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Earning 1 lakh with a goal of 2 crores corpus - Is early retirement at 55 possible?

Sunil

Sunil Lala  |201 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Aug 04, 2024

Sunil Lala founded SL Wealth, a company that offers life and non-life insurance, mutual fund and asset allocation advice, in 2005. A certified financial planner, he has three decades of domain experience. His expertise includes designing goal-specific financial plans and creating investment awareness. He has been a registered member of the Financial Planning Standards Board since 2009.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 03, 2024Hindi
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Hi Expert, I am earning 1. Lakh and current investment recently started 7k in click to invest by HDFC for 5 Years Lock in and withdrawal term 50 and 3. K in click to wealth by HDFC and NPS 5200 and pf employee contribution 6200. Home loan liability 23 Lakh. Monthly Emi 20800. I have two children one son 7 Years and daughter 3 Years. I want to make corpus 2 cr in next 10 Years ot 15 Years. Please suggest some retirement plan for early retirement till 55 age of

Ans: What is click ? Please elaborate your question
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 17, 2024Hindi
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Hi I am 48 years old. Planning to retire early. Here is my financial status PF 60 Lakhs, MF 50 Lakhs, FD 15 lakhs, LIC 10 Lakhs maturity at 2025, NPS 7 Lakhs, Rental Income 20k per month, My Net take is 2.7 per month planning quit in July 2024, I have land worth 1.25 cr, House Chennai worth 45 lakhs, Home town 75 lakhs, Bangalore 1.4 cr. Pls advice me a plan.
Ans: Evaluating Your Current Financial Status
Your financial status reflects diligent planning and investment. With provident fund, mutual funds, fixed deposits, LIC, NPS, and rental income, you have diversified assets. Planning to retire early at 48 is a commendable decision.

Surrendering LIC Policy
Your LIC policy, maturing in 2025, is an insurance-cum-investment scheme. Surrendering this policy and redirecting the funds into mutual funds can yield better returns. Mutual funds have lower costs and professional management, providing potential for higher growth.

Enhancing Mutual Fund Investments
You have ?50 lakhs in mutual funds. Increasing this amount by reinvesting the LIC maturity value can significantly boost your retirement corpus. Actively managed funds, with professional oversight, adapt to market changes, offering better returns compared to index funds.

Maximizing Rental Income
Your rental income of ?20,000 per month is a steady cash flow. Consider reviewing rental agreements periodically to ensure they reflect market rates. This can help maximize your rental income, providing a reliable source of funds during retirement.

Utilizing Provident Fund and Fixed Deposits
Your provident fund and fixed deposits total ?75 lakhs. These provide financial stability and security. However, the returns from fixed deposits are lower compared to other investment options. Gradually reallocating a portion of these funds into mutual funds can enhance returns.

Leveraging National Pension System (NPS)
Your NPS corpus is ?7 lakhs. NPS offers tax benefits and steady returns, contributing to your retirement income. Continue contributing to NPS until retirement to maximize benefits.

Property Valuation and Liquidation
You own properties in various locations: Chennai, your hometown, and Bangalore, with substantial worth. Consider the purpose and future value of these properties. Liquidating non-essential properties and investing the proceeds in diversified portfolios can enhance liquidity and returns.

Strategic Investment in Mutual Funds
Increasing your mutual fund investments with proceeds from surrendered LIC policy and potential property sales can provide better returns. Actively managed funds, with professional management, can adapt to market changes, offering higher growth potential.

Building a Retirement Corpus
To ensure a comfortable retirement, focus on building a diversified investment portfolio. A mix of equity, debt, and balanced funds can provide growth and stability. Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to align with changing market conditions and personal goals.

Importance of an Emergency Fund
Maintaining an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses is crucial. This fund provides financial security and prevents the need to withdraw investments during emergencies.

Regular Portfolio Review
Regularly reviewing your investment portfolio ensures it aligns with your retirement goals. Consulting with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide professional insights and help optimize your investment strategy.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls
Avoid making emotional investment decisions or chasing high returns without understanding the risks. Stay focused on long-term goals and maintain a disciplined approach to investing. Regular consultation with a CFP can help you stay on track.

