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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 17, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Parag Question by Parag on Apr 24, 2024Hindi
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I am 48 , two kids aged 19 and 12. I want to retire at 50. I have my own house fully paid off. I have investments/savings of 4.5 Cr in real estate, PF,PPF and Stocks (Out of that, 2.5 Cr is in real estate other than house I own) I get rental income of 50k per month.My current expense is 1.5 lacs. How do I plan my retirement

Ans: Retirement Planning for Financial Security
As a Certified Financial Planner, I understand your goal of retiring at 50 and ensuring financial security for yourself and your family. Let's outline a retirement plan tailored to your needs and circumstances.


I commend your proactive approach to retirement planning, which is essential for achieving financial independence and peace of mind.

Retirement Planning Strategy
Assessing Current Assets:
Real Estate: 2.5 Cr (excluding primary residence)
PF, PPF, Stocks: 2 Cr
Rental Income: 50k/month
Current Expenses: 1.5 lacs/month
Considerations:
Real Estate: Illiquid and may not provide immediate liquidity during retirement.
Direct Stocks: Riskier due to market fluctuations and lack of diversification.
Retirement Plan:
Evaluate Real Estate Holdings:

Assess the potential for selling a portion of your real estate investments to generate liquidity for retirement.
Consider retaining properties with stable rental income and selling those with lower yields or higher maintenance costs.
Diversify Investments:

Allocate a portion of the proceeds from real estate sales and stocks towards diversified investment options such as mutual funds (MFs).
Choose MFs with a balanced allocation across asset classes to manage risk effectively.
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP):

Utilize SWP from MF investments to create a steady stream of retirement income.
Determine a withdrawal rate that meets your income needs while ensuring sustainability of your portfolio.
Emergency Fund:

Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of living expenses to cover unforeseen expenses during retirement.
Review and Adjust:

Periodically review your retirement plan to account for changes in financial goals, market conditions, and personal circumstances.
Adjust asset allocation and withdrawal strategy as needed to maintain financial stability and meet evolving needs.
Conclusion and Recommendation
To achieve a secure retirement at 50, consider reallocating a portion of your real estate and stock investments into MFs to create a diversified portfolio with liquidity. Implement a SWP strategy to generate regular retirement income while preserving capital for the future. Regularly review and adjust your retirement plan to ensure it remains aligned with your financial objectives and lifestyle needs.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 27, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 45 yr old, with EPF of 45L, kids plan of 12L PPF of 18L, no housing loan and stocks of 70Lacs.. how do I plan for my retirement. My earnings are 3lac and want to retire by 50
Ans: Planning for Early Retirement: A Holistic Approach
Congratulations on your financial journey so far! Your decision to plan for early retirement at 50 is commendable. Let’s walk through a comprehensive strategy to ensure your retirement is both comfortable and secure.

Assessing Your Current Financial Health
You've laid a strong foundation with diverse investments. Here’s a summary of your assets:

EPF (Employee Provident Fund): Rs 45 lakh
Kids’ Education Plan: Rs 12 lakh
PPF (Public Provident Fund): Rs 18 lakh
Stocks: Rs 70 lakh
Being debt-free, especially without a housing loan, is a great position. It allows you to focus on building your wealth further.

Estimating Future Financial Needs
Estimating future expenses is crucial. Consider factors like inflation, healthcare costs, and potential lifestyle changes post-retirement. Currently, your earnings are Rs 3 lakh per month. Post-retirement, aim to replace at least 70% of this income to maintain a comfortable lifestyle. Calculate your expected monthly expenses and include a buffer for unexpected costs.

Diversification and Risk Management
Your investment diversification is commendable. However, it requires ongoing assessment. As you near retirement, transitioning from stocks to mutual funds can help mitigate risk. Mutual funds offer professional management and diversification, which can be particularly beneficial in volatile markets.

Transitioning from Stocks to Mutual Funds
Stocks can be volatile, especially as you approach retirement. Gradually shifting to mutual funds can help secure your retirement corpus. Mutual funds, especially actively managed ones, are overseen by experts who can adapt to market changes and aim for stable returns. This transition should be done gradually to balance growth and stability.

