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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 16, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 15, 2024Hindi
Money

Hi Ramalingam Sir, I was forced by HDFC bank person to open HDFC life sampoorn nivesh plan for locker facility in may 2024. I am realising i made a bis mistake now. Could you please advise me whst to now?

Ans: First, it’s great that you’re reassessing your financial decisions. Realising a mistake early can save you from long-term financial issues. HDFC Life Sampoorn Nivesh is an insurance-cum-investment plan, which may not align with everyone’s financial goals. Let's explore the steps you can take now to address this situation.

Evaluating the HDFC Life Sampoorn Nivesh Plan
The first step is to understand what you’ve signed up for:

Nature of the Plan: This plan is a combination of insurance and investment. While it offers life cover, the investment returns are usually lower compared to other pure investment options.

Charges and Fees: Insurance-cum-investment plans often have higher charges. These include premium allocation charges, policy administration charges, and fund management charges. These charges can eat into your returns, reducing the overall growth of your investment.

Lock-in Period: Most such plans have a lock-in period, usually five years. During this time, surrendering the policy can result in significant losses, as surrender charges are high, and the amount you receive may be less than what you’ve paid.

Investment Returns: The returns on such plans are generally modest. The money invested in the fund options provided may not grow as much as other investment avenues like mutual funds or direct equity.

Assessing Your Financial Goals
Now that you understand the plan, align it with your financial goals:

Insurance Needs: Do you need life insurance? If yes, a term insurance plan would provide better coverage at a lower cost. Evaluate if the life cover provided by this plan is sufficient for your needs.

Investment Goals: If your primary goal is investment, then consider other options. Mutual funds, especially actively managed ones, can offer better returns over time. They also provide the flexibility to invest according to your risk profile.

Lock-in Concerns: The lock-in period restricts your ability to access your money. Consider if you can afford to keep this investment locked in or if you need liquidity.

Surrendering the Policy
If you decide that this plan doesn’t suit your needs, here’s what you can do:

Surrender Charges: Be aware of the surrender charges. If you surrender within the first few years, these charges can be significant. The surrender value might be less than the premiums paid.

Free-Look Period: If you’re still within the free-look period (usually 15-30 days from receiving the policy document), you can cancel the policy without penalties. You’ll receive a refund of the premium after deducting administrative charges.

Paid-Up Option: If you’re past the free-look period but still want to exit, you can consider making the policy paid-up. This means you stop paying further premiums, and the policy continues with reduced benefits until maturity.

Complete Surrender: If you choose to surrender, you’ll receive the surrender value after deducting charges. Evaluate this against your financial needs and alternative investment options.

Reinvesting the Proceeds
If you choose to surrender or make the policy paid-up, think about how to reinvest the money:

Mutual Funds: Actively managed mutual funds offer potentially higher returns and flexibility. They are also more transparent, with lower charges compared to insurance-cum-investment plans. A Certified Financial Planner can guide you in selecting funds that match your risk tolerance and goals.

Public Provident Fund (PPF): If you’re looking for a safe, long-term investment with tax benefits, PPF is a good option. It offers guaranteed returns and is backed by the government.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs): Investing in SIPs ensures disciplined savings. It also helps you take advantage of market fluctuations by averaging the purchase cost over time.

Emergency Fund: Consider setting aside some of the proceeds in an emergency fund. This will ensure you have liquidity in case of unexpected expenses.

Taking Action Against Mis-selling
If you were coerced into buying this policy, you can take steps to address the issue:

Contact the Bank: First, approach HDFC Bank and explain your situation. They may offer a solution, especially if you were misled during the sale.

Complaint to the Insurer: If the bank doesn’t resolve your issue, file a complaint directly with HDFC Life. They have a grievance redressal mechanism in place.

Approach IRDAI: If you’re not satisfied with the response from the insurer, you can escalate the matter to the Insurance Regulatory and Development Authority of India (IRDAI). They can investigate and take action if there was any malpractice involved.

