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High Expenses: Can I Balance Home Loan, Rent & Daily Needs with 1.45 Lac Salary?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 16, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 16, 2024Hindi
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Hello Experts, I am currently working in pvt sector and am 32 years old. My current in hand salary is 1.45lac per month. I am currently paying off my father's home loan of 38lacs, with current outstanding of 24lacs. I have bought a flat back in 2021, for which the loan is of 70lac for 30years.I have a loan insurance for this loan. The EMI for this has not been started yet. It will start once the builder will provide possession of the same. I am paying 15500 monthly rent and apart from that monthly expenses amounts to 30k a month. I am married and my wife is a homemaker and I have a baby girl 2months old. Could you please guide me.

Ans: You have a monthly salary of Rs. 1.45 lakhs. You are paying off your father's home loan with Rs. 24 lakhs outstanding. You bought a flat in 2021 with a Rs. 70 lakhs loan. Your EMI for this will start once you get possession. You pay Rs. 15,500 rent and have monthly expenses of Rs. 30,000. You are married with a homemaker wife and a 2-month-old daughter.

Debt Management
Focus on repaying your father’s home loan. Prioritize this to reduce financial burden. Use part of your monthly income for this. Once the EMI for your flat starts, your expenses will increase. Plan for this additional expense in advance.

Expense Management
You pay Rs. 15,500 in rent and Rs. 30,000 in other expenses. Ensure these expenses are well-managed. Create a monthly budget to track your spending. This will help you save more.

Emergency Fund
Build an emergency fund to cover at least 6 months of expenses. This will provide financial security. Use a high-interest savings account for this fund.

Insurance Coverage
You have loan insurance for your flat. Ensure you also have adequate life and health insurance. This protects your family in case of emergencies.

Investment Planning
Start a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) in mutual funds. SIPs allow you to invest a fixed amount regularly. This helps in disciplined investing and wealth creation.

Benefits of SIPs
SIPs help in rupee cost averaging. This reduces the impact of market volatility. They provide the benefit of compounding returns. SIPs are flexible, allowing you to increase or decrease your investment amount.

Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds offer better returns than index funds. Professional fund managers select stocks based on research. This can outperform the market.

Regular Funds vs Direct Funds
Regular funds come with the expertise of a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). CFPs provide personalized advice and regular monitoring. This ensures your investments remain aligned with your goals.

Child’s Education Planning
Start an education fund for your daughter. Invest in a mix of equity and debt funds. This will ensure her future education expenses are covered.

Professional Guidance
Seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). They can provide a tailored financial plan. Professional guidance will help you achieve your financial goals efficiently.

Final Insights
Prioritize debt repayment. Build an emergency fund. Invest in SIPs for long-term growth. Secure your family’s future with proper insurance and planning.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 08, 2023Hindi
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I am 59 and a logistics consultant. I earn a rental income of 2.1 L per month from 3 loan free flats in Mumbai valuing 8.50 cr. I stay in a flat of value 7.5 cr which has a loan of 2.5 cr and the emi amount is 3.42 L. The loan should get cleared in next 7 years. I earn 3.15 L as my monthly remuneration. I have a recurring deposit of 75k for 5 years and a few LIC policies for which the premium per annum is 1.10 L. Health insurance coverage for 35 L and the premium goes out 25k. Apart from this I have a FD of 15 L. I don't have any SIP and investment in MF etc.Because of the heavy emi presently I am unable to save much money. Now, I seek your advice, so that I can have a secured future with a decent income to maintain the requirements.
Ans: Given your current financial situation and objectives, here's a tailored plan to help you secure your future income and meet your requirements:
Review Real Estate Portfolio: Consider diversifying.

Optimize Loan Repayment: Maintain timely payments.

Maximize Savings and Investments: Start SIPs in mutual funds.

Utilize Recurring Deposit and Fixed Deposit: Continue RD and FD for liquidity.

Evaluate Insurance Coverage: Ensure coverage meets needs.

Create a Retirement Plan: Estimate corpus requirements.

Consult a Financial Advisor: Seek professional guidance.

Monitor and Adjust Regularly: Stay disciplined with savings and investments.

