Dear ma’am, I really appreciate you helping the community getting mentally healthy.
I feel very complicated and sleepless. Please help.
I am 45, male. My whole life, as I remember, I have been taken advantage of -- by friends, parents, siblings.
I am sensitive, I have anger but I cannot talk back or stand up for myself and try to adjust, move on, simmer within, not to talk back to elders (or anybody).
If I talk back I get so much guilt, and maybe so continue to be taken advantage of.
I have had many soft abuse/humiliation/pressure episodes with friends/family that are stuck and stuck; but those don't happen since I am grown-up, plus people are no more around. I feel I got damaged that way.
But financially since the last 20 years -- relatives, friends, father, siblings have cheated me loaning money with false promises and they don't take care about their loan responsibility and live their sporty life. Here I feel like a beggar the whole time enquiring about getting my own stuck money back, getting false promises, false reasons, hundreds of those conversations, also sometimes making me feel guilty in reverse (what is your money urgency type?) to ask my own money back.
Those people are still around.
The total runs in many lakhs just principal and nominal interest also will run that much. I don't have energy deal those people, negativity, bad values that comes along. So last few years, I just kept mum, on surface smile (internally bad memories). But that is bu**sh**
Six months ago, I decided and started cutting off those people for good. I don't need negativity. I have enough savings. I felt relaxed that I at least mentally I took that hard decision.
But other side, it is so difficult as they are close people, family, friends -- I am bound to see them at family functions, my mom/wife/kids talk with some, they may call them home also etc.
I feel afraid and super angry to even see their face, and even if they hypothetically return money -- I don't feel like accepting it also; let them remain cut off from my life.
Plus I suffer from depression since 15 years (on/off medicines) that mom/kids don't know, wife cannot really empathize.
I just feel too weak.
Did I do the right thing to cut off people and stick to that decision in future? How to face them in life then?
Ans: Dear KK,
The reason why people bend backwards to do things for people and have trouble saying NO is because they worry not being loved by others or getting their attention.
Maybe they also worry about being alone because others might reject them if a boundary is drawn.
So, find out why you have been allowing these people (family and friends) take advantage of you.
When will you find the strength to respect and value yourself?
Once you do, others will do that as well and not complain about you standing up for yourself. And there is no need to hold onto people by being nice to them by loaning money. Are they going to lie you for the money or for who you are?
Work with the person who has prescribed medicines for your depression on the deep-rooted cause for your poor self-esteem which makes you depend on others to make you feel good or feel anger when you see them.
Till you work on these, your connection with your family will be a struggle. So, help yourself first by taking care of your emotional health.
All the best!
