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Motilal Oswal Defence Fund Down - Should I Exit (Harish Parikh)?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 01, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 22, 2024Hindi
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I have invested Rs 20000 in motilal defence today value around 15000 should I exit from defence scheme help me . Thank you Harish parikh

Ans: Investing in sector-specific funds, like defence, has distinct challenges. While sectoral funds may appear promising, they carry high risks due to limited diversification. When a single sector underperforms, your entire investment can suffer, which seems to be the case with your current defence investment.

Understanding Sectoral Funds’ Volatility
Sectoral funds, like defence funds, focus on companies within one industry. This narrow focus often makes them prone to market fluctuations. For example, geopolitical changes or policy shifts can directly impact the defence sector’s performance. In contrast, diversified equity funds can balance risk by spreading investments across multiple sectors.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds Over Sectoral and Index Funds
Actively managed funds offer expert strategies to identify high-potential stocks across sectors. Unlike sectoral funds or index funds, actively managed funds give certified financial planners (CFPs) flexibility to adapt portfolios based on market conditions. This professional oversight can help safeguard your investment during downturns in any single sector.

While index funds merely replicate a market index and may appear low-cost, they lack this dynamic approach. Actively managed funds aim to outperform the index, creating more opportunities for growth.

Evaluating Direct vs. Regular Mutual Funds
If you’ve invested directly in your defence fund, reconsider the benefits of a regular plan through a certified financial planner. Direct funds may seem cost-effective but lack the guidance and professional insights that CFPs provide. Investing through a CFP offers the advantage of ongoing monitoring and adjustments that suit changing financial goals and market dynamics. This professional involvement can play a crucial role in improving your returns and minimizing potential risks.

Taxation of Mutual Funds
Be mindful of the new capital gains tax rules on mutual funds. If you sell your defence fund now, consider the tax implications:

Short-term gains are taxed at 20%.
Long-term gains above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.
Possible Steps Forward for Your Investment
Here’s how you could proceed to improve your investment potential:

Consider Exiting the Defence Fund: The fund’s performance is concerning, and it’s sector-focused. Exiting may protect you from further losses.

Reinvest in Diversified Equity Funds: Diversified funds balance risk and offer potential for growth across sectors.

Engage a Certified Financial Planner: Investing with guidance can help tailor a strategy aligned with your long-term goals.

Final Insights
Choosing sectoral funds requires careful planning and a high risk tolerance. With proper diversification and guidance, you can build a robust portfolio that aligns with your financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 10, 2024

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MOTILAL OSWAL NIFTY DEFENCE FUND WHAT IS YOUR INVESTMENT OPINION
Ans: The Motilal Oswal Nifty Defence Fund is a sector-focused fund that invests in the defence sector of India. Investing in sector-specific funds like this requires careful consideration, as the risk and return dynamics are different compared to diversified equity funds.

Let's break down the fund from an investment perspective:

Key Points to Consider
1. Sector-Specific Risk
Concentration Risk: This fund focuses on a single sector, making it highly sensitive to the performance of the defence industry. If the sector underperforms, the entire portfolio could suffer.

Cyclical Nature: The defence sector is influenced by government policies, budgets, geopolitical events, and economic cycles. It's a niche sector, and its performance can be unpredictable.

2. Limited Diversification
Unlike diversified equity funds, a sector fund like this limits your exposure to just one sector. This increases risk because the entire portfolio hinges on the performance of defence-related companies.

In contrast, actively managed diversified funds spread risk across sectors, reducing dependency on the performance of any single industry.

3. Long-Term Growth Potential
Government Focus on Defence: The Indian government is increasingly focused on self-reliance in defence, making significant investments and promoting domestic manufacturing. This could be a positive long-term growth driver for the sector.

Strategic Importance: The defence sector has strategic importance and might see consistent growth due to geopolitical factors and rising defence budgets.

4. Volatility and Timing Risk
Sectoral funds, including defence, are more volatile than diversified funds. A poor market cycle or negative news related to the sector could cause sharp declines in value.

Investing in sector funds requires timing the entry and exit carefully, which can be difficult for individual investors. Missing the right timing can result in significant losses.