By implementing these steps and seeking professional advice, you can work towards securing a comfortable and financially stable future while maintaining your lifestyle requirements.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 06, 2024

Money
thank you sir i am working in private firm getting 15 PA but it is uncertain i had a corpus of Rs 136L in different investments now i wanted to purchase house which is costing about 82L for that iam utilizing 32 L in corpus and balance taking loan kindly advise as my job is uncertain saving some amount for my future benefit and paying HL for EMI kindly advice
Ans: I understand your situation—balancing job uncertainty while considering a major investment like purchasing a house is a big step. Let's break it down into manageable parts and explore your options thoroughly.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
You mentioned you have a corpus of Rs 136 lakh in different investments. That's an impressive amount! You're planning to use Rs 32 lakh from this corpus to buy a house worth Rs 82 lakh, and for the remaining amount, you'll be taking a loan. Given the uncertainty in your job, it's crucial to ensure that your future financial security isn't compromised while paying EMIs for the home loan. Let's delve deeper.

Evaluating the Investment Corpus Utilization
Using Rs 32 lakh from your corpus leaves you with Rs 104 lakh. It's important to keep a significant portion of this amount liquid and accessible for any emergencies or job uncertainties that might arise. Diversifying your remaining investments will also help mitigate risks and ensure stability.

The Home Loan Decision
Taking a home loan for the remaining Rs 50 lakh is a common strategy, but it's important to consider the monthly EMIs and their impact on your cash flow. Home loans offer tax benefits under sections 80C and 24, which can reduce your taxable income. However, the uncertainty of your job situation means you need a solid repayment plan.

Loan Tenure and EMI Calculation
Opt for a longer tenure to keep your EMIs lower, reducing the immediate financial pressure. This way, if your job situation changes, you'll still be able to manage the payments. Consider a tenure of 20-25 years for manageable EMIs.

Managing Uncertainty with Strategic Investments
With job uncertainty, it's wise to have a diverse portfolio. Here's a breakdown of how you can manage your remaining corpus effectively:

Emergency Fund
Set aside at least 6-12 months' worth of expenses in a liquid or savings account. This provides a cushion in case of sudden job loss or emergencies.

Mutual Funds
Investing in mutual funds can offer good returns and liquidity. Choose a mix of equity and debt funds based on your risk tolerance. Equity funds can provide higher returns, while debt funds offer stability. The power of compounding in mutual funds can significantly grow your wealth over time. Let's explore different categories:

Equity Mutual Funds: These are ideal for long-term growth. They invest in stocks and have the potential for higher returns. However, they come with higher risks, so it's important to stay invested for at least 5-7 years to ride out market volatility.

Debt Mutual Funds: These funds invest in fixed income instruments like bonds, providing stable returns with lower risk. They are suitable for short to medium-term goals and offer better returns than traditional fixed deposits.

Hybrid Funds: These combine equity and debt investments, offering a balanced approach. They provide moderate returns with reduced risk, making them suitable for those with a moderate risk appetite.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
SIPs are a disciplined way to invest in mutual funds regularly. They average out the purchase cost and reduce the impact of market volatility. Continuing with your SIPs ensures consistent investment, building a substantial corpus over time.

Assessing Risks and Diversification
Diversifying your investments is key to managing risks. Avoid putting all your money in one type of investment. A mix of equity, debt, and hybrid funds, along with a well-maintained emergency fund, will provide financial stability.

Advantages of Mutual Funds
Professional Management: Mutual funds are managed by experienced fund managers who make informed decisions on your behalf.
Diversification: They invest in a wide range of securities, reducing risk.
Liquidity: You can redeem your investments easily, providing flexibility.
Compounding: Reinvesting earnings helps your wealth grow exponentially over time.
The Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct funds require you to manage your investments without professional help. This might be challenging given your job uncertainty and other responsibilities. Investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with CFP credentials ensures you receive expert advice and monitoring.

Benefits of Regular Funds
Regular funds offer the advantage of professional guidance. A certified financial planner can help you choose the right funds, monitor performance, and rebalance your portfolio as needed. This hands-on approach ensures your investments align with your financial goals.

Building a Robust Financial Plan
Your financial plan should encompass short-term and long-term goals, risk management, and investment strategies. Here are some key components:

Retirement Planning
Ensure you have a retirement corpus that can sustain your lifestyle. Continue contributing to your NPS and PPF, as they offer tax benefits and long-term growth.

Children's Education and Marriage
Plan for your children's education and marriage expenses by investing in child-specific mutual funds or Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana if you have daughters. These options provide targeted savings for future needs.

