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38-year-old earning 125k monthly seeks advice on 11.6 lakh diversified MF portfolio - Overdiversification, Overlap, and Fund Selection

Ulhas

Ulhas Joshi  | Answer  |Ask -

Mutual Fund Expert - Answered on Aug 30, 2024

With over 16 years of experience in the mutual fund industry, Ulhas Joshi has helped numerous clients choose the right funds and create wealth.
Prior to joining RankMF as CEO, he was vice president (sales) at IDBI Asset Management Ltd.
Joshi holds an MBA in marketing from Barkatullah University, Bhopal.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 29, 2024Hindi
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Dear Sir I am 38 years old with monthly salary around 125k, doing Sip since last year, my current Sip is 57k per month as below, 10k - SBI Nifty 50 index 3k - Motilal oswal Nsdaq 100 FOF 5K - DSP Nifty next 50 index 4k - Nippon india small cap 5k - Motilal oswal mid cap 3.5k - Quant mid cap 7k - ICICI bluechip 3.5k Mirae Asset large cap 3.5k - Parag parikh flexicap 4.5k - Canara robeco emerging equity 3k - HDFC multicap 3k - ICICI manufacturing fund 2k - ICICI Bharat 22 FOF Current mutual fund portfolio is 5 Lakh and 6 Lakhs are invested in direct stocks, also I have incresed my EPF to 100%.. All are direct fund. Could you please check and suggest if I have done over diversification and which funds might be overlapping, also which fund I need to leave and stay....I have long term horizon of 20+ years

Ans: Hello & thanks for writing to me. I will only comment on mutual funds in this section.

Your fund selection is good, but given your horizon of 20+ years, you may consider investing more aggressively in multicap funds, flexicap funds and small & mid cap funds thru the SIP route.

Small & mid cap funds can generate higher returns than large cap funds. You will get the exposure to large cap stocks via the investments in multicap & flexicap schemes.
Asked on - Dec 20, 2024 | Not Answered yet
Dear Sir, Could you please suggest which funds might be overlapping and need to exit, which funds to keep.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8164 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 27, 2024Hindi
Money
Dear Sir I am 38 years old with monthly salary around 125k, doing Sip since last year, my current Sip is 57k per month as below, 10k - SBI Nifty 50 index 3k - Motilal oswal Nsdaq 100 FOF 5K - DSP Nifty next 50 index 4k - Nippon india small cap 5k - Motilal oswal mid cap 3.5k - Quant mid cap 7k - ICICI bluechip 3.5k Mirae Asset large cap 3.5k - Parag parikh flexicap 4.5k - Canara robeco emerging equity 3k - HDFC multicap 3k - ICICI manufacturing fund 2k - ICICI Bharat 22 FOF Current mutual fund portfolio is 5 Lakh and 6 Lakhs are invested in direct stocks, also I have incresed my EPF to 100%.. All are direct fund. Could you please check and suggest if I have done over diversification and which funds might be overlapping, also which fund I need to leave and stay....I have long term horizon of 20+ years.
Ans: Your portfolio showcases a commendable commitment to wealth creation. You're investing Rs. 57,000 monthly through SIPs and have diversified across various mutual funds and direct stocks. With Rs. 5 lakh in mutual funds and Rs. 6 lakh in direct stocks, you’re on a solid path for long-term financial growth.

You have chosen to allocate 100% of your EPF contributions, which is a prudent decision given the tax benefits and guaranteed returns that EPF offers.

Let’s assess the diversification, overlap, and identify areas for improvement to streamline your investments.

Diversification Assessment
Your portfolio covers a range of equity segments, including large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds. This diversification is generally positive for risk management. However, there is a fine line between adequate diversification and over-diversification.

Pros of Diversification:

Risk Spread: By investing in various segments, you spread your risk across different market conditions.
Potential for Growth: Exposure to mid-cap and small-cap funds can yield higher returns during bullish markets.
Cons of Over-Diversification:

Diminished Returns: Over-diversification can dilute your returns, as gains in one fund may be offset by losses in another.
Complex Management: Tracking multiple funds can become cumbersome and may lead to inefficiency.
In your case, 12 funds seem to be slightly on the higher side, considering the possibility of overlap and the potential inefficiency in managing them.

