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Nayagam P P  |3915 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Oct 25, 2024

Nayagam is a certified career counsellor and the founder of EduJob360.
He started his career as an HR professional and has over 10 years of experience in tutoring and mentoring students from Classes 8 to 12, helping them choose the right stream, course and college/university.
He also counsels students on how to prepare for entrance exams for getting admission into reputed universities /colleges for their graduate/postgraduate courses.
He has guided both fresh graduates and experienced professionals on how to write a resume, how to prepare for job interviews and how to negotiate their salary when joining a new job.
Nayagam has published an eBook, Professional Resume Writing Without Googling.
He has a postgraduate degree in human resources from Bhartiya Vidya Bhavan, Delhi, a postgraduate diploma in labour law from Madras University, a postgraduate diploma in school counselling from Symbiosis, Pune, and a certification in child psychology from Counsel India.
He has also completed his master’s degree in career counselling from ICCC-Mindler and Counsel, India.
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Asked by Anonymous - Oct 24, 2024Hindi
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Career

I have currently 2 flats which can give me rent of at least 80k per month and 1 house where I stay. I have a family of 3 members which includes me, my wife and 2 months old daughter. I am currently working in an IT organisation and have around 10+ years of experience but now I literally feel burnt out. I don’t sleep peacefully at night thinking about quitting my job as I hate it. I haven’t thought about alternatives as I am still exploring. My monthly expense is around 75k per month. Can you please suggest what should I do so that at least I can take care of my family with basic necessities.

Ans: Sir, Since you are already considering alternative career paths, take the time to narrow down the options that interest you. The reasons for feeling burnt out have not been mentioned. Is it because of work pressure? Unusual working hours? Considering a job change within the same domain at a different company is a wise choice. Alternatively, you might explore acquiring skills in a different area that piques your interest or in a field that closely aligns with your existing experience. If you choose to completely transition your career, your 10 years of experience will not be taken into account, and you will be regarded as a newcomer for the position. Additionally, it is advisable not to sell your two flats that provide you with a good rental income to cover your monthly expenses. All the BEST for Your Prosperous Future.

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Asked on - Oct 28, 2024 | Not Answered yet
I am feeling burnt out because I am not liking the work which I am doing plus adding insult to an injury is I am getting worst work environment. I tried switching companies 3 times but all the 3 times I got worst manager who keeps adding immense pressure. That is where I have got extremely frustrated. Kindly suggest what can I do to overcome this situation.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7071 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 26, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 40 years old, in service business. Monthly earning is 1.25 lacs. I have a wife and 2 kids - 6 and 8. Monthly house rent 22k, car loan emi 32k, credit card payments and bill payments, school expenses will need more money than I have by the end of the month. 12 lacs car loan, credit cards 4 lacs, personal loan 4 lacs. What should I go to get out of this rat race apart from making more money? I want to buy a house.
Ans: You’ve done well by identifying the need for financial planning. Your current situation shows that you're proactive and want to take control of your finances. This is an important step towards financial stability and achieving your goals. Your desire to buy a house and get out of the rat race is admirable and achievable with proper planning.

Analyzing Your Financial Situation

At 40 years old, with a family of four, you face typical financial responsibilities. Your income of Rs. 1.25 lakhs per month is decent. However, your current obligations seem to exceed your earnings, causing financial stress.

Your expenses include:

House rent: Rs. 22,000
Car loan EMI: Rs. 32,000
Credit card debt: Rs. 4 lakhs
Personal loan: Rs. 4 lakhs
School expenses and other monthly bills
You have a car loan of Rs. 12 lakhs. Your credit card and personal loan debts are adding financial pressure. This situation makes it difficult to save and plan for a house.

Assessing Debt and Monthly Expenses

Your primary goal should be to manage your debts and monthly expenses. Here’s how you can approach this:

Debt Repayment Strategy

Prioritize High-Interest Debt: Focus on paying off high-interest debts first, such as credit card debt. This will reduce your financial burden over time.

Consolidate Loans: Consider consolidating your debts into a single loan with a lower interest rate. This can simplify repayments and reduce the overall interest burden.

Avoid New Debts: Resist the temptation to take on new loans or use credit cards for unplanned expenses. Stick to your budget and live within your means.

Budgeting

Track Your Spending: Keep a detailed record of your monthly expenses. This will help identify areas where you can cut back.

