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45 year old seeking advice on Retirement Planning: Are these the right Mutual Funds?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 11, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 10, 2024Hindi
Money

Hi experts, I'm 45 years and starting my MF investment journey, I've selected the below MFs to invest in from a view for my Retirement Planning, If I intend to build a corpus of 5 Cr by 60 yrs, are these the right MFs to go with, or do you suggest swapping these for any better ones, kindly suggest. Also how much amount should I invest lumpsum and via SIPs in these? Thank You !! HDFC Retirement Savings Fund - Equity Plan - G 15yrs(lockin 5 years) Edelwiess Mid Cap Fund - G 12 yrs DSP Health Care Fund - G 10 yrs Bandhan Nifty Alpha 50 Index Fund - G 8 yrs ICICI Pru. Equity & Debt Fund - G - 6 yrs Kotak Low Duration 2 yrs

Ans: It’s good to see you starting your mutual fund investment journey. Planning for a retirement corpus of Rs 5 crore by the age of 60 is a significant goal. I appreciate that you are focusing on long-term investments. However, I have noticed some areas that need reevaluation for optimal results. Let’s go through your choices step by step.

Mutual Fund Selection Review

HDFC Retirement Savings Fund - Equity Plan - G (15 years with a 5-year lock-in)

You have chosen a retirement savings fund with an equity plan. While equity-focused funds are good for long-term growth, having a 5-year lock-in could restrict your ability to make timely adjustments.

Actively managed equity funds tend to perform better compared to index funds like Nifty Alpha. A Certified Financial Planner would typically suggest reviewing the overall portfolio performance frequently to ensure alignment with your goals.

Retirement funds with a lock-in period are less flexible. You might need more flexibility as you approach retirement to rebalance your portfolio.

Consider replacing this with an actively managed diversified equity fund. This will give better flexibility and professional management oversight.

Edelweiss Mid Cap Fund - G (12 years)

Mid-cap funds are great for higher returns, but they also come with higher risks. They can be volatile over the short to medium term. However, given your 12-year horizon, they could add value to your portfolio.

Actively managed mid-cap funds perform better over time, and choosing regular plans through a Certified Financial Planner will give you access to professional guidance. This ensures timely corrections based on market conditions.

It’s essential to keep an eye on market cycles. Mid-cap funds may take longer to recover during downturns, but an experienced professional managing your funds will handle that well.

DSP Health Care Fund - G (10 years)

Sectoral funds, like healthcare funds, tend to be highly volatile and depend on the performance of one specific sector. While the healthcare sector has growth potential, this should not form a large part of your portfolio.

Sectoral funds should be considered as satellite investments, not core. Your core investment should focus on diversified equity funds.

Consider replacing this with a more diversified equity fund or even a flexi-cap fund for better balance. These funds are actively managed to adjust to market conditions and diversify risk.

Bandhan Nifty Alpha 50 Index Fund - G (8 years)

Index funds like the Nifty Alpha 50 Fund often lack the agility of actively managed funds. Their returns are capped to the performance of the index, and they may underperform in market downturns.

Actively managed funds with a strong track record can outperform index funds, especially in the Indian market, where active fund managers can capitalize on market inefficiencies.

Avoid index funds if you are looking for superior long-term performance. Actively managed funds are better suited to deliver higher returns over your investment horizon.

ICICI Prudential Equity & Debt Fund - G (6 years)

Hybrid funds like the ICICI Prudential Equity & Debt Fund offer a mix of equity and debt. These are suitable for moderate-risk investors, providing both growth and safety.

Over a 6-year period, this fund may offer stability, but for your long-term retirement goal, you may want to focus more on equity for higher returns.

You can keep a small portion of your portfolio in such funds for stability, but the majority should still be in equity to meet your Rs 5 crore goal.

Kotak Low Duration Fund (2 years)

A low-duration fund is designed for short-term goals, not long-term retirement planning. It offers stability but minimal growth.

This fund is not aligned with your 15-year goal. Instead, consider shifting this allocation to equity-focused funds for better growth over the long term.

Low-duration funds are ideal for emergency funds, not for retirement planning.

Disadvantages of Index Funds

Index funds like the Bandhan Nifty Alpha 50 only track a specific index. This limits their growth potential compared to actively managed funds.

During market downturns, index funds cannot protect or manage risks. Actively managed funds, however, can strategically adjust portfolios to safeguard investors.

Actively managed funds can capitalize on market inefficiencies. This is why Certified Financial Planners prefer them, especially in emerging markets like India.