Consumer Forum: As a last resort, you can approach the consumer forum. This may take time, but it’s an option if all other avenues fail.

Protecting Yourself in the Future
To avoid similar situations in the future, consider the following:

Do Your Research: Before buying any financial product, take time to research. Understand the product, its benefits, and its drawbacks. Don’t rush into decisions based on sales pressure.

Seek Professional Advice: Consult a Certified Financial Planner before making any significant financial decisions. They can provide unbiased advice tailored to your needs.

Understand Your Rights: Know your rights as a consumer. You have the right to information, the right to choose, and the right to redressal if you’re sold a product under false pretenses.

Be Wary of Cross-Selling: Banks often cross-sell insurance and investment products. Be cautious when a bank tries to push a product that you didn’t ask for. Remember, you’re not obligated to buy any financial product to avail of a service like a locker facility.

Finally
You’ve taken the first step by recognising that the HDFC Life Sampoorn Nivesh plan may not be the right fit for you. Now, it’s about taking informed actions. Whether you choose to surrender the policy, make it paid-up, or keep it active, ensure that the decision aligns with your financial goals. Consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner for personalised advice. Your financial well-being is important, and making the right decisions now will benefit you in the long run.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
Asked on - Aug 19, 2024 | Answered on Aug 20, 2024
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Thank you so much sir for explaining about all the options. I will go with paid-up option.
Ans: You're welcome! If you have any more questions or need further assistance, feel free to ask. Best wishes on your financial journey!

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 26, 2024

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Dear Ulhasji, I have a HDFC SL youngstar super policy since 2010 and I have been paying Rs 25000 annually. Is it OK to continue or can you suggest a better option? Please suggest few names
Ans: It’s great that you’ve been consistent with your HDFC SL Youngstar Super policy since 2010. Maintaining regular investments shows financial discipline. However, it’s wise to periodically review your investments to ensure they align with your goals.

Let’s analyse the policy and explore other potential options.

Understanding Your Current Policy
HDFC SL Youngstar Super policy is a unit-linked insurance plan (ULIP). It provides a mix of insurance and investment. While you’ve been paying Rs 25,000 annually, part of this premium goes towards life cover and the rest is invested.

ULIPs come with benefits like tax savings and potential market-linked returns. However, they also have certain charges like premium allocation, fund management, and mortality charges. These can impact your overall returns.

Evaluating ULIPs
ULIPs are good for disciplined savings with insurance cover. They offer flexibility in switching between funds based on market conditions. The lock-in period encourages long-term investing.

However, ULIPs can be complex and expensive due to various charges. The returns might not always meet expectations after accounting for these costs. It’s essential to understand these aspects before deciding to continue with the policy.

Alternative Investment Options
Exploring other investment avenues might be beneficial. Here are a few options to consider:

Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are a popular investment option. They offer a variety of schemes tailored to different risk appetites and investment goals. They are managed by professional fund managers, aiming to provide good returns.

Mutual funds come with advantages like liquidity, diversification, and potential for high returns. They have different categories like equity, debt, and hybrid funds, catering to various investor needs.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
PPF is a government-backed savings scheme, known for its safety and attractive interest rates. It is ideal for long-term investment, offering tax benefits under Section 80C. The interest earned is also tax-free.

PPF has a lock-in period of 15 years, encouraging long-term savings. It’s a risk-free investment, suitable for conservative investors seeking steady returns.

National Pension System (NPS)
NPS is designed for retirement savings. It offers the advantage of market-linked returns with professional fund management. It also provides additional tax benefits under Section 80CCD.

NPS allows for partial withdrawal after a certain period for specific purposes like education or buying a house. It is suitable for those looking to build a retirement corpus.

Equity-Linked Savings Scheme (ELSS)
ELSS is a type of mutual fund that offers tax benefits under Section 80C. It invests primarily in equities, providing the potential for high returns. ELSS has a lock-in period of three years, one of the shortest among tax-saving options.