Create a Realistic Budget: Develop a budget that aligns with your income and financial goals. Include all essential expenses and allocate funds for debt repayment.

Emergency Fund: Build an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses. This will prevent you from relying on credit cards or loans in times of need.

Expense Management

Cut Unnecessary Expenses: Identify non-essential expenses and cut them. Small savings can add up over time and free up funds for debt repayment and savings.

Negotiate Bills: Talk to service providers to negotiate lower rates for utilities, insurance, and other recurring bills. Every little bit helps.

Investment Strategy

Investing wisely can help you achieve your goal of buying a house and securing your financial future. Here’s how you can approach investments:

Invest in Mutual Funds

Mutual funds offer a good balance of risk and return. They are managed by professionals who make investment decisions on your behalf. Here are some benefits:

Diversification: Mutual funds invest in a variety of assets, reducing risk.

Professional Management: Fund managers have the expertise to make informed investment decisions.

Liquidity: Mutual funds are relatively easy to buy and sell, providing liquidity when needed.

Avoid direct funds due to the complexity of managing them yourself. Instead, invest through a certified financial planner (CFP) who can guide you towards the right funds based on your risk tolerance and goals.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)

A SIP is a disciplined way to invest in mutual funds. It allows you to invest a fixed amount regularly, reducing the impact of market volatility.

Consistency: Regular investments help build a substantial corpus over time.

Rupee Cost Averaging: Investing regularly allows you to buy more units when prices are low and fewer when prices are high, averaging out the cost.

Long-Term Goals and Planning

Achieving long-term financial goals requires careful planning and discipline. Here’s how you can approach it:

Children’s Education

Start Early: Begin saving for your children’s education as early as possible. The longer the investment horizon, the more you benefit from compounding.

Education Plans: Consider investing in child education plans offered by mutual funds. They provide the flexibility to withdraw funds as needed for educational expenses.

Retirement Planning

Pension Plans: Look into pension plans that provide regular income after retirement. These plans can supplement your retirement savings.

Regular Investments: Continue investing in mutual funds through SIPs to build a retirement corpus. The goal is to create a portfolio that can provide a steady income during retirement.

Purchasing a House

Buying a house is a significant financial commitment. Here’s how you can prepare:

Save for a Down Payment

Set a Target: Determine the amount you need for a down payment and set a savings target. Aim for at least 20% of the property’s value.

Dedicated Savings Account: Open a dedicated savings account for your house fund. This helps keep your savings goal-focused and separate from other funds.

Assess Affordability

Budget for EMIs: Ensure that your future home loan EMIs fit within your budget. A general rule is that your total EMIs should not exceed 40% of your monthly income.

Consider Additional Costs: Factor in other costs such as maintenance, property tax, and insurance when assessing affordability.

Improve Credit Score

Timely Payments: Pay all your existing loans and credit card bills on time to improve your credit score. A higher score will help you get better loan terms.

Reduce Outstanding Debt: Reducing your overall debt can positively impact your credit score and improve your loan eligibility.

Insurance Planning

Adequate insurance coverage is essential to protect your family’s financial future. Here’s what to consider:

Life Insurance

Term Insurance: Opt for a term insurance plan that provides a high coverage at a low cost. This ensures your family’s financial security in case of an untimely demise.

Sum Assured: Choose a sum assured that can cover your family’s expenses, outstanding debts, and future financial goals.

Health Insurance

Comprehensive Cover: Ensure you have a comprehensive health insurance plan that covers hospitalization, critical illnesses, and regular medical expenses.

Family Floater: Consider a family floater plan that covers all family members under a single policy.

Seeking Professional Guidance

A certified financial planner (CFP) can provide personalized advice and help you navigate your financial challenges. Here’s how they can assist:

Holistic Financial Planning

Customized Plans: A CFP can create a customized financial plan based on your unique circumstances and goals. This plan will outline steps to manage debt, save for future goals, and invest wisely.

Regular Reviews: Regular reviews with a CFP ensure that your financial plan remains aligned with your changing needs and market conditions.

Tax Planning

Tax Efficiency: A CFP can guide you on tax-efficient investments and strategies to minimize your tax liability. This can free up more funds for savings and investments.

Deductions and Exemptions: Utilize available tax deductions and exemptions to reduce your taxable income. For instance, contributions to certain investment plans may qualify for tax benefits.