5. Actively Managed Funds vs. Index Funds
Index funds, like the Motilal Oswal Nifty Defence Fund, follow a passive strategy, simply tracking the index. While this lowers costs, it also limits the fund's flexibility.

Actively managed funds, on the other hand, allow fund managers to adjust portfolios dynamically based on market conditions, potentially enhancing returns and managing risk better than a passive strategy.

6. Suitability for Your Portfolio
This fund is best suited for investors with high-risk tolerance and a strong belief in the growth potential of the defence sector.

If you already have a well-diversified portfolio and are looking to allocate a small portion to sectoral bets, this fund might be considered. However, it shouldn't form a large part of your core portfolio.

For most investors, a diversified equity fund or flexi-cap fund offers a better risk-adjusted return than sectoral funds.

Final Insights
The Motilal Oswal Nifty Defence Fund offers an opportunity to capitalize on the growth of India's defence sector, but it comes with higher risk due to sectoral concentration. If you're comfortable with volatility and have a long-term investment horizon, this fund could complement a well-diversified portfolio. However, actively managed diversified funds remain a more balanced and flexible option for most investors.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

Money
Dear Sir, I have invested in MFs like DSP,Fraklin,SBI,UTI in 2000. Should I continue or exit,Pl advise.
Ans: Your commitment to mutual funds since 2000 is impressive and shows your long-term vision.

When you hold funds for such a long period, it’s natural to evaluate whether they still serve your financial goals. Here’s a detailed analysis and guidance.

1. Review Fund Performance
Benchmark Comparison: Check if each fund has consistently outperformed its benchmark index. If not, it may be time to reassess its place in your portfolio.

Peer Comparison: Compare your funds with similar funds from other companies. A strong fund will usually perform well against peers.

Historical Returns: Evaluate the long-term returns of each fund. If a fund has consistently delivered below-average returns, consider switching to better-performing options.

2. Consider Portfolio Diversification
Check for Overlap: Holding multiple funds can sometimes lead to asset overlap, which reduces diversification benefits. Assess each fund’s holdings to ensure you’re adequately diversified.

Balanced Allocation: A well-balanced portfolio has a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. Ensure your funds provide this balance and are not overly concentrated in one sector.

Avoiding Sector Concentration: If your funds are concentrated in specific sectors, it might increase risks. Choose funds with diversified holdings to spread risk.

3. Active Funds vs. Index Funds
Benefits of Active Funds: Actively managed funds, like yours, are managed by experts who make changes based on market trends. They can provide higher returns than passively managed index funds.

Drawbacks of Index Funds: Index funds lack flexibility and merely mirror the market index. They can underperform during market downturns since they hold all stocks in the index without discretion.

Regular Funds with CFP Support: Opting for regular plans through an MFD with a Certified Financial Planner ensures tailored advice. They monitor your investments and make adjustments as needed, unlike direct plans where investors manage alone.

4. Assess Tax Implications
Equity Mutual Fund Taxation: On equity mutual funds, long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh attract a 12.5% tax rate. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt Mutual Fund Taxation: For debt funds, both LTCG and STCG are taxed as per your income tax slab. This may impact your decision to redeem or hold based on your current tax bracket.

Holding Period Benefits: Since you’ve held these funds for a long time, most of your gains qualify as LTCG, which is generally more tax-efficient than STCG.

5. Identifying Your Financial Goals
Align with Life Goals: Evaluate if these funds still align with your life goals. If they don’t, consider redirecting your investments into funds better suited to your objectives.

Future Needs and Goals: Identify future milestones, such as retirement or children’s education. Funds aligned with these goals should be reviewed to ensure they’re on track.

Emergency Requirements: If you need liquidity, assess which funds can be redeemed with minimal impact on your long-term goals. Aim to keep some funds in lower-risk assets for easy access.

6. Market Conditions and Timing
Current Market Valuation: Exiting during market highs can lock in profits. But if the market seems overvalued, consider a phased withdrawal to mitigate timing risks.

Phased Exit with STP: Use a Systematic Transfer Plan (STP) if you wish to move funds gradually. This reduces market timing risks and provides a smoother transition to other investments.

Avoid Hasty Decisions: Long-term investments are usually best held unless there is a strong reason to exit. Always weigh your options carefully and avoid impulsive decisions.