ELSS is suitable for investors with a higher risk appetite, looking to save on taxes while investing in equities.

Pros and Cons of Your Current Policy
Pros
Combines insurance and investment.
Offers flexibility in fund switching.
Provides tax benefits under Section 80C.
Cons
High charges can reduce returns.
Complexity in understanding the product.
Returns might not always meet expectations.
Assessing Your Financial Goals
Reassess your financial goals to decide whether to continue with the policy. Consider your risk appetite, investment horizon, and financial objectives.

If you seek simpler, more cost-effective investment options, alternatives like mutual funds or PPF might be suitable.

Conclusion
It’s commendable that you have maintained your HDFC SL Youngstar Super policy. Reviewing your investment periodically ensures it aligns with your goals. Consider other options based on your risk profile and financial objectives.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 03, 2024

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Money
Hi. I was forced by HDFC bank to open HDFC life sampoorn nivesh plan by investing annually 25,000. I was reluctant but they told if I need locker facility, I have to invest in Hdfc Life sampoorn nivesh. They told me that only 1400 will be deducted as various chargers, but after receiving online document, around Rs 3000 is deducted and there is lock in period of 5 years. I want to know if Hdfc life sampoorn nivesh is good choice. I do not aim for a big return from this, but at least equivalent to bank fixed deposit is okay for me. Should I continue or withdraw as there is 30-days cooling period for withdrawal. Kindly suggest.
Ans: Evaluating HDFC Life Sampoorn Nivesh Plan
You’ve been pressured into opening the HDFC Life Sampoorn Nivesh plan by HDFC Bank to secure locker facilities. You’re concerned about the charges and the lock-in period. Let’s assess this plan and determine if it aligns with your financial goals.

Understanding HDFC Life Sampoorn Nivesh Plan
The HDFC Life Sampoorn Nivesh plan is a Unit Linked Insurance Plan (ULIP) that combines investment and insurance. It offers multiple fund options for investment and various insurance benefits. However, it's essential to understand the costs and benefits before committing.

Charges and Fees
You were informed that only Rs 1,400 would be deducted as various charges, but you discovered Rs 3,000 deducted instead. This discrepancy raises concerns about transparency and the true cost of the plan. ULIPs generally have several charges including:

Premium Allocation Charge: Deducted upfront from your premium.
Policy Administration Charge: Regular deductions for managing the policy.
Fund Management Charge: A percentage of the fund value deducted regularly.
Mortality Charge: Deducted for providing life cover.
These charges can significantly reduce your investment returns, especially in the initial years.

Lock-in Period
The plan has a five-year lock-in period. During this period, you cannot withdraw your money, and if you do, it comes with significant penalties. This lack of liquidity can be a drawback if you need access to your funds for emergencies or better investment opportunities.

Investment Returns
You mentioned that you do not aim for big returns, but at least equivalent to a bank fixed deposit (FD) is acceptable. ULIPs, including the HDFC Life Sampoorn Nivesh, typically invest in market-linked instruments. The returns are subject to market risks and are not guaranteed. While FDs offer fixed, predictable returns, ULIPs can be volatile and may not always match FD returns, especially after accounting for various charges.

Comparison with Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are an alternative that offers flexibility, lower costs, and potentially higher returns. Unlike ULIPs, mutual funds do not combine insurance and investment, which means you can choose separate insurance and investment products tailored to your needs.

Lower Costs: Mutual funds have lower expense ratios compared to the combined charges of ULIPs.
Liquidity: Mutual funds offer better liquidity. You can redeem your investments without significant penalties.
Transparency: Mutual funds provide clear information about costs and returns.
Cooling-Off Period
The cooling-off period (or free-look period) allows you to review the policy and cancel it without significant penalties. You can use this period to reconsider your decision. If you find the plan unsuitable, you can surrender it and explore better investment options.

