Hi, I am married and I have a one year old boy.
My husband and I were good friends before marriage. After the marriage, for the first few days, he was very loving and caring. But he was reluctant to have physical intimacy and always avoided me. Later on, he started to pick up silly fights whenever I approached him with love. Then fights became a routine in our life. He accused me of being doubtful, jealous and arrogant, but I simply tried to solve the issue with him. At a later stage, his parents and younger brother intervened in the issues and they also had allegations against me.
They even tried to picturise me as a mental patient, who intentionally creates troubles. I was actually feeling lonely when even my parents told me to go for counselling. The psychologist whom I consulted, laughed at their accusations and suggested my husband to consult a family therapist. Even though he was reluctant initially, he came later to see a family therapist. After that, he started to love me, and we lived happily for a few months. Problems started to rise once again, when he came to know that I'm pregnant. He accused me of cheating him and his parents even tried to abort the baby without my knowledge. I opposed abortion, but they intentionally created chaos even in the eighth month of pregnancy. After the birth of the baby, every day, he would shout at me to leave the baby there and go somewhere.
He always said, I have a baby now, I don't want to make love anymore, never ever ask me to have sex. And the toxicity his parents are showing is also humiliating. I have 2 questions.
1. Why is my husband always reluctant to have a physical relationship?
He takes care of the baby well and showers love but neglects me and my needs often.
2. After all this toxicity, is it worth to stay with them? Narcissistic in-laws are making me violent and out of control, at times, harming myself. I am losing my self-esteem and falling into depression, nowadays. Please reply.
Ans: Dear VM,
He is reluctant to have a physical relationship because deep down he has issues that he does not want to confront.
It could be emotional or physical issues that he is embarrassed to share as it might challenge his ‘manhood’.
Most people like to life in that false pride rather than solve the issue at hand.
So, he absolutely needs to go to a doctor or a therapist who can help him out of this issue and hence the two of you can begin to bond. Else today he accuses of cheating, tomorrow it will something else and then something else.
This issue is being beautifully masked by your in-laws who also possibly don’t know that their son needs HELP. So, it’s easy to blame it on you.
Staying with him or not is a personal decision that you must make. Ask yourself:
What is it that I am getting from being in this marriage?
What will I lose by walking out?
How will walking out impact the baby?
Do I have a support system that will stand by me as I choose to leave the marriage?
Evaluate your state of mind and focus on getting better by being happy and cheerful and reaching to those who can keep you in that state.
Whatever you choose to do, do not waste another moment here on wasteful situations and do what’s best for you and your baby which I am suer you can.
Best wishes!