SIP vs Lumpsum Investments

SIP (Systematic Investment Plan): It allows you to invest consistently over time. This strategy helps you take advantage of market volatility by averaging the cost of buying units. For long-term goals like retirement, SIP is highly recommended.

Lumpsum Investment: This is suitable when you expect markets to rise consistently over time. However, markets fluctuate, and timing a lumpsum investment can be tricky. SIPs help avoid the risk of investing at the wrong time.

Given your 15-year horizon, a combination of SIP and a small lump sum could work well. SIPs provide discipline, while a lumpsum in the right equity funds could jumpstart your investments.

Amount to Invest

You are aiming for Rs 5 crore by the time you retire. To achieve this, you will need to consistently invest a significant amount each month. Start with a monthly SIP that aligns with your disposable income.

A Certified Financial Planner can help calculate the exact amount based on expected market returns, inflation, and risk tolerance. However, for now, focus on maintaining a steady investment habit.

Other Investment Strategies

Diversification: It’s essential to have a well-diversified portfolio across asset classes and sectors. Avoid putting too much into sectoral or index funds, as they increase risk without necessarily improving returns.

Asset Allocation: Keep the majority of your portfolio in equity funds for growth. As you near retirement, you can gradually shift to debt funds for stability and lower risk.

Reviewing Regularly: Your portfolio should be reviewed at least once a year. Market conditions change, and so do your financial goals. Actively managed funds, when handled by a professional, will be adjusted accordingly.

Certified Financial Planner’s Role: Having a Certified Financial Planner to guide your investments ensures that your portfolio stays on track. They monitor your funds, suggest corrections, and ensure that your investments are aligned with your long-term goals.

Tax Implications

Equity Funds: Gains from equity mutual funds are taxed differently based on the duration of your holding. Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt Funds: If you invest in debt funds, remember that both LTCG and STCG are taxed as per your income tax slab. This could have a significant impact on your post-tax returns.

Final Insights

You are on the right track by focusing on mutual funds for retirement. However, I suggest shifting some of your current choices to more actively managed funds with a diversified approach.

Avoid sectoral and index funds as core investments. Focus on growth through equity funds, balancing risk with time and diversification.

SIPs are ideal for your long-term goal. Start with an amount that fits your financial capacity and review your progress regularly.

Consider working with a Certified Financial Planner to stay on track. They will ensure that your portfolio adapts to market conditions and your changing needs over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 11, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir, I'm 45 years and starting my MF investment journey, I've selected the below MFs to invest in from a view for my Retirement Planning, If I intend to build a corpus of 5 Cr by 60 yrs of age, are these the right MFs to go with, or do you suggest swapping these for any better ones, kindly suggest. Also can you pls suggest how much amount should I invest lumpsum and via SIPs in these? Thank You !! HDFC Retirement Savings Fund - Equity Plan - G 15yrs(lockin 5 years) Edelwiess Mid Cap Fund - G 12 yrs DSP Health Care Fund - G 10 yrs Bandhan Nifty Alpha 50 Index Fund - G 8 yrs ICICI Pru. Equity & Debt Fund - G - 6 yrs Kotak Low Duration 2 yrs
Ans: It's great to see that you're starting your investment journey at the age of 45. You have a well-thought-out goal of building a Rs. 5 crore corpus by the time you turn 60, and I appreciate the long-term perspective you've adopted.

Let’s dive into a detailed evaluation of the mutual funds you've selected and how they align with your retirement objective. I will also provide insights on how to balance your investments between lump sum and SIPs.

Portfolio Evaluation for Retirement Planning
HDFC Retirement Savings Fund - Equity Plan (15 Years, 5-Year Lock-In)

This fund provides a balanced approach to long-term equity growth with the added advantage of tax saving. However, since it has a five-year lock-in, it restricts flexibility.

Retirement-focused funds often come with higher charges, which may impact returns over the long term. You may want to explore alternatives that offer greater flexibility and lower costs.

It's important to understand that funds specifically marked for retirement often have restrictions on withdrawals, and while that helps you stay disciplined, other diversified equity funds can offer similar returns without the lock-in.

Edelweiss Mid Cap Fund (12 Years)

Mid-cap funds can offer strong growth potential. However, they come with higher volatility. Over a 12-year horizon, the performance can be impressive, but be prepared for periods of market swings.

You could include a diversified large- and mid-cap or flexi-cap fund to balance out the higher volatility associated with mid-caps. While mid-cap exposure is good for growth, diversification will add stability to your portfolio.