Final Insights

Achieving financial stability and buying a house requires careful planning and disciplined execution. Here’s a summary of key steps:

Manage Debt: Prioritize and pay off high-interest debts first. Consider consolidating loans to reduce interest burden. Avoid taking on new debts.

Budget Wisely: Track your spending and create a realistic budget. Focus on essential expenses and build an emergency fund.

Invest Wisely: Invest in mutual funds through SIPs for long-term growth. Avoid direct funds and seek guidance from a certified financial planner.

Plan for Goals: Save early for children’s education and retirement. Regular investments can build a substantial corpus over time.

Prepare for Home Purchase: Save for a down payment, assess affordability, and improve your credit score. Plan your future home loan EMIs within your budget.

Ensure Adequate Insurance: Have sufficient life and health insurance coverage to protect your family’s financial future.

Seek Professional Guidance: Consult a certified financial planner for personalized advice and regular reviews of your financial plan.

Remember, financial planning is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed to your plan, make informed decisions, and adjust as needed. With patience and discipline, you can achieve your financial goals and secure a bright future for your family.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7071 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 19, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi, I am 44 Years, Married, Wife age 39 and not working, 2 Kids age 10 and 6 years studying. Monthly In : approx.150000 (after deducting tax etc.). Monthly expenses approx. Rs. 1 Lac, Investment: Rs. 17500 PM in 7 different MFs, 12500 PPF PM, 50000 Insurance Per annum, 50000 NPS per annum, Not having own house (suffered a loss of approx. Rs. 25 Lac in a property in year 2015), currently on rent, not having any other support system...pl advise how to proceed further. Regards
Ans: Current Financial Overview
Your income is Rs. 1,50,000 per month.

Your monthly expenses are approximately Rs. 1,00,000.

You are investing Rs. 17,500 per month in mutual funds, Rs. 12,500 per month in PPF, Rs. 50,000 annually in insurance, and Rs. 50,000 annually in NPS.

Assessing Your Investments
Mutual Funds

Investing in seven different mutual funds is good for diversification.

PPF

PPF is a safe investment with tax benefits.

Insurance

Ensure you have adequate term insurance coverage.

NPS

NPS is good for retirement planning with tax benefits.

Financial Goals and Strategies
Goal: Buying a House
You previously faced a loss in property investment.

Saving for a house should be a priority.

Consider saving separately in a high-interest account.

Goal: Children’s Education
Plan for your children’s education expenses.

Start SIPs in education-focused mutual funds.

Goal: Retirement Planning
You are already investing in NPS and PPF.

Consider increasing contributions to NPS.

Monthly Savings Allocation
Increase Savings

Try to save more from your monthly income.

Aim for saving 25-30% of your income.

Investment Diversification
Equity Mutual Funds

Allocate more to large-cap and mid-cap funds.

These funds offer balanced growth and stability.

Debt Funds

Invest in debt funds for stability and regular income.

Balanced Funds

Consider balanced advantage funds.

These funds provide a mix of equity and debt.

Insurance Review
Term Insurance

Ensure you have adequate term insurance coverage.

A cover of Rs. 1 crore is recommended.

Health Insurance

Ensure comprehensive health coverage for your family.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund.

Keep at least 6 months of expenses in a liquid fund.

Professional Guidance
Consult a Certified Financial Planner.

They can provide personalized advice and regular reviews.

Action Plan
1. Increase SIPs

Gradually increase SIP contributions.

Focus on large-cap, mid-cap, and balanced funds.

2. Save for House

Save separately in a high-interest account for buying a house.

3. Plan for Education

Start SIPs in education-focused mutual funds.

4. Review Insurance

Ensure adequate term and health insurance coverage.

5. Maintain Emergency Fund

Keep an emergency fund for at least 6 months of expenses.

Final Insights
Your financial plan should focus on increasing savings, diversifying investments, and planning for future goals.

Regularly review and adjust your investments to stay on track.

Seek professional guidance to ensure a comprehensive financial strategy.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7071 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 22, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 42 ,me n my family has 8 cr in mf,5 cr property,1 cr in fd ,50 lacs gold , n i have health insurance ,my monthly expense of family is 3 lacs ,please suggest I am planning to quit my job..
Ans: Your financial situation is impressive. You’ve built a strong foundation across multiple asset classes. Here's a detailed review of your portfolio:

Rs 8 crores in mutual funds.
Rs 5 crores in property.
Rs 1 crore in fixed deposits.
Rs 50 lakhs in gold.
Health insurance is in place.
Family's monthly expenses are Rs 3 lakhs.
You are now considering quitting your job. Let's break down the critical factors and give you a clear picture of your financial future.