7. Consider Alternatives for Consistent Returns
Switch to High-Performing Funds: If any funds have consistently underperformed, consider switching to actively managed funds with better historical performance.

Hybrid and Debt Fund Options: Hybrid funds provide a balance of equity and debt. They’re suitable if you want to reduce market exposure without exiting completely.

Avoid Real Estate for Liquidity: Real estate lacks the flexibility and liquidity of mutual funds. Mutual funds provide easier access to funds in times of need.

8. Monitor and Rebalance Periodically
Annual Performance Review: Review your funds annually to ensure they align with your financial goals and risk profile.

Rebalancing Portfolio: Adjust your portfolio allocation based on changing market conditions and your goals. Rebalancing can help optimise returns and manage risks.

Professional Guidance: A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can help identify underperforming funds and suggest suitable replacements, ensuring your portfolio remains healthy and aligned with your goals.

Final Insights
Your long-term investment journey is truly commendable. By reviewing fund performance, aligning with goals, and rebalancing as needed, you can ensure continued growth. Seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner to maximise your portfolio’s potential.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

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I have invested lupmsum 25L in motilal oswal defence index fund at 9.5 Rs. I am looking at long term 4-5 years..will it give good returns..right now it is down to 7.79 Rs.please.advice
Ans: Your lump sum investment of Rs 25 lakh shows financial commitment.

Index funds can be predictable but have limitations.

Current Situation
Your investment is now at Rs 7.79 per unit, below the Rs 9.5 purchase price.

The defence sector can be cyclical, influenced by government policies and global events.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Limited Customisation
Index funds replicate the index. They cannot adapt to market changes actively.

A defence index fund may lack diversification as it focuses on one sector.

Missed Opportunities
Actively managed funds can seize growth in other sectors during market shifts.

Index funds may underperform during sector-specific downturns.

No Expert Intervention
Fund managers in actively managed funds rebalance portfolios.

This flexibility is absent in index funds, leading to potential stagnation.

Why Actively Managed Funds Are Better
Research-Driven Investments
Professional managers monitor economic, sectoral, and market trends.

They optimise portfolios for risk-adjusted returns.

Diversified Portfolios
Actively managed funds spread investments across sectors.

This reduces risks and captures growth in multiple industries.

Tax-Effective Withdrawals
With active funds, strategic withdrawals can help reduce tax liabilities.
Recommendations for Your Investment
Hold with Caution
Defence is a niche sector and can be volatile.

Keep a close eye on geopolitical trends and government spending.

Diversify Your Portfolio
Avoid over-reliance on one sector or investment type.

Add diversified equity and debt funds to balance risks and returns.

Consider Partial Reallocation
Shift part of your investment into actively managed funds.

This provides flexibility and reduces sector-specific risks.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner
Get a customised investment strategy based on your goals and risk appetite.

A certified planner can recommend better-performing funds.

Final Insights
Your long-term outlook is commendable but requires diversification.

Defence index funds can deliver, but only if market conditions favour the sector.

Actively managed funds could enhance your returns over time.

Build a balanced portfolio to achieve consistent growth.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
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Hello Reetika Mam, I am 48 year having privet Job. I have started investment from 2017, current value of investment is 82L and having monthly 50K SIP as below. My goal to have 2.5Cr corpus at the age of 58. Please advice... 1. Nippon India small cap -Growth Rs 5,000 2. Sundaram Mid Cap fund Regular plan-Growth Rs 5,000 3. ICICI Prudential Small Cap- Growth Rs 10,000 4. ICICI Prudential Large Cap fund-Growth Rs 5,000 5. ICICI Prudential Balanced Adv. fund-Growth Rs 5,000 6. DSP Small Cap fund Regular Growth Rs 5,000 7. Nippn India Pharma Fund- Growth Rs 5,000 8. SBI focused Fund Regular plan- Growth Rs 5,000 9. SBI Dynamic Asset Allocation Active FoF-Regular-Growth Rs 5,000
Ans: Hi,

You can easily achieve your goal of 2.5 crores after 10 years. Your current investment value of 82 lakhs alone can grow to 2.5 crores assuming CAGR of 12% and monthly 50k SIP will give additional 1.1 crores, making a total corpus of 3.6 crores at 58.

