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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 10, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 04, 2024Hindi
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Sir/Madam I'm 35 Years Old Salaried person I'm currently Investing Rs.30,000/- in Mutual Fund from 2017 Portfolio Value Is Rs.21,00,000/- and My Investment is 12,80,000/- Want To Continue For 10 Years.. 10% step-up in every 2 Years 1.SBI SMALL CAP 2.PARAG PAREKH FLEXI CAP 3.NIPPON SMALL CAP 4. DSP MID CAP 5.SBI INTERNATIONAL FUND 6.MOTILAL OSWAL TAX SAVING 7.AXIS NEXT 50 INDEX FUND

Ans: It's commendable that you've been investing systematically in mutual funds since 2017 and have built a substantial portfolio. Your strategy of continuing for another 10 years with a 10% step-up every 2 years reflects a disciplined approach towards wealth creation.
Let's review your current portfolio and make some suggestions:
1. SBI Small Cap, Nippon Small Cap, DSP Mid Cap: Small and mid-cap funds have the potential for high growth but come with higher volatility. Since you're looking at a long-term horizon, these can be suitable for wealth accumulation. However, monitor their performance closely and be prepared for fluctuations.
2. Parag Parikh Flexi Cap, SBI International Fund, Motilal Oswal Tax Saving: These funds offer diversification across market caps and geographies, which is beneficial for risk management. Parag Parikh Flexi Cap, in particular, follows a flexible approach and invests in a mix of equity, debt, and international stocks, providing stability.
3. Axis Next 50 Index Fund: Index funds offer low-cost exposure to a basket of stocks mirroring a particular index. While they provide diversification, they may lack the potential for outperformance compared to actively managed funds. However, they can be a valuable addition to your portfolio for passive investing.
Considering your investment horizon and the step-up strategy, you can continue investing in these funds with periodic reviews. It's essential to rebalance your portfolio periodically to ensure alignment with your goals and risk tolerance.
Given the significant portfolio value, it's advisable to seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner who can provide personalized guidance tailored to your financial objectives, risk appetite, and tax considerations.
Keep up the good work of systematic investing, and with a well-diversified portfolio, you're on track to achieve your long-term financial goals.
Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 12, 2024

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Hello Sir, myself Venkatesh aged 35 working in PSU current monthly takehome salary is Rs.1.20lac investing Rs.1,50,000/- in PPF per annum, havings corpus in fixed deposits around Rs.30lacs, investing in Mutual funds through monthly SIP of Rs.8000/- in three funds from past 3years 1.Parag Parikh Flexi Cap Fund-Reg(G)- 3K 2. Mirae Asset Large Cap Fund-Reg(G)- 3K 3. Axis Focused 25 Fund-Reg(G)- 2K. Now i want to invest another Rs.15,000/- per month for 18-20years and also advise by what amount i can stepup my existing portfolio for better returns.
Ans: Dear Venkatesh,

Thank you for sharing your financial details and investment strategy. Your disciplined approach towards saving and investing is commendable, and it's great to see your proactive efforts towards planning for the future.

Considering your current financial situation and goals, here's a suggested plan for investing an additional ?15,000 per month and optimizing your existing portfolio:

New Investment of ?15,000 per Month:

Given your investment horizon of 18-20 years, you have the opportunity to invest in equity-oriented mutual funds to potentially achieve long-term growth.
Since you already have exposure to flexi-cap, large-cap, and focused equity funds, you can consider diversifying further by investing in mid-cap or multi-cap funds to capture opportunities across different market segments.
Allocate the additional ?15,000 per month across 2-3 mutual funds to ensure proper diversification and mitigate risk.
Portfolio Step-Up:

Evaluate the performance of your existing SIPs in Parag Parikh Flexi Cap Fund, Mirae Asset Large Cap Fund, and Axis Focused 25 Fund.
Consider increasing your SIP contributions gradually over time to capitalize on the power of compounding and accelerate wealth accumulation.
Utilize the step-up SIP feature offered by mutual fund platforms to automatically increase your SIP amounts by a predefined percentage or fixed amount annually.
Review your portfolio periodically and adjust your SIP contributions as needed to stay aligned with your investment goals and risk tolerance.
Regular Review and Rebalancing:

