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My Daughter Hates Me: What Did I Do Wrong?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |581 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 21, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 18, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Sir/Madan My daughter, 20yrs old have no attachment with us. She believe that she is being neglected after birth of her brother(3 yrs younger). Now she keep always indoor in a separate room of our house. She already declaired us as step father and step mother. She does not keep good relation with any of our relatives who try convince her that her thinking is wrong. We are helpless, Please suggest us what to do?

Ans: The first step is to create a safe space where she can talk about her emotions without fear of judgment or dismissal. Try to approach her with empathy and patience. Instead of telling her she is wrong, ask her to share her feelings. You can say something like, "We love you, and it hurts us to see you so distant. Can we talk about what made you feel this way? We genuinely want to understand." Avoid arguments and comparisons with her brother—focus only on her feelings.

It may take time for her to open up, especially if she has built emotional walls. If she refuses to engage, writing a heartfelt letter might help, as she can read it in her own time. Also, consider seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist who can mediate conversations and guide the healing process.

Your daughter is at an age where independence and self-identity are important, so giving her space while keeping the lines of communication open is key. The goal is not to force a relationship but to gently rebuild trust so she feels emotionally safe with you again.

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Anu Krishna  |1595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2022

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Hi, my daughter got married in 2018. Her husband works in the US. Immediately after marriage she left with her husband to the US. My daughter is a single child and had a protected sort of life. At times immature and stubborn, she also has anger issues. She was not supposed to work, as my SIL wanted a housewife.There was compatibility issues between them from the beginning. He is from a very conservative family which we were not aware of before marriage. She got depressed there as the climate did not suit her and had no one to talk to. Most of her neighbours were working. SIL was busy with his work. They used to go out for drives or visit nearby places.We were not allowed to visit her. She finally came down to India homesick and in depression in 2020. Since then, he seems to be totally indifferent to her. She misses him terribly but he seems disinterested. He is only career driven and she has to message him always. He doesn't want to video chat or voice-call her. It’s nearly two years now. We tried talking to his parents but since they are financially dependent on him, they are not doing anything. What is to be done in this case? Please advise.
Ans:

Dear MM,

I am not against getting daughters married to people who live abroad, but at the same time, there’s only little that you know of them.

Just because the boy lives in the US, does not mean that he is broad minded and progressive.

Sadly, your daughter has fallen into a family that does not value feminine charm and power and wants to cull it before it can spread its magic around.

How do you explain something like this to her?

As a woman and mother, will you tell your daughter to grin it and bear it?

Someone who doesn’t have the decency to initiate a call to talk to his wife, sitting on a throne waiting for her to call? (I am going by the details provided by you as I don’t know his side of the story here).

It might be worth the effort to talk to your daughter and find out, if she has also put in the necessary work into growing into the marriage; as living far away from the family might have made her homesick and not working might have made her feel lonely.

This might have also caused her to isolate herself from the marriage which in turn would have caused cracks in it.

Hear both sides, and then come to a wise decision! Ultimately, she’s your daughter and I do know that you want what’s best for her.

So, think and act in a manner that’s best for her; unbiased to begin with.

Best wishes!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |581 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 05, 2023

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Dear Madam I am a mother of 24 year daughter. She studied in a reputed school with convent background till class XII. After that she went to Bangalore to study Mass comm but came back to her home town. Here again she got admitted to a new college but due to influence of drugs she could not continue. However she is out of that now. In 2020 she fell for a guy who is two years older and started living with him separately without our consent .She was working with a tier 1 IT company then and later she was asked to leave due to attentdance. After that she joined many company but could not continue. Though the guy work sometimes but the main point is he beats her up. Many times she came out but again she goes back saying she cant leave him. She has 5 dogs. Recently also something happened and her friends from canada called me . We asked her to come back but then later she backed out. We are afraid that we might lose her. We are just clueless what to do. How to convince her as she never listened to us. She is our only daughter and me and my husband are working parents.
Ans: Dear Nibedita,



I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're facing with your daughter. It's understandable to feel helpless and unsure about what to do next.

First and foremost, it's important to remember that your daughter is an adult, and ultimately, it's her decision on what choices she makes. However, as her parents, you can still offer support and guidance to help her make the best decisions for her well-being.

It's concerning to hear that your daughter is in an abusive relationship, and it's crucial to ensure that she understands the gravity of the situation. One option is to speak with a professional, such as a therapist or counselor, who can provide insight on how to approach the topic and offer guidance on how to support her.

Additionally, it may be helpful to reach out to organizations that specialize in supporting victims of domestic abuse. They can provide resources and advice on how to deal with the situation and can even offer assistance in finding a safe place for your daughter and her pets.

