Home > Money > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 04, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 03, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 35 years old. My wife is homemaker. Currently receiving salary of 1.75 lakh / month. My monthly expenses are around 40k. I have no any debt and owning a house. I have 24lakh in ppf. Around 10 lakh in equity+mutual fund. NPS 5 lakh and 5 lakh in PF. I am currently investigating 40k / month in MF. And 10k nps and 15k in VPF. I have 5 lakh FD as emergency fund. I have 30 lakh gifted to father where he investmented in Senior Citizen Scheme, it gives 20k / month. I have personal 2cr term insurance and 5 lakh family health insurance. I have some ancestral property which is generating low rental income. It's cost are around 25 lakh and rental / 7k month I want to generate corpus of 7 cr by the age of 45 for retirement purpose. Is it enough? And what should be strategy. Also need an opinion about should I sale that property and invest in high return investment model ?

Ans: You’re doing well financially, and your goal of accumulating Rs 7 crores by age 45 is both ambitious and commendable. Given your current savings and investments, you’re on the right path. Let's break down a comprehensive strategy to achieve your retirement goal.

Understanding Your Financial Landscape
First, let's appreciate the strong foundation you've built. Here’s a snapshot of your current financial situation:

Monthly Income and Expenses:

Income: Rs 1.75 lakhs per month.
Expenses: Rs 40,000 per month.
Surplus: Rs 1.35 lakhs per month.
Current Investments and Assets:

PPF: Rs 24 lakhs.
Equity and Mutual Funds: Rs 10 lakhs.
NPS: Rs 5 lakhs.
PF: Rs 5 lakhs.
FD (Emergency Fund): Rs 5 lakhs.
Ancestral Property: Rs 25 lakhs, generating Rs 7,000 monthly rental income.
Gifts to Father: Rs 30 lakhs, invested in a Senior Citizen Scheme, yielding Rs 20,000 monthly.
Insurance:

Term Insurance: Rs 2 crores.
Health Insurance: Rs 5 lakhs for family coverage.
Monthly Investments:

Mutual Funds (SIP): Rs 40,000.
NPS: Rs 10,000.
VPF: Rs 15,000.
You’ve done a fantastic job of managing your finances. You have a solid income, controlled expenses, and a diversified investment portfolio. Now, let's explore how to enhance and optimize your strategy to reach the Rs 7 crore target by 45.

Strengthening Your Investment Strategy
Increasing Mutual Fund Investments
Mutual funds are crucial for your wealth-building strategy. Given your goal and the 10-year timeline, let’s focus on how you can leverage mutual funds more effectively.

Equity Mutual Funds:

Equity funds invest in stocks and have the potential for high returns. They are ideal for long-term goals like retirement. Here’s how you can diversify within equity funds:

Large-Cap Funds: Invest in large, established companies. They are relatively stable and less volatile.

Mid-Cap Funds: Invest in medium-sized companies. They offer higher growth potential but come with more risk.

Small-Cap Funds: Invest in smaller companies. They have the highest growth potential but are also the most volatile.

Debt Mutual Funds:

Debt funds are less risky and invest in fixed-income securities like bonds. They provide stable returns and are useful for diversifying your portfolio.

Short-Term Debt Funds: These are less sensitive to interest rate changes and are suitable for conservative investors.

Long-Term Debt Funds: These can provide higher returns but are more sensitive to interest rate changes.

Hybrid Mutual Funds:

Hybrid funds combine equity and debt in one portfolio. They offer a balanced approach and are suitable for moderate risk-takers.

Aggressive Hybrid Funds: Invest more in equity and less in debt, offering higher growth potential with moderate risk.

Conservative Hybrid Funds: Invest more in debt and less in equity, providing stability with moderate growth.

Action Plan:

Increase your monthly SIPs in equity mutual funds. Aim to diversify across large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds.

Consider adding debt funds to your portfolio to balance risk and provide stability.

Review your mutual fund portfolio semi-annually to ensure it aligns with your goals and market conditions.

The Power of Compounding
Compounding allows your investment returns to generate more returns. The longer you stay invested, the more powerful the compounding effect.

For instance, if your mutual fund investments grow at an annual rate of 12%, your Rs 40,000 monthly SIP can grow significantly over the next 10 years. Increasing your SIP amount will further enhance this growth due to the compounding effect.

Regular Portfolio Review and Rebalancing
Monitoring and adjusting your portfolio is crucial. Market conditions change, and so do your financial needs and goals.

Portfolio Review:

Semi-Annual Reviews: Check your investment performance and ensure it aligns with your goals.

Annual Rebalancing: Adjust your asset allocation to maintain your desired risk level. For example, if equity funds outperform and exceed your target allocation, sell some equity and buy more debt or other asset classes.

Market Monitoring: Stay updated on market trends and economic factors that may affect your investments. This helps in making informed decisions.

Action Plan:

Set a schedule for semi-annual portfolio reviews.