Periodically review your investment portfolio and asset allocation to ensure that it remains aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance.
Rebalance your portfolio as needed to maintain your desired asset allocation and optimize returns. This involves selling overperforming assets and reinvesting the proceeds into underperforming or undervalued assets.
Consultation:

Consider consulting with a qualified financial advisor who can provide personalized guidance tailored to your financial objectives and risk profile.
An advisor can help you assess your current portfolio, identify any gaps or areas for improvement, and recommend suitable investment options to achieve your long-term financial goals.
By following these steps and staying disciplined with your investment strategy, you can work towards building a strong financial foundation and achieving your financial aspirations.

Best regards,

Ramalingam, MBA, CFP
Chief Financial Planner

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 06, 2024

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Madam I'm 35 Years Old Salaried person I'm currently Investing Rs.30,000/- in Mutual Fund from 2017 Portfolio Value Is Rs.21,00,000/- and My Investment is 12,80,000/- Want To Continue For 10 Years.. 10% step-up in every 2 Years 1.SBI SMALL CAP 2.PARAG PAREKH FLEXI CAP 3.NIPPON SMALL CAP 4. DSP MID CAP 5.SBI INTERNATIONAL FUND 6.MOTILAL OSWAL TAX SAVING 7.AXIS NEXT 50 INDEX FUND
Ans: It's fantastic to see your commitment to investing in mutual funds for the long term. Let's explore how you can continue to grow your portfolio over the next decade:

• Your portfolio's current value of Rs. 21,00,000 is impressive and reflects your disciplined approach to investing.
• With a goal to continue investing for another 10 years, you're setting yourself up for significant wealth accumulation.
• The 10% step-up in investment every 2 years is a smart strategy to increase your contributions gradually over time.
• Your selection of mutual funds covers a diverse range of asset classes and market segments, providing ample growth potential.
• It's essential to periodically review your portfolio's performance and make adjustments as needed to stay aligned with your financial goals.
• Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner to ensure your investment strategy remains optimal and aligned with your objectives.
• Stay focused on your long-term goals and maintain discipline in your investment approach, even during market fluctuations.
• Remember, patience and consistency are key virtues in wealth creation through mutual fund investments.
• Keep monitoring your progress regularly and celebrate milestones along the way to stay motivated on your financial journey.
• With dedication and prudent financial planning, you're well-positioned to achieve your wealth accumulation goals in the years ahead.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 10, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 09, 2024Hindi
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I'm 31, investing 15k in Mutual fund with 10% stepup every year, looking for 20-25yrs is it fine to continue with this investment. All fund are direct growth fund (1) Quant Elss - 3k (2) Quant small - 1.5k (3) ICICI index -3k (4) Parag parikh flexi cap - 1k (5) SBI Contra -700 (6) Motilal Oswal mid cap - 1.3k (7) Nippon small - 1.5k (8) Quant Mid cap -1k (9) Tata small -1k (10) Quant infrastructure - 1k
Ans: Your commitment to long-term investing is commendable, and your portfolio displays a diversified mix of mutual funds. Let's assess your strategy and its suitability for your financial goals.

Investing ?15,000 monthly with a 10% step-up annually indicates a disciplined approach to wealth accumulation. It's essential to review your investments periodically to ensure they align with your evolving financial objectives.

Your choice of direct growth funds reflects an understanding of the importance of minimizing expenses and maximizing returns. There are some advantages to consider direct funds, and the cost savings can be significant in the long run. However, there are some potential benefits to using a regular MFD:

Advantages of Investing Through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD):

• Personalized Advice: MFDs can be helpful for beginners or those who lack investment knowledge. They can assess your risk tolerance, financial goals, and investment horizon to recommend suitable mutual funds. This personalized guidance can be valuable, especially if you're new to investing.
• Convenience: MFDs handle all the paperwork and transactions on your behalf, saving you time and effort. They can help with account setup, SIP registrations, and managing your portfolio across different funds.
• Investor Support: MFDs can be a point of contact for any questions or concerns you may have about your investments. They can provide ongoing support and guidance throughout your investment journey.


