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I Have Saved 1.22 Crores. Should I Invest More In FD As I Retire In April?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 16, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Balachandran Question by Balachandran on Jul 01, 2024Hindi
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Dear Sir/Madam i have an savings of 1.22CR i have invested in MF and some amount in FD also, want to ask you is it better to invest in FD as i am retiring next year by April thanks.

Ans: Evaluation of Current Investments

Your current savings of Rs 1.22 crore is commendable. Having investments in mutual funds and fixed deposits shows a balanced approach.

However, evaluating the need for fixed deposits is crucial. Fixed deposits offer safety but low returns compared to mutual funds. Since you are retiring soon, it is essential to assess the balance between safety and growth.

Fixed Deposits: Pros and Cons

Pros:

Fixed deposits provide guaranteed returns.

They are safe and secure investments.

Liquidity is available but may come with penalties.

Cons:

Returns are lower compared to mutual funds.

Interest earned is taxable.

Inflation can erode the real value of returns.

Mutual Funds: Pros and Cons

Pros:

Potential for higher returns compared to fixed deposits.

Diversified investments reduce risk.

Flexibility to choose funds based on risk appetite and goals.

Cons:

Returns are market-linked and can fluctuate.

Requires regular monitoring.

May involve higher costs if not chosen wisely.

Assessing Your Needs

Given your retirement plan next year, stability and income generation become essential. Fixed deposits provide stability, but mutual funds can offer growth. A mix of both can provide balance.

Strategy for Retirement

Consider maintaining a portion in fixed deposits for safety. This portion can cover short-term needs. The rest can remain in mutual funds for growth. This strategy ensures a balance between safety and potential returns.

Final Insights

Your proactive approach is commendable. Maintaining safety with fixed deposits and growth with mutual funds can serve you well. Regular reviews with a Certified Financial Planner can ensure alignment with your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 11, 2024Hindi
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I intend to quit job very shortly and will have a Corpus of 1.25 crores and regular monthly pension of Rs.75k form work. Should I put invest in conservative Fd or MF. I am 51 years old without any liability or responsibility.
Ans: Congratulations on nearing your retirement! It's fantastic that you've diligently saved up a significant corpus and have a steady pension lined up. You're in a commendable position to make informed financial decisions.

Given your circumstances, a conservative approach to investing seems prudent. Fixed Deposits (FDs) offer stability and are a safe haven for your funds. They guarantee returns, albeit modest ones, shielding your corpus from market volatility.

Mutual Funds (MFs), on the other hand, can potentially offer higher returns but come with market risks. Actively managed funds, in particular, can be tailored to suit your risk tolerance and financial goals.

However, considering your imminent retirement and the need for stability, a mix of both FDs and carefully chosen mutual funds could be beneficial. You could allocate a portion of your corpus to FDs for stability and liquidity while investing the rest in MFs for potential growth.

Moreover, as a Certified Financial Planner, I'd recommend diversifying across different MF categories to spread risk. Equity-oriented balanced funds or debt funds with a track record of consistent returns could be suitable options.

Regular reviews of your portfolio with a professional can ensure it stays aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance. Additionally, consider factors like taxation and inflation while making investment decisions.

Remember, transitioning into retirement is a significant life change, both financially and emotionally. Ensure you have a solid financial plan in place to support your lifestyle and aspirations during this phase.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 04, 2024Hindi
Money
wish to invest 1 cr MF or FD which is better
Ans: Investing 1 Crore in Mutual Funds or Fixed Deposits: A Detailed Analysis

Understanding Your Investment Goals
When you have Rs 1 crore to invest, it's crucial to understand your financial goals. Are you seeking growth, safety, or a balance of both? Identifying your objectives is the first step towards making an informed decision.

Evaluating Fixed Deposits
Fixed Deposits (FDs) are a popular investment choice in India. They offer a fixed rate of return over a specified period, which appeals to many investors due to the predictability and safety they provide.

Safety and Stability
FDs are considered very safe. The principal amount is secure, and the returns are guaranteed. This makes FDs suitable for conservative investors who prefer low risk.

Returns and Inflation Impact
However, the returns on FDs are relatively low. Currently, FD interest rates range from 5-7% per annum. When accounting for inflation, which averages around 5-6%, the real return is minimal. This can erode the purchasing power of your investment over time.