Monthly Expenses vs. Existing Assets
Your monthly family expenses are Rs 3 lakhs. This translates to Rs 36 lakhs annually. It's crucial to ensure that your investments generate enough returns to cover these expenses without depleting your capital.

The key focus should be on maintaining a steady cash flow to sustain your lifestyle.

While Rs 8 crores in mutual funds and Rs 1 crore in fixed deposits are solid, we need to evaluate their liquidity and returns.

You also need to consider inflation, which will increase your expenses every year.

Evaluating Your Mutual Fund Portfolio
You have Rs 8 crores invested in mutual funds. Let’s look at how this can be optimized for your long-term needs.

Active vs Passive Management: Actively managed mutual funds could offer better returns. Index funds, while low cost, tend to follow market trends. They might not always outperform actively managed funds. Given your goal of quitting your job, maximizing returns is crucial.

Direct vs Regular Funds: If you're investing directly, it could be more taxing for you to monitor the funds. Regular funds managed by a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) offer professional oversight. This ensures your portfolio stays aligned with market conditions and goals.

Debt Allocation: Ensure that a portion of your mutual funds is allocated to debt funds. This will reduce the volatility and provide a steady income. Equity-heavy portfolios can give good returns, but you also need stability, especially when planning to quit your job.

Real Estate: Liquidity and Considerations
Your property worth Rs 5 crores is valuable, but real estate is not very liquid. In case of an emergency, it might not provide quick cash.

Property investments are often illiquid and may not generate regular income unless rented. If there’s no rental income, you should not depend on it for cash flow needs.

While it contributes to your net worth, its direct impact on your monthly cash flow is limited.

Fixed Deposits: Security but Limited Growth
Rs 1 crore in fixed deposits offers stability. However, the returns from FDs are relatively low, especially when you consider inflation.

Interest Income: The interest from your FDs can contribute towards covering your monthly expenses. However, inflation could erode the purchasing power of this income over time.

Inflation Consideration: The average inflation rate in India is about 6-7%. FD returns often do not match up to this, meaning your real returns (after adjusting for inflation) could be negative.

Taxation: Interest earned from FDs is taxable as per your income slab, reducing your net returns. Keep this in mind while evaluating its contribution to your financial goals.

Gold as a Hedge
You have Rs 50 lakhs in gold, which is a great hedge against inflation and market volatility.

Role of Gold: Gold doesn’t generate regular income, but it acts as a store of value. It’s more of a wealth-preservation tool.

Liquidity: Gold can be easily liquidated during times of need, but it’s better to use it as a backup rather than a primary income source.

Health Insurance: Peace of Mind
You already have health insurance, which is excellent. Ensure it covers all major medical expenses and has sufficient coverage for the entire family.

Review Your Coverage: Reassess the sum insured regularly to ensure it matches the rising healthcare costs. Ensure you have family floater health insurance to cover every member.
Post-Retirement Strategy: Generating Regular Income
Quitting your job means you'll need a consistent income stream from your investments. Let’s see how you can plan for this:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): A SWP from your mutual fund portfolio can generate a regular monthly income. This would be tax-efficient and can help meet your Rs 3 lakh monthly expenses.

Debt Fund Allocation: Debt mutual funds could provide stability. Returns are lower than equities but more predictable. They can be used for your regular monthly expenses.

Equity Allocation: Equity funds can still be a significant part of your portfolio. Over the long term, they will provide growth and protect against inflation.

Diversification: Ensure that your portfolio is diversified across asset classes—equities, debt, and gold—so that you’re not overly dependent on one type of asset for income.

Adjusting for Inflation
Inflation is one of the most significant risks to your financial security after quitting your job.

Higher Living Costs: Inflation could push your expenses from Rs 3 lakhs to Rs 6 lakhs in 15-20 years. It’s important to plan for this.

Growth-Oriented Investments: To counter inflation, ensure that a good portion of your investments is in growth assets like equity mutual funds. Over time, these should provide returns that outpace inflation.

Managing Taxes
Tax efficiency is crucial when you’re relying on investments for regular income.