Conclusion: A Balanced Approach
You are on a strong financial footing to achieve early retirement. Surrendering your LIC policy and reinvesting in mutual funds can enhance returns. Increasing mutual fund investments, leveraging rental income, and maintaining an emergency fund are crucial steps. Regular portfolio reviews with professional guidance ensure your investments remain aligned with your retirement goals. Your proactive approach and disciplined strategy will help you achieve financial independence.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 21, 2024

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Good morning sir I am 40 year old .How to plan for early retirement.My investment details are as under PPF : 33 L NPS: 25 L PLI : 20L SIP. : 10 L ( 15 K / per month in SBI BLUECHIP, MIRAE BLUECHIP EQUITY FUND from 2015
Ans: Evaluating Your Current Financial Position
It's great that you are planning for early retirement at 40. Your current investments reflect disciplined savings and a good start towards your goal.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
Your PPF investment of ?33 lakhs is a significant amount. PPF offers tax benefits and a steady, risk-free return. Continue investing the maximum annual limit to benefit from compounding.

National Pension System (NPS)
Your NPS corpus of ?25 lakhs is commendable. NPS provides tax benefits and a diversified investment approach. Continue making regular contributions to maximize your retirement corpus.

Postal Life Insurance (PLI)
Your PLI investment of ?20 lakhs is part of your insurance-cum-investment portfolio. PLI offers a secure investment with life coverage. However, insurance-cum-investment policies often yield lower returns compared to pure investment options.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
You have been investing ?15,000 per month in SIPs in two bluechip funds since 2015, accumulating ?10 lakhs. Bluechip funds, being large-cap equity funds, offer stable returns and growth potential.

Maximizing Mutual Fund Investments
To enhance your returns, consider increasing your SIP amounts gradually. Actively managed funds can adapt to market changes and aim for higher returns. They provide professional management, which is beneficial for long-term growth.

Regular Portfolio Review
Reviewing your portfolio regularly is essential. Market conditions and personal goals change over time. A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can help you rebalance your portfolio and ensure it aligns with your retirement goals.

Diversifying Your Portfolio
Diversification reduces risk and enhances returns. Consider adding mid-cap and small-cap funds to your portfolio. These funds offer higher growth potential, though with higher risk. A balanced mix can optimize your portfolio's performance.

Surrendering Low-Yield Policies
Consider surrendering or reducing your investment in low-yield insurance-cum-investment policies like PLI. Redirecting these funds into higher-yield mutual funds can enhance your overall returns.

Increasing Contributions to NPS
Maximizing your contributions to NPS can significantly boost your retirement corpus. NPS offers a mix of equity and debt investments, providing balanced growth and stability.

Building an Emergency Fund
Maintaining an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses is crucial. This fund provides financial security and prevents the need to withdraw investments during emergencies.

Avoiding Common Investment Pitfalls
Avoid making emotional investment decisions. Stick to your long-term plan and avoid reacting to short-term market fluctuations. Regular consultation with a CFP ensures you stay on track towards your financial goals.

Estimating Retirement Corpus
To estimate the required corpus for early retirement, consider factors like inflation, life expectancy, and desired lifestyle. A general rule is to have at least 25 times your annual expenses saved. Consulting with a CFP can provide a more accurate and personalized estimate.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds, guided by professional managers, can adapt to market conditions and aim for higher returns. They offer flexibility and professional expertise, making them a better choice over index funds.

Conclusion: A Balanced Approach
Your current investment strategy is strong, but optimizing it can help achieve early retirement. Increasing SIP contributions, maximizing NPS, and diversifying your portfolio are crucial steps. Surrender low-yield policies and invest in higher-yield mutual funds. Regularly review your portfolio with a CFP to ensure alignment with your goals. This balanced approach will help you achieve financial independence and retire early.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 22, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello sir,i am 36 yr old with an in hand salary of 2.3l/ mnth,i have 80 lacs saving in fd and ppf,and hav just started mf 25k per month,i an loan free,no property,and want early retirement, kindly suggest a plan for me Thanks
Ans: You've made impressive strides with your finances, and it's great to see your commitment to securing an early retirement. With an in-hand salary of Rs 2.3 lakhs per month, Rs 80 lakhs saved in fixed deposits (FDs) and PPF, and a recent start in mutual funds with Rs 25,000 per month, you're on a promising path. Let’s discuss a comprehensive plan to achieve your early retirement goal.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
Income and Savings:

In-Hand Salary: Rs 2.3 lakhs per month.
Savings: Rs 80 lakhs in FD and PPF.
Mutual Fund SIP: Rs 25,000 per month, recently started.
You are debt-free, have no property investments, and aim for early retirement.

