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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7828 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 01, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Narender Question by Narender on Oct 17, 2024Hindi
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17th Oct - 2024 Dear Sir, I am a self employed 51 year old male having a combined corpus of 1 cr including my wife in Mutual funds. My wife is a homemaker & have 2 sons both are unmarried and are working in pvt firms. I also have various LIC Term Policies , Endowement , Jeevan Saral & Jeevan Anand policies. Now, for my retirement plan for getting a fixed income as a pension, I am thinking of going for HDFC LIFE GURANTEE WEALTH PLUS Plan which has a premium of Rupees 5 Lakh annually which is to be paid for 12 years for which I would start getting a Fixed income of Rs. 7,12,000/- annually. Besides the above plan I also intend to start SWP of the Mutal Fund Corpus which we have from the age of 65 years. Kindly give your valuable advice on this, and suggest if we can have something better than this. Thanking You, Narender Sharma

Ans: You and your wife currently hold Rs 1 crore in mutual funds. It’s wise to have this corpus growing for retirement and to consider a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) after reaching 65.

An SWP from mutual funds can give flexibility, especially if spread across diversified funds. You’ll be able to generate steady income while keeping funds in growth-oriented investments, which could continue compounding.

LIC Policies Evaluation

You have various LIC policies, including Term, Endowment, Jeevan Saral, and Jeevan Anand. Traditional policies like these often carry lower returns, as they focus on insurance rather than investment growth.

Term plans are valuable, as they provide substantial coverage at lower costs. But investment-oriented policies like Endowment and Jeevan plans generally yield low returns, around 4-6%, which may not be ideal for retirement planning.

If these plans have served their purpose for insurance cover, consider surrendering or partially withdrawing them, reinvesting in growth-oriented assets, such as mutual funds, for better wealth accumulation.

Evaluation of HDFC Life Guarantee Wealth Plus Plan
HDFC Life Guarantee Wealth Plus is a structured ULIP plan offering guaranteed income after the premium payment period. However, ULIPs often have high fees and limited growth compared to mutual funds. Also, locking Rs 5 lakh annually for 12 years might affect cash flow flexibility.

Drawbacks of ULIP-Based Plans

High Charges: Premium allocation, policy administration, and fund management fees reduce the net return.

Limited Growth Potential: ULIPs, due to costs, generally underperform compared to mutual funds in terms of returns.

Liquidity Constraints: Premiums are locked for the initial 5 years, limiting early access.

Suggested Approach to Retirement Income Planning
1. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) for Mutual Funds

A well-planned SWP from a diversified mutual fund corpus provides stable monthly or annual income while allowing capital appreciation.

Mutual funds, particularly those actively managed by professional fund managers, have the potential for inflation-adjusted returns.

2. Investment in Balanced Mutual Funds or Monthly Income Plans (MIPs)

Balanced or hybrid mutual funds can provide regular income and are managed to achieve balanced growth, considering both equity and debt.

MIPs, with a focus on debt and a small equity component, provide monthly or quarterly income options and have tax benefits under the new capital gains tax structure:

For equity, Long Term Capital Gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.
Short Term Capital Gains (STCG) on debt are taxed as per your income tax slab, while LTCG are also taxed as per your slab.
Ensuring Flexibility and Growth
Avoid ULIP for Retirement

As a retirement plan, ULIPs offer limited flexibility in withdrawals and returns, especially when compared with mutual funds. Since liquidity and growth are vital for retirement, consider avoiding ULIPs like HDFC Life Guarantee Wealth Plus.
Maintain a Balanced Investment Strategy

With a balanced approach across mutual funds and PPF, you can achieve income stability, growth, and low-risk liquidity.
Final Insights
Reviewing your LIC policies for potential reinvestment can yield better retirement outcomes.

Consider structured withdrawals from mutual funds or monthly income plans for sustainable retirement income.