Insurance Coverage
Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance coverage. This protects your family from financial hardships in case of unforeseen events. Term insurance offers high coverage at low premiums, while health insurance ensures medical expenses are covered.

Avoiding High-Cost Investment Products
Stay clear of ULIPs or investment-cum-insurance products with high charges. They often underperform due to high costs. Instead, invest in pure insurance products and mutual funds separately.

The Power of Compounding
The earlier you start investing, the more time your money has to grow. Compounding works best when you reinvest earnings over a long period. Even small, regular investments can grow significantly.

Final Insights
Purchasing a house is a significant financial commitment, especially with job uncertainty. Using Rs 32 lakh from your corpus and taking a home loan is a viable strategy, but it’s crucial to maintain liquidity and diversify investments. Building a robust financial plan with a mix of mutual funds, emergency funds, and insurance coverage will ensure financial stability.

Consider working with a certified financial planner to guide you through this journey. They can provide personalized advice, helping you balance your short-term needs and long-term goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 24, 2024

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I am 39 having a monthly gross salary of 1.10 and received in hand is 81000. I have two children 10 and 5 years old. I want to take a home loan of 50 lac. Monthly expenses are about 35000/- . My second source of income gives me on an average 25000/- p.m. No other savings is there. However I have a health insurance and term loan and a Lic for Sum assured 25lac. Now I want to have my own house and I want to take a home loan of 50 lac. At present I am residing in parents home. Sourav Pranjal
Ans: Financial Overview and Assessment
Your financial profile shows a solid income and manageable expenses. However, acquiring a home loan requires careful consideration. Let's break down your financial situation and evaluate the feasibility of a Rs 50 lakh home loan.

Income and Expenses
Primary Income: Rs 81,000/month

Secondary Income: Rs 25,000/month

Total Monthly Income: Rs 1,06,000

Monthly Expenses: Rs 35,000

Net Savings Potential: Rs 71,000

Existing Financial Commitments
Health Insurance: Ensures medical security

Term Loan: Provides life cover

LIC Policy: Sum assured of Rs 25 lakh

Evaluating Home Loan Feasibility
Home Loan Requirement: Rs 50 lakh

EMI Calculation: The EMI for a Rs 50 lakh home loan for 20 years at an 8% interest rate would be approximately Rs 41,822.

Analysis of EMI Affordability
Net Savings Potential: Rs 71,000

Expected EMI: Rs 41,822

You can comfortably afford the EMI. Your net savings post-EMI payment would be Rs 29,178, which provides a good cushion for emergencies and additional savings.

Planning for Future Expenses
Children’s Education: Planning is crucial for your children's education expenses. Start a SIP in a diversified equity mutual fund to build a corpus for this.

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6 months of expenses, including EMI.

Investment Strategy
Mutual Funds SIPs: Invest in diversified mutual funds to grow your wealth over time.

Stocks SIP: Direct stock SIPs can offer higher returns but come with higher risk. Balance with mutual funds for stability.

Insurance and Savings Recommendations
Increase Term Insurance: Ensure your term insurance covers at least 10 times your annual income.

Review LIC Policy: Evaluate the performance and consider if switching to mutual funds can yield better returns.

Advantages of Mutual Fund SIPs Over Direct Stock SIPs
Professional Management: Managed by experts who make informed decisions.

Diversification: Reduces risk by spreading investments across multiple stocks.

Ease of Investing: Less time-consuming and easier to manage.

Liquidity: Easy to redeem units when needed.

Final Insights
Home Loan Feasibility: You can afford the home loan. Ensure you have a buffer for emergencies.

Children’s Education: Start saving through SIPs to build a corpus.

Emergency Fund: Maintain 6 months of expenses as a buffer.

Term Insurance: Increase coverage to secure your family’s future.