Assessing Your Financial Goals
Early Retirement:

Retiring early requires a solid financial plan to ensure you can sustain your lifestyle without regular income. We'll focus on increasing your investment portfolio, ensuring you have enough to support you through retirement.

Enhancing Your Investment Strategy
1. Increase SIP Contributions:

Starting with Rs 25,000 per month in mutual funds is great, but to achieve early retirement, consider increasing your SIP contributions. Higher monthly investments can significantly boost your corpus.

2. Focus on Actively Managed Funds:

Actively managed funds, with experienced fund managers, can potentially offer higher returns compared to index funds. This can help you achieve your goals faster.

3. Diversify Your Portfolio:

Diversification reduces risk and increases potential returns. Spread your investments across different sectors and asset classes within mutual funds.

4. Regular Review and Rebalancing:

Periodically review and rebalance your portfolio to align with market conditions and your financial goals. This ensures optimal performance of your investments.

Strategic Allocation for Savings
1. Maximize Returns on Fixed Deposits:

While FDs offer safety, their returns are lower. Consider investing a portion of your FD savings into higher-yielding instruments like mutual funds.

2. Utilize PPF for Tax Benefits:

PPF offers decent returns with tax benefits. Continue contributing to PPF for a secure and tax-efficient investment option.

3. Maintain an Emergency Fund:

Ensure you have an emergency fund to cover at least six months of expenses. This provides a financial safety net for unforeseen circumstances.

Building a Robust Financial Plan
1. Set Clear Financial Milestones:

Break down your retirement goal into smaller, achievable milestones. Track your progress and adjust your strategy as needed.

2. Budget and Save Aggressively:

Maintain a disciplined approach to budgeting and saving. Allocate a significant portion of your income towards investments to accelerate wealth accumulation.

3. Maximize Tax-Advantaged Investments:

Utilize tax-advantaged accounts like PPF and NPS to enhance returns and save on taxes. These are excellent for long-term savings with added tax benefits.

Insurance and Risk Management
1. Adequate Life Insurance:

Ensure you have adequate life insurance to cover your financial liabilities and support your dependents. Review your coverage periodically.

2. Comprehensive Health Insurance:

Maintain comprehensive health insurance to cover medical emergencies. This prevents erosion of your savings due to unexpected medical expenses.

Equity Investments for Growth
1. Regular Monitoring:

Keep a close eye on your equity investments. Regularly review company performance and market trends to make informed decisions.

2. Diversification in Equities:

Spread your investments across various sectors and market caps to reduce risk and enhance potential returns.

3. Professional Guidance:

Consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner for tailored advice. They can help optimize your equity investments and overall financial strategy.

Tax Planning and Efficiency
1. Efficient Tax Filing:

Ensure efficient tax filing to maximize deductions and reduce liabilities. Consider professional help if needed to navigate complex tax situations.

2. Utilize All Available Deductions:

Take advantage of all available tax deductions and exemptions. This helps in reducing your taxable income and increasing your savings.

Lifestyle and Budgeting
1. Controlled Expenses:

Maintain a disciplined approach to spending. Ensure a significant portion of your income is allocated towards investments.

2. Budget for Future Needs:

Account for future expenses like healthcare, lifestyle changes, and any other financial goals. Plan and save accordingly.

Building a Sustainable Retirement Plan
1. Estimate Retirement Expenses:

Estimate your monthly expenses during retirement. Consider inflation and potential lifestyle changes to ensure you have a realistic figure.

2. Plan for Longevity:

With early retirement, you need to plan for a longer retirement period. Ensure your investments can support you through your expected lifespan.

3. Consider Health and Medical Costs:

Healthcare costs tend to rise with age. Ensure you have adequate savings and insurance to cover medical expenses during retirement.