Overlap Evaluation
Overlap occurs when you invest in multiple funds that hold similar stocks or sectors. This can inadvertently increase your exposure to certain stocks or sectors, leading to unintended risk concentration.

Fund Category Overlap
Large-Cap Funds: You have investments in multiple large-cap funds. These funds are likely to have significant overlap in their top holdings.

Mid-Cap Funds: Your portfolio includes several mid-cap funds. Mid-cap stocks can be volatile, and having multiple funds in this segment might lead to redundancy.

Small-Cap Funds: Small-cap funds are known for higher risk and reward potential. Having more than one small-cap fund increases your exposure to this volatile segment.

Sectoral/Thematic Overlap
Sectoral Funds: Investing in sectoral or thematic funds like manufacturing or Bharat 22 can lead to sectoral concentration, especially if other funds also have exposure to these sectors.

Index Funds: Index funds are passively managed and track a specific index. However, their returns are often capped, and they don’t benefit from active fund management that can potentially deliver higher returns.

Detailed Analysis of Funds
Large-Cap Segment
Overview: Large-cap funds are generally safer with steady returns. However, holding multiple large-cap funds can be redundant as they usually invest in similar stocks.

Recommendation: Consider reducing the number of large-cap funds to one or two. Focus on funds with consistent track records and experienced fund managers.

Mid-Cap Segment
Overview: Mid-cap funds offer a balance between risk and return. However, too many mid-cap funds can lead to overlap and unnecessary complexity.

Recommendation: Limit your mid-cap exposure to one or two well-performing funds. This can simplify your portfolio while maintaining exposure to potential high-growth stocks.

Small-Cap Segment
Overview: Small-cap funds are highly volatile but can offer high returns over the long term. Given their nature, it’s advisable not to overexpose your portfolio to this segment.

Recommendation: Retain only one small-cap fund. This will reduce volatility in your portfolio while still allowing you to benefit from the growth potential of small-cap stocks.

Thematic/Sectoral Funds
Overview: Thematic and sectoral funds are risky because they are concentrated in specific sectors. While they can perform well during sectoral booms, they are also susceptible to sharp declines.

Recommendation: Carefully consider the long-term prospects of these sectors. You may want to reduce or eliminate exposure to these funds, depending on your confidence in the specific sector.

Direct Stocks
You have Rs. 6 lakh invested in direct stocks. This is a good approach if you have the time and expertise to manage individual stocks. However, direct stocks carry higher risks compared to mutual funds, as they are not diversified.

Recommendation: Regularly review your stock portfolio. Ensure that the stocks you hold align with your long-term investment strategy. Avoid concentration in any single sector or stock. Consider shifting a portion of your direct stock investments to mutual funds if you prefer a less hands-on approach.
EPF Contribution
Increasing your EPF contribution to 100% is a prudent move. EPF offers guaranteed returns, tax benefits, and is a critical component of retirement planning. This ensures that a portion of your portfolio is in a low-risk, stable investment.

Recommendation: Continue maximizing your EPF contributions, especially given your long-term horizon. This will provide a strong foundation for your retirement corpus.
Direct vs. Regular Funds
You’ve opted for direct funds, which typically have lower expense ratios compared to regular funds. However, investing directly requires more effort in terms of research and management.

Cons of Direct Funds:

Lack of Guidance: Direct funds don’t come with the benefit of advice from a Certified Financial Planner.
Effort Required: You must stay updated on market trends and fund performance regularly.
Benefits of Regular Funds:

Professional Guidance: Investing through a Certified Financial Planner can help in fund selection, portfolio review, and strategic planning.
Convenience: You save time and effort as your investments are managed by professionals who continuously monitor market trends.
Recommendation: If you find managing direct funds challenging, consider switching to regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner. This can provide peace of mind and ensure your portfolio remains aligned with your goals.

Strategy for the Long-Term Horizon
With a 20+ year investment horizon, your primary focus should be on wealth accumulation with a balanced risk-reward profile.