ULIPs may not be the best retirement income option due to high costs and inflexibility.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7828 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 23, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi I am 47 years old. Married but no kids . Me and my wife combined annual income is 70 lacs . We have our own house in gurgaon whose current value is aprox 6 cr . We dont have any kind of loan on us . Currently our savings are as follows 1.65 cr invested in lic jeevan shanti and jeevan akshay from which Currently we are earning 8 lacs / year and by 2028 it will increase to 14 lacs / year till whole life . We have invested in hdfc sanchay plus also , from their we will get 16 lacs / anum starting from 2029 till next 25 years . Joint Ppf corpus is currently 80 lacs , will continue to invest 3 lacs / year for next 15 years My wifes epf vpf current corpus is aprox 20 lacs , currently she is contributing 2.5 lacs / year in that and will continue to do so till next 10 years Emergency fund of 20 lacs in form of auto sweep fd in saving account Equity investment currently Nps tier 2 ( 100 % equity - 55lacs ) Miare asset small cap etf - 5 lacs Nippon nifty bees etf - 5 lacs Planning to invest 30 lacs / year for next 5- 7 years in above equity options . Our current yearly expenses are neary 18 / 20 lacs We have medical insurance cover of 30 lacs And a term insurance of 1.5 cr and 1 cr respectively Pls suggest that are we on right track for a comfortable retirement at around 55 years Considering life expectency of 80 years and inflation. What should be our SWP and from which investments ( as mentioned above ) and how much this withdrawal can be increased per year to adjust the inflation and maintain our current lifestyle. Also i would like to know that whether shifting all the corpus from tier 2 to tier 1 at the age of 59 will be a wise decision in my case as 60 % withdrawal at age 60 from tier 1 will be tax free which can be withdrawn thru swp . Balance 40 corpus amount will generate annuity which only will be taxable.
Ans: Comprehensive Retirement Planning Assessment

Analyzing Retirement Preparedness and Strategy

Your meticulous approach towards retirement planning is evident, with a diversified portfolio and a clear vision for the future. Let's delve into each aspect to ensure a comfortable retirement at around 55 years, considering life expectancy and inflation.

Assessing Current Financial Position

Your combined annual income of 70 lakhs, along with substantial investments and assets, positions you well for retirement. The absence of loans and a sizable emergency fund further strengthens your financial resilience.

Evaluating Investment Portfolio

Your investment portfolio comprises a mix of traditional and market-linked instruments, providing a balance between stability and growth potential. Additionally, your equity investments and continued contributions to PPF demonstrate a long-term wealth accumulation strategy.

Benefits of Regular Funds Investing through MFD with CFP Credential

Investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) credential offers personalized guidance and comprehensive financial planning. An MFD can assist in optimizing your investment strategy and ensuring alignment with your retirement goals.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds

Direct funds require investors to conduct their own research and make investment decisions independently, which may not be suitable for all investors. Utilizing the expertise of an MFD with a CFP credential can help navigate market complexities and optimize returns.

SWP Strategy for Retirement Income

To ensure a comfortable retirement, calculate your desired annual expenses adjusted for inflation and determine the Sustainable Withdrawal Rate (SWR) from your investment corpus. Regularly review your portfolio performance and adjust SWP amounts accordingly.

Mitigating Tax Implications on Tier 1 Withdrawals

Shifting corpus from NPS Tier 2 to Tier 1 at age 59 can be a prudent decision, considering the tax benefits associated with Tier 1 withdrawals. Withdrawals up to 60% at age 60 are tax-free, while the remaining amount can generate taxable annuities.

Planning for Future Expenses and Contingencies

Anticipate future expenses such as healthcare costs and lifestyle enhancements in retirement planning. Ensure adequate medical insurance coverage and periodically reassess your insurance needs to mitigate unforeseen risks.