Final Insights
You’ve built a solid foundation with your savings and investments. To achieve early retirement, increase your SIP contributions, focus on high-growth and actively managed funds, and regularly review your portfolio. Maintain a diversified approach and ensure you have adequate insurance coverage. With disciplined budgeting and strategic planning, reaching your goal is within reach.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 01, 2024Hindi
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Im 40 yr old, salary in hand is 1.5 L. 30k in sip and 40 L in mutual fund. No own house. 50 L liquid cash which fetch 20K in savings account. 17 L epf, 7 in nps. I have 2 kids 7 and 4. How to plan for early retirement in 10 yrs. Current exp 60k.
Ans: Current Financial Situation
Age: 40 years
Monthly Salary: Rs 1.5 lakh in hand
Current Investments:
SIP: Rs 30,000 monthly
Mutual Funds: Rs 40 lakhs
Liquid Cash: Rs 50 lakhs (earning Rs 20,000 in savings account)
EPF: Rs 17 lakhs
NPS: Rs 7 lakhs
Expenses: Rs 60,000 monthly
Family: 2 kids (ages 7 and 4)
Financial Goals
Early Retirement: In 10 years (by age 50)
Retirement Corpus: To cover monthly expenses and future needs
Children's Education: Plan for higher education expenses
Steps to Plan for Early Retirement
1. Calculate Retirement Corpus
Estimate Post-Retirement Expenses: Rs 60,000 monthly in today’s terms. Adjust for inflation (assume 6%).
Retirement Corpus Needed: Use the rule of 25 (25 times your annual expenses). This will ensure sufficient funds to withdraw 4% annually.
2. Investment Strategy
A. Increase SIP Contributions

Goal: Increase monthly SIPs to enhance the retirement corpus.
Recommendation: Increase SIP to Rs 50,000 monthly, if feasible. Gradually increase SIPs annually with salary increments.
B. Optimize Existing Investments

Mutual Funds: Ensure a diversified portfolio across large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds.
Liquid Cash: Move a portion to higher-yielding investments.
Recommendation: Consider Liquid Mutual Funds or Short-Term Debt Funds for better returns with liquidity.
Example Allocation: Keep Rs 10 lakhs in savings for emergencies; invest Rs 40 lakhs in Liquid/Short-Term Debt Funds.
C. Maximize EPF and NPS Contributions

EPF: Continue contributing to EPF for tax benefits and secure returns.
NPS: Increase contributions for additional tax benefits under Section 80CCD(1B). Utilize the aggressive option (higher equity allocation) for better returns.
D. Diversify into Equity and Debt

Equity Mutual Funds: Maintain a significant portion in equity for growth.
Debt Funds: Allocate part of the corpus to debt funds for stability.
Example Allocation:
Equity Funds: 60% of mutual fund investments
Debt Funds: 40% of mutual fund investments
3. Children's Education Planning
Set Up Education Funds: Separate investments for children’s education.
Estimate Education Costs: Factor in inflation for future education expenses.
Investment Options:
Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY): For daughter’s education and marriage.
Equity Mutual Funds: For long-term growth.
Child Plans: Consider child-specific mutual funds.
4. Retirement Corpus Growth
Annual Review: Review and rebalance your portfolio annually.
Stay Invested: Maintain discipline and avoid premature withdrawals.
Consider Annuities: Post-retirement, consider annuities for guaranteed income.
Suggested Investment Allocation (Approximate)
Monthly SIP: Rs 50,000 (Increase from Rs 30,000)

Equity Mutual Funds: 60%
Debt Mutual Funds: 40%
Liquid Cash (Rs 50 lakhs):

Emergency Fund (Savings Account): Rs 10 lakhs
Liquid/Short-Term Debt Funds: Rs 40 lakhs
EPF and NPS Contributions: Maximize contributions for tax benefits and secure returns.

