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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |250 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 25, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 10, 2024Hindi
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Hey Relationship Gurus, I am a married man 31, recently married 6months back to my girlfriend of 4yrs. We we living together for 3.5yrs before marriage. I have been a serial monogamist since 14yrs, and have been moving from one relationship to the next. I have not been completely honest in my past relationships either and have been indulging in infidelity and have a habit of pathologic lying as well. Not trying to make excuses, but I have had issues growing up and have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Now I have been honest and true to my wife and as honest as possible and have not made any bad decisions in my married life and past 3-4yrs of being with my wife during our courtship period. She is an amazing sweet and honest girl who loves me dearly and extremely. Now my biggest problem is that I keep getting thoughts and urges to go back to my old self. I keep craving to flirt with girls and women in my workplace. Is this normal? Am I overthinking and building mountains out of Moe-hills. I'm very upset because on one hand my mind keeps deviating and makes me want to do bad things and cheat n my wife and on the other side I am worried that if I am unable to control and end up acting upon my instinct I will end up irrevocably destroying my relationship and marriage.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that you are in a difficult position. The fact that you are questioning your urges and not giving in to them is a positive sign. You know that it isn't right and you are fighting them. I am not sure if this has anything to do with your diagnosis, but I would still strongly suggest you see a professional therapist. They can guide you out of this situation in a more structured way. Getting strong urges to indulge in infidelity is not making a mountain out of a molehill. It is, in fact, a big issue. I commend you for holding yourself back and trying to work through it. I am also glad that you sought help; asking this question here must not have been easy because you had to admit to yourself that you are wrong. But a professional counselor can truly help you and sort this issue before it takes a toll on the relationship you have worked hard to build.

Best Wishes.

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 30, 2022

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Hello Love Guru. Let me start with, please do not disclose my name/email. That aside, I fell in love with my now wife about 3.5 years ago now but she feels like I betrayed her. The problem I created for myself. When my first girlfriend broke up with me by cheating on me the day she moved away she accepted everything. This was someone who I back then thought was the one and the relationship went on for 5 years. I was down in a very bad way! I struggled to come out of it for a couple years and during that I found out that I enjoyed any attention given to me by any beautiful girl. Even if the attention was just temporary flirting. During my single days, while I was struggling with money and keeping a good job I found a girl who I knew from back in the day and she started flirting with me on day 1 which made me smile a lot. A few weeks after that was the first time I met my now wife and somehow, I knew very quickly that I wanted this beautiful and powerful woman be the one I marry. What I did stupidly is I thought harmless flirting is a non-issue and continued (only flirting and met three times in six months for food and drinks). FYI, this girl knew that I wasn't interested and this was just fun and that I had started to feel love for someone else -- there was no physical intimacy of any kind with this girl. We were just going out to dates once every two months and would talk on phone at times. The moment I realised that things were moving fast with my now wife, I stopped everything and just focused on my wife. The problem is, I never told my wife fearing she wouldn't understand as she has a very narrow view of a relationship between man and woman. Then one day, three years later, my wife decided to check my old drive and found backup of my old phone with about 5-8 pictures of the previous girl and me sitting in a restaurant, taking selfies and laughing. My wife after this reached the conclusion that I betrayed her. My wife knows there was no physical intimacy, she knows she was just a friend but she still feels that I have betrayed her. Since then she has moved to her parent's house and she refuses to come back with me. She says that she has no faith in me anymore and that I might do this again. She says that I was happier with that girl than I am with my wife. What do I do? I don't want to lose my wife.
Ans:

I think this is a massive overreaction on her part.

You met a girl at the side a few times when you were dating your wife. So what?

Yes, I do think it was stupid to hide it from her and you should have come clean, but also what were you hiding exactly? It was a harmless meet-up with a female friend and nothing came of it!

Tell your wife to take her marriage a little more seriously and these silly circumstances a little less seriously and come home already!