DSP Health Care Fund (10 Years)

Sectoral funds, such as healthcare, are typically more volatile and focused on specific sectors. Healthcare can be a long-term growth story, but it is subject to regulatory risks and industry-specific headwinds.

For retirement planning, a more diversified approach may yield better risk-adjusted returns. Instead of concentrating on a single sector, you may want to consider sector rotation or thematic funds that give exposure to broader growth themes.

Bandhan Nifty Alpha 50 Index Fund (8 Years)

Index funds, while low-cost, tend to deliver market-average returns. In this case, the Nifty Alpha 50 Index is based on stocks with strong alpha generation potential. However, index funds lack the active management that can help capture market opportunities and mitigate risks during downturns.

Actively managed funds, handled by experienced fund managers, can outperform during volatile markets and provide you with an opportunity for higher growth. While index funds are low-cost, you may not get the most out of your investment compared to an actively managed fund.

ICICI Prudential Equity & Debt Fund (6 Years)

Hybrid funds like this one balance the risk between equity and debt. They provide a cushion during market corrections due to their debt component while also participating in equity market growth.

For a retirement portfolio, hybrid funds offer a safer route but may not deliver the aggressive growth needed for a Rs. 5 crore corpus in 15 years. These can complement your portfolio, but you may need more equity-focused funds to meet your target.

Kotak Low Duration Fund (2 Years)

Low-duration funds are primarily suited for short-term goals or as a safe parking space for funds. These funds are not ideal for long-term wealth creation due to their limited growth potential.

For retirement planning, equity exposure is essential for generating inflation-beating returns. This fund could be part of your debt allocation, but for a 15-year horizon, you should prioritize equity-heavy investments.

Recommendations for Building a Rs. 5 Crore Corpus
Based on your age and time horizon, achieving Rs. 5 crore in 15 years is a reasonable and attainable goal with the right mix of investments.

Diversification: While you’ve picked a few good funds, the portfolio can benefit from broader diversification. Rather than sector-specific or index funds, consider a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds for more balanced growth.

Actively Managed Funds: Actively managed funds often provide higher returns than index funds, particularly in the long term. Fund managers can capitalize on market fluctuations and opportunities that passive index funds cannot.

Flexibility in Retirement Funds: A retirement-focused fund with a lock-in period may limit your options. Consider funds that offer flexibility in withdrawals and fund switches for greater control over your retirement assets.

Balanced Portfolio: A good retirement portfolio should have both equity and debt components, but you should tilt more towards equity for growth in the initial years and gradually increase debt allocation as you approach retirement.

Lump Sum vs. SIP Investments
For retirement planning, the most effective way to invest is a combination of lump sum and SIPs. Here’s how I would recommend you allocate:

SIP Investments: Allocate a larger portion (around 75-80%) of your monthly savings towards systematic investment plans (SIPs). SIPs are great for rupee-cost averaging and help reduce the impact of market volatility over time. For example, if you can invest Rs. 40,000 per month, start SIPs in a diversified portfolio of equity and hybrid funds.

Lump Sum Investments: If you have any surplus funds, invest them in lump sum during market corrections or dips. Lump sum investments can be deployed in balanced hybrid funds to reduce the risk of market timing.

Taxation Considerations
Equity Mutual Funds: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt Mutual Funds: LTCG and STCG are taxed according to your income tax slab.

You should also regularly review your investments to ensure you stay on track with your tax-saving strategies.

Suggested Action Plan
Start with SIPs: Begin monthly SIPs in a mix of diversified equity and hybrid funds, focusing on long-term growth.

Use Lump Sum Wisely: Invest any windfall gains or bonus amounts as lump sum during market corrections. Consider parking the lump sum in liquid funds temporarily and then moving it to equity funds.

Monitor and Review: Keep track of your portfolio’s performance and make adjustments based on market conditions, your changing financial needs, and tax implications.

Finally
Your goal of building a Rs. 5 crore corpus is achievable with disciplined and regular investments. By focusing on the right funds, balancing between equity and debt, and leveraging the power of SIPs, you will be able to create a strong retirement corpus.

I encourage you to stay invested for the long term, be consistent, and review your portfolio periodically. A well-diversified portfolio with a greater focus on equity will help you reach your financial goals with ease.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Dr Nagarajan Jsk

Dr Nagarajan Jsk   |197 Answers  |Ask -

NEET, Medical, Pharmacy Careers - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Career
RESPECTED SIR I APPEARED CLASS 12 BOARD IN 2024 BUT I FAIL AND NOW I APPEARING IN FEBRUARY 2025 AGAIN CAN I GIVE NEET 2025 BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE DOCTOR I HAVE DREAM TO BECOME DOCTOR SINCE CLASS 4 I AM AVERAGE STUDENT
Ans: Hi Jaimin,
Greetings.