It's important to maintain open communication with your daughter and let her know that you're there for her, no matter what. Try to avoid blaming or shaming her for her choices, as this can further isolate her from seeking help. Instead, express your concern and offer to assist her in finding a solution that works for her.

Ultimately, it's essential to prioritize your daughter's safety and well-being, even if it means taking difficult steps such as seeking legal action or involving authorities.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |581 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 29, 2024

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Hi, I have a divorcee daughter aged 45 whose unpleasant and quarrelsome behavior is a constant source of misery and headache for whole of the family. Her marriage could not go beyond 2 months as her in-laws turned out to be greedy, troublesome and also found involved in some fraudulent activities with a few police cases against them -- which forced us to seek divorce. I may add that my daughter ever since she was 13 or 14 yrs became a little self-willed and considered her to be always right in action and thought in front of parents or any one else. This has become very serious now. She is not at all open to any kind of reasoning or discussion. If you always act, think or do as per her wish, it is ok otherwise she will start fighting on any thing or every thing. Her attitude of selfishness and always finding faults with other family members including parents is spoiling the peaceful atmosphere of the house. Expecting any kind of adjustment from her is asking for the moon. Kindly advise.
Ans: Dear SN,

I can understand how challenging it must be to deal with your daughter's behavior. It's concerning that she's been displaying this attitude since she was young and that it's causing such turmoil within your family.

Consider seeking the help of a family therapist or counselor who specializes in dealing with family conflicts. A professional can provide an objective perspective and offer strategies for improving communication and resolving conflicts.It's important to establish clear boundaries with your daughter regarding her behavior. Let her know what behaviors are unacceptable and what consequences will follow if those boundaries are crossed.
Encourage Open Communication: Even though your daughter may be resistant to discussion, continue to encourage open communication within the family. Let her know that you're willing to listen to her perspective and work together to find solutions. Instead of solely focusing on her negative behavior, try to reinforce positive behaviors when you see them. Praise her when she acts respectfully or cooperatively, and try to reinforce those behaviors. Show your daughter how to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts peacefully by modeling those behaviors yourself. Avoid getting drawn into arguments or confrontations, and instead, try to remain calm and rational.If your daughter is open to it, encourage her to seek therapy on her own. A therapist can help her explore the underlying reasons for her behavior and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Encourage Self-Reflection: Encourage your daughter to reflect on her behavior and its impact on herself and others. Help her recognize the importance of empathy and understanding in maintaining healthy relationships.
It may take time and patience, but with consistent effort and support, there is hope for improvement. Remember to take care of yourselves and seek support from other family members or friends if needed.

..Read more

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8315 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 30, 2025

Money
Hi Sir, My name is Abhishek, and i am 40 years old, I have 12 lakhs in FD, 6 lakhs in MF and stocks(5+1), and 10 lakhs cash, also, i have a flat in Delhi with 15 lakhs home loan, A car loan of 8 lakhs. and i am a software engr. In an MNC, having salary of 1.5 lakhs in a month. ABOVE IS ALL my asset. But i want to be financially free. Is it possible? Please suggest any best practical idea for me. Currently, WFH in ranchi.
Ans: At 40, with your current income and asset base, the goal of financial freedom is definitely achievable. Let’s work towards a 360-degree financial strategy to help you build a solid and practical roadmap.

Below is a complete evaluation and guidance to align your financial life with your freedom goal.

Current Financial Position – Snapshot and Assessment
You have Rs. 12 lakhs in Fixed Deposit.

You hold Rs. 6 lakhs in mutual funds and stocks.

You are keeping Rs. 10 lakhs in cash.

You have a flat in Delhi. You have Rs. 15 lakhs home loan on it.

You also have a car loan of Rs. 8 lakhs.

Your monthly salary is Rs. 1.5 lakhs from an MNC job. You are working from Ranchi now.

You are 40 years old and working in a stable job.

This is a very decent starting point. You are earning well, and you have good savings. But to reach financial freedom, we need better alignment.

Let’s move step-by-step.

Step 1 – Clarify What Financial Freedom Means to You
Financial freedom is not only about quitting your job.

It means you have enough income from investments to cover your monthly needs.

You should be able to choose to work or not, without worrying about money.

So first, we need to estimate your monthly future expenses post-retirement.

Let’s assume Rs. 60,000 to Rs. 80,000 per month today, adjusted for inflation later.

That means you need to create income sources to support at least Rs. 1 crore to Rs. 2 crore in future corpus.

This is not impossible. You have time and income to build this.

Step 2 – Improve the Quality of Your Assets
Let us now improve your asset quality to suit your freedom goal.

Rs. 12 lakhs in Fixed Deposit is very conservative.

FD earns low returns, and interest is fully taxable.