Investment Strategy: Diversify between mutual funds and stocks. Prioritise mutual funds for stability and professional management.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 30, 2024

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Hello Sir,I am 38 yrs now & wife 34. We are having a 9 years old daughter. My salary is 80K & wife's salary is 85K.My SIP is 19,000 (10 years) per month & wife 35,000 for (20 years) .NPS-50K PA. LIC-1.5L PA,Shares 6L,Gold-7L We are having a home loan of 55L for 15 years where our target is to close it by 2033.(EMI-55K). This flat we have given it on rent (16,000) rent. My target is to get retire by 50 with a corpus of 3Cr.
Ans: Current Financial Situation
Monthly Income and Expenses
Your salary: Rs. 80,000 per month.
Wife's salary: Rs. 85,000 per month.
Total monthly income: Rs. 1,65,000.
EMI on home loan: Rs. 55,000.
Rent received from flat: Rs. 16,000.
Investments
SIPs: Rs. 19,000 per month (10 years) and Rs. 35,000 per month (20 years).
NPS: Rs. 50,000 per annum.
LIC: Rs. 1.5 lakhs per annum.
Shares: Rs. 6 lakhs.
Gold: Rs. 7 lakhs.
Goals
Retire at age 50 with a corpus of Rs. 3 crores.
Close home loan by 2033.
Retirement Planning
SIP Contributions
Continue your SIPs diligently.
Your 10-year SIP and wife's 20-year SIP are crucial.
Consider increasing SIP amount with salary hikes.
National Pension System (NPS)
NPS is a good retirement tool.
Rs. 50,000 per annum contribution helps with tax savings and retirement corpus.
Consider increasing NPS contributions over time.
Life Insurance
LIC premiums of Rs. 1.5 lakhs per annum.
Ensure that you have adequate term insurance coverage.
If LIC policies are not term plans, evaluate their returns and consider switching to mutual funds.
Direct Equity Investments
Current investment in shares: Rs. 6 lakhs.
Review the performance of your stock portfolio.
Diversify to reduce risk.
Gold Investments
Current gold investments: Rs. 7 lakhs.
Gold is a good hedge against inflation.
Do not allocate more than 10% of your portfolio to gold.
Home Loan Strategy
Early Loan Repayment
Aim to close the loan by 2033 as planned.
Use rental income and any surplus funds to prepay the loan.
Prepayment reduces interest burden and loan tenure.
Rental Income Utilization
Use Rs. 16,000 rent received to support EMI payments.
This helps in managing cash flow.
Education Planning for Your Daughter
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Start a dedicated SIP for your daughter's higher education.
Estimate future education costs and invest accordingly.
Equity mutual funds are suitable for long-term education goals.
Review and Adjust
Review your investment strategy annually.
Adjust SIP amounts based on market performance and financial goals.
Building Retirement Corpus
Diversified Mutual Funds
Focus on diversified mutual funds for better risk management.
Actively managed funds can offer better returns than index funds.
Avoid index funds due to their passive nature and lack of active management.
Regular Review
Regularly review your mutual fund portfolio.
Consult with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for adjustments.
Alternative Investments
Consider debt mutual funds for stability.
These funds offer safer returns and help balance your portfolio.
Tax Planning
Utilise Tax Benefits
Maximise Section 80C deductions with investments in ELSS funds.
Continue NPS contributions for additional tax benefits under Section 80CCD(1B).
Final Insights
SIPs: Continue and increase SIP contributions over time.

NPS: Maintain and enhance contributions for retirement savings.

Insurance: Ensure adequate term insurance; review LIC policies.

Equity and Gold: Maintain diversified investments; review regularly.

Home Loan: Aim for early repayment using surplus funds and rental income.

Education Planning: Start SIPs for your daughter's education.

Tax Planning: Maximize tax-saving investments.

Regular Review: Consult with a CFP for portfolio adjustments and goal tracking.