Exploring Mutual Funds
Mutual Funds (MFs) pool money from many investors to invest in various assets. These can include stocks, bonds, and other securities. MFs offer different schemes catering to diverse investment needs, making them a versatile investment option.

Potential for Higher Returns
Mutual Funds have the potential to offer higher returns compared to FDs. Equity Mutual Funds, for instance, can deliver 12-15% returns over the long term. This can significantly grow your investment over time.

Diversification
Mutual Funds provide diversification by investing in a mix of assets, which spreads risk. This reduces the impact of poor performance in any single investment. Diversification is a key strategy for managing risk and enhancing returns.

Professional Management
Mutual Funds are managed by professional fund managers. These experts analyze market trends and make informed decisions to maximize returns while managing risk. Their expertise can be beneficial, especially for those who lack the time or knowledge to manage investments actively.

Tax Efficiency
Mutual Funds also offer tax advantages. For instance, long-term capital gains from equity mutual funds are taxed at 10% for gains above Rs 1 lakh, which is lower than the tax on interest income from FDs, taxed at the individual's marginal tax rate.

Flexibility and Liquidity
Mutual Funds offer flexibility with various schemes based on your risk appetite and investment horizon. They also provide liquidity, allowing you to redeem your investment easily when needed, subject to exit loads and taxes. This flexibility is advantageous for managing financial needs and emergencies.

Types of Mutual Funds: Debt, Hybrid, and Equity
Mutual Funds come in various types, each serving different investment goals and risk appetites. Understanding these can help you make a more informed decision.

Debt Mutual Funds
Debt Mutual Funds invest in fixed-income securities like bonds, government securities, and corporate debt. They are less risky compared to equity funds and provide steady returns. They are ideal for conservative investors seeking regular income with lower risk.

Hybrid Mutual Funds
Hybrid Mutual Funds invest in a mix of equity and debt instruments. They offer a balance of growth and stability. This makes them suitable for moderate investors looking for a blend of income and capital appreciation. Hybrid funds can adjust the equity-debt ratio based on market conditions, providing flexibility and adaptability.

Equity Mutual Funds
Equity Mutual Funds invest primarily in stocks. They carry higher risk but have the potential for substantial returns over the long term. They are suitable for aggressive investors with a high-risk tolerance and a long-term investment horizon. Equity funds can deliver significant capital appreciation, making them ideal for wealth creation.

Actively Managed Funds vs Index Funds
You might be considering Index Funds. However, there are disadvantages to them. Index Funds merely track a market index and do not aim to outperform it, which means they can perform poorly during market downturns.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds, on the other hand, aim to outperform the market. Fund managers actively make investment decisions to achieve this goal. This can lead to better returns, especially in volatile markets. Their ability to adjust strategies based on market conditions can be a significant advantage.

Direct Funds vs Regular Funds
If you are thinking about direct funds, it's essential to understand their drawbacks. Direct funds require you to manage the investment yourself, which can be challenging without sufficient knowledge and time.

Benefits of Regular Funds through a Certified Financial Planner
Regular funds involve a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). A CFP can provide valuable advice and guidance, helping you choose the right funds based on your goals and risk tolerance. This professional support can enhance your investment strategy and outcomes, ensuring you make informed decisions.

Reassessing LIC, ULIP, and Investment-cum-Insurance Policies
If you hold LIC, ULIP, or investment-cum-insurance policies, reconsider them. These products often offer lower returns compared to mutual funds. Surrendering these policies and reinvesting in mutual funds can be more beneficial. Mutual funds typically provide higher returns and greater flexibility.

Analyzing Risks
All investments carry some risk. FDs have low risk but offer low returns. Mutual funds carry higher risk but offer the potential for higher returns. Understanding and accepting this risk-return trade-off is crucial for making informed investment decisions.

Considering Market Volatility
Market volatility is a concern for many investors. Mutual funds, especially equity funds, can be volatile in the short term. However, over the long term, they tend to deliver strong returns. Staying invested and not reacting to short-term market fluctuations is essential for achieving your financial goals.

Importance of Time Horizon
Your investment horizon plays a significant role. For short-term goals, FDs might be suitable due to their stability. For long-term goals, mutual funds are preferable. They can leverage the power of compounding to grow your wealth substantially over time.

