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Should I Switch My DSP Midcap MF Investment?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6814 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 11, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Gopalkrishna Question by Gopalkrishna on Oct 10, 2024Hindi
Money

Hi sir currently i am investing in DSP midcap MF and i am thinking of switching to other midcap MF, what is your opinion?

Ans: Investing in midcap mutual funds has its own charm and challenges. Your decision to switch from one midcap mutual fund to another needs careful consideration. Let's evaluate the various aspects before you take any step.

Three key aspects need to be analysed before switching your fund:

Performance Evaluation

Before switching, it’s essential to review the performance of your current midcap mutual fund over the last 3, 5, and 10 years. Midcap funds, by nature, are volatile and may have fluctuations in short-term performance. However, focus on the long-term performance and consistency.

Look at the fund's performance against its benchmark and peer group. If your current fund has outperformed its peers in the long run, there may not be a need to switch. A short-term dip doesn't necessarily mean the fund is underperforming.

Fund Manager's Expertise

Fund managers play a crucial role in determining the success of actively managed funds. Check the experience and track record of the fund manager who is managing your current midcap fund. If the fund manager has a consistent and reliable track record, it could be better to stick with the fund.

If the current fund has undergone a change in its fund management team, and you feel the new manager lacks the experience or expertise, this could be a valid reason to consider switching.

Expense Ratio and Costs

The expense ratio of the fund is a critical factor. A high expense ratio can erode your returns, especially in the long term. Compare the expense ratios of your current midcap fund and the new fund you are considering. If the new fund offers a lower expense ratio with similar or better performance, it might be a better option for you.

Besides the expense ratio, switching funds may involve exit loads and tax implications. If your fund is under three years of holding, you'll have to pay short-term capital gains tax, which is taxed as per your income tax slab. Ensure the cost of switching does not outweigh the potential benefits.

Actively Managed Funds Vs Index Funds

Since you haven’t mentioned index funds, let me clarify why you should avoid them when looking for midcap investments. Index funds track the market passively and don't have the advantage of a skilled fund manager who can spot opportunities and make necessary changes. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, can offer better returns by responding to market changes. They can outperform index funds during volatility.

Additionally, index funds often don't offer the flexibility needed in midcap investments. Midcaps are volatile, and a skilled fund manager is needed to navigate through market cycles.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds

It’s important to highlight why investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) and choosing regular funds over direct funds can be more beneficial. Direct funds often appear attractive due to their lower expense ratio, but they lack professional advice.

A CFP provides ongoing monitoring, advice, and tailored solutions based on your financial goals. By investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with CFP credentials, you ensure that your investment decisions are backed by expertise, regular reviews, and alignment with your financial plan.

Direct funds can save some costs, but if not monitored properly, you might miss out on critical opportunities to adjust your portfolio during market changes.

Tax Implications of Switching

Switching funds can trigger capital gains tax. When selling equity mutual funds like midcap funds, the new tax regime applies:

Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.
Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.
Keep these taxes in mind before making the switch. Ensure the potential tax outgo does not reduce your overall returns.

Risk Profile and Financial Goals

Midcap funds are volatile and suitable for investors with a high-risk appetite. Review your risk tolerance and financial goals before making a switch. If your financial goals have changed, it might be wise to reconsider the category of funds you're investing in. However, if you still have a long-term horizon and can handle short-term fluctuations, sticking to midcap funds makes sense.

But don’t switch just because of short-term underperformance. Midcaps perform well in the long run if you give them time to grow. Ensure your goals align with the midcap category.

Diversification of Portfolio

Before switching to another midcap fund, ensure that your overall portfolio is well-diversified. Investing too much in midcap funds may expose you to high risk. Ensure that you have adequate exposure to other categories like large-cap and multi-cap funds.

A balanced portfolio with diversified assets is crucial for long-term growth and stability.

Exit Strategy and Reinvestment

If you are still convinced about switching, plan a systematic exit strategy. Instead of redeeming your entire investment in one go, you can consider systematic withdrawal plans (SWP) to reduce the tax burden and market impact.

