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68-Year-Old Investor Asks: Is It Wise to Use Equity as Collateral for Apartment Construction?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 02, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 02, 2024Hindi
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Date: 02.08.2024 Dear Sir I am 68 yrs old. I have invested 40L in various equities since last 44 years & 50L in Equity based M/F’s since last 14 years. Current market value is around 1.8cr & 1.6cr respectively & it may grow by 20% CAGR. As per my assumptions in the next 7 years of period total market value will be around 10cr approx. Also I have a land property valued 3cr. Now I am planning to build 6 floor residential apartments on it. For this I need a fund around 2cr for construction & I am planning to raise funds from overdraft loans against my Equity shares & M/F at the rate 10.35%.approx I do not have any other source to raise the reqd. fund and I do not have any other liabilities. I am planning SWP of Rs. 10 lacs every year to repay interest on OD. Further I may sell out one floor to clear my overdraft loans after full construction. Are my thoughts correct in your opinion? I need your practical advice & guidance in this regard please. Thanks & Regards

Ans: Current Financial Situation

You have a strong investment portfolio worth Rs. 3.4 crore.
Your equity investments have grown well over 44 years.
Mutual fund investments also show good growth in 14 years.
You own a valuable land property worth Rs. 3 crore.

Proposed Plan

You want to build a 6-floor residential apartment.
You need Rs. 2 crore for construction costs.
Planning to take overdraft loans against equity and mutual funds.
Intend to repay interest through SWP of Rs. 10 lakh yearly.
Plan to sell one floor to clear overdraft loans.

Risks to Consider

Construction costs may exceed your estimates.
Market volatility could affect your investment values.
Interest rates on overdraft loans may increase.
Property market conditions may change.

Alternative Funding Options

Consider selling some equity or mutual fund units.
This could reduce your loan burden and interest costs.
Look into construction loans from banks.
They may offer better interest rates than overdraft loans.

Tax Implications

Selling investments may lead to capital gains tax.
Property sale will also have tax implications.
Plan for these taxes in your financial calculations.

Cash Flow Management

Ensure you have enough regular income for daily expenses.
Don't rely solely on investments for living costs.
Keep some funds aside for emergencies.

Investment Portfolio Review

Your portfolio has performed well over the years.
Consider rebalancing to maintain proper asset allocation.
Actively managed funds can help navigate market changes.

Construction Project Management

Get detailed cost estimates from reliable contractors.
Factor in potential delays and cost overruns.
Consider hiring a project manager to oversee construction.

Exit Strategy

Have a clear plan for selling or renting the apartments.
Research local property market trends.
Be prepared for possible delays in property sale.

Retirement Planning

Ensure this project doesn't jeopardize your retirement savings.
Keep a portion of your investments untouched for future needs.
Regular funds through CFP can provide ongoing guidance.

Finally

Your plan has potential but carries significant risks.
Consider less risky alternatives to achieve your goals.
Consult a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice.
Regular review of your financial situation is crucial.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 10, 2024Hindi
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Hi..I am 49 years old I have Stocks of Rs.1.40 Crores, PPF Rs. 20 Lakhs, EPF Rs.25 Lakhs, Rs 20 Lakhs in SGV and Mutual Fund., Real Estate of Rs.55 Lakhs Purchase value with a loan of Rs.24 Lakhs outstanding. I want to purchase a house of Rs.1.60 Crore. Monthly avilable to investment 1.5 lakhs Job is at stake now..Should I purchase the house for staying AT 58 YEARS if job is not yhere in 8 months down the line. Also if I purchase the 2nd house for staying, should I sell the first house which I can get Rs.35 to Rs.40 lalhs after paying my loan and pay for 2nd house or invest in mutual fud and withdraw from the corpus. Secondly. Should I sell part of my stock to pay part of my 2nd house purchase or keep the sale proceeds in Mutual fund and then do a sWP and pay the 2nd house. Thirdly, Stocks I have got about 15 to 10 percent returns in last 2 years Should I keep the complete stock or take out 40 or 50 percent and invest in Mid cap and small cap mutual funds? Fourth If you want to invest 50 lakhs in Small and Mid cap funds..Is it better to go for 4 funds (2 in each category )or 2 funds ( one is each category)
Ans: Current Financial Situation
Assets
Stocks: Rs 1.40 crores
PPF: Rs 20 lakhs
EPF: Rs 25 lakhs
SGBs: Rs 20 lakhs
Mutual Funds: Rs 20 lakhs
Real Estate: Rs 55 lakhs (purchase value) with an outstanding loan of Rs 24 lakhs
Income and Investment Capacity
Monthly Available for Investment: Rs 1.5 lakhs
Job Security: At risk, with potential job loss in 8 months
Goals and Questions
Purchasing a House for Rs 1.60 Crores
You plan to buy a second house for Rs 1.60 crores. You are considering selling your current house and using the proceeds, along with your investments, to fund the purchase.