Maximizing Your EPF and PPF
EPF and PPF are pillars of your long-term savings due to their tax benefits and stable returns. Continue maximizing your contributions to these accounts. EPF provides security and steady growth, while PPF offers risk-free returns and tax benefits under Section 80C.

Enhancing Your Kids’ Education Fund
Your kids' education plan is at Rs 12 lakh, which is a good start. However, education costs are rising. Consider increasing this corpus. Invest in diversified funds with a moderate risk profile. Actively managed funds can be a good choice here, offering professional management and potential for higher returns.

Health Insurance: A Priority
Health expenses can significantly impact your retirement funds. Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage. Review your current policy and consider increasing the coverage to safeguard against rising medical costs.

Building an Emergency Fund
An emergency fund is essential. Aim to save at least 6 to 12 months' worth of living expenses. This fund should be easily accessible and will protect you against unforeseen expenses without disrupting your investment strategy.

Structuring Your Stock Portfolio
Your stock portfolio is substantial at Rs 70 lakh. Regularly review your holdings to ensure a balanced approach across different sectors and market capitalizations. As mentioned, gradually transition from direct stock investments to actively managed mutual funds. These funds benefit from professional expertise and research, offering potentially better risk-adjusted returns.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio. Ensure it aligns with your risk tolerance and retirement goals. Rebalancing helps capture gains and reduces exposure to underperforming assets.

Planning for Inflation
Inflation erodes purchasing power over time. Your retirement corpus must grow faster than inflation. Actively managed funds often outpace inflation and provide better real returns. Regularly update your financial plan to reflect current inflation rates.

Retirement Corpus Calculation
Calculate the corpus needed for a comfortable retirement by considering life expectancy, inflation, and desired lifestyle. Use financial planning tools or consult a Certified Financial Planner to get accurate estimates. This will help in setting a clear savings target.

Creating a Withdrawal Strategy with SWP
Plan a systematic withdrawal strategy for your retirement funds to ensure a steady income stream while preserving your corpus. A Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) can be highly beneficial. SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount at regular intervals, providing a steady cash flow and tax efficiency. It also helps in managing market risks and ensures your corpus lasts longer.

Continuous Learning and Adaptation
Stay informed about financial markets and investment opportunities. Financial planning is dynamic. Adapt your strategy based on changing economic conditions and personal circumstances.

Retirement Goals and Dreams
Retirement is not just about financial security. It’s about achieving your dreams and enjoying life. Plan activities and goals you want to pursue post-retirement. Whether it’s travel, hobbies, or spending time with family, having clear goals will keep you motivated and focused.

Seeking Professional Guidance
While you are managing well, professional guidance can enhance your strategy. A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide personalized advice, considering your unique circumstances and goals. Regular consultations can keep your plan on track.

Tax Planning
Effective tax planning can significantly impact your retirement corpus. Understand the tax implications of your investments. Opt for tax-efficient investments. Utilize all available tax benefits to maximize your savings.

Preparing for Market Volatility
Market volatility is inevitable. Prepare a strategy to handle market downturns. Diversify your investments and avoid panic selling. Long-term investment in actively managed funds can help navigate market fluctuations effectively.

Estate Planning
Ensure your estate planning is in order. Create a will and consider setting up trusts if necessary. This secures your assets and ensures your wishes are honored.

Maintaining Financial Discipline
Maintain financial discipline throughout your pre-retirement phase. Avoid unnecessary expenses and impulsive investments. Stick to your financial plan and review it periodically.