Recommendations
Given the high charges, lock-in period, and potential for lower-than-expected returns, HDFC Life Sampoorn Nivesh may not be the best choice if you’re looking for returns equivalent to bank FDs. Here’s what you can do:

Surrender During Free-Look Period: Use the 30-day cooling-off period to cancel the policy without significant penalties. This allows you to recover most of your invested amount.

Reinvest in Mutual Funds: Consider investing the recovered amount in mutual funds. Opt for a mix of equity and debt funds based on your risk tolerance and financial goals. Mutual funds provide better flexibility, transparency, and potential for higher returns.

Separate Insurance and Investment: Purchase a term insurance plan for adequate life cover. Term plans are cost-effective and offer substantial coverage. Use the remaining funds for investments in mutual funds to achieve your financial goals.

Conclusion
While the HDFC Life Sampoorn Nivesh plan combines insurance and investment, it may not align with your expectations due to high charges and market-linked returns. Utilizing the free-look period to cancel the policy and opting for mutual funds can provide better financial growth and flexibility.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 11, 2024

Money
Sir, I am 44 year old and want to retire after 15 years with 20 cr. value in current investing 1.55L in MF SIP in these fund ADITYA BIRLA SUN LIFE PSU EQUITY FUND - DIRECT PLAN 5000 AXIS BLUECHIP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 0 AXIS MIDCAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 0 AXIS SMALL CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 4000 CANARA ROBECO BLUECHIP EQUITY FUND - DIRECT PLAN 12000 HDFC MULTI CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 3000 ICICI PRUDENTIAL BHARAT 22 FOF - DIRECT PLAN 5000 ICICI PRUDENTIAL NIFTY NEXT 50 INDEX FUND - DIRECT PLAN 3000 KOTAK MULTICAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 4000 MIRAE ASSET LARGE CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 4000 MOTILAL OSWAL MIDCAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 6000 MOTILAL OSWAL NIFTY INDIA DEFENCE INDEX FUND - DIRECT PLAN 10000 NIPPON INDIA LARGE CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 10000 NIPPON INDIA MULTI CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 4000 NIPPON INDIA SMALL CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 5000 PARAG PARIKH FLEXI CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 6000 PGIM INDIA FLEXI CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 6000 PGIM INDIA MIDCAP OPPORTUNITIES FUND - DIRECT PLAN 4000 QUANT ELSS TAX SAVER FUND - DIRECT PLAN 12500 QUANT INFRASTRUCTURE FUND - DIRECT PLAN 7000 QUANT LARGE AND MID CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 6000 QUANT MID CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 12000 QUANT SMALL CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 7000 SBI CONTRA FUND - DIRECT PLAN 8000 TATA SMALL CAP FUND - DIRECT PLAN 6000 ZERODHA NIFTY LARGEMIDCAP 250 INDEX FUND - DIRECT PLAN 2500 I feel that i am investing in too much fund . Kindly look my above portfolio and suggest to addition and change from these schemes to achieve the mentioned retirement target of 20 Cr. MF. Portfolio after 15 years.
Ans: Assessing Your Current Investment Portfolio
You've established a clear financial goal: accumulating Rs 20 crore by the time you retire in 15 years. To achieve this, you're currently investing Rs 1.55 lakh per month through SIPs in mutual funds. This commitment shows you're serious about your future and willing to take the necessary steps to secure it. However, the number of funds in your portfolio suggests you may be spreading your investments too thin, which could hinder your progress.

Understanding Over-Diversification
Diversification is a cornerstone of investing. It reduces risk by spreading investments across various assets or funds. However, over-diversification occurs when too many investments are made in similar funds or asset classes. This dilutes potential returns and complicates portfolio management. Your portfolio consists of 27 different funds, which is excessive.

The Dangers of Over-Diversification
Fund Overlap: Many funds in your portfolio likely invest in the same or similar stocks, leading to unnecessary redundancy. This doesn’t enhance diversification but rather makes it harder for you to see significant returns.