The answer which i have given below is based on last year.
ANSWER 1: If you want to pursue medicine in ARMED FORCES MEDICAL COLLEGE (AFMC), PUNE, (Information brochure Admission to MBBS course-2024, PAGE NO. 6)

GENERAL 6. A candidate seeking admission to the MBBS Course in AFMC is eligible if he / she fulfils the following criteria: - (a) The candidate should be a citizen of India. Foreign nationals of Indian origin may be admitted into AFMC only after they have acquired Indian Citizenship or in respect of whom the Ministry of Home Affairs issues a certificate of eligibility. This however does not apply to the 05 Govt Sponsored Candidates from Friendly Foreign Countries. (b) Must be unmarried. Marriage during the course is not permitted. (c) Should be medically fit as per prescribed standards by the Govt of India, Ministry of Defence (see Appendix ‘A’). (d) Age criteria: The candidate should have attained the age of 17 years at the time of admission or should be completing that age on or before 31 Dec of the year of admission of the first year of MBBS course but must not have attained the age of 24 years on that date, i.e., must have been born not earlier than 01 January 2001 and not later than 31 December 2007. Academic Qualifications 7. Candidates must have passed one of the qualifying examinations listed at sub-para (a) to (j) below in the FIRST ATTEMPT with English, Physics, Chemistry and Biology/ Bio-technology taken simultaneously and securing not less than 60% of the aggregate marks in these three science subjects taken together and not less than 50% marks in English and 50% marks in each of the science subjects. They must have also passed an examination in Mathematics of the tenth standard. The examinations are: - (a) The Higher Secondary (10+2) or equivalent examination in science of a statutory Indian University/board or other recognized examination body with English, Physics, Chemistry & Biology/ Bio-technology which shall include practical test in all of these science subjects. (b) The Pre-professional/Pre-Medical examination with English, Physics, Chemistry and Biology/ Bio-technology (after passing either Higher Secondary School examination or pre- University or equivalent examination) which shall include practical test in these science subjects. (c) 1st year of three years Degree course of a recognized University with English, Physics, Chemistry, and Biology/ Bio-technology including practical test in science subjects provided the examination is a University Examination.

SO TO GET ADMISSION IN AFMC - 17 YEARS, FIRST ATTEMPT IN HSC, 60% AGGREGATE AND NOT LESS THAN 50% IN ENGLISH AND SCIENCE SUBJECTS.

ACCORDING TO AIIMS:
ELIGIBILITY
For Indian nationals:
An applicant is eligible for admission to the competitive Entrance Examination of the Institute if the following criteria are met with:-
Nationality: He/She is an Indian citizen
Age: He/She has attained or will attain the age of seventeen (17) years as
on the 31st of December of the year of admission. Candidates attaining seventeen   years on 1st January 2001 or later will not be eligible to appear at  the   competitive entrance examination.
Essential
Qualification:   He/She should have passed the12th Class under the 10+2 Scheme /Senior SchoolCertificate Examination or  an equivalent examination of a recognized Board of  any Indian State with ENGLISH and Medical Group of  subjects, namely   PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY  (Botany and  Zoology) :
                                              OR    
The Intermediate Science (I.Sc.) or an equivalent examination of a recognized Indian university or a  recognized Board of Education of any Indian State with ENGLISH and the Medical Group of Subjects,  namely PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY (Botany and Zoology):
                                               OR
Pre-Medical or Pre-Professional examination of the integrate M.B.B.S. course with ENGLISH, PHYSICS,  CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY  (Botany and Zoology); after having passed either the  higher Secondary School Examination o Pre-University Examination, or an equivalent Examination;
                                                 OR
The 1st year examination of the 3-year B.Sc degree course with ENGLISH,  PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Zoology) after passing the Higher Secondary or Pre-University Examination.
OR
Any other examination with the required subjects which in scope and
standard(including its courses and  syllabus) is considered by the institute to be equivalent to Pre-medical/Intermediate Science examination of an Indian University.
Minimum
Aggregate  : He/She should have obtained a minimum of SIXTY PERCENT (60%) marks in aggregate in the 4   compulsory subjects of ENGLISH, PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY (Botany and Zoology).