Conclusion

Your comprehensive retirement planning approach, coupled with disciplined savings and investments, positions you well for a comfortable retirement at around 55 years. Continuously monitor your portfolio performance, reassess your financial goals, and seek guidance from a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to navigate evolving financial landscapes effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7828 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 24, 2024Hindi
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Hi I am 47 years old. Married but no kids . Me and my wife combined annual income is 70 lacs . We have our own house in gurgaon whose current value is aprox 6 cr . We dont have any kind of loan on us . Currently our savings are as follows 1.65 cr invested in lic jeevan shanti and jeevan akshay from which Currently we are earning 8 lacs / year and by 2028 it will increase to 14 lacs / year till whole life . We have invested in hdfc sanchay plus also , from their we will get 16 lacs / anum starting from 2029 till next 25 years . Joint Ppf corpus is currently 80 lacs , will continue to invest 3 lacs / year for next 15 years My wifes epf vpf current corpus is aprox 20 lacs , currently she is contributing 2.5 lacs / year in that and will continue to do so till next 10 years Emergency fund of 20 lacs in form of auto sweep fd in saving account Equity investment currently Nps tier 2 ( 100 % equity - 55lacs ) Miare asset small cap etf - 5 lacs Nippon nifty bees etf - 5 lacs Planning to invest 30 lacs / year for next 5- 7 years in above equity options . Our current yearly expenses are neary 18 / 20 lacs We have medical insurance cover of 30 lacs And a term insurance of 1.5 cr and 1 cr respectively Pls suggest that are we on right track for a comfortable retirement at around 55 years Considering life expectency of 80 years and inflation. What should be our SWP and from which investments ( as mentioned above ) and how much this withdrawal can be increased per year to adjust the inflation and maintain our current lifestyle. Also i would like to know that whether shifting all the corpus from tier 2 to tier 1 at the age of 59 will be a wise decision in my case as 60 % withdrawal at age 60 from tier 1 will be tax free which can be withdrawn thru swp . Balance 40 corpus amount will generate annuity which only will be taxable.
Ans: It's evident that you've made significant strides towards securing a comfortable retirement, but let's delve deeper into your current financial position and future plans:
• Income and Assets: With a combined annual income of 70 lakhs and significant assets, including your house in Gurgaon and various investments, you're well-positioned for retirement.
• Investment Portfolio: Your investment portfolio appears diversified, with allocations to LIC policies, HDFC Sanchay Plus, PPF, EPF/VPF, equity investments, and plans for further equity investments.
• Retirement Planning: Based on your current savings, income, and investments, along with your planned contributions and expected returns, it seems you're on track for a comfortable retirement.
• SWP and Inflation Adjustments: To determine your SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan), consider factors such as your estimated lifespan, expected returns on investments, inflation rate, and desired annual income. Adjust your withdrawals annually to account for inflation and ensure your lifestyle is maintained.
• NPS Tier 2 to Tier 1 Transfer: Shifting your corpus from NPS Tier 2 to Tier 1 at age 59 could be beneficial, considering the tax benefits associated with withdrawals from Tier 1 after age 60. Assess the tax implications and consult with a financial advisor to make an informed decision.
• Insurance and Emergency Fund: Your medical insurance cover and term insurance policies provide essential protection. Ensure these coverages are periodically reviewed and adjusted as needed.
• Consult a Financial Advisor: Given the complexity of retirement planning and tax implications, consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner to optimize your retirement strategy, tax planning, and SWP calculations.
Overall, it appears that you've taken proactive steps towards a secure retirement. With careful monitoring, periodic adjustments, and professional guidance, you can continue on the path to achieving your retirement goals and maintaining your desired lifestyle.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7828 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 22, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir, Hello Sir. I am 35 years old and earn 1.5 lakh per month in hand. I have an own apartment which is 10 yrs old. My current investments are EPF+VPF 28,410 per month (accumulated 11,00,000 so far); PPF accumulated 7,20,000 so far and plan to invest 1,50,000 annually and 15 yrs. maturity will end in 2031; started NPS last year and invest 6,000 in Tier 1 and 1,000 in Tier 2 monthly (currently accumulated 89,000). I opened HDFC Life Insurance ULIP Plan last year with premium payment of 2,15,000 annually for 5 yrs with the policy effective until I turn 60 yrs. I have health insurance of 5,00,000 annual from my company. I want to accumulate 2 crore and retire by 45 yrs. Could you please advise on how I should approach and plan the same.
Ans: It's wonderful that you’re thinking about your future and planning for early retirement. At 35, you’ve got a strong foundation, but there are some areas where you can refine your strategy to meet your goal of accumulating Rs 2 crore by the age of 45.