Mutual Fund Taxation: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) on equity mutual funds above Rs 1.25 lakhs are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt Fund Taxation: Debt funds are taxed as per your income tax slab, so consider this while withdrawing.

Tax Planning: Work with a Certified Financial Planner to minimize your tax outgo and maximize your post-tax returns. It’s important to balance income generation with tax efficiency.

What Should You Do Next?
Here’s a step-by-step approach to help you transition smoothly when you quit your job:

Review Your Current Portfolio: Work with a CFP to review your existing mutual fund portfolio. Shift towards a mix of growth and income-generating funds.

Set Up a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): This will provide you with a steady monthly income from your mutual funds.

Build a Debt Mutual Fund Cushion: Allocate a portion of your portfolio towards debt funds to reduce volatility.

Ensure Tax Efficiency: Keep an eye on taxes, especially capital gains and interest income. Use tax-efficient strategies to protect your income.

Plan for Inflation: Ensure that a significant portion of your investments remains in growth-oriented assets to beat inflation in the long run.

Finally
Your decision to quit your job is supported by a solid financial base. However, managing your portfolio for regular income, tax efficiency, and inflation protection will be key to sustaining your lifestyle without stress. A clear strategy with professional guidance will ensure a smooth and secure transition into this new phase of life.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Relationship
Dear Anu Krishna, I'm 48 married with 2 kids daughter in 10th and son in 5th. Wife works as a VP in a large firm. Since post COVID there has been almost no intimacy. I tried to talk to her and she says that I'm a sex maniac. I said once in six months at least she says not interested. She s fit in good health exercises and all tests are ok. Last year my friend's wife informed me about their private WhatsApp messages and I was shocked. We go on tours and trips and functions and everything externally is normal. I buy her gifts and we go out to restaurants etc. Everything except intimacy. I've tried to talk about 50 times but she doesn't want to talk not seek any help. Infact the signs of this started from 2016. She's 43 now. I m thinking of now seperating from her. Im really fed up. Nothing is working, and she's adamant. I've pulled on for kids but maybe I can be together for a few more years. I can't live with her forever. You generally ask people to get help and talk etc which is done and tried and yet no solution. Can you agree for once that there is a genuine case to not continue It's my life I know but I think I'm 100% right and that i have hit the end of the road. Inhold you in high regard hence writing to you Sameer
Ans: Dear Sachin,
Thank you for your kind and respectful acknowledgement of me.
Now,
You wrote:
Last year my friend's wife informed me about their private WhatsApp messages and I was shocked. - What was shocking? You have not shared this!

Lack of interest in sex can be due to:
- change in hormones
- boredom in the bedroom routine
- lack of intimacy outside the bedroom

Now, what I must agree on is something that we can keep aside, yeah? My job is to try and guide people to put things together of course, if that's what they want. You seem to have already believed that nothing can work; how can anyone guide you? When you claim that you nothing is working, I will still ask you, "How do you know that you have tried everything to know that nothing is working?"