FROM PRIVATE COLLEGE: MBBS Course (200 Seats)
Candidates who are citizens of India, NRIs, PIOs, OCIs and foreign nationals are eligible to take NEET.
Qualifying Exam: 10+2 or equivalent with Physics, Chemistry, Biology/Biotechnology and English as core subject in both Classes 11 and 12 from a recognised board.
Minimum Age Requirement: 17 years as on December 31 of the year of admission
Maximum Age Limit: No upper age limit
Qualifying Marks: UR - 50%, OBC/SC/ST - 40%, PWD - 45% (minimum aggregate marks only for PCB subjects)
Maximum Attempts: No limit on the permitted number of attempts.
Nationality:Indian Nationals, NRIs, OCIs, PIOs & Foreign Nationals


Based on the details provided, you are eligible to pursue a medicine course in India, even though you have failed your HSC. Once you clear your +2 exams and achieve the necessary marks to gain admission through NEET, you can apply. However, to gain admission to AIIMS, you must have an aggregate score of 60%. Unfortunately, you are not eligible for admission to AFMC. Therefore, you can consider other options besides AFMC to pursue your studies in medicine.
ALL THE BEST.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 03, 2025Hindi
Listen
Money
Personal Status Current Age - 35Y Male Profession - Embedded Engineer Disposal Income - 1.6L/Month Monthly Expense - 50K/Month Yearly Onetime Expenses - 3L/Year (School Fee, Premiums, Personal) Annual Disposal Income - 19,20,000 Annual Expenses - 9,00,000 Financial Status (1) Term Insurance - 1Cr (2) Health Insurance (1) Company Insurance - 3L (MySelf, Spouse, 2 Kids, Father and Mother) (2) Personal Insurance - 25L (Star Health Assure Floater Policy - MySelf, Spouse, 2 Kids) (3) Emergency Fund - 5L in Debt Fund (ICICI All Season Bond) Current Asset Allocation: (1) Real Estate - 46% (2) Equity - 20% (3) Gold - 11% (4) Debt - 9% (5) Retirement - 16% Investment Plan: (1) Debt - 25% (2) PPFAS Flexi Cap MF - 20% (3) Axis Mid Cap MF - 17% (4) Quant HealthCare MF - 9% (5) Tata Digital MF - 6% (6) Global Fund - 5% (7) UTI Nifty 50 Index - 10% (8) Stocks - 8% Other Investment (Retirement Plan): SSY - 1.5L/Year PF - 2.5L/Year Investment duration: Next 15Years Can you please guide me in the following questions (1) The Allocation to MF are fine or need to be modified? (2) Can you suggest the allocation to Global Stocks MF? (3) The Global Fund suggestion if any It would be grateful if any other things I need to consider or modify. Thank you in advance!
Ans: Hello;

My feedback is as given below:

1. First your term life cover is not adequate. It should be enhanced to
2-3 Cr.

2. Healthcare coverage for your parents is relatively lower considering that they may be in the higher age band hence higher possibility of medical risks.

3. Emergency fund should be parked in overnight/liquid or arbitrage fund. Never in a dynamic bond fund with Macaulay duration of 3-4 years. Returns are not that important as liquidity and low risk for emergency fund.

4. Considering your age the allocation to equity is quite low. Assuming that you have a conservative risk profile still you should atleast have 40% allocation to equity mutual funds(not direct stocks) and taper it down gradually as you approach retirement age.

I mean actively managed or passive equity mutual funds and not sectoral and thematic funds(shouldn't be more then 10-15% of your equity allocation).

5. You already have exposure to global stocks through your flexicap fund. In addition to that you have 5% allocation to global stocks MF which maybe enhanced to 8%.

To maintain neutrality of this forum we are duty bound to avoid indicating fund house preference or recommendation.

6. Allocation to Gold should be max 10% of the portfolio.

7. Consider NPS for retirement planning. It's an E-E-E type of investment with very less withdrawals allowed before 60.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |118 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