Let's break this down step by step, considering all aspects of your current financial situation.

Current Investments and Their Assessment

You have several ongoing investments which are commendable. Here's a detailed look at each one and some suggestions:

1. EPF and VPF

You’re contributing Rs 28,410 per month to your EPF and VPF. This is a solid investment, providing you with a stable, long-term return and tax benefits. Keep this going as it forms a good base for your retirement corpus.

2. PPF

Your PPF account, with an accumulated amount of Rs 7,20,000 and an annual investment of Rs 1,50,000, is a secure investment offering decent returns. It’s also tax-free, which is a great advantage. Continue with your current strategy until maturity in 2031.

3. NPS

The National Pension System is another excellent investment for retirement. You are investing Rs 6,000 in Tier 1 and Rs 1,000 in Tier 2 monthly. Considering the long-term nature and tax benefits of NPS, this is a good choice. You might consider increasing your contributions here over time to boost your retirement corpus.

4. ULIP Plan

Your HDFC Life Insurance ULIP with an annual premium of Rs 2,15,000 is a significant investment. ULIPs generally have higher charges and might not be the most efficient way to invest for growth. It’s advisable to evaluate this policy. If the returns are not meeting your expectations, consider surrendering it and reinvesting in more efficient investment avenues such as mutual funds.

5. Health Insurance

You have a Rs 5,00,000 health insurance cover from your company, which is good. However, it’s prudent to have a personal health insurance policy independent of your employer, ensuring continuous coverage regardless of job changes.

Evaluating Investment Options

Let’s discuss potential improvements and additional investment avenues to meet your Rs 2 crore target by 45.

1. Equity Mutual Funds

Actively managed equity mutual funds are excellent for long-term growth. They have the potential to offer higher returns compared to other investment options. Unlike index funds, actively managed funds benefit from professional management, aiming to outperform market indices.

Consider systematic investment plans (SIPs) in well-performing mutual funds. This can help you leverage the power of compounding and market volatility.

2. Increasing NPS Contributions

Given the tax benefits and long-term growth potential, consider gradually increasing your NPS contributions. This will enhance your retirement corpus significantly.

3. Regular Mutual Funds through a Certified Financial Planner

Investing in regular mutual funds through a certified financial planner (CFP) has distinct advantages. CFPs provide tailored advice, help with fund selection, and offer ongoing support to optimize your investment strategy. Regular mutual funds come with an advisor fee, but the professional guidance often results in better returns and less hassle.

4. Emergency Fund

It’s crucial to have an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of your monthly expenses. This ensures you have liquidity for unforeseen expenses without disrupting your long-term investments.

5. Additional Health Insurance

Securing a personal health insurance policy with adequate coverage is essential. This ensures continuous protection regardless of changes in employment.