Strategic Asset Allocation
A well-thought-out asset allocation strategy is vital. This involves dividing your investment among different asset classes. For instance, a mix of equity, debt, and hybrid mutual funds can provide growth and stability. This diversified approach can help you achieve your financial goals more efficiently and reduce overall risk.

Regular Monitoring and Rebalancing
Investing is not a one-time activity. Regularly monitoring your investment and rebalancing your portfolio is important. This ensures your investment remains aligned with your goals and risk tolerance. A Certified Financial Planner can assist in this process, offering professional advice and adjustments as needed.

Understanding Your Risk Tolerance
Everyone has a different risk tolerance. Assessing your comfort with risk is essential. This helps in choosing the right investment options. Mutual funds offer schemes catering to various risk levels, from conservative to aggressive, allowing you to align your investments with your risk appetite.

Role of Economic Factors
Economic factors like interest rates, inflation, and market conditions impact investments. FDs are sensitive to interest rate changes, while mutual funds are influenced by market dynamics. Understanding these factors helps in making informed investment decisions and adapting to changing economic environments.

Comparing Liquidity
Liquidity is the ease of converting an investment into cash. FDs have a fixed tenure and might incur penalties for early withdrawal. Mutual funds offer higher liquidity, allowing you to redeem them at any time, subject to exit loads and taxes. This flexibility is advantageous for managing financial needs and emergencies.

Assessing Historical Performance
Evaluating the historical performance of mutual funds is crucial. Past performance is not a guarantee of future returns, but it provides insights into the fund's consistency and management quality. Reviewing performance over different market cycles helps in selecting reliable funds and understanding potential risks and rewards.

Impact of Market Cycles
Market cycles affect investment returns. During bull markets, mutual funds can deliver impressive returns. In bear markets, they may underperform. Staying invested through different market phases is key to achieving long-term growth. This resilience can lead to substantial wealth accumulation over time.

Professional Guidance
Navigating the investment landscape can be complex. Professional guidance from a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) is invaluable. They provide personalized advice based on your financial situation, goals, and risk tolerance. This expert support enhances your investment strategy and confidence, ensuring you make informed and strategic decisions.

Advantages of Regular Investments
Investing regularly, rather than a lump sum, can be beneficial. Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in mutual funds allow you to invest small amounts regularly. This strategy averages out the purchase cost and mitigates market volatility. It instills financial discipline and helps in building a substantial corpus over time.

Emotional Aspect of Investing
Investing involves emotions. Fear and greed can influence investment decisions. It's important to remain disciplined and avoid making impulsive decisions based on market movements. A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can help you stay focused on your long-term goals, providing emotional support and rational advice during volatile market periods.

Reviewing Financial Goals
Periodically reviewing your financial goals is essential. Life circumstances and priorities change over time. Regularly assessing and adjusting your investment strategy ensures it remains aligned with your evolving needs and aspirations. This ongoing evaluation helps in staying on track to achieve your financial objectives.

Importance of Financial Literacy
Enhancing your financial literacy is beneficial. Understanding basic investment concepts empowers you to make informed decisions. It also helps in evaluating professional advice and staying engaged with your investment journey. Various resources, including books, online courses, and financial seminars, can aid in improving financial knowledge and confidence.

Benefits of Mutual Funds for Retirement Planning
Mutual funds are an excellent option for retirement planning. They offer growth potential to build a substantial retirement corpus. By investing in a mix of equity, debt, and hybrid funds, you can balance growth and stability. This ensures a comfortable and financially secure retirement, providing you with peace of mind and financial independence.

Impact of Global Events
Global events can impact investments. Factors like geopolitical tensions, economic policies, and global market trends influence returns. Staying informed about global developments and their potential impact helps in making prudent investment decisions. A well-diversified mutual fund portfolio can mitigate some of these risks and provide stability.

Importance of Emergency Fund
Having an emergency fund is crucial. It provides a financial cushion during unforeseen events. Before making significant investments, ensure you have a sufficient emergency fund. This prevents the need to liquidate long-term investments during emergencies, ensuring your financial plan remains intact and your long-term goals are not compromised.