Management Complexity: With 27 funds, it’s challenging to track each one’s performance. This complexity makes it difficult to make timely adjustments to your portfolio, which is crucial for achieving your long-term goals.

Diluted Returns: When you invest in too many funds, the performance of your best-performing funds gets diluted by the average or poor performance of others. This can drag down your overall returns.

The Need for Streamlining Your Portfolio
To achieve your goal of Rs 20 crore in 15 years, it’s essential to streamline your portfolio. A focused approach will allow you to benefit from the growth potential of carefully selected funds without the drawbacks of over-diversification.

1. Large-Cap Funds: Foundation of Stability and Growth
Current Allocation: You have several large-cap funds in your portfolio, which are known for their stability and lower volatility compared to mid-cap and small-cap funds. However, holding multiple large-cap funds is unnecessary as they often invest in the same blue-chip companies.

Recommended Action: Consolidate your large-cap investments into one or two well-performing funds. This will simplify your portfolio and ensure that your investments are concentrated in the best opportunities within the large-cap space.

Suggested Allocation: Ideally, 25-30% of your portfolio should be allocated to large-cap funds. This allocation provides stability and consistent growth potential, crucial for someone planning retirement in 15 years.

2. Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Funds: Growth Drivers
Current Allocation: Mid-cap and small-cap funds are essential for achieving high growth. However, these funds come with higher risk and volatility. Your portfolio includes multiple mid-cap and small-cap funds, which may lead to overlapping investments.

Recommended Action: Narrow down your mid-cap and small-cap funds to one or two top performers in each category. Focus on funds that have a consistent track record of outperforming their benchmarks.

Suggested Allocation: Allocate 30-40% of your portfolio to a mix of mid-cap and small-cap funds. This will provide the growth potential needed to reach your Rs 20 crore goal while managing the risk associated with these funds.

3. Multi-Cap and Flexi-Cap Funds: Balanced Growth with Flexibility
Current Allocation: Multi-cap and flexi-cap funds offer flexibility by investing across different market capitalizations. Your portfolio has several of these funds, which is a good strategy for diversification. However, having too many can dilute their benefits.

Recommended Action: Consolidate your multi-cap and flexi-cap funds into one or two that have demonstrated consistent performance. These funds should have the ability to adjust their portfolio allocation based on market conditions.

Suggested Allocation: 20-25% of your portfolio should be in multi-cap or flexi-cap funds. This provides a balance between stability and growth, essential for long-term wealth accumulation.

4. Sectoral and Thematic Funds: Tactical Bets for Enhanced Returns
Current Allocation: You’ve invested in sectoral funds like Quant Infrastructure Fund and Motilal Oswal Nifty India Defence Index Fund. These funds can offer high returns but come with increased risk due to their concentrated exposure to specific sectors.

Recommended Action: Limit your exposure to sectoral and thematic funds. These should represent a small portion of your portfolio, used for tactical bets rather than core holdings. Choose sectors you believe will outperform in the long term, but be mindful of the higher volatility.

Suggested Allocation: Restrict sectoral and thematic funds to 5-10% of your portfolio. This ensures that while you can benefit from sectoral growth, the overall portfolio remains stable and diversified.

5. Index Funds: A Reconsideration of Their Role
Current Allocation: Your portfolio includes index funds like Zerodha Nifty LargeMidcap 250 Index Fund and ICICI Prudential Nifty Next 50 Index Fund. While index funds have low expense ratios and provide broad market exposure, they may not always be the best choice, especially when aiming for high growth.

Disadvantages of Index Funds:

Lack of Active Management: Index funds merely replicate the market and do not exploit market inefficiencies. Active fund managers, on the other hand, can outperform the market by selecting stocks based on research and analysis.
Underperformance in Volatile Markets: During market downturns or periods of high volatility, index funds may not protect your capital as well as actively managed funds, which can adjust their portfolios to minimize losses.
Recommended Action: Consider reducing or eliminating your index fund exposure. Instead, focus on actively managed funds that have a track record of outperforming their benchmarks.