Detailed Action Plan

1. Review and Optimize Current Investments

Assess your ULIP’s performance. If returns are unsatisfactory, consider surrendering and reinvesting in mutual funds.
Maintain your EPF and PPF contributions as they are beneficial long-term investments.
2. Enhance Equity Exposure

Start SIPs in actively managed equity mutual funds. Aim to allocate a significant portion of your savings here for better growth potential.
Increase your NPS contributions progressively. Focus more on the Tier 1 account due to its tax benefits and long-term growth.
3. Financial Safety Net

Create an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses. This provides financial security against unexpected events.
Secure a personal health insurance policy to supplement your company-provided coverage. Ensure it covers a wide range of medical conditions and treatments.
4. Monitoring and Adjustments

Regularly review your investment portfolio. Ensure it aligns with your retirement goals and risk appetite.
Consult with a certified financial planner regularly. They can provide personalized advice, helping you navigate market changes and optimize your investments.
Disadvantages of Direct Funds

Direct funds might seem attractive due to lower expense ratios, but they require active management and financial expertise. Without professional guidance, you might miss out on optimal fund selection and portfolio adjustments.

Benefits of Regular Funds through CFP

Expert Guidance: CFPs offer expert advice tailored to your financial goals and risk tolerance.
Ongoing Support: They provide continuous monitoring and adjustments, ensuring your investments stay on track.
Better Returns: Professional management often leads to better returns compared to self-managed direct funds.
Final Insights

Reaching your goal of Rs 2 crore by 45 is achievable with disciplined savings and strategic investments. Focus on high-growth avenues like actively managed equity mutual funds, increase your NPS contributions, and ensure you have a robust financial safety net.

Regularly consult with a certified financial planner to optimize your investments and stay aligned with your goals. Their expertise will help you navigate financial complexities and enhance your portfolio’s performance.