While actively managed funds like Quant ELSS and Parag Parikh Flexi Cap offer the potential for higher returns, they also come with higher management fees and the risk of underperformance. On the other hand, index funds like ICICI Index can provide market-matching returns at lower costs.

Active vs. Passive Management:
While you've included both actively managed mutual funds and index funds (ETFs) in your portfolio, it's important to understand the differences between the two. Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market through active stock selection and portfolio management, while index funds passively track a specific index's performance.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds:
Actively managed funds offer the potential for higher returns compared to index funds, especially during market inefficiencies or when skilled fund managers can identify lucrative investment opportunities. Additionally, active management allows for flexibility in portfolio construction and adjustments based on market conditions.

Potential Disadvantages of Index Funds:
While index funds offer low expense ratios and broad market exposure, they may lack the potential for outperformance compared to actively managed funds. Additionally, they're subject to tracking error, which occurs when the fund's performance deviates from the index it's designed to replicate.

Diversifying across various market caps and sectors, as seen in your portfolio, helps spread risk and capture growth opportunities. However, it's crucial to monitor the performance of each fund and make adjustments as needed.

Investing for a duration of 20-25 years aligns with long-term wealth creation goals. However, keep in mind that market conditions can fluctuate, and past performance is not indicative of future results.

Regularly consulting with a Certified Financial Planner can provide valuable insights and ensure your investment strategy remains on track. They can help assess your risk tolerance, adjust your asset allocation, and optimize your portfolio for better returns.

In conclusion, continuing your investment with regular reviews and adjustments is a prudent approach towards achieving your long-term financial objectives.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
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Hello Reetika Mam, I am 48 year having privet Job. I have started investment from 2017, current value of investment is 82L and having monthly 50K SIP as below. My goal to have 2.5Cr corpus at the age of 58. Please advice... 1. Nippon India small cap -Growth Rs 5,000 2. Sundaram Mid Cap fund Regular plan-Growth Rs 5,000 3. ICICI Prudential Small Cap- Growth Rs 10,000 4. ICICI Prudential Large Cap fund-Growth Rs 5,000 5. ICICI Prudential Balanced Adv. fund-Growth Rs 5,000 6. DSP Small Cap fund Regular Growth Rs 5,000 7. Nippn India Pharma Fund- Growth Rs 5,000 8. SBI focused Fund Regular plan- Growth Rs 5,000 9. SBI Dynamic Asset Allocation Active FoF-Regular-Growth Rs 5,000
Ans: Hi,

You can easily achieve your goal of 2.5 crores after 10 years. Your current investment value of 82 lakhs alone can grow to 2.5 crores assuming CAGR of 12% and monthly 50k SIP will give additional 1.1 crores, making a total corpus of 3.6 crores at 58.

But I see a problem with your current allocation. The fund selection is more aligned towards small caps of different AMCs and very concentrated and overlapped portfolio.
You need to diversify it so as to secure your current investment while getting a decent CAGR of 12% over next 10 years.
Focus on changing your current funds to large caps and BAFs and flexicaps and avoid sectoral funds.