But I see a problem with your current allocation. The fund selection is more aligned towards small caps of different AMCs and very concentrated and overlapped portfolio.
You need to diversify it so as to secure your current investment while getting a decent CAGR of 12% over next 10 years.
Focus on changing your current funds to large caps and BAFs and flexicaps and avoid sectoral funds.

You can also work with an advisor to get detailed analysis of your portfolio.
Hence you should consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

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Hi, I am 32 years old, married, and have a 4-year-old daughter. My monthly take-home salary is 55,000 rupees, and my wife's salary is 31,000 rupees, making our total income 86,000 rupees. I am currently in a lot of debt. Our total EMIs amount to 99,910 rupees (total loans with an average interest rate of 12.5%), and even with my father covering most of the monthly expenses, I still spend about 10,000 rupees. This leaves me with a shortage of approximately 25,000 rupees (debt) every month. My total debt across various banks is 36,50,000 rupees, and I also have a gold loan of 14 lakhs. I cannot change the EMI or loan tenure for another year. I also have a 2 lakh rupee loan from private lenders at an 18% interest rate. My total debt is over 52 lakhs. Now, with gold and silver prices rising, I'm worried that I won't be able to buy them again. I have an opportunity to get a 2 lakh rupee loan at a 12% interest rate, and I'm thinking of using that money to buy gold and silver and then pledge them at the bank again. Half of my current gold loan is from a similar situation – I took a loan from private lenders, bought gold, and then took a gold loan from the bank to repay the private loan. Given my current situation and my family's circumstances, should I buy more gold or focus on repaying my debts? What should I do? The monthly interest on my loans is approximately 50,000 rupees, meaning 50,000 rupees of my salary goes towards interest every month. What should I do in this situation? I also have an SBI Jan Nivesh SIP of 2000 rupees per month for the last four months. I have no savings left. I am thinking of taking out term insurance and health insurance, but I am hesitating because I don't have the money. I am looking for some suggestions to get out of these debts.
Ans: Hi Surya,

You are in a very complicated situation. This whole debt trapped needs to be worked on very judiciously. Let us go through all the aspects in detail.

1. Your total monthly household salary - 86000; monthly expense - 10000 contribution as of now; monthly EMI - approx. 1 lakhs.
2. Current loans - 36.5 lakhs from various banks at 12.5%; Gold Loan - 14 lakhs; private lenders - 2 lakhs at 18% >> totalling to 52 lakhs.
3. 50k interest per month payable - implies capital payment is very less leading to more problem.

- Keen on buying gold with loan. This is where more problem will began. Avoid buying gold using loan.
- Your focus should be on reducing your debt instead of increasing it.

Strategy to follow:
1. Close the loan with higher interest rate - 2 lakh personal lender. This will reduce your EMI and give you more potential to prepay other loans.
2. Try and take financial help from your family in prepaying small loans from banks. This can reduce your burden.
3. If you have any unused assets, can sell them to pay off your loans.

Points to NOTE:
> Avoid taking any more loans.
> When your EMI burden reduces, do make an emergency fund of 2-3 lakhs for yourself for any uncetain situation.
> Make sure to have a health insurance for yourself and family.
> Can stop your investments for now. They are of no use if your EMIs are more than your income. Can start investing once your EMI's reduce atleast by 20-30% for you.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hello Sir ; I am 55 years old & have decided to retire by end of 2025 . My wife is in teaching profession , earns appx. 3.5 L / annum & will continue her service till 2037( @60 yrs. of age ) . My only child is an intellectually disabled person ( with Autism ) , 14 years of age & will be incapable to earn . As on date , I have 60 L in MF , going to sell a property by end of this year @ 41 L ( it is fixed ) , appx 5L in Bank & postal FD . My wife have 45L in MF as on date & 3 fully paid premium ULIP policy which will be matured by 2030. She can get appx. 25 L from there . This is by and large my family financial status . Now , my queries to you that with this corpus , how we manage our ( myself & wife’s ) livelihood & most important that to manage a continuous cash flow for my disabled child till his age 65 i.e. 50 years from now . Primarily , I have thought of SWP & MIS schemes to get regular income for th retirement . My present family expense is appx. 1L per month . Therefore , I do seek your expert advice in this regards . I will be highly obliged if you kindly address to my query . thanking you , with best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty.
Ans: Hi Suprabhat,