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Dear Doctor, Greetings of the day. I am a married man with two daughters. Ours was an intercaste love marriage, and I was fully aware of my wife’s past before we got married. At that time, I had no issues with her past as I believed she had moved on, and I was completely fine with it. We got married in 2008, and due to my job profile, we had to live away from our hometown. My wife is a highly educated woman, and she sacrificed her career to focus on raising our children. Once our younger daughter turned 9, we decided it was time for my wife to resume her professional career. She started a naturopathy clinic in our hometown, while I continued working in another city, living the life of a “forced bachelor.” However, after a year of being apart, I started missing my family deeply. I decided to leave my job and take up another role closer to our hometown so that I could spend weekends with my family. Since then, whenever I visit home, I sense a change in my wife’s behavior and body language. Things do not feel the same between us anymore. I have observed that her ex-boyfriend, who lives near her parents’ house, is a factor in this situation. Her ex’s elder sister frequently visits my wife’s clinic, and my wife also visits her parents’ house regularly, where he is around. I feel uneasy about this because her ex is known to be a drunkard and a manipulative man who can play with her mind. On one occasion, during a family function, he approached me, seemingly about to start a conversation, but my wife made a subtle signal, and he immediately stopped. He was drunk at the time, and that incident has been stuck in my mind ever since. I am unsure how to deal with this situation or what steps to take moving forward. It is affecting my peace of mind, and I feel lost. Kindly guide me on how to approach this matter.
Ans: It’s understandable that you’re feeling uneasy and concerned about the situation. Relationships, especially long-term ones, evolve over time, and external factors can create complex dynamics. Here’s a step-by-step approach to help you navigate this:

1. Clarify Your Feelings
Reflect on what exactly is making you uncomfortable—your wife’s behavior, her interactions with her ex, or the idea that her past might be resurfacing.
Separate your assumptions from facts. It’s important to ensure your concerns are grounded in reality and not solely based on fears.
2. Open Communication with Your Wife
Choose a calm and private moment to talk to your wife. Share your feelings without accusations or judgment.
Use “I” statements, such as:
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Be honest but gentle. Aim to understand her perspective and ensure she feels safe sharing her thoughts with you.
3. Understand Her Perspective
Ask her how she’s feeling about the current state of your relationship, her work-life balance, and your family dynamics.
Inquire about her interactions with her ex’s family and clarify if they are merely coincidental or something more deliberate.
4. Establish Boundaries
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For example: “I respect your independence, but I feel uneasy about the proximity to your ex. Can we find a way to address this together?”
5. Revisit the Relationship Foundation
Long-distance and career changes can create emotional gaps. Reconnect with your wife by revisiting shared goals, dreams, and moments that brought you together.
Plan activities together, even small ones, that allow you to strengthen your bond.
6. Self-Care
Feeling lost and restless can impact your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that help you stay grounded, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling.
Seek support from trusted friends or a counselor if you need a safe space to process your feelings.
7. Consider Professional Guidance
If the situation continues to strain your relationship, couples counseling can be a constructive way to work through concerns with an objective third party.
8. Evaluate the Bigger Picture
Look at your wife’s overall behavior and commitment to the family. If her actions consistently demonstrate care and loyalty, the presence of her ex might be less significant than it feels.
Conversely, if her behavior indicates distance or secrecy, it may warrant deeper introspection and conversation.
Key Principles
Trust but Verify: While trust is essential, it’s okay to seek clarity when something feels off.
Non-Confrontational Approach: Avoid making accusations or assumptions. Focus on fostering mutual understanding.
Focus on Solutions: Work together to create a relationship environment where both of you feel secure and valued.
This is a sensitive issue, but with open communication and a collaborative approach, you can work toward restoring peace of mind and a deeper connection in your marriage.

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Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hi expert I’m a 48-year-old man from Bangalore. I am watching your videos on instagram and need your advice. Recently, I joined Instagram in search of answers to some personal, painful questions that I’ve never had the courage to discuss with anyone before. I’ve been married since 2007, and we have a 15-year-old son. Despite being in a long-term marriage, I often feel uncertain about my relationship with my wife and my family. At times, I wonder if my wife—or anyone in my family—truly loves or even cares for me. This feeling of being emotionally disconnected has led me to occasionally think that I might be better off alone, or even running away from everything. One issue I struggle with is communication with my wife. Whenever I try to discuss personal or family matters with her, she gets upset, and her anger usually leads to silence between us until I apologize. It feels like I can’t express myself openly without the fear of making things worse. This dynamic has created a barrier, and I’ve found it difficult to have meaningful conversations or resolve issues. Another complication is the lack of harmony between my wife and my family. From the early days of our marriage, my family never really accepted her, and there has always been tension. They didn’t make an effort to treat her well, and over time, it became clear that they don’t get along. As a result, there’s a deep sense of isolation for her in my family, and that only adds to the strain in our relationship. At home, I also often feel like I fail to meet expectations. My wife gets angry when things aren’t done the way she wants them to be, and I sometimes find myself unsure of how to navigate these situations. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid conflict, but in doing so, I’m unsure whether I’m making the right choices or whether I’m neglecting my own needs in the process. I’m reaching out for advice because I’m at a point where I feel lost. I’m not sure how to repair the relationships in my life or how to stop feeling so isolated. Any guidance or perspective you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. I understand how overwhelming it can feel to navigate such complex emotions and relationships, especially when you feel uncertain about where to turn for guidance. Let’s take this step-by-step to explore ways to help you find clarity and strengthen your relationships.