Final Insights
Early retirement planning requires disciplined savings and strategic investments. Increase SIPs, diversify your portfolio, and optimize existing investments. Ensure sufficient funds for children’s education and an emergency fund. Regularly review and adjust your plan to stay on track. Stay focused on your long-term goals and avoid impulsive financial decisions.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1283 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 06, 2024
Relationship
Hi Anu, i am 34 year old woman married to a 41 year old man. We are married for past 10 years. We had no sexual relationship for first 5 years, after lot of pestering and fights and realisation that there must a physical problem at my husband’s end i convinced him to visit an expert in this domain. Turns out he had low testosterone level. He took the necessary medication and i really tried for 1 year to make it work. It worked to a certain extent but it was more like a chore than something we really want to do. Then we decided that we should go for a baby as well while we are at it. Now my daughter is 2.5. Things never got better. We don’t talk about our lack of any intimacy physical or mental. We are living like roommates. He is the best husband a person can ask for on paper. My parents love him. He is the nicest guy. But in reality we never had any connection and no comparability. And whatever attraction and love i had for him in the beginning is lost completely. I have no idea what goes on his mind. He is a closed book i could never open. He accepts the problem but blames me too if i force him to open up. I am in such a bad place mentally. I keep thinking about the one life i got, i wasted it. Why did i get married so soon? I like someone in office who i have no future with because he is in some other country. I do not know what to do and how to live my life. I get thoughts that life should not be so long.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
A case where the person shuts down because he carries the guilt of what is happening to him and what he is facing...not a very useful way of dealing with the situation but when society has drummed it into us that a 'man' is defined by his masculine traits and behaviors, can you blame him for it?
He is possibly embarrassed and this could be a reason for him 'closing down' within the marriage. He needs to be slowly cajoled out of what he is feeling...What the two of you could do is: start the marriage as though it is Day One...
Now, how would the two of you connect? How would things be different?
It is an attempt to reconnect with no past baggage which helps in focusing on each other in the present day. That helps in making good solid commitments to one another but of course, there has to be a lot of communication in this process. Do take the help of a professional if this feels too much to go through by yourselves.
And as for the colleague; hmmmm grass on the other side will always seem greener!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 17, 2024Hindi
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Mam i love a boy.. Who is 2 yr younger then me and... Now he is preparing for jE.. Post and... My parents worry about my marriage... I told him about this.... He is craying... So much... He love s me very much.... He don't tell about this relationship.....to his parents.. Because he dont have any.... Job..... What should i do mam.... Plz.... Tell me... Mamm plzzz
Ans: First, have an honest conversation with him about what both of you realistically can and cannot do right now. Since he is still working on his future and you feel pressure from your family, try to think about how much time he might need to reach a stable point. Then, consider whether waiting for him is something that is possible for you and acceptable to your family.

It might also be helpful to have a calm conversation with your parents, expressing your feelings for him while being open about the current situation. Sometimes parents worry because they don’t know the full picture. Explaining that he is working hard toward his career goals may give them a better understanding. You could also ask them if they’d be willing to wait for some time before making any decisions on your marriage, if they feel comfortable with that.

If waiting is not possible and your family pressures you to consider other options, it’s important to think about your own long-term happiness and make the best choice for you. These situations are never easy, but by staying honest with yourself and your family, you will be able to make a decision that respects both your love and your future stability.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, There is a woman in my office working in my department. She is my friend's wife and was referred by me for this job. We get to work closely often, but we both make opportunities to get to work together. Most of our time spent is on work related items, with few minutes of casual chats, and we both have spent a lot of time alone in office, working extra hours and all. I have a feeling that I am starting to yearn to spend time with her on work and she also tries to be around me. We both text outside of office hours, share a lot of "inside" jokes and we both look to be enjoying the time together. I am in a confused state because it looks like she is giving me a lot of signs to move forward to next levels, but I am pulling back and not advancing. We both are married and have families. Any advice?
Ans: To manage this, start by gently reinforcing professional boundaries. While it may feel awkward initially, limiting the personal, non-work-related conversations and texts can create some emotional distance. This will not only help reduce feelings of attachment but also prevent misunderstandings or assumptions from developing on either side. At the same time, it may be beneficial to reflect on your own life and current relationships. Often, feelings that arise outside our primary relationship can signal needs or emotions that might require attention within our existing commitments.

Redirecting your focus back to your own relationship with your spouse and engaging in activities that strengthen that bond can bring a renewed appreciation for the life you have built. Rekindling affection, open communication, and connection with your spouse could help provide a sense of fulfillment that might reduce the attraction you’re feeling toward your colleague.