Let us analyse all things in detail - one at a time.
1. 5L in Bank and FD - this is your emergency fund. But if there is a lock-in on the postal FD, you need atleast 5 lakhs in bank FD as your emergency fund.
2. Health Insurance - it is the prime requirement for you and your family. You should have one covering you, your spouse as well as your kid. It will help you in uncertain health conditions of youself and family.
3. ULIP Policy - Usually policies like such are not beneficial. But these are all paid-up, good point here. Whenever you get this, try to invest it in equity and hybrid mutual funds.
4. You will get 41 lakhs from property selling. Invest the entire amount in mutual funds, a mix of equity and debt funds.
5. Cumulative MF portfolio = 1.05 crores. As the entire corpus is huge, take the advice of a proper advisor on managing your overall investments and portfolio. A guided investment always generates better result than a random portfolio.

Your annual needs - 12 lakhs; Wife will earn - 3.5 lakhs till 2037. You need additional 8.5 lakhs per year to manage your expenses.
- You can initiate a SWP from your overall savings after allocating it in correct funds with the help of advisor.
- You need to have a dedicated corpus for your son's need in your absence. Atleast 50-70 lakhs should be kept solely for your son.
- The overall corpus seems insufficient to meet your requirements for now. You can either postpone your retirement and create an additional savings corpus for your future and son. Or you may consider to work on your monthly budget.

