgave him within 2-3 days and even ended up being pregnant with my daughter. However he never used to speak on his past affair not were my feelings resolved. Whenever he would speak rudely or yelled at kids or me for little things, the past trauma would trigger and I would openly remind him of his grave mistake. This went on and he would get agitated and keep quiet. One day he did tell me that lifelong he needs to live with this past of me reminding him. But he has never understood the trauma I have gone through. I have just repressed it all along. Cut short 2024- there is lots of resentment with us. In 2022, I saw messages that he exchanged with another lady colleague on romantic songs , good morning messages and they would casually meet for lunch etc . This time I flew in rage and assumed he has cheated on me again. Told him first time I was a fool who didn't notice things right under my nose and now this is the latest. We had a big fight. I reminded him of his dirty past. At first he looked shocked from these allegations and told me he will clarify everything later. But next day in 2022 , when I asked him, he appeared to be a changed man and sounded more confident that he didn't do anything wrong. I pestered him to take me to office, we went to his office I met this lady and politely told her to stop sending good morning messages to my husband. I indirectly told her I have trust issues because of a past but did not elaborate. My husband who had taken me to the office , later was annoyed because apparently the woman colleague was annoyed about me coming to office and also mentioned about my trust issues. At this point this great husband spilt out to her that he had cheated on me. I never ever disclosed anything to her. Later he messaged me saying he was very annoyed and upset that I disclosed the dirty past to his colleague and if anything happens to his job he will never forgive me. I did tell him I never disclosed but he did not belive me. From 2022 until now we are almost in a silent divorce phase. We sleep in different bedroom and only communicate basic stuff on milk, curd , veggies etc He had never connected to me emotionally and would always get annoyed when I wld cry or show my frustrations. Now after all this he has literally cut me off emotionally. In this period from 2022-till now I did try to get back to normal but his vibes are very negative and disconnected. So even I too started distancing myself. During 2022, after the incident he had mentioned on how it is important to work, ve independent and how he favours open relationships ( non sexually). I was always working but earned lesser and used to depend on him a lot. Now I have changed in these 2 years, I have a better job and am not at all dependent on him emotionally, physically or mentally. Infact I pitch in to our household expenses.Our lives are totally disconnected and we there just for the kids. He cooks for all of us, I take care of remaining chores and help them in their studies . We don't attend family events and this has left many guessing on our status. I have lot of unresolved emotions and since he cannot process my emotions or least interested to hear me out I don't know when I will explode. I am just repressing my feelings and keeping a happy cheerful face for the family and kids. We even went for a vacation for kids sake where we just interacted with kids. Kids know things are not allright and pray for us together. I know this isn't healthy for me and I will invite psychosomatic issues in life later on. I am still attached to him and maybe once he expresses a sorry or a remorse and have a hope we can fall back in love again. Why can he never understand that emotional trauma that I have gone through Inspite of being loyal to him always. For once if he just uses kind words and apologises I will forever love him and forget everything.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband perhaps is someone who is not great at conflict management; he finds it easier to avoid it and avoidance can mean that he hopes that it will go away or that you will stop talking about it or that he can find ways of actually pinning the blame on you for the way that he is feeling.
So, you will come across as nagging and may also feel guilty for asking him to listen to the way that you feel about the past incident. This is classic avoidance response from him that will make you wonder of you are actually wrong and at some point you may even start justifying his actions.
Repression is temporary; eventually all the emotions will collect themselves and hit back when you least expect it. If you want him to hear you and the way you have felt about his cheating, he will again get pushed into an avoidance mode. He has not learned any other way of handling conflicts. So, either you can go to couples counseling together OR you accept this side of him. Sounds too much to do, yeah? But how can you change a person who does not want to change. Some people also cannot express their love the way you have mentioned.
Since you still love him, I can only assume that the marriage holds a lot of significance for you. Then you can be happy only when he changes OR you accept him... which one seems more doable, start with that first...who knows if an external person like an expert can actually guide the two of you, things may fall in place!
I would also suggest requesting him for an honest chat where he is also in a space to LISTEN to you...try...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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