You can also work with an advisor to get detailed analysis of your portfolio.
Hence you should consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

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Hi, I am 32 years old, married, and have a 4-year-old daughter. My monthly take-home salary is 55,000 rupees, and my wife's salary is 31,000 rupees, making our total income 86,000 rupees. I am currently in a lot of debt. Our total EMIs amount to 99,910 rupees (total loans with an average interest rate of 12.5%), and even with my father covering most of the monthly expenses, I still spend about 10,000 rupees. This leaves me with a shortage of approximately 25,000 rupees (debt) every month. My total debt across various banks is 36,50,000 rupees, and I also have a gold loan of 14 lakhs. I cannot change the EMI or loan tenure for another year. I also have a 2 lakh rupee loan from private lenders at an 18% interest rate. My total debt is over 52 lakhs. Now, with gold and silver prices rising, I'm worried that I won't be able to buy them again. I have an opportunity to get a 2 lakh rupee loan at a 12% interest rate, and I'm thinking of using that money to buy gold and silver and then pledge them at the bank again. Half of my current gold loan is from a similar situation – I took a loan from private lenders, bought gold, and then took a gold loan from the bank to repay the private loan. Given my current situation and my family's circumstances, should I buy more gold or focus on repaying my debts? What should I do? The monthly interest on my loans is approximately 50,000 rupees, meaning 50,000 rupees of my salary goes towards interest every month. What should I do in this situation? I also have an SBI Jan Nivesh SIP of 2000 rupees per month for the last four months. I have no savings left. I am thinking of taking out term insurance and health insurance, but I am hesitating because I don't have the money. I am looking for some suggestions to get out of these debts.
Ans: Hi Surya,

You are in a very complicated situation. This whole debt trapped needs to be worked on very judiciously. Let us go through all the aspects in detail.

1. Your total monthly household salary - 86000; monthly expense - 10000 contribution as of now; monthly EMI - approx. 1 lakhs.
2. Current loans - 36.5 lakhs from various banks at 12.5%; Gold Loan - 14 lakhs; private lenders - 2 lakhs at 18% >> totalling to 52 lakhs.
3. 50k interest per month payable - implies capital payment is very less leading to more problem.

- Keen on buying gold with loan. This is where more problem will began. Avoid buying gold using loan.
- Your focus should be on reducing your debt instead of increasing it.

Strategy to follow:
1. Close the loan with higher interest rate - 2 lakh personal lender. This will reduce your EMI and give you more potential to prepay other loans.
2. Try and take financial help from your family in prepaying small loans from banks. This can reduce your burden.
3. If you have any unused assets, can sell them to pay off your loans.

Points to NOTE:
> Avoid taking any more loans.
> When your EMI burden reduces, do make an emergency fund of 2-3 lakhs for yourself for any uncetain situation.
> Make sure to have a health insurance for yourself and family.
> Can stop your investments for now. They are of no use if your EMIs are more than your income. Can start investing once your EMI's reduce atleast by 20-30% for you.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hello Sir ; I am 55 years old & have decided to retire by end of 2025 . My wife is in teaching profession , earns appx. 3.5 L / annum & will continue her service till 2037( @60 yrs. of age ) . My only child is an intellectually disabled person ( with Autism ) , 14 years of age & will be incapable to earn . As on date , I have 60 L in MF , going to sell a property by end of this year @ 41 L ( it is fixed ) , appx 5L in Bank & postal FD . My wife have 45L in MF as on date & 3 fully paid premium ULIP policy which will be matured by 2030. She can get appx. 25 L from there . This is by and large my family financial status . Now , my queries to you that with this corpus , how we manage our ( myself & wife’s ) livelihood & most important that to manage a continuous cash flow for my disabled child till his age 65 i.e. 50 years from now . Primarily , I have thought of SWP & MIS schemes to get regular income for th retirement . My present family expense is appx. 1L per month . Therefore , I do seek your expert advice in this regards . I will be highly obliged if you kindly address to my query . thanking you , with best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty.
Ans: Hi Suprabhat,

Let us analyse all things in detail - one at a time.
1. 5L in Bank and FD - this is your emergency fund. But if there is a lock-in on the postal FD, you need atleast 5 lakhs in bank FD as your emergency fund.
2. Health Insurance - it is the prime requirement for you and your family. You should have one covering you, your spouse as well as your kid. It will help you in uncertain health conditions of youself and family.
3. ULIP Policy - Usually policies like such are not beneficial. But these are all paid-up, good point here. Whenever you get this, try to invest it in equity and hybrid mutual funds.
4. You will get 41 lakhs from property selling. Invest the entire amount in mutual funds, a mix of equity and debt funds.
5. Cumulative MF portfolio = 1.05 crores. As the entire corpus is huge, take the advice of a proper advisor on managing your overall investments and portfolio. A guided investment always generates better result than a random portfolio.