Do work with a professional advisor to guide you with exact funds to meet your desired goals.
Hence consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 17, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am 43 years old married man, arranged marriage. Married for past 13 years with 4 kids (aged 2, 3, 10 and 13). I work abroad with good salary package and live with my family. My wife is MSc. and home maker. She teaches the kids and cooks and takes good care of kids. I am academic research scholar. From the start of our marriage, I noticed my wife does not open much and moderate religious person. I am also not very extrovert person. I work from 8 am to 5 pm in office which is walkable distance from my house. After coming from office, I help her in kichen daily, look after the kids, help kids in math, clean the house, put the yougest kid to sleep, then I get some 'me' time which happens only after 11:30 pm in the night. I dont use phone untill everybody is sleep or my kids dont allow me to use phone while i am playing with them. Now sometimes I feel we are just room mates with 1-2 times sex in a month. In terms of love with my wife, I initiate all the time, she never expresses love. I am not very possessive kind of person. She does not show any interest in my work and never ask me hows my day etc. She only smiles and rarely laught. I thought may be it will improve with time. There is no money issue, she buys what ever she likes. She has her own card and I provide extra money if she asks. I assumed may be she does not like me from the beginning but staying in marriage due to family pressure and kids. I am average looking person and dont accept everything what she says in terms of investment, holiday etc. I had accepted my fate. She started doing book writing and publishing online and now earning and keeping separate account, She is very excited about it and feels happy and shares with me the publication but not the earnings. I give suggestions and money what ever she asks for marketting and promotion etc. I am happy for her. Recently I came across an email in her phone which was from her ex. There was a long deleted chat, in summary they were madly in love but could not get married, i dont know the reason or even she never spoke about him. they kept chatting even after our marriage. Her ex got married and divorsed with one grownup kid. He is single and work abroad in a different country with good salary package (may be better than mine). She emailed him after long time I guess but now she is secretly chatting with him very often. she keeps her phone locked and deletes the chats. He is also interested and asking her to leave and marry him. She is not saying yes to him but regrets that she married me. At this point I dont know if I should talk to her regarding this but she will definitely be upset to know i checked her phone. Few years back we had a major fight (that time i didnot know about her ex), i had proposed for divorse and settle it mutually if she is not happy with me but she denied and stayed. I dont know what I should do to make her happy. we both are from very respected family in the society and I dont know if her parents knew about her affair. Even though she is chatting with him but she behaves very normal with me, no fight no argument, as if nothing is happening. I dont know whats in her mind, is she just casually chatting with him or buying time, waiting for the right moment to leave? Shall I file for divorse or accept my fate as room mates. Am I worrying too much?
Ans: First, let me say this clearly: you are not worrying “too much.” Your concerns are valid. When emotional connection, affection, and curiosity about each other’s inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust. The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication, and expressing regret about marrying you — even if not directly to your face — is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn’t automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.
At the same time, it’s important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation. Right now, the most important thing is clarity — for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty, and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation, or routine.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone. Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: you’ve been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you’re always the one initiating closeness, and recently you’ve felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life. You don’t need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.
Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone, but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world, and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you. A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal — but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimizes your feelings, or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.
It’s also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone, but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship. Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behavior, but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counseling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs. A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild, or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.
As for “accepting your fate,” I want to be very clear: accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired, and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure. Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure, but from adults who model honesty, self-respect, and emotional responsibility.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone. The next step is not divorce or resignation — it’s an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth. From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it’s difficult.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My husband doesn't lock the door when we have s**. This was the main reason for his ex-wife to divorce him. His parents feel that it is safer to keep the door unlocked in case of emergencies. But honestly,I feel awkward. I am not comfortable. Once his sister casually walked in to pick up some stuff, ignoring us on the bed. I was clothed but it still made me feel uncomfortable. We don't have a private bedroom but we use the bed at night. There are two shared wardrobes in the room which people need to access. I have explained this to my husband but he says I need to learn to adjust and work around it. Even if the door is closed, I always fear that someone might just walk in. What to do?
Ans: This is not a small preference issue. This is about personal boundaries and bodily autonomy. Even if nothing “bad” has happened, the fear of being walked in on is enough to make your body stay tense. That anxiety alone can affect your sense of dignity, desire, and emotional security. The fact that his ex-wife divorced him over the same issue tells you that this pattern is longstanding and not something you are imagining.
Your husband and his parents may frame this as “safety” or “emergency access,” but that argument does not hold when weighed against your right to privacy. Emergencies are rare; violations of comfort are happening now. A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence—it means respect. Many families manage emergencies with simple alternatives like knocking, calling out, or keeping keys for true emergencies. What’s happening instead is that your need for privacy is being minimized, and you are being asked to suppress discomfort for the convenience of others.
The incident with his sister casually entering is especially important. Even though you were clothed, your body registered that as a boundary breach. The fact that it was brushed off is likely reinforcing your fear that this could happen again. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and sexual comfort—not because you’re “overthinking,” but because your nervous system is constantly on alert.
You need to shift the conversation with your husband away from “adjustment” and toward non-negotiable boundaries. This isn’t about arguing logic; it’s about stating a clear emotional and physical limit. You might say something like:
“I cannot feel safe or comfortable being intimate without privacy. This isn’t something I can adjust to. If intimacy continues without a locked door, I will start avoiding it—not out of punishment, but because my body feels unsafe.”
That’s not a threat. That’s honesty.
If the room layout is genuinely impractical, then the solution is not for you to tolerate discomfort, but for the household to change logistics—restricted access at night, fixed timings, or creating a private space. Privacy is a shared responsibility, not a burden placed on one person to endure.
If your husband continues to dismiss this after you clearly express it, that’s a deeper issue than doors. It signals a lack of attunement to your emotional safety, and that deserves serious attention—possibly with a counselor, especially given that this issue has already broken a marriage before.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for respect.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1754 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Relationship
Mam, I know some ways by which i can change my state of mind from lazy to working.. and having pressure/deadline helps to move on. But still I'm get trapped in guilt of actions and don't feel confident that next time i will be able to control myself..( cuz some actions give short pleasure/gratification easily.. but guilts also). And in all those silent, sad, depressed emotional time my Real working time gets wasted.. and feels like I just live in more guilt and saddness..even if it hurts. But don't wanna live like that!! What I do?
Ans: Dear Work,
Focus in any area of Life comes only when you realize WHY you are doing WHAT you are doing in that area.
For eg: If you decide to lose weight and just randomly join the gym without understanding WHY you are in the gym, a few days later, you will drop out. Mind you, that LOSING WEIGHT is not your reason; WHY do you want to lose that weight is the only thing that will keep you focused and motivated.
Hence, if you are giving into short term distractions, then obviously whatever it is that you are doing is not interesting you and so you get easily distracted.
Take one area of your life at a time; drop your goals in paper and mark a strong WHY against each. If it isn't motivating you enough, go back to the Drawing Board and do the exercise until you find that fire in your belly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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