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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 04, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Leela Question by Leela on May 04, 2024Hindi
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I want to invest in mutual funds. I am 28 and currently ready to invest 30k/month in mfunds. My plan Icici nasdaq index fund - 4000/month sip. Ñippon power and infra fund- 6000/month Hdfc retirement savings fund-5000/month Quant small cap-5000/month Quant mid cap-5000/month Dsp nifty 50 eyal weight- 5000/month. I Classify as high risk invester (will not touch in next 10years).. is it distributed well enough. Would like to know any rebalancing suggestion..

Ans: You're on the right track with your investment plan! As a Certified Financial Planner, your allocation seems well-diversified. However, ensure you regularly review your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation.

Given your high-risk appetite and long investment horizon, your choices align well. Rebalancing annually or semi-annually can help keep your portfolio in line with your goals and risk tolerance. Consider adjusting allocations based on market performance and changes in your financial situation.

Remember, patience is key in investing, especially with a long-term perspective like yours. Stay focused on your goals and avoid reacting to short-term market fluctuations. Keep up the good work, and your disciplined approach will likely yield fruitful results over time!
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 09, 2024

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I want to invest in mutual funds. I am 28 and currently ready to invest 30k/month in mfunds. My plan Icici nasdaq index fund - 4000/month sip. Ñippon power and infra fund- 6000/month Hdfc retirement savings fund-5000/month Quant small cap-5000/month Quant mid cap-5000/month Dsp nifty 50 eyal weight- 5000/month. I Classify as high risk invester (will not touch in next 10years).. is it distributed will enough. Would like to know any rebalancing suggestion..
Ans: It's great to see your enthusiasm for investing at such a young age! Your selection of mutual funds reflects a high-risk appetite, which aligns with your long-term investment horizon of 10 years.

Diversification is essential in managing risk, and your portfolio covers various segments including international exposure, power & infrastructure, retirement savings, and small & mid-cap funds. This diversity can help mitigate the impact of volatility in any single sector or market segment.

As a high-risk investor with a long-term perspective, your portfolio appears well-distributed across different asset classes and market segments. However, it's crucial to periodically review your portfolio's performance and make necessary adjustments to maintain alignment with your investment goals and risk tolerance.

Rebalancing your portfolio involves periodically realigning your asset allocation to ensure it remains in line with your risk profile and investment objectives. Given your high-risk tolerance and long investment horizon, you may consider rebalancing annually or semi-annually to maintain the desired asset allocation.

During the rebalancing process, assess the performance of each fund relative to its peers and benchmarks. If any fund significantly deviates from your expectations or exhibits underperformance, consider reallocating funds to more promising opportunities within your portfolio.

Additionally, keep an eye on changes in market conditions, economic outlook, and regulatory developments that may impact your investment strategy. Staying informed and adaptable is key to navigating the dynamic landscape of financial markets effectively.

Remember, while high-risk investments have the potential for higher returns, they also come with increased volatility and uncertainty. Stay focused on your long-term goals, and avoid making impulsive decisions based on short-term market fluctuations.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |941 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 29, 2024

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Hi Milind I am 46 years old and living in Germany, I am planning to start investing in MFs from this month onwards. My question to you is that how to distribute 100k INR per month? Should i go for 10k INR per fund per month? Or 10 funds are too much diversification? These are the funds suggested by my Advisor 1 ICICI PRUDENTIAL LARGE AND MID CAP FUND - GROWTH 2 Nippon India Multi Cap Fund - Growth Plan 3 HDFC Banking and Financial Services Fund - Regular Growth 4 AXIS Mid Cap Fund - Regular Growth Plan 5 ICICI Prudential Nifty Next 50 Index Fund - Growth 6 ICICI Prudential Multi Asset Fund - Growth 7 ICICI Prudential Manufacturing Fund Regular Plan Growth 8 Kotak Flexi Cup Fund - Growth 9 Nippon India Growth Fund - Growth Plan 10 Nippon India Small Cap Fund - Growth What is your take on both questions? Please let me know Rajesh
Ans: Hello;

I am presuming that this investment is from long term perspective of 10 years+ horizon and you are comfortable with high risk exposure.