Key Strategies:
Focus on Quality Funds: Choose funds with consistent performance over the long term. Quality funds managed by experienced professionals can navigate market cycles better.

Minimize Overlap: Reduce the number of funds in your portfolio to avoid duplication and enhance efficiency.

Diversify Across Asset Classes: While equity is crucial for long-term growth, consider diversifying into other asset classes like debt funds for stability.

Review Regularly: Periodically review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner to ensure it remains aligned with your goals and risk tolerance.

Final Insights
Your current portfolio demonstrates a strong commitment to your financial future. However, it’s essential to streamline your investments to avoid over-diversification and overlap. Focus on quality funds with a proven track record, minimize redundancy, and maintain a balanced approach.

Consider working with a Certified Financial Planner who can provide professional guidance, help you optimize your portfolio, and ensure that your investments remain on track to meet your long-term goals.

Taking these steps will help you achieve financial success while reducing complexity and maximizing returns.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8164 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 20, 2024Hindi
Money
Dear Sir I am 38 years old with monthly salary around 125k, doing Sip since last year, my current Sip is 57k per month as below, 10k - SBI Nifty 50 index 3k - Motilal oswal Nsdaq 100 FOF 5K - DSP Nifty next 50 index 4k - Nippon india small cap 5k - Motilal oswal mid cap 3.5k - Quant mid cap 7k - ICICI bluechip 3.5k Mirae Asset large cap 3.5k - Parag parikh flexicap 4.5k - Canara robeco emerging equity 3k - HDFC multicap 3k - ICICI manufacturing fund 2k - ICICI Bharat 22 FOF Current mutual fund portfolio is 7 Lakh and 6 Lakhs are invested in direct stocks, also I have incresed my EPF to 100%.. All are direct fund. Could you please check and suggest if I have done over diversification and which funds might be overlapping, also which fund I need to leave and stay....I have long term horizon of 20+ years
Ans: Your monthly SIP of Rs. 57,000 is commendable, and you have a good mix of equity and sector-specific funds in your portfolio. However, there seems to be some overlap, which could result in over-diversification. This might not yield the best results, as too many similar funds could dilute the overall performance. With your long-term horizon of 20+ years, it's essential to streamline your investments for maximum growth potential. Let’s go through the key points to evaluate your current portfolio.

Over-Diversification Assessment
You have invested in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, thematic, and index funds, which covers a wide spectrum of the market. However, you need to assess if all these funds are truly adding unique value or if some funds are too similar. Here’s the breakdown:

Index Funds: You are investing in two index funds (SBI Nifty 50 and DSP Nifty Next 50). While index funds provide broad market exposure, they often overlap in terms of the stocks they hold. Both Nifty 50 and Nifty Next 50 index funds will hold many of the same stocks, with the latter focusing on mid-cap stocks. You might want to consider keeping just one index fund, preferably the Nifty 50 if you're looking for stability and consistency, or explore actively managed large-cap funds for better long-term potential.

Mid-Cap Funds: You have multiple mid-cap funds, including Motilal Oswal Mid Cap, Quant Mid Cap, and HDFC Multicap. There is potential overlap here as mid-cap funds usually have a similar set of stocks, and investing in more than one may not provide much additional diversification. It might be beneficial to reduce this overlap by choosing one well-performing mid-cap fund rather than spreading your investments across several.

Small-Cap Funds: Your small-cap exposure is through Nippon India Small Cap. Small-cap funds are inherently more volatile but offer high growth potential. As this is a high-risk category, it’s advisable to have a limited exposure (typically 5-10%) to small-cap funds in your overall portfolio.

Large-Cap Funds: You are invested in ICICI Bluechip, Mirae Asset Large Cap, and Parag Parikh Flexi Cap. All of these funds focus on large-cap stocks, but Parag Parikh Flexi Cap also invests in mid-cap and international stocks, giving it a broader diversification. You might want to consider consolidating this exposure, as having multiple large-cap funds can lead to a lot of redundancy.

Thematic and Sector-Specific Funds: You have investments in ICICI Manufacturing Fund and ICICI Bharat 22 FOF. These are thematic and sector-specific funds. While these funds provide unique sectoral exposure, the manufacturing sector fund might overlap with some of the stocks in your other funds. Sector funds tend to be more volatile, so their role in your portfolio should be limited and well-thought-out.