Key Questions
Should I purchase the house for staying at 58 years if job is not secure?
Should I sell the first house and use the proceeds for the second house, or invest in mutual funds and withdraw from the corpus?
Should I sell part of my stocks to pay for the second house, or keep the proceeds in mutual funds and use SWP?
Should I move some stock investments to mid-cap and small-cap mutual funds?
Is it better to invest Rs 50 lakhs in small and mid-cap funds across 2 or 4 funds?
Detailed Analysis
Purchasing the House
Job Security and Financial Stability
Given the potential job loss, ensure financial stability first. Buying a house worth Rs 1.60 crores may strain your finances if your job is at risk.

Using Proceeds from the First House
Selling the First House
Proceeds: Selling the first house can get you Rs 35-40 lakhs after paying off the loan. This can be used towards the purchase of the second house.
Investing in Mutual Funds
Investing Proceeds: If you invest the proceeds in mutual funds, you can withdraw through a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) to fund the second house. This approach can offer better returns compared to keeping the funds idle.
Selling Stocks for the Second House
Selling Stocks
Partial Sale: Consider selling part of your stock portfolio. This can provide liquidity for the house purchase. However, do not liquidate all stocks, as they offer growth potential.
Investing in Mutual Funds
SWP Strategy: Transfer the sale proceeds to mutual funds and use an SWP for steady payments towards the house. This offers tax efficiency and better returns.
Stock Portfolio Adjustment
Current Returns
Returns: Your stocks have given 10-15% returns over the last two years. This is a decent performance.
Diversifying to Mutual Funds
Reallocation: Moving 40-50% of your stock investments to mid-cap and small-cap mutual funds can diversify your risk and offer higher growth potential.
Investment in Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Funds
Number of Funds
4 Funds Approach: Invest Rs 50 lakhs across 4 funds (2 in mid-cap and 2 in small-cap). This diversifies your risk and provides exposure to different fund management styles.
Recommendations
Prioritise Financial Stability
Ensure you have enough liquidity and emergency funds, given your job risk.
Avoid making large financial commitments like purchasing a new house if job security is uncertain.
Using First House Proceeds
Sell your first house and use the proceeds towards the second house.
If not buying immediately, invest the proceeds in mutual funds and use SWP for payments.
Managing Stock Investments
Sell a portion of your stocks to generate liquidity.
Reinvest in mutual funds, especially mid-cap and small-cap, for better diversification and potential returns.
Mutual Fund Strategy
Invest Rs 50 lakhs in 4 funds (2 mid-cap, 2 small-cap) for balanced diversification.
Ensure the funds are actively managed for better performance.
Final Insights
Maintain financial stability given your job situation. Diversify your investments to reduce risk. Prioritise liquidity and ensure you have enough funds to cover potential job loss. Consider professional advice for a tailored strategy.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 21, 2024Hindi
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Hello, I need some opinions/advice/guidance in the following matter. I am 68 yrs old and I have invested 40Lakh in various equities & 50Lalk in Equity based M/F’s since last 14 years. Current market value is around 1.8crore & 1.6crore respectively & it may grow by 20% CAGR as per my assumption in the next 7 years and total market value may hit around 10crore mark. I have a land property valued 3crore where I am planning to build a 5 floor residential apartment on it. For this I need a fund around 2crores for construction & I am planning to raise funds from overdraft loans against my Equity shares & M/F at the rate 10.35%.approx . I do not have any other source to raise the required funds as I am retired now and I do not have any other liabilities. I am planning SWP of 10lacs every year to repay interest on OD. I wish that I would be able to pay off any loans and OD WITHOUT having to sell any apartment/unit. Will this be possible? Is there any other way? Thanks
Ans: Your efforts in building a substantial equity and mutual fund portfolio are commendable. Planning the construction of a residential apartment is an ambitious goal. Let us evaluate your plan step by step and explore alternatives.