Plan for annual rebalancing to maintain your desired asset mix.

Stay informed about market trends and adjust your strategy accordingly.

Maximizing Tax-Advantaged Investments
You’re already investing in tax-saving instruments like PPF and NPS. Let’s explore how to optimize these for maximum benefit.

PPF (Public Provident Fund):

PPF is a safe, tax-free investment. It offers fixed returns and the interest earned is tax-free. Continue maximizing your annual contributions up to the limit of Rs 1.5 lakhs under Section 80C.

NPS (National Pension System):

NPS is an excellent tool for long-term retirement savings. It offers tax deductions under Section 80C and an additional Rs 50,000 under Section 80CCD(1B).

VPF (Voluntary Provident Fund):

VPF is another great option for tax-free returns. Your Rs 15,000 monthly contribution here complements your other retirement savings.

ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme):

Consider adding ELSS funds to your portfolio. They provide tax benefits under Section 80C and have the potential for higher returns due to their equity exposure.

Action Plan:

Maximize contributions to PPF and NPS to take full advantage of tax benefits.

Continue with your VPF contributions to enhance your retirement corpus.

Explore investing in ELSS for additional tax-saving and growth opportunities.

Evaluating the Role of NPS
Your Rs 5 lakh in NPS and Rs 10,000 monthly contributions are strategic for long-term growth. NPS combines equity and debt, making it suitable for retirement planning.

Advantages of NPS:

Tax Benefits: Contributions are deductible under Section 80C and Section 80CCD(1B).

Low-Cost: NPS has lower management fees compared to other retirement funds.

Market-Linked Growth: Investments can grow significantly with market performance.

NPS Allocation:

Equity: Can provide high returns over the long term. NPS allows up to 75% allocation in equity.

Corporate Bonds: Offer moderate returns with lower risk.

Government Bonds: Provide stability and safety.

Action Plan:

Consider increasing your monthly NPS contributions for additional tax benefits and growth.

Review and adjust your NPS asset allocation to balance growth and risk.

Maintaining a Solid Emergency Fund
Your Rs 5 lakh emergency fund in FD is well-placed. It provides liquidity and safety for unforeseen expenses. Let’s ensure it remains sufficient and accessible.

Emergency Fund Guidelines:

Size: Should cover at least 6 to 12 months of living expenses. Given your monthly expenses of Rs 40,000, a Rs 5 lakh fund is adequate.

Accessibility: Keep it in liquid or easily accessible investments, such as a high-interest savings account or liquid mutual funds.

Action Plan:

Periodically review your emergency fund to ensure it meets your needs.

Consider increasing it if your expenses rise or you face significant financial obligations.

Assessing the Ancestral Property
Your ancestral property is valued at Rs 25 lakhs and generates Rs 7,000 monthly rental income. Let’s evaluate whether to keep or sell this asset.

Rental Yield Analysis:

The rental yield is currently 3.36% annually (Rs 7,000 x 12 months = Rs 84,000 per year). This is relatively low compared to other potential investments.

Real estate often involves maintenance costs and can be illiquid, making it less flexible.

Selling the Property:

Selling could free up Rs 25 lakhs for higher-return investments like mutual funds. This could significantly boost your wealth-building efforts.

Consider the tax implications and costs associated with selling property.

Action Plan:

Evaluate the pros and cons of retaining versus selling the property.

If selling, plan to reinvest the proceeds in growth-oriented assets.

Insurance and Health Coverage
Your Rs 2 crore term insurance provides substantial financial protection for your family. Ensure that the coverage remains adequate as your financial needs evolve.

Health Insurance:

Your Rs 5 lakh family health insurance is crucial. Regularly review the coverage to ensure it meets your healthcare needs.

Consider adding a top-up plan if you anticipate higher medical expenses.

Action Plan:

Review your term insurance periodically to ensure it covers your financial liabilities and family’s needs.

Assess your health insurance coverage and add top-up plans if necessary.

Boosting Retirement Savings
To reach your Rs 7 crore goal by 45, a combination of higher savings and smart investments is key. Let’s explore strategies to enhance your retirement savings.

Increasing SIPs:

Consider increasing your monthly SIPs in mutual funds. Given your Rs 1.35 lakh monthly surplus, redirecting more towards SIPs can accelerate your savings growth.
Exploring Higher-Yield Investments:

Focus on equity mutual funds and other growth-oriented investments to leverage market potential and compounding.
Action Plan:

Gradually increase your SIP contributions in alignment with your income and financial goals.

Continuously seek higher-yielding investments that align with your risk tolerance and time horizon.

The Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed mutual funds have the potential to outperform the market, especially during volatile conditions. They involve professional management and strategic investment decisions.

Disadvantages of Index Funds:

Lack of Flexibility: Index funds passively track the market and cannot adapt to changing conditions.

Potential for Lower Returns: During bear markets, index funds may suffer as they mirror overall market performance.