It may also help to remind yourself of the potential risks involved, not only to your family life but also to your professional reputation and friendships. By focusing on maintaining a respectful, professional, and appropriate connection, you’re honoring both your commitments and protecting the integrity of all relationships involved. Choosing not to act on these feelings will ultimately support the stability of your personal life and career, allowing you to maintain a healthy and professional environment at work.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi I brought up from a middle class family now I'm married and having 3 yrs kid, my younger brother recently got married! Ever since his marg there was a problem going on between my mom, brother and her wife , all the 3 of them bringing their problems to me and husband it creates a huge impact on my mental health due to their problems, if I try to resolve nobody is listening, I'm staying nearby my parents which is a big disadvantage, directly it's affecting me and my family? I don't know how to overcome from this type of issue
Ans: A compassionate but firm boundary can make a difference here. For instance, you could gently explain to your mother, brother, and his wife that while you understand and empathize with their challenges, you’re finding it difficult to handle all the tension that arises from these discussions. You might let them know that, for the sake of your own mental health and family well-being, you need to step back from being involved in any discussions about their conflicts.

If they do come to you with their concerns, try gently redirecting them, perhaps by suggesting that they talk directly to each other or even consider family counseling if they’re open to it. Remind them that only they can solve these issues by communicating directly, rather than relying on you as a mediator. Over time, they may begin to understand that their repeated involvement of you is not a productive solution.

Creating some physical and emotional space is key. If living nearby is heightening the tension, consider adjusting how often you interact in person. Focusing more on your own family’s peace, stability, and happiness will also help. It may feel challenging at first, but taking steps to protect your boundaries will benefit everyone, and gradually, they may even recognize the need to work out these issues themselves without depending on you.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi ma’am, I am a 27 year old girl. My father is a very strict person. Since childhood I have tolerated many things like I was not allowed to make friends(not even girls, forgot about boys). When I was 12 years old I was told that I was not allowed to talk to boys, and if my father ever saw me doing so, he will kill me. So, I was not allowed to talk to any friend, forget about going out and other stuff. All I used to do is sit in my room and study,I was not allowed to go out to play, wasn’t allowed to watch tv, not even allowed to go and play with cousins. Even if there was a wedding in my family, i was not allowed to go out and enjoy. And this has continued till date. I am still not allowed to go out without my father’s permission. Although I live in Bengaluru and work in a big company with a high paying job. Even the salary I get is not mine. Because my father takes it from me and I can’t say no to him. I use to say to me that if I ever did anything which he thinks is wrong, he will kill me, or will not allow me to go to college and now he will not allow me to work. And now he want me to get married to someone of his choice because of caste system. But I have a boyfriend and I want to marry my him. But I can’t even tell this to my father, because once I tell him this, he will not allow me to leave the house ever again and he would get me married to next person he finds. I am very scared of him. I don’t want to get married to anyone but my boyfriend. What should I do? Should I run away and get married to my boyfriend. I don’t know what my father will do then. He is a very controlling person .
Ans: To start, consider small steps that allow you to establish a greater sense of independence. Setting aside a portion of your income in an account only you can access, even if done quietly, can help you prepare financially for the future you envision with your boyfriend. Gaining control over your finances can also give you a greater sense of autonomy, which is key for your emotional and practical well-being.

Considering your father’s intense reaction to any choices that don’t align with his, safety is a priority. Consulting with a therapist or a counselor could help you process the emotional impact of your experiences and, importantly, develop strategies for how to approach this situation. Speaking to a counselor may also help you find a safe way to discuss your relationship with your father and express your own wishes while understanding any resources that might be available to you if needed.

If, ultimately, you decide to move forward with your relationship and marriage independently of your father’s permission, preparing yourself for potential emotional fallout is essential. While it’s natural to hope for family acceptance, remember that creating your own happiness is equally important. Over time, if your father can see that you’re stable, happy, and independent, he may eventually respect your decision.