By following this comprehensive strategy, you can achieve your retirement and financial goals, ensuring a secure future for your family.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1285 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Ms Anu, I am a 42yr female..married since 14 yrs and have 10yr old son . I am highly qualified and financially independent. My marriage was a arranged one.. but in these 14 yrs.. I never experienced love or and attachment from my husband's side. He is a family man.. there is no other woman involved..He loves his parents and his two sisters immensely... but always treats me as a option. I feel humiliated and lonely and he has short temper when i talk about this issue... so basically I don't discuss... but that is no solution... I am suffering and unhappy. What should I do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
A few married men can be more focused on the women on their side of the family; it becomes easy to express love, care and attention to them as he has grown with them.
A wife happens to be someone that he is yet to understand. It requires effort to make a marriage work; your husband finds it convenient to take the easy way out and 'hang out' with his family.
So, here you take the lead and start. Start not by bringing forth your complaints as this is going to push him further to them which is going to annoy you BUT by inviting him to be with you. A lot of work, I get it...but the bottom line: that's what you want, right?
Plan dates evenings, take short vacations together, work-out together...the key is to establish a connection which never had its chance in the first place...So, give your best shot! Most times actions speak louder than words ever can...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1285 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Relationship
Namaste Mam Main Ek Ladki Se Bohot Pyaar Karta Hun Lekin Woh Kisi Aur Se Pyaar Karti Ek Wakt Pahle Woh Ladki Meri Acchi Dost Thi Fir Maine Soccha Ki Usse Ek Yeh Kehdu Ki Main Usse Be Inteha Pyaar Karta Hun Maine Usse Keh Diya Par Usne Muzhe Mana Kiya Eh Kehke Ki Usse Pyaar Karne Main Dilchajbi Nahi Aur Wahan Se Chali Gai Main Uss Din Bohot Dipretion Main Tha Fir Maine Yeh Faisla Kiya Ki Woh Apne Bhai Maa Baap Se Darkar Iss Rashte Ko Banane Main Dar Rahi Hogi Par Aaise Karte Karte 2 Saal Ho Gaye Aur Fir Ik Din Achanak Do Saal Baad Yeh Kehne Aati Hain Ki Main Ek Ladke Se Pyaar Karti Aur Tab Maine Usse Puccha Kya Tum Usse Shaadi Bhi Karna Chahti Ho To Ussne Jhijakte Hue Yeh Jawab Diya Ki Woh Usse Shaadi Karna Chahti Darsal Woh Mere Paas Yeh Madat Mangni Aai Thi Ki Woh Usse Milne Jaana Chahti Hain Aur Usse Usko Milne Keliye Kucch Paiso Ki Jarurat Hain To Maine Uss Situation Ko Samjhakar Uski Baaton Ko Samjhakar Usse Paise De Diye Magar Woh Muzhe Usse Pehle Maine Usse Yeh Kahan Ki Tum Mere Paas Kaise Aai Paise Mangne To Usne Kaha Ki Woh Muzhe Uska Ek Accha Dost Manti Isiliye Woh Mere Paas Madat Mangni Aai Thi Iska Main Matlab Kya Samjhu Ki Woh Muzhe Sachme Accha Dost Mantti Hain Yah Sirf Usse Paison Ki Jaruart Thi Isliye Agar Muzhe Apna Accha Dost Manti Hain To Kya Woh Bhavishya Main uss Ladke Jisse Woh Pyaar Karti Agar Uss Ladke Ne Uss Ladki Ki Dhoka Diya To Kya Woh Mere Paas Wapas Aa Sakti Kya Woh Mere Saath Shaadi Kar Sakti Hain Main Abbhi Usse Utna Hi Pyaar Karta Hoon Aur Usse Kabhi Kabar Baad Chit Karne Mile To Usse Healthy Conversation Karta Hoon To Kya Yeh Sambhav Ho Sakta Hain Ki Woh Aage Chalkar Mere Future Wife Bane Aur Main Uske Saath Hamesha Khush Rah Saku Aur Usse Khush Rakh Saku
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Nah! Bilkul nahin aur agar kabhi aisa hua bhi toh yeh zaroor jaan lena ki use aur koi mila nahin aur woh yeh jaanti hai ki aapka pyaar aapki kamzori hai isiliye koi bhi haalaat mein aap use sweekar kar lenge. Majboori hogi uski jab woh aapko chunegi, naaki yeh ki woh aap se pyaar karti hai...aur aise rishte zyaada tikte nahin.
Jab wusne saaf kahaa hai ki aapko dost maanti hai, toh is baat ko maan lijiye; yeh nah karke aapne khayaali Pulao pakaana shuru kiya hai...ki kya yeh hoga toh woh aapke paas chali aayegi...yeh nahin hoga toh woh kya aapse shaadi karegi?
Yeh sirf aapki zidd hai aur yahi zidd aapko maayusi ke alawaa kuch nahin dega.
Apni zindagi jiye, uspe dhyaan de kyonki yahi sab baatein leke baithenge toh khud ki zindagi mein aage badhne ke mauke bhi aapko nazar nahin aayenge.
Aur jahaan tak aapse paise maangne ki baat hai, toh use yeh toh zaroor pataa hai ki aap usse pyaar karte hain aur uski koi baat ko taalenge nahin...Toh paise ke liye manaa kaise karenge...Yeh jaan le ki woh aapse pyaar nahin karti aur jitni jaldi is baat ko maan lenge aap khule dil se jee paayenge. Naye dost banaye, nayi anubhavon ko aapnaaye; yeh sab tab hoga jab aap is kisse ko dimaag se hataa lenge...koshish kijiye...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1285 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 06, 2024
Relationship
Hi Anu, i am 34 year old woman married to a 41 year old man. We are married for past 10 years. We had no sexual relationship for first 5 years, after lot of pestering and fights and realisation that there must a physical problem at my husband’s end i convinced him to visit an expert in this domain. Turns out he had low testosterone level. He took the necessary medication and i really tried for 1 year to make it work. It worked to a certain extent but it was more like a chore than something we really want to do. Then we decided that we should go for a baby as well while we are at it. Now my daughter is 2.5. Things never got better. We don’t talk about our lack of any intimacy physical or mental. We are living like roommates. He is the best husband a person can ask for on paper. My parents love him. He is the nicest guy. But in reality we never had any connection and no comparability. And whatever attraction and love i had for him in the beginning is lost completely. I have no idea what goes on his mind. He is a closed book i could never open. He accepts the problem but blames me too if i force him to open up. I am in such a bad place mentally. I keep thinking about the one life i got, i wasted it. Why did i get married so soon? I like someone in office who i have no future with because he is in some other country. I do not know what to do and how to live my life. I get thoughts that life should not be so long.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
A case where the person shuts down because he carries the guilt of what is happening to him and what he is facing...not a very useful way of dealing with the situation but when society has drummed it into us that a 'man' is defined by his masculine traits and behaviors, can you blame him for it?
He is possibly embarrassed and this could be a reason for him 'closing down' within the marriage. He needs to be slowly cajoled out of what he is feeling...What the two of you could do is: start the marriage as though it is Day One...
Now, how would the two of you connect? How would things be different?
It is an attempt to reconnect with no past baggage which helps in focusing on each other in the present day. That helps in making good solid commitments to one another but of course, there has to be a lot of communication in this process. Do take the help of a professional if this feels too much to go through by yourselves.
And as for the colleague; hmmmm grass on the other side will always seem greener!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 17, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Mam i love a boy.. Who is 2 yr younger then me and... Now he is preparing for jE.. Post and... My parents worry about my marriage... I told him about this.... He is craying... So much... He love s me very much.... He don't tell about this relationship.....to his parents.. Because he dont have any.... Job..... What should i do mam.... Plz.... Tell me... Mamm plzzz
Ans: First, have an honest conversation with him about what both of you realistically can and cannot do right now. Since he is still working on his future and you feel pressure from your family, try to think about how much time he might need to reach a stable point. Then, consider whether waiting for him is something that is possible for you and acceptable to your family.