When reinvesting in a new fund, avoid a lump-sum approach. Instead, opt for a systematic transfer plan (STP), which allows you to invest in a new fund in smaller instalments. This can reduce the impact of market volatility and give you better returns over time.

Review Alternative Options

Before you switch, review the alternatives available in the midcap category. Compare different funds based on their risk-adjusted returns, volatility, and consistency. Stick to funds with a good track record and experienced fund managers.

But don’t jump to conclusions by focusing only on short-term gains. Midcap funds require a long-term horizon to bear fruit.

Final Insights

Switching from one midcap fund to another can seem like a wise move when performance dips. However, a more detailed analysis is crucial before making the decision. Here’s what you should remember:

Evaluate the long-term performance of your current fund.
Consider the role of the fund manager and management team stability.
Check the expense ratio, exit load, and taxes involved in switching.
Don't underestimate the benefits of professional guidance through a Certified Financial Planner.
Ensure that your investment aligns with your long-term goals and risk tolerance.
Diversify your portfolio before making any switches.
Taking a well-rounded and informed approach is key to ensuring that your midcap investments continue to grow. Avoid hasty decisions based on short-term fluctuations, and always plan for the long-term benefits.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6814 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 09, 2024

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Sir, i have been investing in Large cap direct MF , shall i close them and move to largege cap index fund ? Same startegy for mid , small and mirco cap ?
Ans: Transitioning from actively managed mutual funds to index funds requires careful consideration of your investment objectives, risk tolerance, and market dynamics.

While index funds offer lower expense ratios and passive management, they may not always outperform actively managed funds, especially during market fluctuations or when specific sectors outperform the broader market.

Here's a breakdown of factors to consider:

Large Cap Funds: If your large-cap direct mutual funds have consistently underperformed their benchmark indices, or if you prefer a more passive approach with lower costs, transitioning to large-cap index funds could be an option. However, ensure you understand the implications of switching, including potential tax consequences and performance variations.
Mid, Small, and Micro Cap Funds: These segments of the market often require active management to identify promising opportunities and manage risks effectively. While index funds may provide broad exposure, actively managed funds can capitalize on market inefficiencies and deliver potentially higher returns. Evaluate the track record of your existing funds and consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner to determine the best approach based on your investment goals and risk profile.
When transitioning between funds, consider the following:

Tax Implications: Exiting existing investments may trigger capital gains tax liabilities. Assess the tax implications of switching funds and evaluate whether the potential benefits outweigh the costs.
Performance Comparison: Compare the historical performance of your current funds with relevant index benchmarks. Evaluate factors such as consistency, risk-adjusted returns, and fund manager expertise before making a decision.
Cost Analysis: Consider the impact of expense ratios and transaction costs on your investment returns. While index funds typically have lower costs, ensure that the benefits justify any potential performance trade-offs.
Diversification: Review your overall portfolio diversification and ensure that any changes align with your asset allocation strategy and long-term financial goals.
Ultimately, the decision to switch from actively managed funds to index funds should be based on a thorough assessment of your individual circumstances and investment objectives. Consulting with a Certified Financial Planner can provide valuable insights and personalized guidance tailored to your specific needs.

there are some advantages to consider direct funds, and the cost savings can be significant in the long run. However, there are some potential benefits to using a regular MFD:

Advantages of Investing Through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD):

Personalized Advice: MFDs can be helpful for beginners or those who lack investment knowledge. They can assess your risk tolerance, financial goals, and investment horizon to recommend suitable mutual funds. This personalized guidance can be valuable, especially if you're new to investing.
Convenience: MFDs handle all the paperwork and transactions on your behalf, saving you time and effort. They can help with account setup, SIP registrations, and managing your portfolio across different funds.
Investor Support: MFDs can be a point of contact for any questions or concerns you may have about your investments. They can provide ongoing support and guidance throughout your investment journey.


Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6814 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 26, 2024

Money
I am investing 3K in HDFC Multicap, 2K in Quant Midcap and 1K in Quant Small cap, through SIP. I am a long term investor (above 10 years). Is this a correct portfolio? Should I not invest 2 schemes in a same MF house (Quant) as shares may overlap and not diversified investment styles? Please rebalnce the MF houses for me.
Ans: Building a long-term mutual fund portfolio requires diversification, both in terms of market capitalization and fund house selection. Your current portfolio with two schemes from a single fund house does raise a question about overlap. Let’s evaluate your approach from a broader perspective and adjust the structure for more balanced diversification.

Evaluating Your Current Portfolio
Your portfolio is structured with:

A Multicap Fund: This fund provides diversified exposure across large, mid, and small-cap stocks, offering stability and growth potential.

A Midcap Fund: Midcap funds are designed to add growth with some volatility, often balancing the large-cap weight in a portfolio.

A Small-Cap Fund: This segment offers higher growth potential, though it comes with more risk.

Diversifying Fund Houses for Better Balance
It’s sensible to diversify fund houses when investing across categories. Different fund houses follow varied management styles, risk-taking strategies, and research processes, leading to more unique exposure.

Potential Overlap: Holding two funds from the same house, like Quant, may lead to stock overlap. Quant funds, while typically high-growth, could concentrate on similar stocks or sectors, limiting exposure.

Different Investment Styles: Each fund house has unique strengths. Adding funds from different houses can provide a better blend of investment styles, whether value, growth, or balanced.

Suggested Portfolio Rebalance for 10-Year Goal
To achieve greater diversification and smoother returns, consider restructuring across different fund houses as follows:

Retain a Large-Cap or Multicap Foundation
Large or Multicap Fund: Keep the large-cap/multicap fund in your portfolio. If preferred, you may choose a new multicap fund from another fund house to avoid overlap and add broader diversification.
Midcap Fund for Balanced Growth
Midcap Allocation: Switch your midcap allocation to a different fund house. Each fund house has a distinct approach to managing midcap risk, so choosing another fund house could diversify your midcap strategy.
Small-Cap Fund for Long-Term Growth
Small-Cap Exposure: Consider switching to a small-cap fund from another fund house as well. Small-cap funds from different fund houses bring in unique research strengths, which can reduce concentration risk while retaining growth potential.
Ideal Fund House Selection
To optimise, select three fund houses known for strong performance, consistent management, and clear investment styles:

Balanced Mix of Approaches: Aim for fund houses with a mix of aggressive growth, balanced risk management, and value investing. A blend from well-rated fund houses can help achieve this.

Consistent Historical Returns: Evaluate each fund’s past performance to ensure it aligns with your risk tolerance and return expectations.

Taxation Insights on Mutual Fund Investments
With a 10-year horizon, understanding tax on capital gains is essential for your portfolio growth:

Equity Fund Taxation: If gains exceed Rs 1.25 lakh annually, they’re taxed at 12.5%. Short-term gains within a year attract a 20% rate. Holding long-term reduces tax burdens and aligns with equity growth.

Tax Planning: Staying invested in equity-focused funds for over a year qualifies for long-term capital gains (LTCG) tax benefits, making long-term holding tax-efficient.

Benefits of Regular Funds Over Direct Plans
Since you’re focusing on long-term growth, regular funds with Certified Financial Planner (CFP) assistance can be advantageous:

Personalized Monitoring: A CFP helps track market changes and adjusts your portfolio based on performance and goals, ensuring your portfolio aligns with changing market conditions.

Rebalancing as Required: Regular plan investors benefit from structured reviews, optimizing returns while managing risk.

Tax Efficiency and Cost Efficiency: CFP guidance can ensure you manage tax liabilities and optimize SIPs effectively, improving cost efficiency.

Final Insights
For a long-term, growth-oriented investor like you, a diversified mutual fund portfolio with varied fund houses and categories is key:

Diversify Fund Houses: Choose funds from different houses to limit overlap and bring in unique management expertise.

Monitor Small-Cap and Midcap Allocations: These funds offer growth but can be volatile. A balanced allocation with large/multicap can stabilize returns.

Seek CFP Guidance for Portfolio Oversight: A CFP can guide fund rebalancing, tax planning, and risk management to meet your 10-year goal.