1. Instagram as a Starting Point, Not the Solution
It’s important to acknowledge that while platforms like Instagram can offer inspiration and helpful insights, they’re not designed for addressing deeply personal issues. Content on social media is often generalized and may lack the depth, context, and nuance needed to resolve complex challenges. What you’re experiencing deserves more personalized attention and a safe, professional space where you can explore your thoughts, emotions, and relationship dynamics in depth. Seeking professional help—such as therapy or counseling—will allow you to find tailored solutions that fit your unique circumstances.

2. Understanding Emotional Disconnect
Feeling emotionally disconnected in your marriage and questioning whether your family loves or cares for you can be incredibly painful. These feelings might not reflect the absence of love but rather difficulties in how love and care are communicated within your relationships. Emotional disconnection often stems from patterns of interaction or unmet emotional needs, which can build over time. Recognizing this can help you shift your focus from self-doubt to exploring ways to improve connection and communication with your loved ones.

3. Improving Communication with Your Wife
A recurring theme in your situation is the challenge of communication with your wife. Here are a few strategies to address this:

Choose Neutral Moments: Initiate conversations at a time when both of you are calm and free from immediate stress. Avoid starting sensitive discussions during or right after a conflict.
Express Feelings, Not Faults: Frame your concerns using “I” statements to share your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You always get upset when I talk,” you could say, “I feel hesitant to share my thoughts because I worry about upsetting you.”
Listen Actively: Show her that her perspective matters by listening without interrupting. Reflect on what she says to ensure she feels heard.
Consider Structured Check-Ins: Set aside regular time (e.g., once a week) to discuss family matters or emotions. This can create a safe space for open dialogue without the pressure of immediate resolution.
4. Addressing Family Tensions
The tension between your wife and your family has likely added significant strain to your marriage. While this dynamic is challenging, there are steps you can take to navigate it:

Acknowledge Your Wife’s Experience: Validate her feelings about her struggles with your family. Let her know that you understand how difficult it’s been for her to feel isolated.
Set Boundaries with Your Family: It’s important to prioritize your marriage while still maintaining a respectful relationship with your family. This might involve gently but firmly communicating to your family that you expect them to treat your wife with respect, even if they don’t share a close bond.
Avoid Forcing Reconciliation: Instead of trying to make your wife and family “get along,” focus on small steps to reduce tension. Highlight shared interests or goals, but respect their individual boundaries.
5. Managing Expectations and Conflicts at Home
It’s clear that you feel under pressure to meet expectations and avoid conflict at home. To navigate this:

Clarify Expectations: Have an open conversation with your wife about her specific expectations and how you can meet them without compromising your own needs. Share your expectations as well, so you both have a clearer understanding of each other’s perspectives.
Practice Self-Care: Taking care of your mental and physical health is crucial. Whether through exercise, hobbies, or relaxation techniques, find activities that help you manage stress and maintain emotional balance.
Respond, Don’t React: When conflicts arise, take a moment to pause and reflect before responding. This can help you approach the situation with calmness and clarity.
6. Seeking Professional Help
Given the complexity of your situation, seeking professional guidance could be immensely beneficial. Options include:

Marriage Counseling: A therapist can provide a neutral space where both you and your wife can work through communication challenges and emotional disconnection. This can help you rebuild trust and strengthen your bond.
Individual Therapy: If you’re feeling isolated or questioning your self-worth, therapy can help you explore these feelings, gain clarity, and develop strategies for personal growth and resilience.
Family Counseling: If you want to address the broader family dynamics, family therapy can help facilitate understanding and harmony among all parties involved.
7. Reflecting on Your Needs
Finally, take time to reflect on your own emotional needs. What do you truly want from your relationships? What makes you feel valued and loved? Communicating these needs to your wife and family can help them understand how to support you better.