It might also be helpful to have a calm conversation with your parents, expressing your feelings for him while being open about the current situation. Sometimes parents worry because they don’t know the full picture. Explaining that he is working hard toward his career goals may give them a better understanding. You could also ask them if they’d be willing to wait for some time before making any decisions on your marriage, if they feel comfortable with that.

If waiting is not possible and your family pressures you to consider other options, it’s important to think about your own long-term happiness and make the best choice for you. These situations are never easy, but by staying honest with yourself and your family, you will be able to make a decision that respects both your love and your future stability.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, There is a woman in my office working in my department. She is my friend's wife and was referred by me for this job. We get to work closely often, but we both make opportunities to get to work together. Most of our time spent is on work related items, with few minutes of casual chats, and we both have spent a lot of time alone in office, working extra hours and all. I have a feeling that I am starting to yearn to spend time with her on work and she also tries to be around me. We both text outside of office hours, share a lot of "inside" jokes and we both look to be enjoying the time together. I am in a confused state because it looks like she is giving me a lot of signs to move forward to next levels, but I am pulling back and not advancing. We both are married and have families. Any advice?
Ans: To manage this, start by gently reinforcing professional boundaries. While it may feel awkward initially, limiting the personal, non-work-related conversations and texts can create some emotional distance. This will not only help reduce feelings of attachment but also prevent misunderstandings or assumptions from developing on either side. At the same time, it may be beneficial to reflect on your own life and current relationships. Often, feelings that arise outside our primary relationship can signal needs or emotions that might require attention within our existing commitments.

