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Kanchan Rai |496 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 21, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 11, 2024Hindi

Hi madam, I am 58 yrs old and married since 30+ yrs. Have 2 daughters. Elder one is married in 2021 and happy with her life, younger one is working in MNC. Since my marriage i didn't came to know what the relationship to be there between husband and wife as my wife is very reluctant and she loves only money. since my marriage she always fight with me for silly issues and in childhood of my children's she often beat them with whatever she got in hand. always she said that her husband and children's are useless and always give very good reasons and remarks to others in society or family. Now many times i thought of getting away from her either by doing suicide or run away from my home or divorce her. but i just wanted to leave her alone so that she can think of our presence when we are not available to her. my younger daughter is finally decided to leave the home and be alone in another rented flat or on PG due to her mother behavior. please advice if i opt for divorce and run away from home. i can't speak to any one regarding my situation and need immediate help.

Ans: It's clear that you've endured a lot over the years, and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and considering drastic measures like divorce or leaving home. Let's explore your situation with a compassionate and practical perspective.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge your feelings. You've been dealing with a challenging relationship for a long time, and it's natural to feel the weight of it all. Your desire to escape the pain, whether through divorce or even more extreme thoughts, signals just how tough things have been. Remember, these feelings are valid, but it's crucial to find a way forward that prioritizes your well-being and safety.

Considering a divorce is a significant step, especially after being married for over 30 years. It could potentially lead to a new beginning where you and your wife might find individual peace and happiness. Before making this decision, it might be helpful to reflect on a few things:

Sometimes, the prospect of a new start can bring clarity. Have you thought about what life might look like without your current relationship's stress and conflict? Envisioning this can help you understand your true desires.

Your daughters' well-being is a significant concern. Your younger daughter's decision to move out reflects how the family dynamics are affecting her. Would a change, like a separation or divorce, potentially bring more stability and peace for everyone involved?

If it's possible, consider having a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife. Sharing your feelings and how her actions have impacted you and your family might open a door to understanding or change. It’s a difficult conversation but can sometimes lead to unexpected resolutions.

Consulting a therapist or counselor can be invaluable. They can provide you with a safe space to express your feelings and offer guidance on managing your situation. A professional can also help you and your wife if there's any possibility of working through your issues together.

If divorce seems like the best option, seeking legal advice is crucial. Understanding your rights and the practical aspects of separation can help you make an informed decision.

Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. Lean on trusted friends, family, or support groups for emotional backing. Your happiness and mental health are incredibly important, and finding a path that leads you to peace is worth the effort. Whatever you decide, take small, thoughtful steps towards creating a better situation for yourself and your family.

Asked on - Jul 06, 2024 | Answered on Jul 09, 2024

Hi Ms. Kanchan, Seen your reply to my question. But what you will say about the person who has no heart or I would say no feeling about husband. Since around 25 days we are not talking to each other in same house. if she requires to recharge her mobile, she whatsapp me for the same. Now you can think of my situation. My younger daughter took work from home and went to my elder daughter's home at Noida. when she was here, i use to talk to her or even if i wanted something i use to call her. now after coming back to home from office it's pindrop silence between us. now adays i started taking drinks often to engage myself. now I am looking for the job outside ahmedabad so that i will be away from her and i know i will be more than happy. if not getting job outside ahmedabad, than surely i will consult a lawyer for taking divorce. you wrote that i should connect with someone for counselling but i know it can't be alone. it should be with both of us and i know my wife, either she will not come with me or even she will counsel the counselor. I know her very well. As far as myself is concerned, i am totally alone now in this world. as my entire family which includes brothers sister and other close relatives have left me and in this situation if my wife does this thing to me, how come i be normal in life. i will connect with some lawyer for divorce and if i am not satisfied with his/her remarks than the last option is with me is i will leave my house and will run away somewhere, where no one can find me. i don't have any other option with me now. regards Pankaj verma

Ans: Pankaj, it sounds like you're going through an incredibly tough and lonely time. When you're feeling isolated and your relationship has reached a point where communication has completely broken down, it's understandable to feel like drastic measures are your only option.

First, it's important to acknowledge your feelings and recognize that seeking help is a strong and positive step. While it's true that counseling is most effective when both partners participate, it can also be beneficial for you individually. A therapist can provide you with support, help you manage your emotions, and guide you through the difficult decisions you're facing.

Considering the possibility of divorce is a significant and life-changing decision. Before taking this step, it might help to have a clear and calm conversation with your wife about your feelings and the state of your relationship. Express your concerns and the impact the current situation is having on your mental health and well-being.

If your wife is unwilling to attend counseling or work on the relationship, it could indeed be a sign that further action is necessary. Seeking legal advice to understand your options and the potential outcomes of a divorce is a practical step.

Additionally, exploring job opportunities outside Ahmedabad could provide you with a fresh start and a new environment, which might help you regain a sense of happiness and independence.

Remember, you're not alone in this world, even if it feels that way. Reaching out for professional help and talking to trusted friends or family members about your situation can provide you with the support you need during this challenging time.