Also, if you have decided to separate, what more can I suggest? You feel that you are 100% right, BUT you know what: If you actually were 100% right, you would not be here checking in with me...Just playing the mirror here for you.
I still would suggest that you work on your marriage; communicate and rebuild...it's a long path BUT the fruits of it can be amazing!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 18, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi , I am married 2.5 years ago to a man , who is very less in education compared to me , this marriage was done as a compromise or in worries about my future as my parents are no more .. He and his family is average in all case ..cleanliness, hygeiene , social relations, religious practices , education , self respect , financial well being ... all these things are either meaningless for them or they vary poor in those . Nor even they have moral values , as they have cheated me by hiding my husband's age to me . I told them that we strongly believe in astrology and will not go without it . Still they gave me wrong information about his age and he is very elder to me .As I am well educated , employed and self dependant. So they somehow trapped me for marriage. After 3-4 months of marriage my husband was diagnosed (a type of oral cancer) caused due to consuming gutkha and ciggarettes. He lied and denied to have any disease still i started his medication . In some time I lost my job also still continued his treatment , tried to help him in his business , it made a big impact on my sqving too :( But because of his careless business practice , it didnt work for him. Also I paid many times his car's EMI . And supported in all types of expenses be it house hold , his medication or business . He has parental properties in village but they are hardly using it for their own use and wanted to use my money till now . As I now denied to give more money , now they have started looking to sell or rent / lease their property for their use . I have spent lot of money on them , I hardly believe they will try to pay it out fully to me or give some part of property for my safe future now :( I am now 43 and have no children . At other hand my brother is also alone( even being his wife and 2 sons) Wife is quarrelsome and has a history of false case of dowry on my brother and due to this my brother and my family sufferered a lot , its been 20 years now . But this has tortured my brother me and my mother a lot in past .Sis-in-law never let my nephews to stay or sit for some time with us (me or my mother ). And now as my both nephews have grown up my sis-in-law told them lie as if she was victim and , we were the culprit . Children were innocent , they didnt knew the fact , hence taking mother's side now. I thought that as my sis-in-law doesn't like us so unwillingly I decided to marry with a compromise , thinking that after my marriage all will be fine in brother's home , But nothing improved. And now my brother , after my marriage is emotionally alone at home , I feel very sorry about this . I want to go back and take care of my brother , as now he is 53 and emotionally very weak , diabetic and suffering other disease too . Sis-in-law is least interested in his health , care .. so as her children. Going back to parental (it is my father's home, so i also have legal right on that property )home and leaving husband is not so easy, .. Elder Nephew and sis-in-law can become very violent as they are always . I dont want to endanger my brother's health and if I dont go then also .. brother is taking care of him alone ..that too very casually ..how can i make all things correct . Please suggest .
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Hello! Excuse me...
Take care of yourself first before trying to save someone else.
Your brother is a grown man and knows what is to be done. Allow him to process his life's situations. By stepping into it especially in your state of mind will make things worse. Also, if you want guidance on this, kindly post another question else it will get confusing for all of us here.

First think of what you must do to make things better for yourself. Ask yourself whether you are interested in continuing the marriage. A lot of your time, money and energy has been invested in it and based on a lie. You have no clue what else they have lied about...do you want a marriage that is standing on a bed of lies? is it possible for you to trust your husband and his family all over again? What can they do so that you place trust in them again?

If this is not possible, the you are in a place where you need to make decisions about your marriage and your life in general.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