Equal weight allocation to 10 funds is avoidable.

I propose to you 5 funds with the proportionate allocation as given:

1. PPFAS flexicap fund: 25%

2. Mirae Asset Large and Midcap fund: 25%

3. Nippon India Small cap fund: 20%

4. HDFC balanced advantage fund: 15%

5. ICICI Pru Multi asset allocation fund: 15%

Funds have been recommended based on their long term returns in their respective category.

Happy Investing!!

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 28, 2024

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Sir i am investing in follwing manner in mutual funds please suggest me in this regard 1 ICICI blue chip direct growth for Rs 1000 2 ICICI nifty fifty index fund for RS 1000 3 Nippon india multy cap for Rs 1000 4 Nippon india small cap for Rs 1000 5 Quant small cap for RS 1000 6 motilal oswal mid cap for Rs 1000 7 hdfc oppurtunities mid cap for Rs1000 8 quant mid cap for Rs 1000 9 parag parik flexi cap for Rs2000 10 hdfc flexi cap for Rs 2000 11 JM flexi cap for rs 2000 12 Quant flexi cap for Rs 2000 My invsestment horizon s Is 10 to 12 years , Please suggest any rebalancing is required
Ans: You've built a diversified mutual fund portfolio across multiple categories and fund houses, which is commendable. Let’s review this structure to ensure it aligns with your goals and maximises growth potential for your 10-12 year horizon.

In the following suggestions, I’ll focus on streamlining your portfolio for balanced growth, minimising overlap, and optimising returns.

Review of Current Portfolio Structure
Your portfolio spans several categories, including large-cap, index, mid-cap, small-cap, and flexi-cap funds. While this diversification reduces risk, it may also lead to redundancy and portfolio overlap. Let’s evaluate each category:

Large-Cap: Provides stability and moderate growth.

Mid-Cap and Small-Cap: Offers higher growth potential but comes with more volatility.

Flexi-Cap: Adds flexibility, allowing fund managers to adjust holdings based on market conditions.

Index Fund: Index funds often carry lower costs but may underperform actively managed funds over time.

Analysis of Each Fund Category and Suggested Adjustments
1. Large-Cap Funds
Current Investment: Rs 1,000 in ICICI Bluechip Fund (Direct Growth).

Assessment: A large-cap fund adds stability to the portfolio, which is beneficial.

Suggested Action: Continue with this allocation, as large-cap funds provide balanced growth and less volatility.

2. Index Fund
Current Investment: Rs 1,000 in ICICI Nifty Fifty Index Fund.

Assessment: Index funds may offer stable returns but lack active fund management benefits. Actively managed funds typically outperform index funds in the long run, especially for a 10-12 year horizon.

Suggested Action: Consider switching this allocation to an actively managed large-cap or flexi-cap fund. Actively managed funds provide potential for enhanced returns with the support of skilled fund managers.

3. Mid-Cap Funds
Current Investment: Rs 3,000 (split across Motilal Oswal Mid Cap, HDFC Opportunities Mid Cap, and Quant Mid Cap).

Assessment: While mid-cap funds offer growth, holding three funds within the same category may create overlap. Mid-cap funds can be volatile but generally perform well in the long term.

Suggested Action: Consider consolidating to two funds within this category. Reducing overlap allows for easier tracking and reduces redundant exposure. Continue with HDFC Opportunities and one other mid-cap fund of your choice.

4. Small-Cap Funds
Current Investment: Rs 2,000 (Rs 1,000 each in Nippon India Small Cap and Quant Small Cap).

Assessment: Small-cap funds have high growth potential but also high risk. Limiting to one small-cap fund can manage risk more effectively, especially as the portfolio already has mid-cap exposure.