Your annual needs - 12 lakhs; Wife will earn - 3.5 lakhs till 2037. You need additional 8.5 lakhs per year to manage your expenses.
- You can initiate a SWP from your overall savings after allocating it in correct funds with the help of advisor.
- You need to have a dedicated corpus for your son's need in your absence. Atleast 50-70 lakhs should be kept solely for your son.
- The overall corpus seems insufficient to meet your requirements for now. You can either postpone your retirement and create an additional savings corpus for your future and son. Or you may consider to work on your monthly budget.

Do work with a professional advisor to guide you with exact funds to meet your desired goals.
Hence consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 17, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am 43 years old married man, arranged marriage. Married for past 13 years with 4 kids (aged 2, 3, 10 and 13). I work abroad with good salary package and live with my family. My wife is MSc. and home maker. She teaches the kids and cooks and takes good care of kids. I am academic research scholar. From the start of our marriage, I noticed my wife does not open much and moderate religious person. I am also not very extrovert person. I work from 8 am to 5 pm in office which is walkable distance from my house. After coming from office, I help her in kichen daily, look after the kids, help kids in math, clean the house, put the yougest kid to sleep, then I get some 'me' time which happens only after 11:30 pm in the night. I dont use phone untill everybody is sleep or my kids dont allow me to use phone while i am playing with them. Now sometimes I feel we are just room mates with 1-2 times sex in a month. In terms of love with my wife, I initiate all the time, she never expresses love. I am not very possessive kind of person. She does not show any interest in my work and never ask me hows my day etc. She only smiles and rarely laught. I thought may be it will improve with time. There is no money issue, she buys what ever she likes. She has her own card and I provide extra money if she asks. I assumed may be she does not like me from the beginning but staying in marriage due to family pressure and kids. I am average looking person and dont accept everything what she says in terms of investment, holiday etc. I had accepted my fate. She started doing book writing and publishing online and now earning and keeping separate account, She is very excited about it and feels happy and shares with me the publication but not the earnings. I give suggestions and money what ever she asks for marketting and promotion etc. I am happy for her. Recently I came across an email in her phone which was from her ex. There was a long deleted chat, in summary they were madly in love but could not get married, i dont know the reason or even she never spoke about him. they kept chatting even after our marriage. Her ex got married and divorsed with one grownup kid. He is single and work abroad in a different country with good salary package (may be better than mine). She emailed him after long time I guess but now she is secretly chatting with him very often. she keeps her phone locked and deletes the chats. He is also interested and asking her to leave and marry him. She is not saying yes to him but regrets that she married me. At this point I dont know if I should talk to her regarding this but she will definitely be upset to know i checked her phone. Few years back we had a major fight (that time i didnot know about her ex), i had proposed for divorse and settle it mutually if she is not happy with me but she denied and stayed. I dont know what I should do to make her happy. we both are from very respected family in the society and I dont know if her parents knew about her affair. Even though she is chatting with him but she behaves very normal with me, no fight no argument, as if nothing is happening. I dont know whats in her mind, is she just casually chatting with him or buying time, waiting for the right moment to leave? Shall I file for divorse or accept my fate as room mates. Am I worrying too much?
Ans: First, let me say this clearly: you are not worrying “too much.” Your concerns are valid. When emotional connection, affection, and curiosity about each other’s inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust. The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication, and expressing regret about marrying you — even if not directly to your face — is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn’t automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.
At the same time, it’s important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation. Right now, the most important thing is clarity — for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty, and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation, or routine.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone. Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: you’ve been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you’re always the one initiating closeness, and recently you’ve felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life. You don’t need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.
Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone, but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world, and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you. A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal — but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimizes your feelings, or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.