By adjusting your portfolio with diverse fund houses and carefully selected categories, you can enhance growth potential, manage risk, and stay aligned with your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6814 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 26, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi Ramalingam, I'm 43Y old. I started my investment journey last month with SIPs (large, mid, flexi and small cap). I'm working in Kuwait and I'm able to get 25lkhs as loan through my company and would be paying a little less than 30lkhs over 5 years through monthly EMIs. As I'm very late into the investment journey, is it wise to take that loan and invest in mutual funds, as the interest I will be paying (5 lkhs) is comparitively minimum for the loan amount. I would like to invest this lumpsum amount while I continue with the existing SIPs. Appreciate your help.....
Ans: Taking a loan to invest can be a strategy for quick capital gains. However, it carries risks, especially when investing in mutual funds with inherent market volatility. Your plan to invest a substantial amount with borrowed funds requires a careful assessment from multiple angles. Here’s a 360-degree approach to help you decide.

1. Understanding the Loan’s Interest Burden
Interest Rate Advantage: The loan you’re considering has a relatively low cost. Repaying Rs 30 lakh over five years means an interest burden of Rs 5 lakh.

Monthly EMI Impact: The EMIs are manageable but will reduce your monthly disposable income. You’ll need a steady cash flow for EMIs and personal expenses.

Loan Tenure: Five years is a moderate term. This gives enough time for invested capital to potentially grow, but it’s shorter than most ideal long-term equity investment horizons.

2. Assessing Investment Potential vs. Loan Interest
While investing borrowed money can yield higher returns than the interest paid, let’s evaluate the risks and gains:

Targeted Returns vs. Loan Cost: Mutual funds can outperform loan interest, but they’re market-linked and unpredictable. With Rs 25 lakh, achieving returns above the Rs 5 lakh interest requires careful fund selection and steady market conditions.

Timing Market Volatility: Equity markets fluctuate, and returns aren’t guaranteed. Over a five-year period, the invested corpus may underperform or outperform. A market dip could temporarily reduce portfolio value, impacting liquidity.

Loan Repayment and Portfolio Pressure: If the markets dip during loan repayment, selling investments could mean capital loss. Sustaining EMIs becomes essential without impacting your overall investment plan.

3. Investment Strategy for Lump Sum Allocation
If you choose to invest the loan amount, structuring your investment strategy is crucial for maximizing returns and managing risk:

Large-Cap Funds for Stability
Allocate a Portion to Large-Cap Funds: Large-cap funds provide stability. They’re typically more resilient during market downturns and can support steady growth over time. These funds help anchor the portfolio, balancing riskier mid and small-cap investments.
Flexi-Cap Funds for Balanced Growth
Flexibility Across Market Caps: Flexi-cap funds adapt across large, mid, and small-cap stocks, adjusting based on market opportunities. This helps reduce concentration risk, as fund managers can shift to high-potential sectors.
Mid and Small-Cap Funds for Higher Returns
High Growth Potential: Mid and small-cap funds have shown strong returns, but they also experience volatility. A smaller allocation here adds growth potential while avoiding excessive risk.
4. SIPs: Continuing Monthly Investments
Your existing SIPs offer a disciplined investment approach. This strategy is valuable, especially in volatile markets:

Cost Averaging: SIPs benefit from market ups and downs, averaging your purchase cost over time.

Long-Term Focus: As you started SIPs recently, continuing them will build capital over time. The compounding effect will grow your portfolio steadily alongside any lump-sum investments.

5. Mutual Fund Taxation on Gains
It’s essential to understand the tax implications of mutual fund gains, particularly on a high-value lump-sum investment:

Long-Term Capital Gains (LTCG): Equity funds have an LTCG tax rate of 12.5% for gains above Rs 1.25 lakh. Holding investments over one year qualifies for this rate.

Short-Term Capital Gains (STCG): Gains within one year are taxed at 20%. Thus, long-term holding is more tax-efficient for mutual funds.

Debt Fund Taxation: Should you diversify into debt funds, gains follow your income tax slab, making debt funds less tax-efficient than equity for long-term holding.