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Relationship
Hi Anu, Im 27yrs old. I have been married for 1.5 yrs. Me and my husband live abroad. I grew up abroad for a great deal of my life and all members of my family are post graduate degree holders from renowned universities. Recently my mother-in-law came to visit us, she is staying for 6 months. My husband prior to marriage said that his mother is educated when I asked him. Post marriage I found out she studied only till 10th and married my father-in-law who is deceased. Since her arrival, my mother-in-law’s behaviour has been very weird. 1. She once told me that in their caste Kshatriyas ( we had an inter-caste marriage) its very common for the men to have 2 wives and mistresses. This was said totally out if context. Couple of days later she mentioned that her husband had a mistress. 2. She asks me questions about why things are the way they are and why are they like that. I find it very difficult to answer to her questions at the same time I don’t want to sound condescending. 3. She complained to my mother that my husband and I are using up too much ghee and oil. She blames that I made her son fat. My husband likes to have everything deep fried when I don’t do as he asks he throws a fit like a child and refuses to eat. Now I realised why, she deep fries almost everything, bhindi, potato, gobi, arvi, and even brinjal. 4. She also mentions that some relative of their was going to give then 2kg gold dowry to marry her son. I asked her why didn’t she accept it then. They she covered up saying that our engagement was already done by then. Again recently, she was talking to her sister on the phone and was saying that a girl is really beautiful and she was considering her for my husband but he liked me. All while I was literally in front of her. 5. She tries to take over the kitchen, she wants to wash dishes by hand and there is food residue all over. She doesn't want me to use the dishwasher. When I pointedly out that there is residue all dried up on the mixer blade, she covered it up saying that its powder. 6. I asked her not to put oil or ghee on the roti pan when making rotis as its ruining the pan and to ghee after the roti is cooked. She still went ahead and melted butter and poured it on the pan and made rotis. She said that they are not puffing up without the oil. I tried it out myself and I discovered that she lied. Dishonesty is my biggest peeve. I have no respect for her now. I don’t understand why she behaves the way she does. She also expects me to listen to all her stories and express interest in her superstitions. She on the other hand shows total disregard to what I say. My parents want me to be nice to her as she is a widow and has only her son and daughter. She is not nice to her daughter. My sister in law does not want to live with her in laws and my mother-in-laws laughs when she calls her crying. I have witnessed her gas lighting her daughter on many occasions. Once my husband asked her is the sister can come stay at home with her back in India and my mother-in-law said that she does not want her daughter in the house because she is a burden. My mother in law also keeps telling me that I should press her son’s legs as it will give Lakshmi. Once he took food from my plate I told him to put it back and get his own, she said its a Maha paap to snatch from husband’s mouth. She uses this Mahapaap whenever I ask my husband to help around the house. I don’t know how to communicate this with my husband and how to deal with her. He believes he needs to provide everything his mom wants and give her the world because she went thru difficulties after their dad’s passing. However my mother in law believes her life got better after her husband’s passing. She says that her husband was abusive to her physically, emotionally and financially. What do I do?
Ans: Dear DD,
Some space is necessary to be away from people who display less empathy. It keeps the relationship healthier.
You will usually find me guiding people towards one another first BUT at times maintaining a healthy distance can save relationships. Your mother-in-law can become the cause for stress within your marriage as you will have no one to take your complaints to other than your husband. He is obviously not going to take it that easily...
Also the fact that your mother-in-law herself hasn't held a steady marriage is going to be a constant source of more stresses as she is very likely to expect special treatment from her son and you.
She needs to work on her mind and that's too much to expect of her. It's wise to keep some distance and over time, she may wish to re-build relationships with everyone and live in harmony.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 18, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
My mother (42 years old) came in relationship with a neighbour guy suddenly before few months. This neighbour guy is just 5 years elder than me & 20 years younger than my mother, but whenever this neighbour guy touch my mother, she feels too uncomfortable. My father knows about it, but he is not saying anything to my mother to stop all these nonsense. Why don't my mother break-up with him if she feels uncomfortable ?? What was the need of being in relationship with a person who is 20 years younger than her ?? Why is my father allowing this ?? Is there any problem ?? My father loves my mother a lot & she knows about it, then what's wrong here ?? My mother asked me to not to interfere in this when I asked these questions to her.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It must be difficult for you swallow this fact that your parents' marriage is not picture perfect. Most things in life are not the way they seem to be. You are young and slowly this truth will sink in...
Until then, it's better to stay away from your parents' marriage. They are adults and know what must be done. If they have some sort of understanding between them, that's solely their business.
Yes, this bothers you...then request them to just hear you out; they may not explain anything to you...but at least you will feel heard out! You can share your insecurities with them...
Talk to a school counselor or someone who you can trust; that way you are not holding things within...Life ain't simple; but we can simplify it to a certain extent.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi maam. I am a doctor and i am in relationship with a solider. We are very happy. But i told my family.. My family is not ready to accept him. As my both parents are lawyers and am doctor. My parents are very much concerned about there social status and want me leave this relationship anyhow for them and marry a guy of there choice. They have huge problem as he is normal solider not a officer ranked person. .... I tried to convice them. Alot.. But now both my parents started called me bad words and trap me like if i leave them and go they will suicide... Daily they calls me and tell that it will never happen. And if u leave ur parents for him they will commit suicide. Recently my dad is acting or actually he have i dont know... He does like a pyschotic person and told he feels like commiting suicides. He told because an doing lke this he feel pyachotic probome. Now he is on medication. And he is planning to do voluntart retirement as he is not able to work. He keep telling all this is because of my relationship and i want to marry my partner Both my mother and father is continuously telling no to my relationship and if i leave them they will suicide. They told me they don't care about how hard it will be for me to leave but somehow to leave amd save ur family I dont know. I am not able to leave my relationship Nor not able to makemy parents suffer I feel really frustrated
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Being lawyers and then behaving immaturely is something that shocks me. But well, emotions can have different shades, right?
I do not subscribe to emotional blackmail which is what your parents are subjecting you to.
Social status difference is something that parents do worry about for their children. It's an age-old conditioning and hard for them to change.
Now let me ask you:
Besides loving this person (soldier), what are those qualities in him that can actually put your parents' mind at ease?

This is what you must be thinking of as challenging their conditioning is going to be of no use. Instead, find out what can actually appeal to them about him. It's about addressing all their concerns so that they feel that their daughter will never face any difficulties in future. Parents do what they can for their children and stepping into marriage is a huge responsibility for them. So, shift their focus onto his good qualities etc. Let the boy also make his effort to bond with your family. It takes time and a lot of effort; do just that!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |665 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

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