Suggested Actions
Reduce Overlapping Funds:

Consider eliminating one of the mid-cap funds (Motilal Oswal Mid Cap or Quant Mid Cap) to reduce redundancy.
Keep only one index fund (either SBI Nifty 50 or DSP Nifty Next 50), as both are highly correlated.
Keep your small-cap exposure limited to one fund, as small-cap stocks are highly volatile and should be approached with caution.
Increase Exposure to Actively Managed Funds:
Actively managed funds typically offer better risk-adjusted returns over the long term, as fund managers can select stocks based on research and market conditions. While index funds have their place, especially for broad market exposure, actively managed funds tend to outperform in the long run if selected carefully.

Streamline Large-Cap Funds:
Consider consolidating your large-cap exposure by selecting one or two of the better-performing funds, rather than having multiple overlapping funds in this category. Given that Parag Parikh Flexi Cap already includes large-cap stocks, you could reduce exposure in the other large-cap funds.

Sectoral Exposure:
Thematic and sector funds like ICICI Manufacturing Fund can add value, but they should not dominate your portfolio. The manufacturing sector may face challenges depending on economic cycles, so it's essential to limit such exposure to a small percentage of your overall portfolio.

Understanding Direct Funds vs Regular Funds
Since you are investing in direct funds, it's essential to note that while they may seem appealing due to lower expense ratios, direct funds come with higher risk for individual investors. They require a deep understanding of the market and may lead to poor choices due to lack of expertise or overtrading. Direct funds also lack the regular monitoring and professional management that comes with investing through a mutual fund distributor.

Opting for regular funds, where a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) assists you, could be a better strategy, especially for building a diversified portfolio. A CFP can evaluate your risk tolerance, time horizon, and financial goals to ensure that your investments are properly aligned with your long-term needs. Moreover, regular funds can often provide better insights into market conditions, making it easier to navigate your investment strategy.

Final Insights
Given your long-term investment horizon, it's crucial to focus on creating a streamlined portfolio that maximizes growth potential without spreading yourself too thin. You have a solid mix of fund types, but reducing overlap will improve focus and efficiency. It’s also worth considering consolidating into actively managed funds, which can provide higher returns over time, especially with a 20+ year horizon. Additionally, make sure to evaluate the performance of each fund periodically and make adjustments as needed.

By following a more focused approach, you’ll have a portfolio that offers strong growth potential with controlled risk exposure. With proper diversification and strategic fund selection, your investments will be more aligned with your long-term goals of wealth creation.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Nidhi

Nidhi Gupta  |200 Answers  |Ask -

Physiotherapist - Answered on Mar 29, 2025

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Hello, Myself Apurba ,43 Y male. Have no disease, weight 68 Kg, height 5.5". I have always been associated with sports. Recently I am preparing for 21 KM marathon. I run 35 KM in field in 07 days with 02 days off (5 days * 07 km average) . I have successfully completed 10 KM marathon recently. Many are objecting me to run these much to protect my knee joint, cartilage etc. But I don't feel any issue , rather I feel so energised although the day. Please let me know if I am harming my knee unknowingly. Please suggest any precautions to be followed so that I can take care of my joints and keep continuing my running. I also do light strength training in parallel with running.
Ans: Hello Rajib,
It is good to know that you are so fit overall.
At times yes excessive running can harm the soft tissues of the knees.
These are the precautions you may take:
1) Please ensure you are taking your Vit D3, Calcium and multivitamin supplements as prescribed
2) A good 10 minutes warm up before running and 10 minutes of cool down via stretches is a must
3) A gentle sesame oil massage around the knee and muscles connected to it is good to do once a week
4) Please ensure you do some form of core exercises. You may learn these from a trainer or physiotherapist. As when core is strong the impact on the knees is lesser.
5) Please keep yourself well hydrated especially during runs
If even the slightest pain comes up take adequate rest!
All the best to become fitter than ever before.
Warm regards,
Dr Nidhi Bajaj Gupta
www.merahkiwellness.com
Insta: merahki_holisticwellness

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8164 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Mar 29, 2025

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Sir, My name is Ankit and i am 32 year old. Sir i invest 3000rupees per month for next 5 year in Axis max Nifty 500momentum 50 fund. Is it right to invest in this fund for a long time?
Ans: Your investment of Rs. 3,000 per month in Axis Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Fund for the next 5 years needs careful evaluation. Since you are 32 years old, your investment horizon can be long-term.