Conclusion
Your current financial health is robust. With careful planning and disciplined execution, you can achieve your goal of retiring by 50. Diversify, review, and adapt your investments. Focus on tax efficiency and inflation protection. Seek professional guidance when needed. Your dedication to securing a comfortable future is commendable. Continue on this path with confidence and clarity.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 03, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi i am 39 year old my in hand salary after tax is 51 lpm I have fixed deposit worth 80 lac ppf of 34 lac, I have own flat fully paid, mutual fund around 13 lac,10 lac emergency fund, my wife housewife and son is 3 year old, what can I do to plan my retirement my current yearly expense is around 9 lacs and I don't have any loan
Ans: Planning for retirement is crucial, and it's wonderful that you're thinking ahead. Let's create a comprehensive plan to ensure a comfortable and secure retirement for you and your family. I'll guide you through the steps and strategies needed, addressing various aspects of your financial situation.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
You have a strong financial foundation, which is great. Your current financial assets include:

Fixed Deposit: Rs. 80 lakh
PPF: Rs. 34 lakh
Mutual Funds: Rs. 13 lakh
Emergency Fund: Rs. 10 lakh
Fully Paid Flat
Your annual expenses are Rs. 9 lakh, and you have no loans. With these details in mind, we can create a solid retirement plan.

Setting Retirement Goals
First, let's set clear retirement goals. This includes determining the age you wish to retire, estimating your post-retirement expenses, and accounting for inflation.

Retirement Age: Let's assume you plan to retire at 60.
Post-Retirement Expenses: Estimating your expenses to increase with inflation, let's assume Rs. 12 lakh annually.
Your current expenses of Rs. 9 lakh will likely increase over time due to inflation. Planning for increased expenses ensures you won't fall short of funds during retirement.

Building a Retirement Corpus
To ensure a comfortable retirement, you need to build a substantial retirement corpus. Given your current financial assets and future goals, let's discuss how to achieve this.

Mutual Funds: A Key Investment
Mutual funds are a crucial part of your investment strategy. They offer diversification, professional management, and the potential for higher returns. Let's explore the categories of mutual funds and their benefits:

1. Equity Mutual Funds
Equity mutual funds invest in stocks. They have the potential for high returns but come with higher risk.

2. Debt Mutual Funds
Debt mutual funds invest in bonds and fixed income securities. They are safer but offer lower returns compared to equity funds.

3. Balanced or Hybrid Funds
These funds invest in both equity and debt, providing a balance of risk and return.

Advantages of Mutual Funds
Diversification: Mutual funds spread investments across various assets, reducing risk.
Professional Management: Experts manage your investments, aiming for the best returns.
Liquidity: You can easily buy or sell mutual fund units.
Compounding: Reinvesting returns can lead to significant growth over time.
Risk and Power of Compounding
Mutual funds come with market risks. However, long-term investments usually balance out short-term market fluctuations. The power of compounding significantly boosts your corpus over time. By reinvesting your returns, your money grows faster.

Disadvantages of Index Funds and Direct Funds
While index funds track market indices and come with lower fees, they lack the active management that can potentially outperform the market. Direct funds may save on commissions, but investing through a certified financial planner (CFP) provides valuable guidance and better fund selection.

Investing in Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds, chosen by an experienced CFP, often outperform index funds. A CFP’s expertise helps in selecting funds tailored to your financial goals and risk tolerance.

Structuring Your Investments
Now, let's structure your investments to build a robust retirement corpus.

Emergency Fund
You already have a Rs. 10 lakh emergency fund. Keep this in a liquid or ultra-short-term debt fund to ensure quick access.

Fixed Deposits and PPF
Your fixed deposit and PPF are safe investments. However, their returns may not outpace inflation in the long term. Consider moving a portion into higher-yielding investments like mutual funds.

Diversifying Your Mutual Fund Portfolio
Diversification is key. Spread your investments across various mutual funds:

Equity Funds: Allocate a significant portion to equity funds for higher returns.
Debt Funds: Invest in debt funds for stability and income.
Balanced Funds: Include balanced funds to mitigate risk while aiming for growth.
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Investing through SIPs ensures disciplined investing and rupee cost averaging. This strategy reduces the impact of market volatility.

Reviewing and Rebalancing Your Portfolio
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio. This ensures your investments stay aligned with your goals and risk tolerance. A CFP can provide ongoing guidance and adjustments.

Tax Planning
Effective tax planning maximizes your returns. Utilize tax-saving instruments and plan withdrawals to minimize tax liabilities.