It’s also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone, but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship. Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behavior, but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counseling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs. A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild, or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.
As for “accepting your fate,” I want to be very clear: accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired, and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure. Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure, but from adults who model honesty, self-respect, and emotional responsibility.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone. The next step is not divorce or resignation — it’s an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth. From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it’s difficult.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My husband doesn't lock the door when we have s**. This was the main reason for his ex-wife to divorce him. His parents feel that it is safer to keep the door unlocked in case of emergencies. But honestly,I feel awkward. I am not comfortable. Once his sister casually walked in to pick up some stuff, ignoring us on the bed. I was clothed but it still made me feel uncomfortable. We don't have a private bedroom but we use the bed at night. There are two shared wardrobes in the room which people need to access. I have explained this to my husband but he says I need to learn to adjust and work around it. Even if the door is closed, I always fear that someone might just walk in. What to do?
Ans: This is not a small preference issue. This is about personal boundaries and bodily autonomy. Even if nothing “bad” has happened, the fear of being walked in on is enough to make your body stay tense. That anxiety alone can affect your sense of dignity, desire, and emotional security. The fact that his ex-wife divorced him over the same issue tells you that this pattern is longstanding and not something you are imagining.
Your husband and his parents may frame this as “safety” or “emergency access,” but that argument does not hold when weighed against your right to privacy. Emergencies are rare; violations of comfort are happening now. A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence—it means respect. Many families manage emergencies with simple alternatives like knocking, calling out, or keeping keys for true emergencies. What’s happening instead is that your need for privacy is being minimized, and you are being asked to suppress discomfort for the convenience of others.
The incident with his sister casually entering is especially important. Even though you were clothed, your body registered that as a boundary breach. The fact that it was brushed off is likely reinforcing your fear that this could happen again. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and sexual comfort—not because you’re “overthinking,” but because your nervous system is constantly on alert.
You need to shift the conversation with your husband away from “adjustment” and toward non-negotiable boundaries. This isn’t about arguing logic; it’s about stating a clear emotional and physical limit. You might say something like:
“I cannot feel safe or comfortable being intimate without privacy. This isn’t something I can adjust to. If intimacy continues without a locked door, I will start avoiding it—not out of punishment, but because my body feels unsafe.”
That’s not a threat. That’s honesty.
If the room layout is genuinely impractical, then the solution is not for you to tolerate discomfort, but for the household to change logistics—restricted access at night, fixed timings, or creating a private space. Privacy is a shared responsibility, not a burden placed on one person to endure.
If your husband continues to dismiss this after you clearly express it, that’s a deeper issue than doors. It signals a lack of attunement to your emotional safety, and that deserves serious attention—possibly with a counselor, especially given that this issue has already broken a marriage before.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for respect.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1754 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Relationship
Mam, I know some ways by which i can change my state of mind from lazy to working.. and having pressure/deadline helps to move on. But still I'm get trapped in guilt of actions and don't feel confident that next time i will be able to control myself..( cuz some actions give short pleasure/gratification easily.. but guilts also). And in all those silent, sad, depressed emotional time my Real working time gets wasted.. and feels like I just live in more guilt and saddness..even if it hurts. But don't wanna live like that!! What I do?
Ans: Dear Work,
Focus in any area of Life comes only when you realize WHY you are doing WHAT you are doing in that area.
For eg: If you decide to lose weight and just randomly join the gym without understanding WHY you are in the gym, a few days later, you will drop out. Mind you, that LOSING WEIGHT is not your reason; WHY do you want to lose that weight is the only thing that will keep you focused and motivated.
Hence, if you are giving into short term distractions, then obviously whatever it is that you are doing is not interesting you and so you get easily distracted.
Take one area of your life at a time; drop your goals in paper and mark a strong WHY against each. If it isn't motivating you enough, go back to the Drawing Board and do the exercise until you find that fire in your belly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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