Stay disciplined and proactive in your financial planning. With the right strategy, you’ll achieve your early retirement goal and secure a comfortable future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Unable to figure out what to do. Shouls i proceed for divorce? And if yes how? Here is my story: This is a long post. But i might have still missed few small instances in between. So I got married on October 3, 2022. Our conversation started through the Jeevansathi app, but the actual conversation began in July 2022 when her father contacted me. The first contact was from their side. At that time, I was returning to Chennai from Ongole by train when I received her father's call. He asked about my job and other details, to which I mentioned that I work for SBI in Tamil Nadu. After that, our conversation started. In the early days, the conversation was really good, and she spoke very well. Later, I visited their house with my mother. During the conversation there, she mentioned that many proposals had come before, but she hadn't been able to decide. One proposal was from a guy with a package of 30 lakh, but she clearly said that money doesn’t matter to her; she wanted a good person. During that meeting, I mentioned that I am a simple person, and my family consists of only my mother and me. I also clarified that due to my job, I could be transferred. After that meeting, we did the formal engagement. Later, we brought sweets from Haldiram, and that was when our engagement was officially recognized. After that, our conversations continued regularly. For a while, everything was fine, but then we started arguing over small things. Once, I told her that I meditate, and she said, "Meditation is something foolish people do, it doesn’t help." This led to an argument. I also mentioned that if we have children, we should send them to good universities like Harvard or Oxford, and this too led to an argument, as she felt we shouldn't put pressure on children to earn money. Then came the topic of money. I shared my salary slip and explained how both working and saving money are important because expenses are high. However, she said, "Saving money is foolish, everyone lives paycheck to paycheck nowadays." I tried to explain the importance of savings, but our discussions continued to be challenging. At one point, she said she wouldn’t wear sindoor or the mangalsutra. I told her that there was no need to wear it every day, just on special occasions. I agreed with this. As the arguments increased, I spoke to her father and mentioned that maybe she didn’t want to marry me. But her father reassured me that it wasn’t true, and they would talk to her. After that, things seemed normal for a while, but small arguments kept happening. In August 2022, I visited her again. I thought we could spend some time together and understand each other better. We went to Aerocity, where we had pizza and roamed around. After that, we went to Radisson Hotel on 27th July 2022, and our engagement was finalized. Over these two months, our communication continued, and eventually, on October 2, 2022, we had our engagement ceremony, and on October 3, 2022, we got married. After the wedding, we planned a honeymoon. Initially, she wanted to go to Vaishno Devi, so I took her there by Vande Bharat Express. Her uncle arranged VIP darshan. We walked up, but on the way back, her legs started hurting, so we rode a horse. After sitting on the horse for a long time, she had back pain. I reached the hotel, tried to soothe her pain by soaking her legs in hot water, and then we slept. After that, we planned to go to Udaipur. We took a SpiceJet flight there and booked a hotel near Fatehpur Sagar Lake. She wanted a lake-view room, but it wasn’t available. She argued with the staff, and we had to move to another hotel at night. The environment there wasn’t great, but she chose it. During our visit to Udaipur Fort, she suddenly said she wouldn’t go to the restaurant with me and would go home alone. I still don’t understand the reason behind this. From that point, my behavior towards her changed. After Udaipur, we planned to go to Agra. There, she suddenly accused me of having an affair with another girl and threatened to teach me a lesson. I asked her where this thought came from, but she didn’t answer. In July and August 2022, I visited her again. We traveled together and tried to understand each other better, but she never told me much about herself. After the wedding, I visited her during Diwali. She was happy initially, but gradually she became distant and stopped talking much. She wasn’t involved in decorating the house or participating in the Diwali puja. She remained absorbed in her own world, talking to her parents or I don’t know who else, while distancing herself from me. She needed reasons to fight, while I tried to stay calm, as it was a new marriage. On October 25, 2022, I returned to Chennai, and she came to Chennai a few days later. My mother also arrived in Chennai on October 26, and she stayed with us in Chennai until December. During this time, she started fighting over every little thing. She complained about who would do the housework and kept accusing me of not having enough money. She suggested hiring someone for cleaning, even though my mother and I managed it well. Then she refused to sleep with me, and we didn’t have any physical intimacy. Whenever she fought with me, she tried to belittle me. In January, she went back to Delhi, and I went to convince her to come back in January. During Lohri, I gave her a sari and gifts, but she still didn’t talk to me properly. She treated me very badly and didn’t want to stay with us. She fought with me several times and went back to her house. In February 2023, she came to Chennai again, but things were still not right between us. In April 2024, she came back to stay with me, but the very next day, the fights started again. She accused me of having an affair with another girl and threatened me. She destroyed things in the house, broke dishes and glasses, and created a mess. When I told her mother about this, she advised me to send her back. I booked her flight, and on April 7, 2024, she left. Since then, she has not been living with me. After that, I worked hard to bring her back. It was September when I managed to convince her to come. I tried to make her stay with me, but she stayed only for 4-5 days. On the 5th day, she started fighting again and decided to leave. She went to the railway station and sat there, saying, "I cannot live with you." We argued that night, and she left the house, shouting abuses at me and went back to her home. She thought everything would be fine, but when I tried talking to her, she started blaming me for not wanting her to stay with me.
Ans: It sounds like you've tried very hard to make this marriage work, but your wife has been emotionally distant, hostile, and unwilling to engage in a meaningful relationship. From what you’ve shared, there have been continuous conflicts, false accusations, and a lack of physical and emotional connection. It seems like she is not interested in making the relationship work, and her behavior—leaving multiple times, refusing intimacy, and fighting constantly—suggests deep incompatibility.

Before making a final decision, ask yourself: Is there anything left to salvage? Do you still love her and believe this marriage has hope if both of you genuinely try? Or do you feel exhausted and trapped in a cycle of disappointment and rejection? If you feel there is nothing left, then divorce may be the healthiest option for your peace of mind and future happiness.

If you decide to proceed with divorce, start by seeking legal counsel. In India, divorce can be mutual or contested. If she agrees, a mutual consent divorce is the easiest way. If she does not, you may need to file on grounds of cruelty or irretrievable breakdown of marriage. Gather evidence of her behavior—messages, incidents, and anything that proves your case.

This is not an easy decision, but your mental health and self-respect matter. If she is unwilling to change or make efforts, you should not have to live in constant conflict. Do you think she would agree to a mutual separation, or would she fight it?