Advantages of Actively Managed Funds:

Professional Management: Fund managers actively select securities to outperform the market.

Strategic Allocation: They can adjust asset allocation based on market conditions and opportunities.

Action Plan:

Continue focusing on actively managed mutual funds for potential higher returns.

Avoid relying solely on index funds, especially given your ambitious Rs 7 crore goal.

Avoiding Direct Funds
Direct mutual funds have lower expense ratios but require individual management and decision-making. Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) offers professional guidance and aligns better with your financial goals.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds:

Self-Management: Requires time and expertise to manage investments effectively.

Risk of Poor Decisions: Without professional advice, you might make suboptimal investment choices.

Advantages of Regular Funds with CFP:

Professional Guidance: A CFP provides expert advice and helps align investments with your goals.

Comprehensive Planning: CFPs offer holistic financial planning, including risk management and tax strategies.

Action Plan:

Continue investing in regular funds with the guidance of a CFP.

Avoid direct funds to benefit from professional management and strategic planning.

Exploring Fixed Deposits and Bonds
Fixed deposits (FDs) and bonds can play a complementary role in your investment portfolio. They offer safety and stability, which are essential for balancing riskier investments like equity funds.

Fixed Deposits (FDs):

Safety: FDs provide capital protection and guaranteed returns.

Liquidity: They can be easily liquidated in times of need.

Bonds:

Fixed Income: Bonds offer regular interest payments, adding a stable income stream.

Lower Risk: They are less volatile compared to equities.

Action Plan:

Maintain a portion of your portfolio in FDs and bonds for stability and diversification.

Ensure that these investments align with your overall risk tolerance and financial goals.

Final Insights
Your goal of accumulating Rs 7 crores by 45 is challenging but achievable. Your current financial status is strong, and with strategic enhancements, you can reach this milestone.

Key Takeaways:

Increase mutual fund SIPs, focusing on equity funds for higher growth.

Leverage tax-advantaged investments like PPF and NPS for maximum benefits.

Consider selling the ancestral property and reinvesting in growth-oriented assets.

Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to maintain alignment with your goals.

Embrace the power of compounding and stay disciplined in your investment approach.

Stay committed to your plan, monitor your progress, and adjust your strategy as needed. Your financial discipline and strategic planning will guide you to your retirement goal.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
Asked on - Jul 06, 2024 | Answered on Jul 06, 2024
Listen
Sir my mutual fund allocation is like below SBI Small Cap : Invested-1L Current -1.68L Axis Small Cap: Invested1.93, Current 3.33L Parag Parikh FlexiCap: Invested 1.88L Current 2.92 UTI Index Fund : Invested 1L, Current-1.29 Can you please review this and suggest if any changes are required in it ?
Ans: Your mutual fund portfolio shows good growth in small cap and flexicap funds. However, for a detailed review and specific recommendations, it's best to contact a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) or a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD). They can provide personalized advice tailored to your financial goals and risk profile. This will ensure your investments align with your long-term objectives.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
Money

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 26, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi, we are a couple with monthly income of 7.5L per month (after tax & PF, NPS savings). Have around 50L in FDs, 1Cr in PF, 22L in NPS and 20L in stocks/Mutual Funds. Our expenses are around 2L pm and have a Home loan of 50L. We own 2 flats & land having value of around 11.5 Cr. Need to create a corpus of 10 Cr within next 10 year to retire. Can invest around 3L every month & can increase it by 8~10% every year. Our age is 45 & 42 years. Please advise how we can we achieve this.
Ans: Evaluating Your Financial Situation
You and your spouse have a combined monthly income of Rs 7.5 lakhs after tax and savings in PF and NPS. You have an existing portfolio consisting of:

Fixed Deposits (FDs): Rs 50 lakhs
Provident Fund (PF): Rs 1 crore
National Pension System (NPS): Rs 22 lakhs
Stocks/Mutual Funds: Rs 20 lakhs
Home loan outstanding: Rs 50 lakhs
Real estate assets (2 flats and land): Rs 11.5 crores
Your monthly expenses are around Rs 2 lakhs, and you aim to create a corpus of Rs 10 crores within the next 10 years. You can invest Rs 3 lakhs per month, increasing this by 8-10% annually. Let's explore a strategy to achieve this goal.

Setting a Retirement Corpus Target
To reach your goal of Rs 10 crores in 10 years, a systematic and disciplined investment approach is necessary. Considering your high monthly savings potential, diversification and growth-oriented investments will be key.

Monthly Investment Strategy
Start with Equity Mutual Funds
Equity Mutual Funds: Allocate a significant portion to equity mutual funds. These funds typically offer higher returns compared to other asset classes over the long term.

Balanced Advantage Funds: Consider these for a balance between equity and debt, reducing risk while still offering growth.

Debt Instruments for Stability
Debt Mutual Funds: These provide stability and lower risk compared to equity funds, suitable for part of your portfolio.