Insurance Coverage
Ensure you have adequate insurance coverage:

Life Insurance: Protect your family’s future with sufficient life insurance.
Health Insurance: Adequate health insurance covers medical emergencies without draining your savings.
Retirement Income Streams
Plan for multiple income streams during retirement:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Use SWPs from mutual funds for regular income.
Dividends: Invest in dividend-paying funds or stocks.
Part-Time Work: Consider part-time work or consultancy for additional income.
Estate Planning
Estate planning ensures your assets are distributed as per your wishes. Prepare a will and consider trusts for efficient transfer of wealth.

Final Insights
Planning for retirement involves a multi-faceted approach. By diversifying your investments, utilizing mutual funds, and planning for tax efficiency, you can build a substantial retirement corpus. Regular reviews and adjustments with a CFP ensure you stay on track to achieve your retirement goals.

Conclusion
Planning your retirement requires careful consideration of various factors. By following the outlined strategies, you can ensure a comfortable and secure retirement for you and your family. Regularly consulting with a CFP will help you stay on track and make informed decisions.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Requesting you, to help me, regarding midcap 150 etf of mirae asset midcap 150 etf for longterm through SIP
Ans: Let us review the suitability of investing in a mid-cap 150 ETF for the long term via SIP.

Understanding ETFs and Their Characteristics
Passive Management: Midcap ETFs replicate an index like the Nifty Midcap 150.

Cost Efficiency: They offer lower expense ratios compared to actively managed funds.

No Active Decision Making: They do not try to outperform the market but track the index.

Volatility Concerns: Midcap indices are more volatile than large-cap indices.

Returns Depend on Index: The ETF's performance mirrors the performance of its benchmark.

Disadvantages of Investing in Midcap ETFs
Lack of Active Management
Mid-cap stocks are highly volatile.

Active fund managers can adjust portfolios to limit risks during downturns.

ETFs lack this flexibility, as they strictly follow the index composition.

Limited Flexibility in Rebalancing
Market conditions often demand sector rotation or stock-specific decisions.

Actively managed funds adapt to such conditions, but ETFs cannot.

Tracking Errors
ETFs may not perfectly replicate the index due to tracking errors.

This can affect returns, especially over the long term.

Why Actively Managed Funds May Be Better
Fund Manager Expertise
Skilled managers can outperform the index by selecting high-growth stocks.

They can mitigate risks in falling markets through tactical decisions.

Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not limited to a predefined basket of stocks.

Managers can select fundamentally strong stocks beyond the index.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds have historically outperformed midcap indices over long periods.

This makes them a better choice for wealth creation in the mid-cap segment.

Recommendations for Long-Term Mid-Cap Investments
Diversify: Include actively managed mid-cap funds instead of relying solely on an ETF.

Professional Guidance: Invest in regular plans via a Certified Financial Planner.

Monitor Performance: Review fund performance every 6–12 months.

Manage Risk: Avoid overexposure to mid-cap investments due to their volatility.

Final Insights
While Mirae Asset Midcap 150 ETF is a low-cost option, it has limitations.

Active mid-cap funds can better navigate market volatility.

They provide the flexibility and expertise required for wealth creation.

For long-term SIPs, consider balanced exposure to actively managed funds. This ensures both growth and risk management over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Money
Dear sir, I am 50 years old and working in private sector MNC 1.5 Lakhs on hand. My job security is very less. I have two kids aged 18, 14 years old. My wife is housewife. I have 80L in Mutual funds and 20L in stocks, Bank deposits 40L. I am investing in SIP in below Mutual funds all direct growth around 57000 pm. CR Bule chip fund, MA Large and Midcap, HDFC smallcap each 5000 pm (15000) step up 2000 every 6months. Invesco Infra, JM Value fund, Nippon India Multicap, Small cap, Parag parekh Flexi cap, Quant Small cap, Mid cap each 6000 pm (42000), all these SIPs started recently from June 2024. Some Lumpsum in Axis smallcap 6L, Bandan core Equity 3L, CR Smallcap 8L, DSP smallcap 4L,HSBC Flexicap 3.5, HSBC Smallcap 3L, ICICI Pru Infra 3.5L, Value discovery 3L, Invesco Large & Midcap 2L, JM Flexicap 1L, Motilal Oswal Midcap 8L, SBI Bluechip 7L, Infrastructure 2L, Sundaram Smallcap 3L My expenses per month are 1.2 Lakh. I don't have loans/EMIs. Please advice me for my retirement life which need at least 1.5L per month, my kids education expenses, and also advice to my Portfolio. Thanks and regards, Yours sincerely, Purushotham Thati
Ans: Your current portfolio and investment habits show a good start. Let us evaluate your financial standing, address your goals, and provide suggestions for optimisation.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh and expenses of Rs. 1.2 lakh. This leaves a surplus of Rs. 30,000 per month.