Final Insights
Investing Rs 1 crore is a significant decision. Fixed Deposits offer safety and predictability but limited growth. Mutual Funds, with their potential for higher returns, diversification, and professional management, present a compelling option.

Understanding your goals, risk tolerance, and investment horizon is key. Regular monitoring, professional guidance, and staying informed enhance your investment journey. Remember, a well-planned investment strategy can lead to substantial wealth creation and financial security.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Requesting you, to help me, regarding midcap 150 etf of mirae asset midcap 150 etf for longterm through SIP
Ans: Let us review the suitability of investing in a mid-cap 150 ETF for the long term via SIP.

Understanding ETFs and Their Characteristics
Passive Management: Midcap ETFs replicate an index like the Nifty Midcap 150.

Cost Efficiency: They offer lower expense ratios compared to actively managed funds.

No Active Decision Making: They do not try to outperform the market but track the index.

Volatility Concerns: Midcap indices are more volatile than large-cap indices.

Returns Depend on Index: The ETF's performance mirrors the performance of its benchmark.

Disadvantages of Investing in Midcap ETFs
Lack of Active Management
Mid-cap stocks are highly volatile.

Active fund managers can adjust portfolios to limit risks during downturns.

ETFs lack this flexibility, as they strictly follow the index composition.

Limited Flexibility in Rebalancing
Market conditions often demand sector rotation or stock-specific decisions.

Actively managed funds adapt to such conditions, but ETFs cannot.

Tracking Errors
ETFs may not perfectly replicate the index due to tracking errors.

This can affect returns, especially over the long term.

Why Actively Managed Funds May Be Better
Fund Manager Expertise
Skilled managers can outperform the index by selecting high-growth stocks.

They can mitigate risks in falling markets through tactical decisions.

Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not limited to a predefined basket of stocks.

Managers can select fundamentally strong stocks beyond the index.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds have historically outperformed midcap indices over long periods.

This makes them a better choice for wealth creation in the mid-cap segment.

Recommendations for Long-Term Mid-Cap Investments
Diversify: Include actively managed mid-cap funds instead of relying solely on an ETF.

Professional Guidance: Invest in regular plans via a Certified Financial Planner.

Monitor Performance: Review fund performance every 6–12 months.

Manage Risk: Avoid overexposure to mid-cap investments due to their volatility.

Final Insights
While Mirae Asset Midcap 150 ETF is a low-cost option, it has limitations.

Active mid-cap funds can better navigate market volatility.

They provide the flexibility and expertise required for wealth creation.

For long-term SIPs, consider balanced exposure to actively managed funds. This ensures both growth and risk management over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Money
Dear sir, I am 50 years old and working in private sector MNC 1.5 Lakhs on hand. My job security is very less. I have two kids aged 18, 14 years old. My wife is housewife. I have 80L in Mutual funds and 20L in stocks, Bank deposits 40L. I am investing in SIP in below Mutual funds all direct growth around 57000 pm. CR Bule chip fund, MA Large and Midcap, HDFC smallcap each 5000 pm (15000) step up 2000 every 6months. Invesco Infra, JM Value fund, Nippon India Multicap, Small cap, Parag parekh Flexi cap, Quant Small cap, Mid cap each 6000 pm (42000), all these SIPs started recently from June 2024. Some Lumpsum in Axis smallcap 6L, Bandan core Equity 3L, CR Smallcap 8L, DSP smallcap 4L,HSBC Flexicap 3.5, HSBC Smallcap 3L, ICICI Pru Infra 3.5L, Value discovery 3L, Invesco Large & Midcap 2L, JM Flexicap 1L, Motilal Oswal Midcap 8L, SBI Bluechip 7L, Infrastructure 2L, Sundaram Smallcap 3L My expenses per month are 1.2 Lakh. I don't have loans/EMIs. Please advice me for my retirement life which need at least 1.5L per month, my kids education expenses, and also advice to my Portfolio. Thanks and regards, Yours sincerely, Purushotham Thati
Ans: Your current portfolio and investment habits show a good start. Let us evaluate your financial standing, address your goals, and provide suggestions for optimisation.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh and expenses of Rs. 1.2 lakh. This leaves a surplus of Rs. 30,000 per month.

Investment Corpus: Your existing corpus includes Rs. 80 lakh in mutual funds, Rs. 20 lakh in stocks, and Rs. 40 lakh in bank deposits.