If she’s this stuck-up about such small issues, I think she needs therapy.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1040 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 19, 2022

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Dear MamI am a 33 year old male working in a PSU at middle management level. Six years ago I was married happily as per my wish to a girl of my choice.Everything was just perfect. My wife is 4.5 years younger to me. I had to go against my parents wish as they were not comfortable with a non working wife. Mine was not a love story but yes I met girl through a common friend and went ahead for the alliance. Our sex life was also great in the start and we welcomed a baby girl just 2 months short of our first wedding anniversary. However now when I compare I do understand that because of household chores she could not give proper time to me, but still I feel a strong urge to have sex with her. She somehow does not reciprocate well and is dull in having sex. Apart from this we still fight over silly things and tolerance level of both of us have gone very down. Sometimes I feel to this extent that I should walk out from the marriage because I really don't want hot talks in our relationship. I agree I have a 5 year old baby girl. I do control my feelings and anger too to some extent. My wife also does the same but really small things trigger me on. Also I always have a huge sex drive and I feel that if I don't get it from my wife I should look out for other options. I have not cheated with her but I feel that given the option I can because of sex urge. May be this is due to higher libido and I do masturbate occasionally fantasizing my neighbour or other female friends and sometimes my wife too. I don't know what goes through me but seeing your column I felt I should tell you these small details so you could give me an honest answer. I don't want to leave her, I do love her a lot but these fights really make me lose my cool and feel depressed.What should be done according to you ? Should I see a psychiatrist?
Ans:

Dear AY,

I will ask you to introspect and ask yourself: When did things start going downhill?

What event led to this? Surely, things don’t happen all of sudden, so something or some thought must have led to this.

Also, it’s important to understand that managing home and a child is a full time job and it tires the woman a lot.

To be in a mood for sex, the woman needs to be relaxed and calm…if the work at home is tiring, try and hire a domestic helper or any extra help that will ease her.

That way she will have more time to care for herself and her needs as well. Offer to pitch in and this will also bring the two of you closer.

Your theory of your high libido which is not being matched by your wife may or may not be true as sometimes that solution is simpler than you think.

Sadly, we are used to complicating things and look at what’s obvious in front of us.

Sex outside of marriage seems to be an option that has crossed your mind, but I do understand from your letter that you care and love your wife a lot.

Let not a moment of weakness make you shake the foundation of a beautiful relationship that the two of you share.

Have an open chat with her. Express how you feel and speak of your sexual needs.

Most often, communication solves most marriage issues. If this doesn’t work, kindly seek professional help with a marriage therapist.

Ultimately, you know why the two of you are married and why you chose her to be your wife.

Bear that in mind and a lot of yours mind struggles will ease and you will be able to think more usefully and also move into a better marriage space.

Happy 2022 and here’s wishing you the best in life!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1040 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 27, 2023

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Hi Anu, I am happily marrried for 11 years with no kids. This doesnt hamper our relationship and I wish to continue my life happily. Issue is i feel urge to chat with female friends, get into sexting and in a couple of instances got physical as well. In this process i have lost a few friends also as they did get intimate during the chat but later on felt guilty. I do not feel guilty. Me and my wife indulge in roleplays during foreplay and i am also open to be a cuckold during that. Sometimes she enjoys the talk of someone else but sometimes she gets turned off by it. I truely love her and would never leave her. But this habit of mine has cost me a few friends and i am afraid if she would come to know about this, it will destroy her emotionally which i do not want.
Ans: Dear Suraj,
Well, if both of you consent to this experimentation in the bedroom, alright...be happy! But, if she is not comfortable with something, then better to talk about it rather than push it any further. It's fun as long as both the partners enjoy it.
But, what seems to bother you is losing your friends due to intimate chats. Why are you indulging in it? Is it another form of experimentation? Is it an experience that serves you in a way that you can be closer to your wife?
Human beings do things that ultimately results in some form of gain to themselves. But if this is impacting your social circle, then it's time to understand that you must STOP!
Maybe what started off as harmless, turned into something more serious in your female friends and they feel guilty.
You might feel open and quiet fine with these intimate chats, but for them it doesn't end well and they have begun to move away from you. So, seriously turn this off and if you feel that this will hurt your wife, why then?
Making sense?

All the best! Do the wise thing!

..Read more

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