Investment Corpus: Your existing corpus includes Rs. 80 lakh in mutual funds, Rs. 20 lakh in stocks, and Rs. 40 lakh in bank deposits.

SIP Contributions: You are investing Rs. 57,000 monthly across multiple mutual funds.

Lump Sum Investments: You have allocated significant lump sums to small-cap, flexi-cap, and thematic funds.

Goals: Your goals include securing Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly for retirement and funding your children's education.

Planning for Retirement
Corpus Required
You aim for Rs. 1.5 lakh per month during retirement.

Factor in inflation to estimate future monthly expenses.

The current corpus and SIPs must grow consistently to meet this goal.

Recommendations
Maintain a balanced allocation between equity and debt for steady growth.

Avoid excessive concentration in small-cap and thematic funds, which are volatile.

Increase exposure to balanced and flexi-cap funds for stability.

Planning for Children’s Education
Current Needs
Your children are aged 18 and 14, which implies upcoming higher education expenses.

Plan for expenses within the next 4–8 years.

Recommendations
Create a dedicated education fund for both children.

Use debt-oriented hybrid funds or short-term debt funds for near-term goals.

Ensure part of your mutual fund corpus is earmarked for this purpose.

Portfolio Review and Suggestions
Strengths of the Portfolio
Disciplined SIP Investments: Investing Rs. 57,000 monthly shows financial discipline.

Diversification: Exposure to various categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds.

Areas for Improvement
Excessive Small-Cap Allocation: High exposure to small-cap funds increases volatility.

Thematic Fund Overlap: Thematic funds like infrastructure may lead to concentration risks.

Direct Fund Investments: Direct funds lack professional guidance and ongoing monitoring.

Portfolio Optimisation
Consolidate funds to reduce over-diversification and improve focus.

Shift some SIPs to balanced advantage or hybrid funds for stability.

Review and replace underperforming funds periodically.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner to benefit from professional advice.

Optimising Lumpsum Investments
Review the performance of your lump sum investments.

Redeploy underperforming small-cap and thematic funds into balanced funds.

Keep a portion of your bank deposits in liquid funds for emergencies.

Avoid high allocations to sectoral or cyclical funds due to their dependency on market conditions.

Tax Planning
Long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions considering these rules to minimise tax liabilities.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Maintain at least 6–12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.

This ensures financial security given your low job security.

Allocate Rs. 15–20 lakh from your bank deposits for this purpose.

Recommendations for SIPs
Reduce exposure to small-cap and thematic funds.

Increase allocation to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Consider balanced advantage funds to manage market volatility.

Step-up SIPs only after assessing fund performance.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong, but optimisation is essential.

Prioritise stability and diversification in your portfolio.

Allocate funds separately for retirement and children’s education.

Maintain a robust emergency fund to handle uncertainties.

Seek professional advice to streamline and monitor your investments.

