Ok, this is a long story so bear with me. Background: I'm a 48-year old woman (divorced 10 years back, childless, college lecturer) in a relationship with a 28-year old guy who happens to be my father's home care nurse. I was my father's sole caregiver for many years (no mother, no siblings), finally got the 24-hour nurse 1.5 years back. He took good care of my father (97, with dementia), the 3 of us lived together, I was lonely, one thing led to another, he said he loved me and we're together from 1 year. My father passed away 3 months back. Then the question was, how can we continue to live together? Neither of us want to marry at this point (maybe later). If he took another home care duty he would have to leave. So we decided he'll open a tea shop close to where I live, and stay with me at night. He did so 1 month back, and all seemed ok, except that he seems TOO invested in his shop now, leaves at 6 am, comes home tired at 8 pm, no weekends and doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me. He says it's because it's a new shop. As long as I was also at work during the day this didn't bother me much, but from the last 1 week I've suddenly been diagnosed with chronic appendicitis. Might need surgery next week. So I'm unwell and at home, unhappy, grieving my father, missing my boyfriend, but he's STILL away all day and won't take a break. If I ask him to spend a few hours with me he gets upset and says he can't, it's a new shop and he's building customers. I get frustrated and we fight about this when he gets home, which makes things worse; he starts threatening that he might as well close his shop if I don't let him run it properly. What should I do? Please don't ask me to end the relationship; I can't even think of living alone at this time, when I'm already upset about my father. I have no other friends or family. Also I don't think it's a bad enough relationship to end immediately - he's a good and caring person in many ways, and I'm quite sure he's not having an affair or anything. Other than quarreling with him about giving me more time (whenever I bring it up it becomes a quarrel), what options do I have?

Dear Anonymous,

These are your words that stood out for me.

‘I miss myself being in love and happy.

'I miss my own very smile.'

So, who is stopping you from these? Be in love, be happy, smile when you want.

You have tied these things to your marriage and have hoped that putting things together will bring a smile back on your face. As much as it’s true, it won’t be long lasting.

Now let’s focus on your marriage. What is this ‘being sent here, sent back there’?

What are you, some parcel/courier package to be sent here and there at will?

The first time that you felt that this being sent here and there was NOT OKAY, that would have been the time to voice it out.

Situations of a husband and wife being physically apart can come in anytime during a marriage. But this has to be handled with a lot of love and communication and not keeping silent and controlling it his way.

What has caused your hurt is the fact of non-communication from him, inability to validate your feelings, making you feel guilty for expressing your feelings and his unwillingness to work on this?

Request a person known to both of you to mediate to set up a meeting if both of you want to be in this marriage and live in peace and harmony. If you don’t step up now, things will be emotionally draining.

Also, as a woman, you don’t have to feel guilty for saying that something is not alright and that you want things to be different. You do not have to mask it with a statement that ‘he is a good man’ etc.

Be honest to yourself about what you feel and what you want. It helps putting things into perspective faster. STEP UP NOW and SPEAK.

Do that favour onto yourself please and also expect things to go the other way especially if he does not want to mutually set things right.

No matter what, know that strength from within is what will help you sort things for the better.

Be strong and value yourself. All the best!

Dear SB,

What are you? His emotional sponge?

One thing I want to appeal to you is: Self-respect is something that we are so ready to give up for just a little love and attention. And the way you treat yourself is how others will treat you.

You are in your early 20s and you have an entire life in front of you and you want to build your career.

With the current space that you are in, do you feel you are choosing wisely to fulfil what you want from life and for yourself?

Also, are there other ways in which you can bring this relationship together. Like sitting him down and talking; maybe an elder in the family can do this.

If nothing works, remember, your life, your choice, your terms…nothing and no one can mess with your peace of mind unless you give them the permission to do so.

You want to prosper, then think and act in a manner that will allow you to prosperity and think of losing all that is keeping from feeling this prosperity.

Step up, take charge of your life NOW. All the best.

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The problem you’re facing is very common in long-distance relationships.

You have a need for attention that you’re not getting from him and he’s so busy planning a future that he’s forgotten how to take care of the present.

I can tell you that until he is secure in a job and has stabilised his situation, his behaviour is not going to change significantly. And maybe not after either...Maybe this is who he is, and after the initial spark wore off, this is him.

That said, the distance is definitely playing a role in fuelling tensions between the two of you.

Explain to him that you need some quality time with him and that couples who live apart do set aside a little time for each other despite all the pressures of everyday life.

It’s not childish to expect attention and love from your partner, even from a thousand miles away.

At your end, you can try to be less demanding.

Maybe he isn’t at liberty to chitchat every single day or every couple of days also.

As long as you get what you want out of even a weekly or twice-weekly conversation with him, cut him a little slack. That is, provided this guy means enough to you.

If he doesn’t and you’re second-guessing the relationship, the person he is and your love for him, maybe the headache just isn’t worth it.

You’ve already invested five years, and if it’s not looking bright, you should cut your losses and move on.

Dear NK,

When a partner does not validate your feelings and uses sex as a means to deflect from the problem, it’s a red flag, right?

So, what exactly do you get by being with him? Love cannot be a means to sell your very existence no matter who that is.

Call out such behaviour. Compromises do not form part of any relationship, contrary to what’s told to us.

Mutual understanding and gentle acceptance and most importantly loving compassion is what any relationship is all about.

When those efforts of yours are not being met with love and instead it has been ignored, what else are you going to do?

Not being able to respect a partner’s family and instead insulting them to feel better or prove a point, how do you think it is going to be in the future?

Do you see these red flags or are you simply choosing to close your eyes and pretend that everything is fine?

Do the right thing, for yourself and your being and welfare. Be strong like the way that you always have been.

My best wishes to you!