SIP Contributions: You are investing Rs. 57,000 monthly across multiple mutual funds.

Lump Sum Investments: You have allocated significant lump sums to small-cap, flexi-cap, and thematic funds.

Goals: Your goals include securing Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly for retirement and funding your children's education.

Planning for Retirement
Corpus Required
You aim for Rs. 1.5 lakh per month during retirement.

Factor in inflation to estimate future monthly expenses.

The current corpus and SIPs must grow consistently to meet this goal.

Recommendations
Maintain a balanced allocation between equity and debt for steady growth.

Avoid excessive concentration in small-cap and thematic funds, which are volatile.

Increase exposure to balanced and flexi-cap funds for stability.

Planning for Children’s Education
Current Needs
Your children are aged 18 and 14, which implies upcoming higher education expenses.

Plan for expenses within the next 4–8 years.

Recommendations
Create a dedicated education fund for both children.

Use debt-oriented hybrid funds or short-term debt funds for near-term goals.

Ensure part of your mutual fund corpus is earmarked for this purpose.

Portfolio Review and Suggestions
Strengths of the Portfolio
Disciplined SIP Investments: Investing Rs. 57,000 monthly shows financial discipline.

Diversification: Exposure to various categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds.

Areas for Improvement
Excessive Small-Cap Allocation: High exposure to small-cap funds increases volatility.

Thematic Fund Overlap: Thematic funds like infrastructure may lead to concentration risks.

Direct Fund Investments: Direct funds lack professional guidance and ongoing monitoring.

Portfolio Optimisation
Consolidate funds to reduce over-diversification and improve focus.

Shift some SIPs to balanced advantage or hybrid funds for stability.

Review and replace underperforming funds periodically.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner to benefit from professional advice.

Optimising Lumpsum Investments
Review the performance of your lump sum investments.

Redeploy underperforming small-cap and thematic funds into balanced funds.

Keep a portion of your bank deposits in liquid funds for emergencies.

Avoid high allocations to sectoral or cyclical funds due to their dependency on market conditions.

Tax Planning
Long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions considering these rules to minimise tax liabilities.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Maintain at least 6–12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.

This ensures financial security given your low job security.

Allocate Rs. 15–20 lakh from your bank deposits for this purpose.

Recommendations for SIPs
Reduce exposure to small-cap and thematic funds.

Increase allocation to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Consider balanced advantage funds to manage market volatility.

Step-up SIPs only after assessing fund performance.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong, but optimisation is essential.

Prioritise stability and diversification in your portfolio.

Allocate funds separately for retirement and children’s education.

Maintain a robust emergency fund to handle uncertainties.

Seek professional advice to streamline and monitor your investments.

Consistent review and disciplined investing will help you achieve financial independence and secure your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |807 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
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Retiremen advice I am 50 yrs old single with recurring and chronic health issues. I would like to retire and I have 2 crore in FD 1 crore in stock and mutual funds I also own a home and a flat both are free of debt. Please advice me to restructure my assets and have a peaceful retirement. My tax consultant told me I can get up to 3 lakhs per month with 3 cr invested in stocks and mutual funds How realistic is it possible and how to montage the downside risks associated with it. I had been a victim of Franklin Templeton debt funds during covid and I do not trust Mutual funds houses or its manages as before.
Ans: Hello;

It is impossible to get 3 L per month with 3 Cr corpus in mutual funds, unless you are ready to deplete the corpus completely over 10-12 years.

Since you were impacted with Franklin Templeton debt funds issue earlier, I recommend you to buy an immediate annuity from a life insurance company for a sum of 2.8 Cr.

You may chose annuity for life with return of purchase price to your nominee.

It may yield you a post tax monthly income of around 1.1 L+.

After fulfilling your regular expenses you may begin a monthly sip of 10-15 K in any equity fund.

The corpus that this investment will generate over 10-15 years may be used to top-up annuity and hence monthly payouts to account for rise in the inflation.

You may keep balance 20 L corpus in savings account as emergency fund.

Although the Franklin Templeton debt fund issue was difficult for the unitholders of those funds, the alacrity and surgical precision with which SEBI handled that issue and ensured all investors get their money back was commendable.