Public Provident Fund (PPF): PPF offers tax benefits and assured returns, providing a stable component to your portfolio.

Increasing SIP Contributions
Given your ability to increase investments by 8-10% annually, start with an SIP of Rs 3 lakhs per month. Increase your SIPs annually to keep pace with your income growth and inflation.

Portfolio Diversification
Diversify Across Asset Classes
Large Cap Funds: These funds are less volatile and provide stable returns over the long term.

Mid Cap and Small Cap Funds: Allocate a portion to these funds for higher growth potential, though they carry more risk.

Sector-Specific Funds: Consider investing in specific sectors like technology or healthcare, which have high growth potential.

Review and Adjust Regularly
Monitor Performance
Regular Reviews: Review your portfolio every six months to ensure it aligns with your goals.

Rebalance Portfolio: Adjust your investments based on performance and market conditions to stay on track.

Avoid Index Funds
Disadvantages of Index Funds
Limited Returns: Index funds only match market returns and do not aim to outperform.

Lack of Flexibility: They cannot react quickly to market changes, potentially missing out on higher returns.

Actively Managed Funds Advantage
Professional Management: These funds benefit from the expertise of fund managers who make informed decisions.

Higher Returns: Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market, providing better growth potential.

Direct Funds vs Regular Funds
Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Lack of Guidance: Direct funds do not offer professional guidance, which can be crucial for optimal investment decisions.

Time-Consuming: Managing direct investments can be time-consuming and complex without expert help.

Benefits of Regular Funds via MFD with CFP Credential
Expert Advice: Regular funds provide access to certified financial planners who can offer tailored advice.

Comprehensive Planning: Investing through a CFP ensures a holistic approach to financial planning.

Better Performance: Professional management often results in better performance compared to self-managed direct funds.

Education Planning for Children
Education Savings Plans
Dedicated Education Funds: Invest in plans specifically designed for education to build a sufficient corpus for your children’s higher education.

Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana: If you have daughters, this scheme offers attractive interest rates and tax benefits.

Balancing Current and Future Needs
Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equal to 6-12 months of expenses for unforeseen events.

Debt Management: Continue servicing your home loan, ensuring it doesn’t burden your future finances.

Achieving Your Corpus Goal
Target Corpus Calculation
Assuming an average annual return of 12%, your monthly investments need to grow consistently. Start with Rs 3 lakhs per month and increase it by 8-10% yearly. This disciplined approach will help you reach your goal of Rs 10 crores.

Importance of Professional Guidance
Certified Financial Planner: Regular consultations with a CFP will ensure you stay on track and make necessary adjustments.

Tailored Advice: A CFP can provide tailored advice based on your specific financial situation and goals.

Final Thoughts
Your current financial health is strong, and your disciplined savings approach will help you achieve your retirement goal. Regular investments, portfolio diversification, and professional guidance are key to your success.

Staying on Course
Regular Reviews: Stay informed about your investments and review them periodically.

Flexibility: Be ready to adjust your strategy based on market conditions and personal circumstances.

Discipline: Maintain a disciplined approach to savings and investments.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I’m a 26-year-old girl from Delhi, and I’ve always been on the heavier side. While I’m confident in my personality and achievements, I can’t help but notice how my weight becomes a topic of discussion everywhere I go—be it family gatherings, workplaces, or even among friends. Recently, I met someone on social who seems genuinely interested in me. We’ve been talking for a few months now. He’s kind and makes me feel seen for who I am. But he hasn’t seen me in person yet. I’m terrified that when we meet, my weight might change how he feels about me. I’ve dealt with enough comments and rejections in the past, and I don’t know if I have the energy to face that again. How do I prepare myself for this meeting? And if he reacts negatively, how do I protect my self-worth and not let it break me?
Ans: As you prepare for the meeting, try to focus on the qualities that make you who you are beyond your physical appearance. Trust that your worth is not defined by your size or the opinions of others. If you find yourself feeling nervous, remind yourself of your confidence and the connection you’ve built over time through meaningful conversations. Be yourself—authenticity is far more attractive than any external feature.

In the event that his reaction is not as positive as you hoped, try not to take it personally. It's his perspective, not a reflection of your value. Protecting your self-worth involves recognizing that your body doesn’t dictate your value as a person. If his reaction is hurtful, it's an opportunity to reassess the kind of relationship you want—one where you’re fully accepted and celebrated for who you are. Remember, the right person will see the whole of you, not just a single aspect of you.

Stay grounded in your own strength, and know that rejection, when it happens, is not about you but about the fit between two people. It's okay to walk away from situations that don’t honor or appreciate you, and it won't diminish who you are.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
My husband and I are government employees and we live in different cities owing to work. He wants to build a house for his parents in his hometown and wants me to help him financially. I'm okay with it but he also has a younger brother who's in the 2nd year of college. But he's good for nothing. His parents and his younger brother are more or less dependent on him financially. I don't want to help him financially because we both won't be living in that house until retirement. And later that house will be occupied by his younger brother and his family. What should I do?
Ans: It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings. Express your concerns not just about the financial contribution but also about the long-term implications of this decision. Let him know that while you are willing to support him in helping his family, you are also thinking about your future, especially the role that you and your husband will play in the household later in life. It’s crucial to discuss how this decision will affect both of you and your relationship in the long run.