Suggested Action: Consolidate to one small-cap fund. Select the fund that has consistently performed well and aligns with your risk tolerance.

5. Flexi-Cap Funds
Current Investment: Rs 8,000 (allocated across Parag Parikh Flexi Cap, HDFC Flexi Cap, JM Flexi Cap, and Quant Flexi Cap).

Assessment: Flexi-cap funds are a good choice for your investment horizon, as they allow fund managers to adjust between large-, mid-, and small-cap stocks. However, having four funds in this category may lead to redundancy.

Suggested Action: Narrow down to two or three flexi-cap funds. This streamlines your portfolio and reduces tracking complexity.

Recommended Portfolio Structure for a Balanced, Growth-Oriented Approach
After the above adjustments, here’s a suggested rebalancing strategy:

Large-Cap Funds: Maintain your allocation in ICICI Bluechip. Large-cap stability is crucial for a well-rounded portfolio.

Flexi-Cap Funds: Retain Parag Parikh Flexi Cap and one or two others of your choice. Flexi-caps should form a significant portion, as they offer the flexibility to adjust across market caps.

Mid-Cap Funds: Retain two mid-cap funds for growth potential. HDFC Opportunities Mid Cap and one other mid-cap fund should be sufficient.

Small-Cap Funds: Retain one small-cap fund for high growth potential. Select the one that best suits your risk tolerance.

Benefits of This Streamlined Approach
A simplified portfolio offers multiple benefits for long-term wealth creation:

Reduced Overlap: Minimising fund overlap reduces redundant exposure within the same asset class. This makes your portfolio more efficient.

Enhanced Returns: Actively managed funds in flexi-cap and large-cap categories are likely to yield better returns over time than index funds.

Easier Management: Fewer funds mean easier tracking and management. A simplified portfolio enables regular reviews without added complexity.

Taxation Awareness for Mutual Funds
Understanding taxation helps in planning withdrawals and tax savings effectively.

Equity Mutual Funds: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) over Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt Mutual Funds: Both LTCG and STCG are taxed as per your income tax slab, which can impact post-tax returns.

Tax-Efficient Withdrawals: Plan withdrawals strategically to minimise taxes and maximise returns. A Certified Financial Planner can guide on the tax-efficient withdrawal approach.

Final Insights
Your diversified portfolio shows a good approach towards growth. With a few adjustments, it can become more streamlined and focused on high returns. Aim for a balance of stability and growth with carefully chosen large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds.

A well-maintained portfolio with annual reviews, consolidation, and tax-aware strategies will bring you closer to achieving your financial goals.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 30, 2025

Money
Hello sir, I am aged 38 and like to invest in mutual fund for first time. My horizon is minimum 15years for wealth creation.Kindly review my choices for 35k monthly allocation. 1. Gold mf 3000 2. Hdfc balanced advantage fund - 5000 3. Icici pru equity and debt fund - 5000 4. Parag parikh flexi cap fund - 5000 5. Hdfc flexi cap fund - 5000 6. Hdfc midcap opportunities - 3000 7. Kotak emerging midcap equity - 3000 8. Icici nifty IT index fund - 4000 9. Kotak nasdaq 100 fof - 2000 Please let me know if o need to add any fund or change the allocation of amount among these funds for moderate risk profile. Also i want to invest 20-25 lakh lumpsum as STP. On which fund above and how much shall i invest lumpsum.
Ans: You are 38 years old and investing in mutual funds for the first time.

Your investment horizon is at least 15 years, which is good for wealth creation.

You plan to invest Rs. 35,000 per month through SIP.

You also want to invest Rs. 20-25 lakhs as a lump sum through Systematic Transfer Plan (STP).

Your risk profile is moderate, meaning you want a balance of growth and stability.