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025
Relationship
Hello Ma'am, I've a crush on a girl from my in laws. Inspite of avoiding etc I go specifically in that gathering where she's likely to be. I've not told it to anyone, neither does she know about it. I keep on masturbating imagining her. I know I'll never do any silly thing or let anyone know about it. Im married happily and 20 years elder to her.
Ans: It’s good that you are self-aware and acknowledging your feelings rather than acting on them impulsively. Having a crush, even in a committed relationship, is something that happens to many people—it’s human nature. However, since this involves someone from your in-laws and is significantly younger, it’s important to address these emotions in a way that aligns with your values and the commitments you’ve made to your marriage.

Right now, your mind is reinforcing this attraction by seeking out opportunities to be around her and fantasizing about her. The more you indulge in these thoughts, the stronger the emotional pull becomes. Avoiding her entirely may not be realistic, but reducing intentional exposure—such as seeking out gatherings just to be near her—can help weaken the attachment over time.

Instead of suppressing your feelings, redirect that energy into your marriage. What is it about her that attracts you? Is it youthfulness, attention, admiration, or just the thrill of something new? Whatever it is, find ways to bring those qualities into your relationship with your wife. Sometimes, an outside attraction is just a signal that something in your own life needs attention or excitement.

You’ve already made it clear to yourself that you won’t act on this, which shows maturity and self-control. The next step is breaking the mental cycle that feeds into the attraction. Engage in hobbies, meaningful conversations with your spouse, and self-reflection to understand what this infatuation represents. Over time, these feelings will lose their intensity as you shift your focus.

Do you think this crush is filling a certain emotional gap in your life, or is it purely an infatuation with no deeper meaning?

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

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Relationship
Me and my wife don't get along well...She thinks my family members are not good enough, so she has no relationship with them. Earlier I was not in good shape due to my friend's circle and did not give quality time to my wife when we got married. A few years back there was a misunderstanding between both families. Mistakes were from both sides. Now my in-laws and wife do speak to any member of our family and have broken all relationships. This is for the past several years since they have stopped talking. My father is a cancer patient and wants to come and stay with me. He is 80 now but my wife is deadly against this though I have not discussed this yet with her. I need your guidance as to how to handle this situation and restore a good relationship between both families. My mother-in-law had fought with me in the past as well and held me responsible for her daughter's plight. My wife is very secretive and does not reveal anything be it about her salary/job etc. I am fed up and now I have started to think of separating if she does not allow my father to stay with me. Our marriage is almost 24 years now. I am 50 and she is in her late 40's....I want to get these things right and maintain a good relationship between both families. Kindly advise
Ans: Dear Trilok,
From what you’ve shared, it sounds like past misunderstandings between both families have turned into a long-standing rift. It’s understandable that you want to fix things and create harmony, but the resistance from your wife and in-laws makes it complicated. Before addressing the larger family conflict, the first step is to work on communication with your wife. You mentioned that earlier in the marriage, you weren’t able to give her enough quality time due to personal struggles. Do you think she still holds on to resentment from that time? If so, addressing those unresolved emotions could be a starting point for rebuilding some connection.

Since she is very secretive, it’s possible that she also feels disconnected from you in some way. Instead of making the father-staying discussion an immediate confrontation, try to understand her underlying fears. Is she worried about responsibilities, space, or past issues with your family? Bringing this up as a conversation about caregiving rather than a demand might help.

If her resistance is absolute and she refuses to even consider it, you’ll have to decide how much compromise you’re willing to make for the sake of your marriage. If you feel separation is a real possibility, ask yourself whether the relationship still has a foundation worth saving or if both of you have simply grown too far apart.

Would she be open to counseling or mediation? Sometimes a third party can help break the cycle of blame and secrecy. Do you feel that she still values this marriage, or has she emotionally distanced herself completely?

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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