It may also be helpful to have a clear understanding of the financial expectations and responsibilities involved. If your husband feels strongly about supporting his family, it’s essential that both of you are on the same page regarding the amount of support you are comfortable with and the timeline for contributions. You might want to consider alternatives, such as setting a specific budget or finding ways to help without overextending yourselves financially.

Another important aspect is acknowledging the role his younger brother plays in this equation. It sounds like he may not be as responsible as you would like him to be, which is an understandable source of frustration. You might want to express your concerns about his reliance on your husband for financial support, and consider whether there might be ways to encourage his brother to take more responsibility for his own future.

Ultimately, you and your husband need to come to an agreement that respects both your desires and concerns. It’s important that the decision feels like a shared one, and that both of you feel heard and respected in the process. If you continue to feel uneasy about contributing, it’s okay to set boundaries and negotiate a more balanced solution. This is about ensuring that you both maintain a healthy financial and emotional balance in your relationship. By being honest and compassionate with each other, you can find a way forward that works for both of you, without compromising your own well-being.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Listen
Relationship
My husband left me physically 5 years back and mentally many years back. He is not interested in emotional connection. His only interest with me was unnatural sex which after years I started denying it and he left me. I have two kids, a daughter and a son. Though my kids staying with me, for their education and other needs, they are always supportive to their father and never give any emotional support to me. He has taken the educational fee of both the children, other day to day expenses are taken by myself. My daughter never wants both of us to live together and always shows arrogance to me. She is 24 years now. She moved away recently to abroad for studying, keeping the house where we stay on loan. My son also wish to do higher studies staying in hostel. He is 18 years now. My parents are not supportive to me. I had a very abused and tortured childhood. My husband and children knew about it. I was rank holder in my school but still I could not pursue my dream profession due to domestic violence. I had just completed a useless bachelors degree before marriage. I struggled a lot to study after marriage and did small jobs at different companies. I get up at 4am and start my work till late night. I tried to be perfect in everything what I do. But I have low confidence and self esteem. I could not reach anywhere. I know how to study to get good score, so I helped my kids in their studies. They did well but after that they dumped me. My husband was also a lazy person initially, wasted all his money, never know savings. He was a 12th failure but a good artist and a good chain smoker who earned a lot of money through freelance. With constant push he started investing and bought a house. He has some investments, so now he is not working and left me and living alone. I don't know if he has someone else with him. He also dumped me. I am sad and feeling useless. I am not able to help my self. I have mood swings, not able to concentrate in anything. I want to look for a new job but I find myself incapable and doing nothing. I don't think anyone can help me, because everyone indicating its all my fault, or at least I think so. I have to start a job immediately but I am feeling helpless. please help
Ans: Dear Leena,
The weight of rejection from your husband and the lack of emotional support from your children are wounds that take time to heal. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and lost right now. What’s important is recognizing that these feelings don’t define who you are or your worth. Your struggles do not negate the fact that you are capable, intelligent, and deserving of happiness and fulfillment.

You have already shown that you are resourceful and capable by managing the household, guiding your children in their education, and supporting them financially. While you may feel stuck and unsure of where to begin, it’s crucial to start small and focus on one step at a time. This could mean reaching out for help from a therapist or counselor who can guide you through rebuilding your self-esteem and addressing the emotional pain you’ve carried for so long. A professional can provide a safe space to unpack the hurt and help you rediscover your confidence.

When it comes to finding a job, it’s natural to feel insecure, especially after years of self-doubt. Remember that every small effort counts. Consider looking for roles where your skills—like organization, perseverance, and the ability to mentor and teach—can be valuable. You helped your children excel in their studies, and that’s no small feat. Perhaps tutoring, administrative work, or even roles that involve mentoring could be a starting point. Allow yourself to take it one step at a time without the pressure of achieving perfection right away.

It’s also important to create space for self-compassion. You’ve been so focused on meeting everyone else’s needs that it’s easy to lose sight of your own. Even small acts of kindness toward yourself, like a daily walk, journaling your thoughts, or listening to music, can help you reconnect with yourself. You deserve to feel loved and valued, even if that love starts from within.