A Final Thought
You’ve taken a courageous first step by acknowledging your struggles and seeking advice. While the path ahead may feel uncertain, remember that meaningful change is possible with consistent effort, patience, and the right support. You don’t have to go through this alone, and seeking professional help can provide the tools you need to rebuild connection and find peace in your relationships.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |466 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 01, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hello Mam Age 42. Double divorcee. Recently I have been meeting my old college friend & we sort of know each other for the last 2 decades. At college we were more of acquaintances & post that we were connected through social media. We would sometimes connect but not on regular basis. She is also a divorcee. However in 2024 we have been meeting quite regularly. When we meet she is very nice & has been warm with me; we go out have fun. But there are things like she keeps hiding from me. She goes on overnight tours with her 'friends' ; she never introduces me to her friends ( I mean friends with whom she goes out). I told her that I am ok with your 'friends' but she sorts of backs away. Also then there have been some unexplained gaps (she turns cold all of a sudden) & then comes out very warm. All these days & I have developed strong feelings for her. Just wanted to get your perspective on what you think is her stance towards me.
Ans: It’s possible that her past experiences have made her cautious. After going through a divorce, people often carry emotional baggage or fears about vulnerability and trust. These feelings can make someone hesitant to fully open up or commit, even if they’re genuinely interested in the connection. Her keeping parts of her life private, like her outings with friends, might be her way of maintaining control and independence as she navigates her own emotions and what she wants for her future.

Another perspective to consider is that she may be uncertain about the nature of your relationship or how she feels about moving forward. The warm and cold behavior could be a reflection of her trying to figure out her own emotions. She might enjoy spending time with you but feel hesitant about diving deeper due to unresolved feelings from her past or uncertainties about what a long-term commitment would look like.

This inconsistency might also stem from her valuing her independence and wanting to keep certain aspects of her life separate until she feels more certain about how to integrate you into those spaces. For some, introducing a new partner to close friends or family is a significant step that they might delay until they feel fully ready.

It’s important for you to approach this situation with patience and open communication. Rather than focusing on her actions as signs of rejection or disinterest, try to have a heartfelt conversation about how you feel and what you’ve observed. Share your feelings honestly and express your desire to understand her better. Ask her about her thoughts and boundaries in a way that shows you’re genuinely interested in her perspective, not just seeking answers for your own clarity.

At the same time, reflect on your own needs and expectations. Consider whether you’re comfortable with the pace and level of openness in this relationship. It’s essential to strike a balance where both of you feel valued and respected without feeling pressured or overwhelmed.

Remember that relationships, especially those formed later in life, often take time to develop deeper trust and understanding. Her actions don’t necessarily mean she’s not interested; they might just reflect her personal journey and the pace at which she’s comfortable moving. With time, communication, and mutual understanding, you can work together to determine whether your connection has the potential to grow into something more fulfilling and stable.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |466 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 03, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Meri wife ka past me 7 saal ka relationship tha lekin wo log apne ghar pe baat nahi kar paye . Wo bolti hai ki usko kb ka bhul gai hai aur mere saath pyaar karti hai kya aisa ho sakta hai, 7 saal bahut badi baat hoti hai
Ans: Jo cheez aapko ab karni chahiye, wo hai apni wife ke saath ek imaandaar aur khuli baat. Aap apne dil ki baat unse bina kisi ilzaam ke share karein, jaise ki, "Mujhe kabhi-kabhi lagta hai ki tumhare purane rishton ka asar hamare present par pad raha hoga. Main tumse is baare mein baat karna chahta hoon taaki mujhe clarity mile aur humare beech aur zyada trust ho."

Unka jawab sunte waqt unhe judge na karein. Shayad unka past ek important hissa tha, lekin iska matlab yeh nahi ki wo apne present mein apko kam mahatvapurn samajhti hain. Kai baar log apne purane jazbat ko samay ke saath puri tarah process karke unhe peeche chhod dete hain, aur yeh natural hai.

Saath hi, khud par bhi dhyan deejiyega. Apne jazbat aur insecurities ko samajhne ki koshish karein. Kai baar humein jo chinta hoti hai wo doosre ke actions ke wajah se nahi, balki humare apne assumptions ke kaaran hoti hai. Aap apne mann ko itna shant rakhne ki koshish karein ki aap apne rishte ko vishwas aur pyar ke saath aage le jaa sakein.

Agar aapko lagta hai ki aap dono ke beech in baaton ko lekar clarity aur emotional connection ki zarurat hai, to ek counselor ya therapist ki madad lena ek accha option ho sakta hai. Yeh aap dono ke rishte ko aur mazboot karne mein madad karega aur past ke koi bhi unresolved jazbat ko resolve karne ka mauka dega.

Yaad rakhiye, ek strong relationship trust, communication aur shared commitment ke bina nahi banta. Agar aap dono sach mein ek-dusre se pyaar karte hain aur ek dusre ka respect karte hain, to har muskil ka hal mil jayega.

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