I think my husband takes me for granted. We have been married for 21 years. I was working until last year but took a sabbatical to recover from a hip surgery. While he was mostly away travelling for work, I raised two kids, one is in first year of college, the other is in 11th standard. Now that I am out of work and recovering, I am noticing how he is mostly complaining that I am not contributing enough and he is feeling the pressure. What about the 21 years I managed everything -- my job, home, kids, his ailing parents? He hasn't given me a single compliment but there is a limit to how much you can live with a man who doesn't value what you do for him and the family. What do you think i should do?

Ans: I hear the deep frustration and sense of betrayal you're experiencing. Navigating a relationship where financial security and trust are consistently undermined is incredibly challenging, especially after 28 years of marriage. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to address them thoughtfully.

Firstly, it’s crucial to recognize and validate your own strength and resilience. Despite the obstacles, you've managed to become self-reliant and support yourself financially. This is a significant achievement and speaks to your capability and determination.

Your husband's inconsistent behavior and financial unreliability are understandably distressing. It seems that his actions have repeatedly undermined your sense of security and trust, which are foundational to any relationship. The pattern of him not following through on agreed plans, such as the example of renting out the garage, erodes trust and contributes to your frustration.

Given that he avoids discussions about these issues, it might be helpful to approach the conversation differently. Choose a calm, neutral time to express your feelings clearly and directly, focusing on how his actions impact you emotionally and financially. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel insecure and frustrated when our financial agreements are not honored,” to avoid making him feel defensive.

If he continues to avoid these conversations, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a marriage counselor. A professional can facilitate healthier communication and help both of you understand each other's perspectives better.

However, it’s also essential to evaluate your own needs and boundaries. Reflect on what you need to feel secure and fulfilled in the relationship. If these needs continue to be unmet despite your efforts to communicate and resolve the issues, you might need to consider more significant changes.

Leaving a long-term marriage is a profound decision and one that requires careful thought. You’ve mentioned that you don’t want to leave, and it’s important to explore all avenues before making such a decision. However, your well-being and happiness are paramount.

If your husband remains unwilling to change or address your concerns, you may need to create boundaries that protect your financial and emotional health. This could involve having separate finances or setting clear terms for financial decisions and responsibilities.

Ultimately, the goal is to ensure that you feel secure, respected, and valued in your relationship. It's a challenging path, but with clear communication, professional support, and self-reflection, you can navigate this difficult situation and find a resolution that honors your needs and well-being.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
He's just playing the immature person and passing it off as though you are the problem for that.
A person who has accepted himself fully can never accept anyone else because their job is to see what is wrong and try and fix it. He's doing that you.
What I would say is: Stand your ground by having a straight face, listening and then just letting it be...(hard but it just gives him the satisfaction of throwing it out)...now, before you jump to any conclusions, here is what doing this will give you. Once he complains, he will keep quiet and when there is no reaction from you, eventually he will try harder and then give up...the best way to defeat someone in this kind of an emotional brawl is to actually be SILENT! Hard to do, but it will work...
And you also get to be who you are...Now, when he's going to accept himself etc is a long road ahead but take this one step at a time...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Hello mam. Well, mam as time goes by in marriage both partners take each other for granted. That communication slowly fades away and only few things are left. May be your husband must ve feeling the same and is longing for your attention coz when kids are around then us time of couple vanishes. But this communication and spark can be returned by the efforts of both partners. You should take initiative. Plan some dinner out, just both of you. Spend some quality time together. Things will be good in a few weeks.
Take care!
Regards
Dr Upneet Kaur
Follow me on: https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
This is how a 'woman' loses herself under the weight of responsibilities and expectations. The key to quietly gain your independence is to see if you can start working from home as a start point...Take up small projects that you can work around the time that your daughter naps or before she wakes up...
A few months later, you can either think of a play home or a Montessori school where she will spend about 3 hours. All this is going to take a lot of commitment from you; where you have to focus on what you want to do and not on what is happening in your life.
Sadly, you are going to have to turn off the volume from all the comments so that you can be back to being yourself again. One step at time...start NOW!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The courtship phase is far from the marriage phase. During courtship, certain parts of the self go hidden in the eagerness of impressing the other person. Now, this usually is done unknowingly BUT when realoty hits, it feels like you have been cheated.
Instead of feeling disappointed and assuming that you need to do the worst, why don't you create situations where you start sharing by saying: "I would love for you to hear this..." OR "It means a lot when I feel heard..."

Roadblocks aren't the end of the world; you just learn to navigate around it to walk on a clear path.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/