6. Benefits of Regular Mutual Funds with CFP Guidance
Investing through regular funds with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) or Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) offers critical benefits over direct plans:

Professional Guidance: A CFP monitors your investments, rebalances, and provides tailored advice, which is especially important for a significant, borrowed investment.

Market Analysis: Fund managers in regular plans adjust investments based on market conditions. This active management adds value, aiming to optimize returns.

Personalized Reviews: A CFP considers your financial situation and adjusts recommendations, offering a clear advantage over direct fund investing.

7. Risk Mitigation Steps for Loan-Based Investment
Taking a loan to invest requires a sound plan to mitigate risks and secure returns:

Diversify Fund Allocation
Spread Investment Across Fund Types: Diversification across large-cap, flexi-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds reduces concentration risk. Each fund type responds differently to market changes.
Build an Emergency Fund
Ensure EMI Security: Have an emergency fund equal to six months’ EMIs. This cushion prevents reliance on investments if temporary cash flow issues arise.
Review Market Conditions Regularly
Track Market Cycles: Stay updated on market trends. A CFP’s guidance will be helpful in determining when to hold or redeem certain investments based on market conditions.
Aim for a 5–7 Year Horizon
Plan for Market Stability: Equity markets typically offer strong returns over longer periods. A 5–7 year timeline allows your portfolio to weather market fluctuations.
Final Insights
Taking a loan to invest in mutual funds can offer growth but involves careful planning. Here’s a summary of the approach:

Consider EMI Burden: Ensure monthly EMIs won’t strain your budget.

Focus on Diversified Allocation: Use the lump sum across large, flexi, mid, and small-cap funds to balance risk.

Use SIPs to Strengthen: Continue SIPs as they average costs, especially in volatile markets.

Professional Guidance is Key: Consulting a CFP adds value with expert fund choices and personalized monitoring.

This balanced approach can potentially deliver returns above the loan cost, growing wealth over the long term.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6814 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 26, 2024

Money
Sir, My son is 30 years old. Currently, he is investing 3K in HDFC Multicap fund, 2K in Quant Midcap fund and 1K in Quant Small cap fund, through SIP. He will invest for atleast 10 years. He doubts whether he is correctly investing in 2 different schemes of the same (Quant) AMC. Should he switch either Midcap or Smallcap to a different AMC for better returns, through different investment strategies, lesser shares overlap ratio, diversification etc? If so, suggest a good rebalanced portfolio.
Ans: To optimise your son’s portfolio, I recommend a carefully rebalanced approach. He is making wise choices by investing early, and his goal of a 10-year horizon offers great potential. A few adjustments can enhance diversification and reduce potential overlap. Let’s analyse and rebalance with these key points.

1. Assessing the Current Portfolio
Currently, your son has investments in:

HDFC Multicap Fund: A broad, diversified investment covering large, mid, and small-cap stocks.

Quant Midcap and Quant Smallcap Funds: These two are from the same Asset Management Company (AMC) and target specific market segments. While Quant AMC has a good performance history, investing in two funds from the same AMC may lead to overlapping stocks and similar strategies.

Investment in 2 Funds from One AMC: While AMC expertise can help, relying on one AMC for both mid and small caps may lead to concentration risks and limited diversification.

2. Importance of AMC Diversification
Adding another AMC brings different fund management strategies, improving portfolio resilience:

Different Investment Styles: Each AMC has unique processes and philosophies, which can result in different stock selections and management styles.

Better Performance Stability: Market cycles impact AMCs differently. Having funds across AMCs can help reduce performance fluctuations in specific sectors or styles.