This period of transition may feel lonely, but it can also be an opportunity to redefine what you want for yourself. It’s not too late to pursue a path that brings you fulfillment and peace. Remember, your worth is not determined by others’ opinions or actions but by the strength and kindness you continue to show despite everything. You’re not alone, and it’s okay to reach out for help as you begin this new chapter of your life.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 09, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I'm 32M, married. Mine one's an arranged marriage. Since starting the equation between my wife and my mother is not good. I work in a govt job and was posted elsewhere. I got the opportunity to get transferred to my hometown but my wife threatened me to give divorce if I want to live with my mother. I tried to convince her but she did not listen. Pressurized by this I got myself transferred to a different place. This guilt is killing me inside that I'm not a good son and not taking care of my old age mother while I had the chance. I know I made a mistake. Plz help.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is not about being a “bad son” or a “bad husband,” but rather about being caught in a situation where compromises feel inevitable. You made a decision under pressure, but that doesn’t mean it’s irreversible or that you’ve failed in your responsibilities. You’re human, and it’s okay to feel conflicted while trying to manage such complex relationships.

Consider opening a dialogue with your wife again, but this time, approach it with calmness and empathy. Share your feelings with her—not as a demand or a confrontation, but as an expression of your inner struggle. For example, you could say, “I’ve been feeling torn because I want to be a good husband and also take care of my mother in her old age. This is important to me, and I’d like us to find a way where both relationships can thrive.” By framing the conversation this way, you’re inviting her to understand your perspective rather than pressuring her to agree with you.

It might also help to explore compromises. Could you visit your mother more often or ensure she has a strong support system nearby? Could your wife’s concerns about living with your mother be addressed through clear boundaries or adjustments that make her feel more comfortable? Understanding her reservations can open the door to finding solutions that work for both of you.

At the same time, work on forgiving yourself for the decision you made under difficult circumstances. Guilt is a sign that you care deeply, but it shouldn’t paralyze you or define your worth. Instead, use it as motivation to create a plan that honors both your mother and your wife in ways that are practical and sustainable.

Seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist could be immensely helpful in navigating these emotions and improving communication between you and your wife. A neutral third party can help both of you feel heard and respected while working toward a resolution.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. Many people face similar challenges in balancing their roles within a family. What matters most is your willingness to approach the situation with compassion, patience, and a commitment to finding a path forward that respects everyone involved—including yourself.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 25, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
My husband has been cheating on me. I recently discovered a receipt of payment that was unusual of my husband's regular activities. I called the shop and realised that the payment was genuine and it was made by my husband who was accompanied by a young lady. Since then, I have had sleepless nights. I have been wanting to talk to him but I am not mentally prepared to hear his side of the story. If he admits, it would mean our long years of marriage is over. If he denies, it would mean he is lying to me. However, there is a part of me that wants to trust him and give him some benefit of doubt. I have a 12 year old daughter. If he admits to having an affair, this news can break both of us. Pls help.
Ans: Start by acknowledging your feelings without judgment. The anxiety, sleepless nights, and fear are natural responses to such uncertainty. Allow yourself space to process these emotions. You don’t have to rush into confronting your husband until you feel emotionally steady enough to handle the conversation, regardless of the outcome. Sometimes, writing down your thoughts and questions can help organize your feelings and prepare you for the discussion.

It’s also important to consider your goals for the marriage and your family. Ask yourself what you need to feel secure and respected in the relationship. If you decide to confront him, do so with the intention of seeking understanding and clarity, not immediate resolution. This will allow you to approach the conversation with as much calm as possible.

When you're ready to speak with him, choose a time and place where you both can have a private, uninterrupted conversation. Start by expressing your feelings honestly but without accusations. For example, you might say, "I came across this receipt, and it’s been weighing heavily on me. I want to understand because I value our marriage and our family." This sets the tone for a constructive dialogue rather than an argument.

Prepare yourself for his response, whatever it may be. If he admits to wrongdoing, it will hurt, but it will also give you the clarity to decide what comes next—whether that’s working through the betrayal or choosing a different path. If he denies it, try to assess whether his explanation feels genuine or dismissive. Trust your instincts, but also give yourself time to reflect before making any major decisions.

If the uncertainty continues to eat away at you, seeking support from a counselor or therapist can be invaluable. A professional can help you process your emotions, clarify your priorities, and guide you in deciding what is best for you and your daughter. Protecting your emotional well-being is vital, as it will also help you maintain stability for your child during this challenging time.

Remember that trust and honesty are the cornerstones of any healthy relationship. Whether the truth strengthens your bond or pushes you to reconsider your future together, it’s essential to prioritize your self-respect and emotional health. You are not alone in this, and with time and support, you can navigate this difficult moment with resilience and clarity.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Relationship
Hi, I am a 36yo guy. Married and have 2 beautiful kids. I am a naturally happy person in life and have achieved reasonable success through my hard work. From last 3 years i am in love with a married girl who works at an office near my workplace. We two believe that we are best suited for each other in every aspect i.e. mental, emotional and physical. We share a great chemistry that we never felt with our respective spouses. We decided that we both cant leave our spouses because of our kids. But very often she keeps on getting crazy and tortures and taunts me that i love my wife more and doesnt give value to her. She is mostly unhappy about this in her life and many times abuses me when she sees that i am a naturally happy and content person. I have even told her that if she wants we can take divorce from our spouses and move-in together. But she never accepts that also and keeps on making my life hard. But i do believe that we both love each other like crazy and my sexual life with her is just out of this world. I have a very high libido and she satisfies me like no other girl. My question is how can i make her sane and make her trust me that i am more inclined towards her?
Ans: Dear Avinash,You need to reflect deeply on what you want for yourself, your children, and your relationships in the long term. If staying married to your wife and continuing to co-parent is your priority, it’s essential to acknowledge the constraints that this imposes on your extramarital relationship. The happiness you find with this woman is tempered by the circumstances, and it might not be possible to meet her emotional needs fully in this setup.