Suggested Allocation: If you choose to retain any index funds, limit them to no more than 5% of your portfolio. The majority of your investments should be in actively managed funds with the potential for higher returns.

Building an Ideal Portfolio for Your Retirement Goal
To achieve your Rs 20 crore target in 15 years, it’s essential to build a portfolio that is both diversified and focused. Here’s a suggested portfolio structure that aligns with your risk profile, time horizon, and return expectations:

1. Large-Cap Funds (25-30% of Portfolio):
Retain 1-2 high-performing large-cap funds. These funds should have a history of consistent returns and lower volatility.
Why Large-Cap Funds? They provide stability and steady growth, essential as you approach retirement. Large-cap funds invest in established companies with strong track records, making them a safer bet.
2. Mid-Cap Funds (20-25% of Portfolio):
Retain 1-2 mid-cap funds that have shown resilience and consistent growth over the years.
Why Mid-Cap Funds? Mid-cap funds offer a good balance between risk and return. They invest in companies with the potential to become large-caps in the future, providing higher growth opportunities.
3. Small-Cap Funds (15-20% of Portfolio):
Retain 1-2 small-cap funds that have consistently outperformed their benchmarks.
Why Small-Cap Funds? Small-cap funds are riskier but can deliver significant returns over the long term. They are suitable for the growth portion of your portfolio, especially given your 15-year time horizon.
4. Flexi-Cap Funds (20-25% of Portfolio):
Retain 1-2 flexi-cap funds with a strong performance history. These funds should have the flexibility to invest across market capitalizations.
Why Flexi-Cap Funds? Flexi-cap funds provide a balanced approach to investing, with the flexibility to adjust to market conditions. This makes them a valuable part of your portfolio.
5. Sectoral/Thematic Funds (5-10% of Portfolio):
Retain only 1-2 sectoral funds that align with your long-term views.
Why Sectoral Funds? Sectoral funds can provide high returns, but they come with higher risk. By limiting exposure, you can benefit from sectoral growth without exposing your portfolio to excessive risk.
6. Index Funds (Up to 5% of Portfolio):
If you wish to retain any index funds, limit them to a small portion of your portfolio.
Why Limit Index Funds? Index funds offer market returns but lack the ability to outperform. Given your aggressive growth target, actively managed funds may serve you better.
Final Insights
Your goal of accumulating Rs 20 crore by retirement is ambitious but achievable with the right strategy. By consolidating and focusing your investments, you can maximize returns while managing risk effectively. Here’s a summary of the steps you should take:

Consolidate large-cap funds: Merge similar funds to avoid redundancy and simplify management.
Focus on mid-cap and small-cap funds: Select the top performers in each category to drive growth.
Streamline multi-cap/flexi-cap funds: Keep the best performers and ensure they have the flexibility to adapt to market changes.
Limit sectoral funds: Use them for tactical investments but keep their exposure low to manage risk.
Reduce index fund exposure: Consider actively managed funds for their potential to outperform, especially in volatile markets.
By implementing these changes, you’ll not only simplify your portfolio but also enhance its performance potential. This streamlined approach will help you stay on track to achieve your retirement goal of Rs 20 crore in 15 years.

Investing is a long-term commitment, and regular reviews of your portfolio are essential to ensure it remains aligned with your goals. As you get closer to retirement, consider gradually shifting your portfolio towards more stable investments to protect your capital. However, for now, an aggressive yet focused strategy is key to reaching your ambitious financial goal.