3. Suggested Portfolio Rebalance
For optimal diversification, I suggest a balanced approach with funds from multiple AMCs in varied categories:

Multicap Fund – HDFC (Continue)
Keep the Existing Multicap Fund: Multicap funds provide broad exposure to large, mid, and small-cap stocks, which balances growth and stability.
Replace Quant Midcap with a Different AMC’s Midcap Fund
Switch to a New AMC for Midcap Exposure: Choosing a midcap fund from another AMC adds diversification. Midcap funds generally offer high growth, and shifting to a different AMC helps avoid potential stock overlaps.
Retain Smallcap Fund – Quant AMC
Retain the Smallcap Fund from Quant: Smallcap funds carry high growth potential. Quant AMC’s small-cap management approach has delivered good results. Keeping this fund keeps high-growth exposure intact, while mitigating overlap due to the midcap switch.
Add a Large-Cap Fund for Stability
Include a Large-Cap Fund: Adding a large-cap fund from another AMC will improve stability and consistent returns. Large-cap stocks are typically less volatile and can anchor the portfolio during market downturns.
4. Additional Insights on SIPs in Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds are advantageous compared to index funds:

Enhanced Flexibility: Active fund managers adjust allocations to avoid sectors that underperform, unlike index funds.

Adaptive to Market Changes: Active funds adapt to market conditions, which can provide better risk-adjusted returns in the long run.

Certified Financial Planner (CFP) Guidance: Investing through a CFP or MFD brings professional insights, regular updates, and personalised recommendations.

5. Suggested Portfolio Allocation
Here’s a revised allocation for a balanced and diversified portfolio:

HDFC Multicap Fund – Continue with Rs 3,000 SIP for broad diversification.

Midcap Fund – Start a Rs 2,000 SIP for unique midcap exposure and added diversification.

Quant Smallcap Fund – Continue with Rs 1,000 SIP for high-growth potential in small-cap stocks.

Large-Cap Fund – Introduce a Rs 2,000 SIP for stability and consistency with blue-chip stocks.

6. Reviewing Tax Implications on Mutual Fund Returns
Your son’s investments will benefit from the revised mutual fund tax structure. Key points include:

LTCG Tax on Equity Funds: Long-term capital gains above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. For SIPs held for over one year, this rule applies.

STCG on Equity Investments: Short-term gains are taxed at 20% if redeemed within a year. Staying invested for the full term (10 years) is tax-efficient.

Debt and Hybrid Fund Taxation: If he chooses to diversify further with debt funds in the future, be aware that gains are taxed as per his income slab, with indexation benefits if held for over three years.

Final Insights
Your son is building a strong foundation for his financial future. By making these changes, he will benefit from enhanced diversification and improved growth potential over time.

Diversification Across AMCs: This brings in varied investment styles, reducing dependency on one AMC’s performance.

Balanced Growth and Stability: A mix of multicap, midcap, smallcap, and large-cap funds ensures growth with stability, aligned to a 10-year horizon.

Ongoing Monitoring: Regularly review the portfolio to ensure it stays aligned with goals. A Certified Financial Planner can provide ongoing guidance.