Financial Overview
Equity Investments: Current market value of Rs 1.8 crore.
Equity Mutual Funds: Current market value of Rs 1.6 crore.
Expected Growth: Assuming 20% CAGR over 7 years, the portfolio may grow significantly.
Land Value: Rs 3 crore.
Construction Funding Needed: Rs 2 crore.
Plan for Funds: Overdraft loan against equities and mutual funds at 10.35%.
Assessment of Overdraft Loan Plan
Advantages
No Asset Liquidation: You retain ownership of your investments, benefiting from potential growth.
Flexible Repayment: Overdraft loans allow partial repayments, easing financial pressure.
Concerns
High Interest Rate: 10.35% on Rs 2 crore results in an annual interest of Rs 20.7 lakh.
Repayment through SWP: An annual SWP of Rs 10 lakh may not fully cover the interest.
Market Volatility: Fluctuations in market value could affect the collateral margin.
Risk of Insufficient Growth
If investments fail to achieve 20% CAGR, loan repayment may become challenging.
Exploring Alternatives
1. Partial Liquidation of Investments
Sell a Portion of Portfolio: Liquidating Rs 1 crore from your equity portfolio can reduce loan dependency.
Benefits: Lower loan amount decreases interest burden significantly.
2. Phased Construction
Stagger Construction Phases: Build the apartment in phases, reducing immediate fund requirements.
Benefits: Spreads out financial pressure and allows cash inflows from initial unit sales or rent.
3. Explore Joint Venture Options
Partner with a Developer: Share the construction cost and revenue with a reputed builder.
Benefits: Reduces upfront financial strain while retaining ownership of some units.
4. Leasing Out Units Post-Construction
Generate Rental Income: Post-construction, lease out units for regular cash flow.
Benefits: Supports loan repayment without liquidating the portfolio.
Revised Strategy for Loan Repayment
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
Increase SWP Amount: Consider an SWP of Rs 15-20 lakh annually instead of Rs 10 lakh.
Combine with Partial Liquidation: Use SWP and proceeds from partial liquidation for interest repayment.
Mitigate Loan Risk
Prepay Loan with Surplus Income: Allocate any excess cash flows or savings to reduce loan tenure.
Reassess Growth Assumptions: Lower expected CAGR to 12-15% for a conservative approach.
Tax Implications
Equity Gains Tax: Long-term capital gains above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.
Plan Withdrawals Efficiently: Use tax-efficient strategies to minimise outgo.
Final Insights
Your plan to raise funds through an overdraft loan is viable but carries risks. Combining this with a partial liquidation of investments or phased construction can reduce stress. Joint ventures or rental income from units could provide additional financial stability. Consult a Certified Financial Planner to design a comprehensive strategy and avoid over-leveraging.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 24, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 24, 2025Hindi
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24.01.2025 Respected Sir, I have a land property valued 3cr. Now on this plot I am planning to build P+5 floor residential apartments For this I need a fund around 2.5cr for construction. Now I am 68 yrs old. I have invested 40L in various equities since last 44 years & 45L in Equity based M/F’s since last 14 years. Current market value is around 1.5cr & 1.60cr respectively. I am planning to raise funds from overdraft loans against my Equity shares & M/F at the current interest rate 10.35%.approx. I do not have any other source to raise the reqd. fund and I do not have any other liabilities. As per my assumptions in the next 7 to 8 years of period total market value of above investments will be around 10cr approx. I am planning SWP of Rs. 10 lacs every year to repay interest on OD. In what other ways is this possible to repay the dues? With out selling any unit of my property. Or In critical situation if arise I may sell out one unit to clear my OD loan debt. As a financial planning expert are my thoughts are correct in your opinion? I need your professional /practical advice & valuable guidance in this regard please. Please reply to my above query as early as possible. Thanks & Regards
Ans: Your plan demonstrates a well-thought-out approach to leveraging your investments while keeping liabilities manageable. Your decision to raise funds through an overdraft loan against shares and mutual funds is practical given the significant market value of your investments. However, there are a few aspects to evaluate for better clarity and financial stability.

Advantages of Your Strategy
Liquidity Without Selling Investments: Using an overdraft loan against your equity and mutual fund investments helps retain the assets.

SWP to Cover Interest Payments: A systematic withdrawal plan (SWP) ensures regular cash flow to meet interest expenses.

Property Value as Collateral: Your land property provides additional financial security.

Future Potential of Investments: Your expectation of Rs. 10 crore over 7-8 years appears reasonable given historical growth trends.

Concerns and Potential Risks
Market Volatility: Both equities and mutual funds are subject to market fluctuations.

Interest Burden: Over time, the compounding of the interest at 10.35% could strain liquidity.

Delays in Property Completion: Construction delays could impact cash flow plans.

Over-dependence on SWP: Over-reliance on SWP can erode long-term wealth if markets underperform.

Alternative Ways to Manage Overdraft Loan
Diversify Funding Sources
Split the Loan Amount: Explore partial loans from banks or NBFCs secured by the property itself.

Loan Against Fixed Deposits: Use your FD as collateral for a part of the loan.

Consider a Lower-Interest Loan: Negotiate with lenders for a lower interest rate.

Optimise SWP Strategy
Adjust Withdrawal Amount: Reduce SWP if the market experiences a downturn.

Partial Sale of Underperforming Units: Sell a small portion of underperforming investments to reduce the loan burden.