Remember, every investment decision should be made with a clear understanding of your risk tolerance, time horizon, and financial objectives. By staying disciplined and focused, you can build the wealth you need to enjoy a comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu ji, I am 42 yr old single parent. I have a 10 yr old son living with me. My wife and I were separated when our son was 3 yr old and we recently settled our divorce. Immediately after our divorce, my ex-wife got re-married. Her husband isn’t willing to take my son in and hence she handed over his legal custody to me. She has moved on with her life and my son doesn’t feature in her list of priorities. I am more than happy to have him. During the last 7 years of separation, she did not allow me or my parents to meet my son, so we could not build a strong bond together. Now, it has been 6 months since my son has moved in with me. Its only me and him living together ATM. My parents stay in our ancestral village and are unable to stay with me. Though its challenging for both of us to discover and understand each other, it must be tougher for my son. He understands the fact that his parents aren’t together and hence he has to stay with either of us at a time. Sometimes, he does get emotional about this situation not being normal compared to his friends / cartoons / movies etc. He also misses his mother and often keeps quoting that “My mother does it this way...”, “Me and my mum used to do this / that” etc etc and I appreciate that. I am fine with him talking to his mother through WhatsApp and meeting her whenever they wish to. He is also close to his other maternal family members, and I do not have any issues with him maintaining that bond. Now the challenge is, my ex-wife and her family abuses and shoos me away every time I try to ask them about my son such as his eating habits, likes, dislikes, vacation plans etc etc. They also bad mouth me whenever they speak to my son. That poor little soul gets influenced and feels that its punishment for him to live with me. And I feel betrayed as I too have made sacrifices / adjustments in my career, relationships etc to be able to take care of my son. I feel like stopping his communication with his mum and maternal family, but worried if that would adversely affect him. Now I have also started to get angry whenever he speaks to his mum or maternal family and try not to vent out at him, but I sometimes I do. Please guide me to navigate this delicate situation and what should I look forward to in my life.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, stop going back to your ex-wife for things that concern your son.
You have taken the responsibility of raising him, then you can surely figure out his likes and dislikes over time. Spend time bonding with him and be very patient with the outcome. Overnight, you son isn't going to love and fuss over you. So, keep raising him with a lot of love and a very supportive environment. At times, you will see him angry or stubborn bringing reference to the way his mother raised him; that is not the time to be angry but to hear him out and actually agree with him. He is a child, why are you being one? Surely, you understand that this is a very confusing and challenging time for him...why not spend time finding ways to bond rather than get angry when he speaks to his mother? That is their unique relationship; don't stand in the way as your son as he grows older will hold you responsible for keeping him away from her.
Focus on building a connection with him...and if for some reason things get distressing and even more challenging, please take the help of a professional to help the family tide over this phase...
In the meantime, let your focus be on your son, his needs, his joys and sorrows and more...let his know and feel that you as a father will protect him and be there for him at all times...that will change a lot of things for him...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2024
Relationship
Hi I'm 26 and my wife also same age, my wife is not interested in sex past 1 year. I tried to talk too many times for knowing what's the reason and the real issue and tried to speak tell what main issue she is facing and also tried to talk with her sister and parents and tell the situation we are facing. But she not interested to tell anybody , so i tried her phone and all details related to my help but noting in my hand. So after a 1 year i helpless so I asked directly to her can I go outside sex with any another women she not agreed so I complained the same tell me why are you not interested with me in sex . Not respond And once day I talked again can I go to sex with another women she cried in front of my family members Please help me for this situation
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Is this like a meal? Where you can't have food at home and so you can go outside and have it?
Please use your wise mind and when there is a problem, instead of running away, as a grown man act maturely and try to solve that problem.
So, if your wife is uninterested in sex, what's the point going all over town and sharing that with everyone. What will they do? Isn't marriage about taking care of each other? So, do just that. Clearly, your wife has some kind of a mind block when it comes to sex and sexual intimacy. Please help her instead of seeking sex outside...
First to a good gynecologist who may then refer her to a specialist who can help her if she carries any mind blacks. She needs help from you; so be with her...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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