Taking steps toward your own life may feel overwhelming, but with support and gradual changes, you can find a path that balances your love for your family with your need for self-respect, autonomy, and a future that you choose.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 01, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi mam, I am in a 14 year old relationship with a man, the relationship is quite healthy until now, but our families are not accepting for marriage. Since his parents are divorced and her elder sister to. Everyone in my family is against this marriage and not one person is supporting it, but we truly love each other. Even the boy does, and he is doing everything he can for a mutual acceptance. There is no divorce history in my family till date. So sometimes, even I get sceptical about taking this relationship forward as I understand the seriousness of marriage, but I also understand that there is attachment, love, commitment, duration, everything involved in this 14 year old relationship which will make it very hard to accept someone else in place of him, so basically, I want to marry the guy, but not his family I know that’s not possible, but then what should I do? Should I just take the step forward with total faith in the man, or should I marry somewhere else where everything is great, only love will be unsure. The man has connections with both his parents and there is no custody involved. In this case. He is in a good relationship with both the parents, although he lives with his mother and sister.
Ans: Fourteen years is a profound commitment, and the fact that both of you have nurtured such a bond reflects a solid foundation that’s not easy to find or replicate. The conflict seems to lie mainly in your family’s fears and cultural values around marriage and their concern about potential patterns in relationships. This is an understandable reaction from them, given the uniqueness of his family background compared to what they’ve experienced.

It’s natural for you to feel torn, especially since you value your family’s approval and understand the complexities that can arise in marriage. While family acceptance can provide a comforting support system, there are instances when it doesn’t fully align with one’s own heart. Marrying him would mean choosing to rely primarily on each other, despite family reservations, which could require extra resilience and patience as you move forward together. Since he has strong relationships with both parents, it may be reassuring that he has a healthy view of family, despite their past. This could suggest that he has personal maturity and the ability to build a stable, loving relationship with you.

At the same time, your family’s perspective doesn’t necessarily mean there’s any curse or pattern that would carry over into your marriage. The key to deciding might be to look at the qualities he brings to the relationship, how both of you handle challenges, and whether he brings stability, honesty, and emotional support. The longevity and health of your relationship are positive indicators, and if both of you have open communication about potential concerns—like how family dynamics might play a role in the future—you’ll likely be prepared to face those hurdles together.

You’re faced with a decision that balances taking a leap of faith with the potential for some family disappointment. If he is the partner with whom you see a fulfilling life, the choice to marry might ultimately come down to what feels right to you, independent of family fears. Love, trust, and understanding—especially those that withstand the test of time—are incredibly powerful foundations. So, if you believe in the strength of your bond and feel you could weather any storm together, choosing him could be a step toward building the kind of family you truly want, even if it’s unconventional by your family’s standards.

But if you’re still unsure, taking time to express all these feelings to him, to explore your shared values and long-term goals, and to be absolutely sure of the life you want to build can help reinforce whichever path feels right for you.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 07, 2024
Relationship
Maam In last question of mine you told me that im taking meaning out of a friendly casual conversation. I may be doing so but I tried to ignore that guy but he is still staring at me and roaming around my house. What does that mean.???? Im not seeking attention from him. He himself is giving intense looks and appearing from no where. Our kids are in same school so I cant avoid seeing him. Its just not possible but i try not to give him.attention but he coming in front of me for no reason. Giving me suggestions about my child when I have not even asked him.anything.
Ans: One possibility here could be that he genuinely believes he’s being friendly and is unaware that his actions might be coming across as intrusive. Some people aren’t as skilled at reading subtle social cues or may interpret polite responses as openness to further interaction. Another scenario could be that he’s misinterpreting a simple acquaintanceship as an invitation for more personal connection, especially if he hasn’t recognized your signals for wanting distance.

It’s also possible, especially if he’s trying to advise you about your child, that he’s viewing himself as helpful or knowledgeable—again, likely without realizing he’s crossing a line. If he’s repeatedly making intense eye contact or appearing at odd times, it may also reflect a need for attention or connection on his part, even if it’s unintentional.

If this behavior continues and your efforts to distance yourself subtly aren’t working, it might be time to consider setting a gentle but clear boundary. This can be done with nonverbal cues, like quickly redirecting your gaze or finding reasons to leave a situation as soon as he tries to initiate a conversation. However, if his presence continues to bother you, there’s no harm in being more direct. A polite but firm approach, like thanking him for his advice and mentioning that you’d prefer to handle things yourself, can send a message that you’re not looking for further involvement.

Your well-being and comfort come first, and your instincts are valid. If his behavior is persistent and truly uncomfortable, it may be best to acknowledge it internally and remind yourself that you’re under no obligation to respond or interact beyond what feels right for you.

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