Construction Phasing
Build in Phases: Start with 2-3 floors initially to reduce the upfront loan requirement.

Rental Income from Early Units: Generate income from completed units to support loan repayment.

Emergency Backup Plan
Sell a Unit if Needed: Keep the option of selling one residential unit open to clear the loan.

Gold as Last Resort: Liquidate a small portion of gold only in extreme situations.

Tax Implications
Interest Deduction: Interest paid on loans for property construction could have tax benefits. Consult a tax expert for clarity.

Capital Gains on SWP Withdrawals: Gains from equity mutual fund SWP above Rs. 1.25 lakh per year will be taxed at 12.5%. Ensure tax liabilities are factored in.

Sale of Units: If you sell a unit to repay the loan, calculate the long-term capital gains taxes.

Key Points for Wealth Growth
Reinvest Profits Post Loan Repayment: Post-repayment, redirect surplus to equity or mutual funds for wealth growth.

Monitor Investments Regularly: Periodically review the performance of equity shares and mutual funds.

Diversify Investments: Post-retirement, ensure a diversified portfolio for steady income and wealth preservation.

Finally
Your plan is practical and aligns with your financial goals. However, diversification of funding sources, optimising SWP, and monitoring loan repayment are crucial. Prepare for market volatility and create an emergency backup plan. This approach ensures stability while maximising wealth creation.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
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I am 66 years old and retired and have one daughter married and well settled and has 2 children aged 5 years son and 3 years daughter. I have no liabilities and have a family income of Rs.3 lakhs per month thru rental. My monthly expenses is Rs 50 K per month and annual payments of medical, vehicle and property tax is Rs.3.25 Lakhs. I have direct equity invested around 1.2 CR and Invested in PMS now valued at Rs.85 Lakhs. I have plot valued at 1.6 CR and 2 independent house valued at 3cr. I have a commercial property which gives me above rental is valued at Rs.5 CR. Now kindly advise me how i should investment my earnings which will help my daughter and 2 grand children for for their future education. My above income is after paying the taxes to the government. I lead a simple life and travel every year 2 times.
Ans: Your financial position is strong with no liabilities.

Monthly rental income of Rs. 3 lakhs covers your expenses and lifestyle.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 and annual expenses of Rs. 3.25 lakhs leave ample surplus.

You have diversified assets, including equity (Rs. 1.2 crore), PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs), real estate (Rs. 9.6 crore), and regular rental income.

You lead a simple life, which allows significant potential for wealth accumulation and legacy planning.

Investment Goals
Your primary focus is to:

Ensure financial security for your family.

Support your daughter and grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Maintain sufficient liquidity for personal travel and unexpected medical costs.

Recommendations for Asset Allocation
1. Equity Investments
Your current direct equity portfolio (Rs. 1.2 crore) and PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs) are commendable.

Direct equity requires active tracking and expertise.

Shift part of your direct equity to regular mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular funds offer professional management and long-term growth.

Retain PMS if it meets your return expectations and aligns with your risk appetite.

2. Emergency Fund
Allocate 6–12 months of expenses to liquid funds.

This ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses or emergencies.

Investments for Daughter and Grandchildren
1. Education Fund for Grandchildren
Start investing in child-focused mutual funds for their education.

Choose regular funds through an experienced Certified Financial Planner.

These funds offer professional management and goal-based growth.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity funds can help accumulate the required corpus.

2. Legacy Fund
Invest in diversified mutual funds for wealth creation.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.

This portfolio can grow steadily while preserving wealth.

Real Estate Diversification
Avoid further investments in real estate.

Real estate is illiquid and challenging to manage during retirement.

Liquidate one property if diversification is needed.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds or bonds.

Fixed Income Options
Consider investing in corporate bonds or debentures for steady income.

Choose bonds rated “AAA” for safety.

Avoid annuities as they provide low returns and limited flexibility.

Tax-Efficient Planning
Review tax-saving strategies with a Certified Financial Planner.

Equity investments (LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%) are tax-efficient.

Ensure proper tax documentation for real estate and rental income.

Track PMS returns and tax implications yearly.

Liquidity and Annual Expenses
Set aside Rs. 25–30 lakhs in a liquid fund.

This covers your annual travel, property taxes, and medical expenses.

Keep medical insurance for yourself and your family updated.

Succession and Estate Planning
Create a will to ensure smooth asset transfer.

Include clear instructions for property distribution.

Discuss creating a trust for your grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Travel and Lifestyle Funding
Use rental income surplus to fund annual travel.

Avoid withdrawing from long-term investments for discretionary expenses.

Final Insights
You have built a strong financial foundation.

Focus on simplifying investments for better management.

Diversify and invest in professionally managed mutual funds.

Plan for family needs with a balanced approach to risk and growth.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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