We cannot control human behaviour but we have extremely robust system of checks and balances in regulation of our MF industry to safeguard investor interests at all costs even if some negative event occurs.

Seek help from a mutual fund distributor or an investment advisor for help, if required.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Relationship
Hi, I Am 26(M). I had an arranged marriage, my wife had a pre-marital affair which continued even after our engagement and for 9 months of marriage. According to my wife, she met him once and he wanted to have sex but my wife didn't do it. (The used to chat on Instagram). I found out today after 2 years of marriage. And we just had a baby. My wife asked me to use Instagram after we got engaged, but I refused because I was afraid it would have a bad effect on her. I don't even use it cause I know what can go wrong. When I caught her red-handed and saw the man's chats, I took her phone. And then I had read a little chat, then my wife came to me and said that she had to call our maid. I gave her the phone and she not only spoke on the phone but also deleted the chats with the guy. My eyes were closed when she spoke to maid on the phone. Cause I was so tired. Then I asked my wife to talk to him in front of me because I wanted to teach him a lesson and find his fiancée and tell her the truth. I'm very loyal to my wife. And she was my world. I've never had a girlfriend. I am open minded and I had asked my wife before the engagement, after the engagement on the phone and even after the marriage that if she had a past, I will accept it. My wife messaged him and he asked her talk on video call. The guy also knows that we have just had a baby who is not even 1 month old. I turned on the screen recording of the video call and gave it to my wife. In that screen recording, my wife texted the guy and told him to talk carefully cause I was sitting in front of her and then deleted the message with option of 'delete for you' on Instagram. This is how my wife cheated on me 2 times even after being caught. She told me that she loved me later on. And she took great care of me. She brought me out of depression. She did everything and I also loved her with all my heart and did everything for her. Right now she is saying I forgive her and she wants to live with me like before. She apologized a ton as well. But I don't know what to do at the moment. After so many lies, I can't trust her easily. She has a habit of lying in small things as well. I want to live with her, she was my support, my mother is not even there. when I was 12 years old... Now what do I do? Please kindly guide me!
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
Yes, you feel like your trust has been broken. Is it easy to build back that trust? Yes and No...Yes, if you wish to...No, if you don't wish to...
If you go back in time and play the same story about how you wife was on Instagram and how she 'cheated' on you, there is no way that you can put your marriage back together.
How are you open-minded when an Instagram account causes you to fear what will happen? I can understand that you are a person with no past girlfriends but people do come with a past. Now, your wife could have shared her past with you, but most women seem to not want to for fear of reaction from the men like you have now. I can see that all this has hurt you, but if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to drop all the past baggage, yours and your wife's and start afresh. Which means taking things for what it is NOW at face value without doubting it.
Can you do that? My suggestion would be: make an honest attempt at it. But warn yourself against going back in to the past otherwise there will be more mud throwing and no solution in sight.
Start new, Start afresh...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 28, 2024 | Answered on Dec 28, 2024
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Thanks You Very Much Ma'am For Your Answer. The Reason For Not Using Instagram Was Cause I Didn't Wanted To Look At Any Other Women Instead Of Her. My Intentions Were Pure. Also I Didn't wanted a thing which can spark of cheating so there will be no fire. I am open minded I told her I will accept it. Problem is that affair continued even after engagement and marriage (till 9 months of marriage) But today's condition is that i think she has lost interest. We have tradition inwhich wife goes to their home and stay for 2-3 months. Her mother has been so influential from beginning so am telling her to comeback. She is not ready to comeback even when I am sick. I told her to come back for at least 4-5 days so we can talk. I am afraid she will mindwash her. And I can see that. I have given the best possible time yet she is complaining that I don't give time. When I told her to come back she overeated that she will never go there and that. She wasn't like this. She was with me in my everything. I am so confused. I have forgiven & forgotten everything about the past still... What do you suggest ma'am???
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
I have already made my suggestions in the initial response. Start afresh and wipe the slate clean. Rebuilding trust cannot happen overnight, so give the marriage a fair GO.
What you have shared again are problems and when you stay in that Zone, you will only be able to focus on problems. When there is an intention to solve the issue, the prerequisite is to move away from all the things that have gone wrong/bad and all the things that you think will go wrong/bad. That's the only way to solve problems. So my suggestions are still the same.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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