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Kanchan Rai |663 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 26, 2026

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2026Hindi

I miss privacy after marriage. I moved in to my husband's house after our marriage last year. But but adjusting to a joint family has been harder than I expected. There is always someone around so I have to dress appropriately. Relatives walk into our bedroom without knocking. Their rules are very different from ours. I have grown up with a lot of independence in what I wear, eat etc. Here, I have to cook at least one meal, sometimes for unexpected guests and compromise over what I eat. I moved in hoping to live with and love his family, but this lack of personal space and independence is making me irritable and anxious. Our thoughts and principles don't match. My husband has taken a huge loan to buy this house, so he will not agree to move out. How do I talk to my husband about how I feel trapped here?

Ans: What you’re experiencing feels overwhelming because it’s new to you, not because it is “wrong” in itself. In many joint families, things like shared spaces, open movement in the house, less privacy, and collective responsibilities are quite normal. People grow up with that system, so for them it doesn’t feel intrusive—it feels like family closeness.
At the same time, you come from a background where privacy, independence, and personal boundaries were natural, so the contrast feels like a loss. Both realities are valid. Neither is completely right or wrong—they are just different value systems.

This is also something that ideally should be discussed before marriage, but since it wasn’t, you are now learning and adjusting in real time—which is understandably difficult.

Now the goal is not to reject the joint family system or force yourself to accept everything silently. The goal is to find a middle ground where you can function without losing yourself.

When you talk to your husband, acknowledge his reality too. That will make him more open to hearing you. You can say something like:
“I understand this is how your family has always lived, and I respect that. But for me this is very new, and I’m struggling to adjust to the lack of personal space. I don’t want to disrespect anyone, but I also need some space to feel comfortable.”

This way, you are not attacking his family—you are explaining your adjustment challenge.

Also, instead of expecting a complete change, focus on small, realistic adjustments:
A basic level of privacy in your room (like knocking)
Some flexibility in daily expectations
Clear communication about responsibilities

In joint families, change usually doesn’t happen suddenly—it happens gradually and through understanding, not confrontation.

And one important mindset shift for you:
Adjustment doesn’t mean losing yourself completely.
But it also doesn’t mean expecting the environment to become exactly like your old life.

You are now learning how to live between two worlds.

If both you and your husband handle this with patience and respect, it can become manageable. If either side becomes rigid, then it starts feeling like suffocation.

So your task is not to “fit in perfectly,”
but to adapt without disappearing.

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Anu Krishna |1805 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 05, 2022

Question by SN - May 05, 2022Hindi

Dear Anu, I have been married for 3 years. Everything is going well with my husband except there is one problem. If there is anything wrong done by his parents, he never takes a stand or protests.My in-laws are not very friendly people.After our marriage they have never tried to keep in touch with my parents or at least have the courtesy to invite once to their house. My parents have frequently tried to invite them and also tried to keep contact but nothing is achieved if it's one-sided. I told my husband about all this but he never ever tried to explain or correct them of their wrong doings.My mother-in-law had also insulted me few times raising questions on how I was brought up within the first year of our marriage. And later as well. I work and sometimes due to prolong working hours I am not able to contribute to household work. My mother-in-law started asking if at all I do any household work or whether I am always busy with my office work. She already knew that I would be working after marriage and was fine with it.Because of the lockdown we are staying with them for a long period and I am embarrassed to tell this but every day is killing me. When I stay with them I have to be a totally different person. I have to live their lifestyle which is totally opposite to how I used to live with my husband alone.Because of all the above circumstances, I am not keen on staying with them. I don't see a future where I can stay with them. I am ready to take care of them but can't stay under one roof. My husband is well aware of my feelings. But never does anything about it. Every time I tell him, he blames me that I don't want him to stay with his parents. Else he takes good care of me and is a good person. My parents also like him except this one complaint.I am totally clueless now how to make him understand because we end up fighting rather than discussing. In the long run I can't stay with my in-laws because our lifestyle doesn't match and of course the hurtful things they have done. They are not even ready to adjust rather would expect me to completely change for them. And that's what dreads me.I can't live in this way for long. It is causing me a lot of mental stress.Please provide your valuable suggestions.

Ans:

Dear SN,

Hasn’t the lockdown ended for a while now?

Why are you still with them?

What was the initial reason of moving in with them?

Does that reason still exist?

Being part of a joint/extended family system isn’t a cake walk; each person is unique and so are their thoughts and experiences and they will want the other person to live by their experiences and rules. But of course, an emotionally mature person would believe in giving space for another person grow and evolve and swim around the family dynamics. Well, it isn't the case here.

Why don’t you drop down a pros and cons list for When I move out and for When I stay here.

Weigh it down to its granular detail. Also, try and figure out why your husband is so against talking to them.

Sometimes, it maybe a minor adjustment that everyone needs to go through, but our movies and sitcoms have done enough damage to our minds where the drama looks never ending and where one party is to blame. Usually, the adjustment has to happen from both ends.

Bring this to a place where everyone gains, and everyone is happy. Maybe moving out is an option that you seek but will this go well with your husband and remember, he might do this for you, and in the long run in might end up blaming you for it. It’s complicated.

So, take time and work on the pros and cons, why your husband is against talking to them about this and also ask yourself: Have I done everything that I can to live joyfully under one roof?
You will have a path to your solution soon.

All the best!

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Anu Krishna |1805 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 27, 2021

Question by S - Aug 27, 2021Hindi

Dear mam, my husband and I had a love marriage. We dated for five years before getting married and we have been living together for 8 years now. I am working and we have a 5 year old son. He is a very good guy but his parents and relatives who are staying with us are making things difficult for us now. Like you suggested I tried talking to my husband but I feel he is being biased and taken for granted. I tried to adjust and ignore some things but there is a lot of politics going on every day which is affecting both of us. From money issues to privacy and kitchen fights, we are dealing with a lot of things that I am not able to talk and solve. This is affecting my career and my son’s studies too. Every time I start a discussion it leads to a big fight in front of everyone. Ultimately I am cornered and blamed. The patent response is: everyone adjusts. I’m not able to handle it well and no support from anyone. Also I don’t have anyone to talk to whom I can trust. Please help.

Ans: Dear S, Thank you for trying to apply a few of my suggestions. Extended families can be a huge challenge to live with as much as there are advantages as well.

Too much mixing of thoughts and opinions that at times you feel that your thoughts are never valued.

Either, you ease into this and know that this will be your world; which means you start to ‘try’ to become happy which can be stressful.

If this is impossible and you want to change it, then STEP UP for yourself and for your son.

No arguments, no fights, but firmly asserting what you want.

Be kind always no matter what because your husband is just in the midst of his family and the family system that he has been raised with, your protests don’t matter much.

Making your point known doesn't need fights, but reiterating what you want and that your thoughts must be respected.

It’s possible that over a few weeks, this new calm behavior of yours might bring some change in your husband and he may start hearing and listening to what you have to say.

If that doesn’t work, yes you may have to take the help of a professional who will put you two together in a place and become a good third person who will facilitate the communication.

Whatever it is, be kind and calm and I am sure you are…it helps in ‘breaking down’ the stubbornness in other people and they maybe willing to calm down as well.

Be at peace.

Relationship

Kanchan Rai |663 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 03, 2024Hindi