Let’s assess whether this fund is the right choice.

Understanding Your Investment
Fund Type: Index-based momentum fund

Investment Style: Follows momentum strategy within Nifty 500

Your SIP Amount: Rs. 3,000 per month

Investment Tenure: 5 years (as per your plan)

Your Age: 32 (long-term horizon possible)

Momentum funds invest in stocks that have recently shown strong performance. These funds can outperform in bullish phases but may underperform in volatile or bearish markets.

Is This Fund Suitable for Long-Term Investment?
1. Momentum Strategy is Cyclical
This fund invests in stocks that have performed well recently.

If market trends change, it may struggle to maintain returns.

Not ideal as a core long-term portfolio holding.

2. High Volatility and Risk
Momentum funds have higher risk than diversified equity funds.

In falling markets, momentum stocks drop sharply.

3. Index-Based Strategy Limits Flexibility
This fund is passively managed and cannot adjust based on market trends.

Actively managed funds can perform better in different cycles.

4. 5-Year Horizon is Short for Equity
Equity investments work best for 7+ years.

If you need money in 5 years, debt funds or balanced funds are better.

Better Approach for Your Investment
1. Diversify into Actively Managed Funds
Instead of relying on a single index-based momentum fund, diversify.

Large & multi-cap funds can provide stability with growth.

Mid-cap & flexi-cap funds can generate higher returns with controlled risk.

2. Extend Investment Horizon
Instead of stopping after 5 years, consider SIP for 10+ years.

Equity needs long duration to generate wealth.

3. Review and Rebalance Annually
If fund performance is inconsistent, shift to a better option.

Avoid locking yourself into one strategy for too long.

Final Insights
Axis Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Fund is not ideal as a standalone long-term investment.

Momentum strategy works in bull markets but struggles in volatility.

Instead of investing in only one fund, diversify into actively managed funds.

If your horizon is just 5 years, equity funds carry risk. Debt or hybrid funds can be better.

Review your goals and adjust your investment accordingly.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8164 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Mar 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 27, 2025Hindi
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Hi, I am 47. want to start monthly SIP of Rs 50,000. I am not a risk taker and happy with 12-15% annual return. Can you please suggest best plans & combinations.
Ans: You want to invest Rs. 50,000 per month through SIP. You prefer lower risk and expect 12-15% annual returns.

A structured mutual fund portfolio can help balance risk and returns.

Understanding Your Investment Profile
Age: 47 years

Risk Tolerance: Low (not a risk taker)

Return Expectation: 12-15% annually

Investment Horizon: Long-term SIP (10+ years)

Preferred Investment Mode: Monthly SIP of Rs. 50,000

Your return expectation suggests a mix of equity and debt. But low risk means avoiding pure small-cap or mid-cap funds.

Suggested SIP Allocation (Rs. 50,000 per Month)
A 60:40 equity-to-debt ratio is ideal for your risk level.

Equity Mutual Funds – Rs. 30,000 (60%)
Large & Multi-Cap Funds (Rs. 20,000): Stability with growth potential

Sectoral or Thematic Funds (Rs. 10,000): Targeted growth in strong industries

Debt Mutual Funds – Rs. 20,000 (40%)
Corporate Bond or Dynamic Bond Funds (Rs. 15,000): Lower volatility, predictable returns

Short-Term Debt Funds (Rs. 5,000): For liquidity and lower risk

Why This Allocation?
Large & Multi-Cap Funds reduce risk while capturing market growth.

Debt Funds provide stability and lower market-linked volatility.

Sectoral Funds add controlled growth exposure.

This balance can help achieve your 12-15% return expectation.