Keep only 4 to 5 lakhs in FD for emergency use.

Move the rest (7 to 8 lakhs) to good quality mutual funds through SIP.

Your Rs. 10 lakhs in cash is too much to keep idle.

Keep Rs. 1.5 to 2 lakhs in savings for short-term needs.

Move the balance Rs. 8+ lakhs to a liquid mutual fund for better returns.

Over the next 3 to 6 months, you can start shifting this towards equity-oriented funds.

Rs. 6 lakhs in MF and stocks is a good beginning.

But if these include index funds or direct funds, you must evaluate them carefully.

Index funds only copy the market, and don’t actively manage risks.

They underperform in falling or flat markets.

A good actively managed mutual fund is better in Indian conditions.

Direct mutual funds look low-cost, but no expert advice is included.

When you invest through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) who is also a Certified Financial Planner, you get proper hand-holding.

Regular funds through a CFP-linked MFD provide portfolio monitoring, review, and behavioural coaching.

This helps avoid panic selling or greed-driven buying.

Step 3 – Work on Your Loans
You have Rs. 15 lakhs home loan.

This is acceptable if interest is below 8.5% per annum.

Home loan offers tax benefits also. So don’t rush to close it.

Continue paying EMIs without stress. Try to pre-pay 1 EMI every 6 months if possible.

This will reduce your loan term.

But do not use emergency cash or investments to close it.

Car loan of Rs. 8 lakhs is a liability without return.

Try to clear this in the next 1.5 years.

Use your bonus or incentives for that.

Avoid buying new cars or gadgets on EMI again.

Step 4 – Build a Systematic Investment Plan
You should be investing 30% to 40% of your monthly income.

That means Rs. 45,000 to Rs. 60,000 per month.

Start SIPs in diversified actively managed mutual funds.

Allocate more in equity-oriented funds for long-term growth.

Keep a small portion in hybrid or conservative hybrid funds for balance.

If you are supporting family, consider a term insurance plan (not ULIP or endowment).

Term insurance is cheaper and offers better coverage.

Also take health insurance for self and family, even if company gives cover.

Step 5 – Emergency Planning and Risk Management
You must keep an emergency fund equal to 6 months expenses.

You already have FD and cash, so earmark Rs. 3 to 4 lakhs for this.

Put this in a separate savings or liquid mutual fund account.

Don’t touch this unless there is an actual emergency.

Review your health and life insurance policies yearly.

Step 6 – Review and Improve Your Monthly Budgeting
Track your monthly expenses. Use simple mobile apps or Excel.

Avoid impulse expenses like gadgets, travel, or lifestyle items.

Stick to a monthly budget. Save before you spend.

Increase your SIPs every year by 10%.

This will match inflation and improve wealth creation.

Step 7 – Don’t Depend on Real Estate for Financial Freedom
Real estate has low liquidity and high maintenance.

Rental yield is only 2 to 3%.

Also, resale takes time and effort.

Don’t invest more in real estate. Focus on financial instruments instead.

Step 8 – Plan Your Retirement and Passive Income Sources
At age 40, you have 15–17 years to retire.

That’s enough time to build a retirement corpus.

If you invest Rs. 50,000 monthly for 15 years in mutual funds, wealth can be significant.

Once you retire, you can shift to monthly income plans from mutual funds.

These generate regular withdrawals with tax efficiency.

You must also reallocate to more conservative funds as you near retirement.

Avoid annuity products. They give low returns and poor liquidity.

Step 9 – Tax Planning and Filing
Use tax deductions wisely under Sec 80C, 80D and home loan benefits.

Keep your investments tax-efficient.

For example, equity fund gains up to Rs. 1.25 lakhs are tax-free annually.

Above this, LTCG is taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains from equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt fund gains are taxed as per your income slab.

You should do tax planning with a CFP who can review your total asset base.

Step 10 – Set Clear Milestones and Review Yearly
Set short, mid, and long-term goals.

For example: close car loan in 1 year, build Rs. 50 lakhs corpus in 5 years, etc.

Track these goals once every 6 months.

If you miss one goal, don’t panic. Adjust and continue.

Stay disciplined with SIPs and avoid timing the market.

Don’t follow tips or market trends blindly.

Final Insights
You are doing well for your age and income level.

But to reach financial freedom, you need more structured planning.

Convert your cash and FDs to wealth-generating assets.

Stop investing in real estate and focus on financial investments.

Eliminate loans step-by-step.

Increase your SIPs regularly and keep your portfolio reviewed by a Certified Financial Planner.

Review your goals, risks, and insurance every year.

Stay consistent and patient. Freedom will come earlier than expected.

You are on the right track. Just need direction, discipline, and dedication.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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