Encourage him to stay committed, and this strategic approach will help him reach his financial goals confidently.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1237 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 24, 2024Hindi
Relationship
will soon be 25 yrs old but havent got a job yet and my partner is 29 yrs old. We know each other for the past 7-8 years and we are in a very healthy relationship so much happy with each other. We hv told about us in our families. They are willing to let their son marry the girl of his choice and in my family except my father everyone is happy for us. My mom likes him so much. He met my mom few times even came to home but havent met my father yet. I hv told my mom about us since march & my father in july. Since then me and my father are having heated arguments whenever i am trying to explain why i cant marry anyone by his choice. And i wish to marry this person. His issues are- Patriarchal thinking that how can a girl choose a guy for her marriage, its their parents job. Who told me to find a guy on her own. Secondly, Him being a maharashtrian. We belong to UP but living in mumbai for more than 25 years and my father has plans to shift back in UP after his retirement which is after 4 years. So he doesnt want me to leave here all alone by myself. Also he doesnt like maharashtrians, not even a bit. Thirdly, he is doing a private job but he is earning 70-80k monthly since my father is a govt employee. Hence he has got issues. What issues i am facing- he is giving all kinds of threats he can to stop me fir even dreaming about to get marry this person. He says even if the earth ends tomorrow i will not let you marry the person of your choice. It is our job to find a groom not yours. My elder brother who is 4 years older than me and my sister who is one year younger than me both are studying in delhi. It is just me and my mom and my younger brother who is in 8th std living here. And none of our relatives lives here. So he is verbally and physically abusing us. Even threatened me to put my partner and his family behind bars if they forces us to get marry. Since our (my and my mom) convincing and explaining to him is falling on deaf ears , we (my & my partner) are willing to take drastic step and get married in court. We are hoping that now only police intervention can help us to be with each other. But we are not taking this step right now cz many things are holding me back but we are willing to take if things goes even more worse later. Since we are not finding it worth to wait for his approval. Nor he wants to listen why i want to marry this person and what are my reasons to refuse any guy my father chooses for me. Neither willing to see or meet my partner. My mother is on my side. She even asked my partner to meet some of our relatives and family friends everyone liked him and us. Its just my father who is having and creating so many issues. Everyone wants to hlp us but jst because of my father's nature (him being a true narcissist perdon) all are hesitating about how to even start a conversation with him unless he doesnt talks abt this with them. My father is also avoiding to talk about this situation with anyone since it will bring down his reputation, what will the society and relatives think about us. Noone will marry my siblings if they get to know about this that their sister has forcefully left the house to marry the guy of her own choice. Please suggest me something what else i can do to make him understand and should i stop making efforts and do whatever i want to not now but after sometime. Take drastic step and leave the house. I also know what will be the consequences of my actions but can i do if he doesnt want me to see me happy or believing in my decisions. Atleast he should listen and see him personally that what i saw in this person. But he doesnt want. Please guide me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What can you do if your father has a rigid thinking like this? Like you yourself have mentioned: that your father must see what you saw in this person.
So, how much effort has gone into that? It seems that all of you are quick to judge that your father is strict and that he does not like people from certain states etc...Okay, he is who he is, right? So, now tune your efforts from complaining about him to what you can do to make him see the good in your partner.
Also, I hope that your partner is in a reasonably good financial state for his age else this will become an issue with your father.
Address your father's concerns and that will help you and your partner actually move things further. You becoming financially independent also will give your father confidence that you are old enough to make certain decisions of your life.

Also, your mother supporting you is of little use; if your father has always been in charge, she will have little say in the matter, so do not depend on anyone right now. Take it upon yourselves now to address what your father finds worrisome and take each point and build something useful to counter that.
It will not be possible or wise to force him to agree as that may not happen, so work on actually making him see what you see in your partner.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |383 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi, my wife always fights and swears at me on every small discussion, she ran away from our house 3 times after arguing. She also likes to talk to other guys after starting a fight with me and always compares me with them as she think those boys can take Good care of her while they just wanna use her, I've tried talking to her mother but the mother always supports and listens to my wife. We have 2 daughters aged 7 and 3. Please advice me on way forward because i am seriously fed up with her behaviour
Ans: Start by setting aside a calm moment to have a serious discussion with your wife about how her behavior affects you and the children. Use "I" statements to express your feelings, like "I feel hurt when you compare me to other men" or "I feel stressed when our discussions turn into arguments." This approach can help her see your perspective without feeling attacked.

Next, it might be helpful to set some boundaries. Explain that while you're committed to your marriage, you can't tolerate behavior that is disrespectful or harmful to the family. Clearly define what is acceptable and what is not, and let her know that continuous conflicts will have consequences for your relationship.

Consider seeking professional help through couples therapy or counseling. A neutral third party can help facilitate conversations, address underlying issues, and improve communication between you two. If your wife is resistant, you might still consider going alone to seek support and strategies for yourself.

When discussing her conversations with other men, emphasize your concerns for her safety and emotional well-being. Let her know that these interactions can create more significant issues in your relationship, especially with children involved. Encourage her to focus on building a strong family foundation rather than seeking validation from others.

Lastly, prioritize your daughters' well-being. Make sure they feel secure and loved, regardless of the challenges you're facing. If necessary, seek support from trusted friends or family members to help you navigate this situation.

Remember that you deserve respect and support in your relationship. If things do not improve despite your efforts, you may need to consider your options moving forward for your happiness and the well-being of your children.

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