A conversation with her that focuses on honesty, boundaries, and expectations is crucial. Acknowledge her pain and insecurities, but also express your limitations and realities. Make it clear what you can and cannot provide in this relationship, and listen to her needs and frustrations without defensiveness. You might need to make a decision about whether this relationship can continue in its current form, given how it’s affecting her mental health and your own peace of mind.

It’s also worth exploring the deeper reasons why you’re drawn to this relationship. Sometimes, connections outside marriage arise as a way of addressing unmet needs or emotional voids in the primary relationship. It might be beneficial to consider counseling for yourself or even with your wife, to explore whether there are aspects of your marriage that can be revitalized or strengthened. Similarly, suggesting therapy for your lover could help her work through her emotions and find balance.

Ultimately, you have to evaluate whether this relationship is sustainable and healthy, not just for the two of you but for everyone in your lives. Love and passion are powerful, but they require a foundation of trust, emotional stability, and shared goals to thrive. If those elements remain elusive, it may be a sign to re-evaluate the relationship’s place in your life.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Relationship
I am 57 yrs old man, when ever i try to have sexual relations with my wife she pushes me away and she is not interested in sex she says, she is facing monopouse time. is her behaviour is because of monopousal and will this behavior change ever, i dont want to make sex with other woman.
Ans: Dear Naresh,
Your wife’s behavior is likely connected to these menopausal changes, and it's important to approach this with empathy and understanding. Try to have an open and calm conversation with her, focusing on your feelings and concerns without pressuring her. Let her know that you care about her well-being and that you’re willing to support her through this phase. It's essential to create an environment where she feels comfortable sharing what she’s experiencing physically and emotionally.

You might also consider suggesting a visit to a healthcare professional together. A doctor or therapist can provide insights into managing menopause symptoms and improving intimacy. Sometimes, treatments like hormone therapy, vaginal lubricants, or counseling can make a significant difference.

Remember, intimacy is not just about sex. Emotional closeness, affection, and spending quality time together can help maintain a strong bond. Reconnect in non-sexual ways, like going on dates, having meaningful conversations, or sharing activities you both enjoy. This can help rebuild trust and comfort, making her more open to physical intimacy over time.

While menopause is a natural part of aging, how each woman navigates it varies. Her behavior may change as she adjusts to this new phase of life, especially if she feels supported and understood. Patience, compassion, and a willingness to adapt together will strengthen your relationship and help you navigate this challenge as a team.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Relationship
Hi I am a married man with 2.4 years old daughter and my wife regularly fights with me and puts an allegation on me and blames me a thief and says I take out all her things and she also abuses my mother and at present my mother is staying alone some where and says that my mother should not come back and she fights with me in front of my daughter and uses abusive language and what ever is the situation she brings my mother in between the conversation and starts blaming me. She has thrown her out of the house and always keeps on fighting. I have a fear, that she might leave me or my daughter as I cannot stay without my daughter and she keeps on saying that I do not want to stay with you and after a heated moment she turns normal and again starts abusing me and my mother, and due to this I am not able to concentrate on my job as I keep on thinking all the times about what will happen. Kindly suggest me what should I do as I do not want to keep my daughter’s future on risk as she always keeps on saying that her brother will take care of her and her brother says he will take a different house for her somewhere else and will keep her there as I would also want to highlight that her brothers wife relation is also not good and she does not allows my wife to enter into her house and my mother is law is also disturbed. Kindly suggest me a solution...?
Ans: Dear Amit,
First, recognize that you need to establish a calm and safe environment for your daughter. Witnessing regular fights and hearing abusive language can affect her emotional development. Ensuring her well-being should be your top priority. When disagreements arise, try to de-escalate the situation, even if that means temporarily walking away to avoid heated exchanges. Protecting her from these conflicts will help create a more stable atmosphere.

Your wife's behavior—shifting between anger and normalcy—indicates that there might be underlying issues driving her actions. It could be unresolved frustrations, unmet expectations, or even external stressors affecting her emotions. While her way of expressing these feelings is not constructive, it's important to find a way to understand what’s fueling her anger. Having an open, non-confrontational conversation during a calm moment can be a starting point. Express your concerns about the impact of these fights on your relationship and your daughter, and make it clear that you want to work together to find solutions.