Additional Considerations
1. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) for Future Income
After 10-15 years, convert part of equity into SWP for regular income.

Ensure withdrawals are tax-efficient.

2. Portfolio Review Every Year
Check fund performance annually.

Rebalance if required to maintain risk balance.

3. Tax Efficiency
Equity Gains: LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%.

Debt Gains: Taxed as per your income slab.

Final Insights
A mix of equity and debt reduces risk while achieving your return goals.

Large & multi-cap funds provide stability, and debt funds add safety.

Annual reviews help adjust strategy as per market conditions.

SWP after 10+ years can convert SIPs into passive income.

This plan aligns with your risk profile and expected returns.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |569 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 28, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 27, 2025Hindi
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I am in relationship with a girl for 6 year but now her parents almost fix her arrange marriage and they dont care about her choice they didnot even consider her opinion about the boy they met ..except her everyone in family like the boy because he is rich and handling his father business and here i am i dont have job i am preparing for government job i asked her family please give me some time i,ll get the job this year but they say we cant agree for the possibility of you getting job or not and her mother say we dont allow intercaste marriage i am sc and she is general and pandit .. i am 26year old what should i do .. i think ab uske parents jada jaldi krre hai shadi k loye because unhone merse baat krli to unko dhr hai ki m kuch esa vsa na krdu jisse unki society me respect vghra ko khtra hoga isliye or vo jada rishtedaro ki sunre hai... mne apni gf ko bola hai ki filhal jb tk job nhi lgti meri tb tk unhe boldo ki mere sath ab kuch nhi h that she blocks me or vo apni side se tb tk rishtey ko mna krti rhe pr uske ghr vale uska opinion about boy consider hi ni krre hai jo unke rishtedaro ne discuss krliya ladka thik h to unhone usko haan boldi ... mujhe kya krna chaiye...her parents do all emotional blackmail to her as today they even touched her feet and said hme pta h tere liye kya shi h hmne tko pala h kuch bhi esa nhi krdio jisse hmari ijat khrab hojaye m pagal hojaunga
Ans: The real question here is not just about her parents—it's about her. If she truly wants to be with you, she needs to resist this marriage and make it clear that she does not consent. But if she is unable to stand up to them, then you need to ask yourself if you want to keep fighting for someone who is not fighting alongside you. Love is powerful, but it cannot survive if only one person is struggling to keep it alive.

Right now, you need to have an honest conversation with her. Ask her directly if she is ready to resist or if she is feeling too pressured to fight back. If she wants to be with you but is feeling trapped, you both need to find a way to delay or stop this marriage. But if she is already giving in to their pressure, then you need to start preparing yourself for the painful truth that she may not choose you in the end.

At the same time, focus on your own stability. Your career is not just about proving her family wrong—it is about securing your future and self-worth. No matter what happens with this relationship, you need to build a life where no one can ever make you feel like you are not good enough again. It is not easy to walk away from love, but sometimes, choosing yourself is the only way forward.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |569 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 28, 2025

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Hi ma'am my relationship with my parents r getting sour since a very long time they always want me to do everything that makes them happy and think about their happiness if I think about my happiness they will start fighting with me nd my parents never supported me for anything in my life till today my dad has always said that if she will ever think about her happiness then I'm gonna leave everything nd go nd so does my mom she also threatened me to cut ties with me even I do everything still they taunt me every day that I can't do anything in life my parents never support me they never ask me who I wanna get married to who I'll b happy with what I wanna work what is my goals ngt but it's always about them my grandmother stays 15kms away from my house she has 3 kids and all r well settled but her 2 daughters had a love marriage one to a muslim nd one to a hindu when they were about to get married my mom didn't even raised her voice or opposed that marriage her one daughter ran nd got married to her bf who is a hindu at that tym also my mom nd dad nd my grandmother didn't even say a word nd during Covid 2020 my grandmother got her 2nd daughter married with her bf who is a muslim without informing any of our relatives when I fell in love with a hindu guy my mom separated me from him and she is telling everyone to brainwash me to leave the person I love nd get married to a Christian guy when ever we go to my grandmother's house my mom always start a fight with me we went there for 3 times and all the 3 times she started fighting with me my mom always support my grandmother's children if anything happens to them she will call them 10 tyms and ask how they are when my grandmother was ill treating me my mom didn't even raise her voice nd didn't even take a stand for myself but she was watching everything as a movie is going on when I was crying after we came back to my house my mom didn't even ask me what am I going through when she was seeing me cry everyday she always support my grandmother who did bad with me if they will say not to let her work my mom will listen to her nd her daughters but she will never listen to me and my grandmother started forcing me to get married to a Christian guy nd i should also listen to her nd not to think about my happiness nd what makes me happy in life what should I do I'm completely shattered ma'am nd i don't have anyone to share my pain with even if I do they will support my parents only bcoz of all this I'm not able to concentrate on anything at all
Ans: Dear Niveditha,
Right now, your emotions are tangled in hurt, anger, and helplessness, but you are not powerless. The first thing you need to do is detach emotionally from their guilt-tripping. You cannot live your entire life trying to please people who refuse to acknowledge your needs. It’s okay to love and respect your parents, but not at the cost of losing yourself.