Redirecting your focus back to your own relationship with your spouse and engaging in activities that strengthen that bond can bring a renewed appreciation for the life you have built. Rekindling affection, open communication, and connection with your spouse could help provide a sense of fulfillment that might reduce the attraction you’re feeling toward your colleague.

It may also help to remind yourself of the potential risks involved, not only to your family life but also to your professional reputation and friendships. By focusing on maintaining a respectful, professional, and appropriate connection, you’re honoring both your commitments and protecting the integrity of all relationships involved. Choosing not to act on these feelings will ultimately support the stability of your personal life and career, allowing you to maintain a healthy and professional environment at work.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 09, 2024Hindi
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Hi I brought up from a middle class family now I'm married and having 3 yrs kid, my younger brother recently got married! Ever since his marg there was a problem going on between my mom, brother and her wife , all the 3 of them bringing their problems to me and husband it creates a huge impact on my mental health due to their problems, if I try to resolve nobody is listening, I'm staying nearby my parents which is a big disadvantage, directly it's affecting me and my family? I don't know how to overcome from this type of issue
Ans: A compassionate but firm boundary can make a difference here. For instance, you could gently explain to your mother, brother, and his wife that while you understand and empathize with their challenges, you’re finding it difficult to handle all the tension that arises from these discussions. You might let them know that, for the sake of your own mental health and family well-being, you need to step back from being involved in any discussions about their conflicts.

If they do come to you with their concerns, try gently redirecting them, perhaps by suggesting that they talk directly to each other or even consider family counseling if they’re open to it. Remind them that only they can solve these issues by communicating directly, rather than relying on you as a mediator. Over time, they may begin to understand that their repeated involvement of you is not a productive solution.

Creating some physical and emotional space is key. If living nearby is heightening the tension, consider adjusting how often you interact in person. Focusing more on your own family’s peace, stability, and happiness will also help. It may feel challenging at first, but taking steps to protect your boundaries will benefit everyone, and gradually, they may even recognize the need to work out these issues themselves without depending on you.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 10, 2024Hindi
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Hi ma’am, I am a 27 year old girl. My father is a very strict person. Since childhood I have tolerated many things like I was not allowed to make friends(not even girls, forgot about boys). When I was 12 years old I was told that I was not allowed to talk to boys, and if my father ever saw me doing so, he will kill me. So, I was not allowed to talk to any friend, forget about going out and other stuff. All I used to do is sit in my room and study,I was not allowed to go out to play, wasn’t allowed to watch tv, not even allowed to go and play with cousins. Even if there was a wedding in my family, i was not allowed to go out and enjoy. And this has continued till date. I am still not allowed to go out without my father’s permission. Although I live in Bengaluru and work in a big company with a high paying job. Even the salary I get is not mine. Because my father takes it from me and I can’t say no to him. I use to say to me that if I ever did anything which he thinks is wrong, he will kill me, or will not allow me to go to college and now he will not allow me to work. And now he want me to get married to someone of his choice because of caste system. But I have a boyfriend and I want to marry my him. But I can’t even tell this to my father, because once I tell him this, he will not allow me to leave the house ever again and he would get me married to next person he finds. I am very scared of him. I don’t want to get married to anyone but my boyfriend. What should I do? Should I run away and get married to my boyfriend. I don’t know what my father will do then. He is a very controlling person .
Ans: To start, consider small steps that allow you to establish a greater sense of independence. Setting aside a portion of your income in an account only you can access, even if done quietly, can help you prepare financially for the future you envision with your boyfriend. Gaining control over your finances can also give you a greater sense of autonomy, which is key for your emotional and practical well-being.

Considering your father’s intense reaction to any choices that don’t align with his, safety is a priority. Consulting with a therapist or a counselor could help you process the emotional impact of your experiences and, importantly, develop strategies for how to approach this situation. Speaking to a counselor may also help you find a safe way to discuss your relationship with your father and express your own wishes while understanding any resources that might be available to you if needed.

If, ultimately, you decide to move forward with your relationship and marriage independently of your father’s permission, preparing yourself for potential emotional fallout is essential. While it’s natural to hope for family acceptance, remember that creating your own happiness is equally important. Over time, if your father can see that you’re stable, happy, and independent, he may eventually respect your decision.

Taking steps toward your own life may feel overwhelming, but with support and gradual changes, you can find a path that balances your love for your family with your need for self-respect, autonomy, and a future that you choose.

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