It may also be helpful to involve a neutral third party, such as a counselor or family mediator. A professional can provide a safe space for both of you to express your grievances and work on resolving them constructively. It sounds like trust and respect have eroded in your relationship, and rebuilding them requires mutual effort and clear communication.

At the same time, focus on managing your stress and mental health. The constant worry about the future and your daughter's well-being is understandably affecting your ability to concentrate on work. Practice self-care through activities that help you stay grounded, whether it’s exercise, meditation, or speaking with a trusted friend or counselor about your feelings. Taking care of yourself will help you approach these challenges with a clearer mind.

If your wife continues to threaten to leave or involve her family in ways that disrupt your peace, it’s important to consider all legal and practical options to protect your rights and ensure the best for your daughter. Consult a legal advisor to understand your rights as a father and the steps you can take to secure your daughter’s future if separation becomes unavoidable.

Ultimately, resolving this situation will require patience, empathy, and, most importantly, a focus on what’s best for your child. If both you and your wife are willing to work on the relationship, there is hope for improvement. However, if the environment remains toxic despite your efforts, prioritizing your daughter's emotional and physical safety should guide your decisions moving forward.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 22, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hii mam, since i year i am in relationship with him but nowadays fighting are increased in between both of us so what we should do and we both are responsible for the fight cause we both over react for small things
Ans: It’s common for fights to increase in a relationship when emotions are high and both partners overreact to small issues. This pattern often stems from unresolved emotions, stress, or a lack of effective communication. The good news is that recognizing this dynamic means you're already taking the first step toward improvement.

Start by reflecting on the triggers for your arguments. Think about what situations or topics usually lead to conflicts and whether they arise from unmet needs, miscommunications, or external stressors. Understanding the root causes can help you both address the real issues rather than reacting to the surface level.

When emotions run high, it’s easy to say or do things in the heat of the moment that you later regret. To prevent this, both of you can practice pausing during disagreements. Agree on a signal or phrase to use when things start to escalate, giving each other space to cool down before continuing the conversation. This approach allows you to respond calmly rather than reacting impulsively.

Another important step is to focus on improving how you communicate. Instead of placing blame or using accusatory language, express your feelings using "I" statements. For example, say, "I feel hurt when this happens" instead of "You always do this." This small shift can reduce defensiveness and encourage understanding.

It’s also crucial to nurture the positive aspects of your relationship. Make time for activities that you both enjoy and that bring you closer, whether it’s a shared hobby, a walk, or simply having an uninterrupted conversation. These moments of connection can help balance out the tension from disagreements.

Finally, remember that resolving conflicts takes patience and teamwork. It’s not about determining who’s right or wrong but about finding solutions that work for both of you. If you feel stuck or find that the fights are becoming overwhelming, consider seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist. A neutral third party can help you both understand your patterns and develop healthier ways to handle conflicts, ensuring the relationship grows stronger.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 20, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hello madam, I have been a 40-year-old married man for the last 12 years with 2 children. 6 months back I learned from call logs that my wife was in constant touch on mobile calls with another person. This stretched for 7-8 months. I confronted my wife, who assured me she would not call the person. She also informed me that she was only casually talking with the guy and nothing sexual was involved. She was speaking 2-3 times on a daily basis and call time was extended for more than 14-20 minutes. We had done counselling also and are now fine but my mind is refusing to forgive the person or my wife and sometimes I get stressed heavily and feeling anxious just thinking that my wife of 12 years had tried to move away and don't know whether such thing would get repeated.
Ans: It’s important to recognize that rebuilding trust requires effort from both partners. While counseling has helped you both move forward to some extent, it seems like the emotional impact on you hasn’t been fully addressed. This lingering anxiety and inability to forgive suggest unresolved pain and a need for deeper understanding. It might help to revisit these feelings with a professional who can focus on your perspective and guide you in processing them without blame or judgment.

Communicating openly with your wife about your fears, without accusing her, is key. Let her know how this experience continues to affect you emotionally. Explain that your concern isn’t just about what happened but also about preventing anything similar in the future. Focus on creating shared boundaries that promote trust and transparency, such as discussing emotional needs and maintaining openness about external friendships.

It’s also essential to work on reducing the anxiety that surfaces when these thoughts arise. Practice grounding techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness exercises to help calm your mind when you feel overwhelmed. Remind yourself of the positive steps you’ve both taken since the incident and the commitment you share to rebuild the relationship. By focusing on the progress you’re making as a couple, you can gradually shift your thoughts away from the past and toward a more secure future.

Finally, forgiveness is a process, not a destination. It doesn’t mean forgetting or minimizing what happened; rather, it’s about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment so that you can move forward with clarity. Take things one day at a time, and allow yourself the space to heal without pressuring yourself to “move on” before you’re ready. Trust can be rebuilt, but it requires patience, communication, and consistent effort from both partners.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x