Reviewing Your Current Fund Selection
1. Gold Fund (Rs. 3,000 per month)
Gold is not a long-term wealth creator like equity.

It offers hedging against inflation, but returns are not consistent.

A small allocation is fine, but 10% of your SIP is too high.

Reduce to Rs. 1,500 per month and use the extra Rs. 1,500 in equity.

2. Balanced Advantage Fund (Rs. 5,000 per month)
These funds dynamically shift between equity and debt.

They reduce volatility but may not maximise returns over 15 years.

Keeping it is fine, but Rs. 3,000 per month is enough.

3. Equity & Debt Hybrid Fund (Rs. 5,000 per month)
This fund offers stability with some equity growth.

Good for a moderate risk profile.

Rs. 3,000 per month is sufficient.

4. Flexi Cap Funds (Rs. 10,000 per month in two funds)
Flexi-cap funds invest across large, mid, and small caps.

They offer diversification and strong long-term returns.

Keeping two funds is fine, but they should be different in strategy.

Rs. 10,000 allocation is good, but ensure they don’t overlap too much.

5. Midcap Funds (Rs. 6,000 per month in two funds)
Midcap funds can deliver high growth but are volatile.

Investing Rs. 6,000 per month (17% of SIP) is reasonable.

If you want less risk, reduce midcap allocation to Rs. 4,000.

6. IT Index Fund (Rs. 4,000 per month)
Index funds are not ideal, as they don’t outperform actively managed funds.

IT sector is cyclical and has periods of underperformance.

If you want sector exposure, use an actively managed technology fund instead.

Avoid this fund and redirect Rs. 4,000 to flexi-cap or large-cap funds.

7. International Fund (Rs. 2,000 per month)
Exposure to global markets is good for diversification.

The Nasdaq 100 is tech-heavy, which makes it risky.

If you want international exposure, choose a diversified global fund instead.

Keep Rs. 2,000 allocation but switch to a fund with wider global exposure.

Suggested SIP Allocation After Changes
Gold Fund: Reduce from Rs. 3,000 to Rs. 1,500 per month. Gold is not a long-term wealth creator.

Balanced Advantage Fund: Reduce from Rs. 5,000 to Rs. 3,000 per month. These funds are good for stability but may not maximise returns.

Hybrid Equity & Debt Fund: Reduce from Rs. 5,000 to Rs. 3,000 per month. This allocation is enough for stability.

Flexi Cap Funds: Keep the Rs. 10,000 per month allocation. These funds provide good diversification and long-term growth.

Midcap Funds: Reduce from Rs. 6,000 to Rs. 4,000 per month. Midcap funds are volatile. A moderate risk profile requires a slightly lower allocation.

IT Index Fund: Remove the Rs. 4,000 per month allocation. Index funds don’t outperform actively managed funds, and IT sector performance is cyclical.

International Fund: Retain Rs. 2,000 per month, but choose a fund with broader global exposure instead of a tech-heavy index.

Large Cap Fund (New Addition): Add Rs. 5,500 per month to a well-managed large-cap fund for stability and consistent growth.

How to Invest Rs. 20-25 Lakhs as STP
Invest the lump sum in a liquid or ultra-short-term fund to avoid market timing risks.

Transfer through Systematic Transfer Plan (STP) over 12-18 months to reduce volatility impact.

Allocate 60% to flexi-cap and large-cap funds for stability and growth.

Allocate 30% to midcap and hybrid funds for balanced growth.

Allocate 10% to international and gold funds for diversification.

Final Insights
Your SIP plan is well-structured, but minor changes will improve risk-return balance.

Removing the IT index fund and reducing midcap exposure will lower volatility.

Increasing large-cap allocation will bring stability without compromising returns.

Investing the lump sum through STP over 12-18 months will reduce risk.

Choosing actively managed funds over index funds will provide better returns.

This approach ensures long-term wealth creation with controlled risk.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
Relationship
My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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