Consistent review and disciplined investing will help you achieve financial independence and secure your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |807 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
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Retiremen advice I am 50 yrs old single with recurring and chronic health issues. I would like to retire and I have 2 crore in FD 1 crore in stock and mutual funds I also own a home and a flat both are free of debt. Please advice me to restructure my assets and have a peaceful retirement. My tax consultant told me I can get up to 3 lakhs per month with 3 cr invested in stocks and mutual funds How realistic is it possible and how to montage the downside risks associated with it. I had been a victim of Franklin Templeton debt funds during covid and I do not trust Mutual funds houses or its manages as before.
Ans: Hello;

It is impossible to get 3 L per month with 3 Cr corpus in mutual funds, unless you are ready to deplete the corpus completely over 10-12 years.

Since you were impacted with Franklin Templeton debt funds issue earlier, I recommend you to buy an immediate annuity from a life insurance company for a sum of 2.8 Cr.

You may chose annuity for life with return of purchase price to your nominee.

It may yield you a post tax monthly income of around 1.1 L+.

After fulfilling your regular expenses you may begin a monthly sip of 10-15 K in any equity fund.

The corpus that this investment will generate over 10-15 years may be used to top-up annuity and hence monthly payouts to account for rise in the inflation.

You may keep balance 20 L corpus in savings account as emergency fund.

Although the Franklin Templeton debt fund issue was difficult for the unitholders of those funds, the alacrity and surgical precision with which SEBI handled that issue and ensured all investors get their money back was commendable.

We cannot control human behaviour but we have extremely robust system of checks and balances in regulation of our MF industry to safeguard investor interests at all costs even if some negative event occurs.

Seek help from a mutual fund distributor or an investment advisor for help, if required.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1413 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1413 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Relationship
Hi, I Am 26(M). I had an arranged marriage, my wife had a pre-marital affair which continued even after our engagement and for 9 months of marriage. According to my wife, she met him once and he wanted to have sex but my wife didn't do it. (The used to chat on Instagram). I found out today after 2 years of marriage. And we just had a baby. My wife asked me to use Instagram after we got engaged, but I refused because I was afraid it would have a bad effect on her. I don't even use it cause I know what can go wrong. When I caught her red-handed and saw the man's chats, I took her phone. And then I had read a little chat, then my wife came to me and said that she had to call our maid. I gave her the phone and she not only spoke on the phone but also deleted the chats with the guy. My eyes were closed when she spoke to maid on the phone. Cause I was so tired. Then I asked my wife to talk to him in front of me because I wanted to teach him a lesson and find his fiancée and tell her the truth. I'm very loyal to my wife. And she was my world. I've never had a girlfriend. I am open minded and I had asked my wife before the engagement, after the engagement on the phone and even after the marriage that if she had a past, I will accept it. My wife messaged him and he asked her talk on video call. The guy also knows that we have just had a baby who is not even 1 month old. I turned on the screen recording of the video call and gave it to my wife. In that screen recording, my wife texted the guy and told him to talk carefully cause I was sitting in front of her and then deleted the message with option of 'delete for you' on Instagram. This is how my wife cheated on me 2 times even after being caught. She told me that she loved me later on. And she took great care of me. She brought me out of depression. She did everything and I also loved her with all my heart and did everything for her. Right now she is saying I forgive her and she wants to live with me like before. She apologized a ton as well. But I don't know what to do at the moment. After so many lies, I can't trust her easily. She has a habit of lying in small things as well. I want to live with her, she was my support, my mother is not even there. when I was 12 years old... Now what do I do? Please kindly guide me!
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
Yes, you feel like your trust has been broken. Is it easy to build back that trust? Yes and No...Yes, if you wish to...No, if you don't wish to...
If you go back in time and play the same story about how you wife was on Instagram and how she 'cheated' on you, there is no way that you can put your marriage back together.
How are you open-minded when an Instagram account causes you to fear what will happen? I can understand that you are a person with no past girlfriends but people do come with a past. Now, your wife could have shared her past with you, but most women seem to not want to for fear of reaction from the men like you have now. I can see that all this has hurt you, but if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to drop all the past baggage, yours and your wife's and start afresh. Which means taking things for what it is NOW at face value without doubting it.
Can you do that? My suggestion would be: make an honest attempt at it. But warn yourself against going back in to the past otherwise there will be more mud throwing and no solution in sight.
Start new, Start afresh...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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