Start setting boundaries, even if it feels impossible at first. If they constantly taunt you, limit conversations with them. If they threaten to cut ties, remind yourself that love should not be conditional. If they refuse to support you, find strength within yourself. You are already surviving without their emotional backing, which means you are stronger than you think.

As for your relationship, you need to ask yourself—are you willing to sacrifice your happiness just to avoid family drama? If you truly love this person and see a future together, you will need to stand firm in your decision. Love requires courage, and choosing your happiness is not selfish—it’s necessary.

You are not alone in this. Many people fight similar battles with families who refuse to understand. But at the end of the day, this is your life. You deserve love, respect, and the right to make your own choices. No matter what happens, never let their words make you believe you are unworthy of happiness. Keep fighting for yourself, because you deserve it.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |569 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 28, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 25, 2025Hindi
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Hi, I am 28 years old, about to get engaged in couple of months. It's an arranged marriage. Before that I met with the girl. At our first meeting, she was little shy and hesitant at first but still we were able to have a good conversation. However after that, as usual parents wanted an answer and without beating around the bush, we agreed. We went out once for lunch once and it was good. We got to know each other a little. But after that it's mostly chats. It's like I always start the conversation and end it. She may want to take things little slow which I respect. I am an introvert person, but at least I try to have a conversation. But even the chats feels like an interview round, she doesn't even ping me or calls me. Even I asked her if she has a boyfriend or is she happy with the marriage which she responded positively. That was a sigh of relief. Last we talked was on Valentine's day where we exchanged gifts and had some chats. But after that no more talks till now. For a month I stopped texting her as it always seems I am always eager to talk and also to check whether she will revert back, but not once in a month she called or texted me. Isn't she a little bit curious to know me? Now I feel tired to always ping her and asks her about her daily life. Maybe it seems like I am putting a lot of effort or maybe I am overthinking, but I just want to assure myself that I am taking the right decision. Sometimes I even feel if this marriage will work out or not. It's like I am taking a huge gamble on my life and letting destiny decide my faith.
Ans: A relationship, even in its early stages, should not feel like a duty. While some people do take time to open up, a complete lack of initiation from her side raises important concerns. Communication is not just about words; it’s also about effort, interest, and a willingness to connect. If she truly wanted to get to know you, even at a slow pace, there would be at least some level of curiosity or effort from her side.

It’s good that you gave space to see if she would reach out, but her silence for an entire month speaks volumes. This is not about overthinking—it’s about acknowledging your feelings and recognizing whether the emotional energy you are investing is being reciprocated. If she is this distant now, it’s fair to wonder whether this pattern will continue after marriage.

Rather than silently carrying these doubts, it would be best to have an open conversation with her. Express your feelings calmly and ask her directly about her thoughts on the relationship. It’s important to know whether she is truly interested or just going along with the marriage out of obligation. Clarity now can save you from deeper emotional struggles later.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and both partners should walk into it with confidence, not just because it was arranged or expected. If her response still feels indifferent or passive, you have every right to reconsider. This is your life, and you deserve a partner who values building a connection as much as you do.

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