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Living with Wife's Past Relationship & Facing Mother's Terminal Illness: Seeking Advice

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 19, 2024Hindi
Relationship

Hi there, i am going through a difficult phase in my life, i dont know where to start but here my story goes. i work in UAE and i had a balanced and peaceful life until last November where i got married (arranged). we first met last year in march through marriage broker and everything matched, family also liked and we got married in November 2023. Before marriage we used to speak for 10-15 mins almost everyday (all casual talks and i thought everything was ok and she was the perfect match for me and my family). so after marriage i travelled back to uae and was supposed to bring her to UAE in Jan 2024. I had one past relationship for 2 years and we had broken up last year February as she was a from north of india and i was from south India and our families were against it and she wanted to go against family and get married but i was not ready as for me family became priority and we broke up. And after this relationship ended then only this match happened and after one month of my marriage my ex reached out to my wife and shared our relationship details and my wife got very upset and went back to her home. I travelled back to india to console her and tell her that it was my past and i am no longer in relation with my ex and our family involved and sorted this issue. My wife came back to us and everything was normal after that. My wife came to UAE in January 2024 and we started our married life here. All seemed good until i noticed a pattern of her taking to a person on phone everyday when i am out for office and also being very cautious with her phone. On confronting this she told its is her friend and i told her what is the point in talking to him daily for which she cried and told that i am controlling and she dont have freedom to talk to her friends. I left it as she was at home alone and bored and she was also looking for job here and may be with time she will change but still the talking continued until one day in May i was uploading her resume for her job and had access to her google photos and was shocked to see her photos with the guy whom she calls friend. There were photos of her with him after our marriage and also photos with him the day before she came to UAE. I confronted this with her and she cried and told that previously she had relation with him and parents did not agree and later she married me and had forgotten him but since she came to know about my past relationship she continued to stay in contact with him. She is not telling the complete story as i saw their photos before our marriage and even before our match happened and I have also seen her google location timelines as well. I told her to stop this if we want to continue our marriage she told ok but she still talks & chats to him through watsapp & botim because she is very secretive of her phone. She takes good care of me and tells she loves me but I am not sure she really loves me or just faking it. Now she is 3 months pregnant. I am thinking she will leave me for her ex giving me the baby after the baby is born as she mentioned this during one of our arguments. This is one side of my story and between all this my mom fell sick and upon consulting, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer stage 3A and I tried to get her the best treatment (chemo) but the cancer has spread widely and because of her age also she cannot take the treatment. Tried ayurvedic and herbal medicines but nothing can be done and doctors have told max she will live is 6 months. She is bedridden now and in pain everyday. I have a decent job in Dubai with decent salary where I have built my own house in my native and managing my home (parents in india & wife is UAE) but currently my finances is also effected very badly as I spent lot of money for our marriage and for my mothers treatment and I have loans and multiple credit cards as well. I am very stressed and all these things are eating me up daily and i don't know what to do and what went wrong and where? Even i cannot focus on my job as well. Please advise how can i go about these situation. i cannot share these to anyone also, Please advise.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It is always better that your spouse hears about your past from you and no one else.
Obviously your ex decided to have the best revenge by reaching out to your wife and it has made its mark as it has messed with your wife's head and seeped within your marriage making it difficult for the two of you to have a relationship. And now, a baby as well when your relationship is still messed up?
Sort this out before the baby arrives. No point wondering is she is going to leave you etc. Why could your wife not trust you even when you ex came back with stories, I wonder!
Do you both realize the lack of communication has resulted in a breakdown of trust? Can you reconnect at least now and at least for the sake of the child?
Come together as a couple and learn to love, support and trust and the only way to do that is by keeping the last away...
Is it possible? YES! Only if you choose it...
So, make that choice of working on the marriage, keep the past out and think of how to move ahead...Easier said and also done...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Love Guru

Love Guru   | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 07, 2022

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Dear LG, Please don't disclose my name. I don't want to share my personal problems with others. I am 45 years old, married 13 years ago; my wife's age is now 38 years. I got two kids. My wife is pretty (she takes lot of care for her beauty) and I want to live simple. I kept faith on my wife so I didn't interfere in her life. From last four years, I am staying away from family (because of work I have shifted to other city, monthly once I go back , purchase everything, give money for expense and return to job). She keeps her mobile with security. Once, by mistake, I read her WhatsApp message. One of her office client was praising her pics and she was responding to him. So I told her, be official, don't entertain, if they fall behind you and we may face problem. She agreed but is doing the same thing and deleting his messages. Then I wanted to see what all things she does in WhatsApp. So her link I shared in my mobile and started reading her messages. She use to chat with one married person from last three years, she changed his name in her mobile and kept his wife's name. Three years back he proposed her with love song. My wife used to support him, sometimes she used to delete the messages. He knows all my family history. Whenever they get time, they used to talk each other in phone. Some messages I read, they were planning to meet also. She always come home very late, I didn't question her because I kept faith, but as I told you I have two kids in home. If she comes late, they are facing a problem (they stay alone until she comes back). Simultaneously she is chatting with another married friend. She says he is like a brother in front of me, but that person says baby, darling, dear, love, etc, in his conversation and forwarded some love songs and calling her for long drive. My wife replied some other day we will go. He replies, You always says same thing. I will become old one day. Then I was surprised and guided my wife indirectly. I told, don't entertain any person they may start to trouble you or if anybody troubling you please tell I will help you. We got two kids so we got lot of responsibility. She got a clue that I am reading her messages, so immediately she deleted all messages and after some days she deleted their numbers, along with that she deleted some other numbers also!  Why, I don't know. Once I told my son, beware, I can track you and tell where are you going and what are you doing. But from that day onwards, my wife is blocking her internet at 6 pm (when her office closes) and unblocking when she returns home. I am worried regarding this behaviour. I have stopped reading her messages now. But now I am feeling very uncomfortable because her behaviour is very soft with me, (previously she was very aggressive, she used to fight with me unnecessarily.) Please guide me how to handle the situation. What can I do now? Sometimes I feel I should leave everything go somewhere or is it a punishment for marrying a pretty girl? What to do? Please guide how handle the situation. Regards.
Ans:

So, in a nutshell, you think your wife was flirting behind your back, you dropped some hints and then she has either stopped, or then stopped you from spying on her phone.

First of all, why are you dropping hints to her instead of talking straight? Which husband is going to appreciate his wife being wooed by other men with all this darling-baby love talk?

Even if she’s not having an affair, the flirty behaviour is bound to make you uncomfortable. Don’t you think you should call her out on it instead of pretending like some other man is making her uncomfortable?

Clearly, she’s enjoying the attention!

You seem very timid and intimidated by your wife. And if her behaviour has changed toward you for the better because you suspect she is guilty of something, all the more reason to get to the bottom of it!

Stop playing games and pussyfooting around her. Do some straight-talking for a change instead of going behind her back and reading messages!

And FYI, being good-looking doesn’t give any spouse licence to make their partner insecure!

 

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |352 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 07, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I am 40 year old and married for 14 years but what happened in 2011 was me n my wife was working in a same company and my wife became close to a colleague on the same floor we work. She was very friendly n one day her colleague proposed her via her friend my wife didn't tell me n she felt very excited about it and after she became very friendly with him after few days she was ignoring me and she expressed her feelings too.but soon she realised she is going wrong and i noticed her changed behaviour and soon she started ignoring tht guy but he came n offered her chocolate and my wife informed me saying this guy's intentions I ask her to tie raakhi she tried but he was running away later we logged out she asked me to stop him and I forced him to him to tie raakhi and my wife was tying and he said I love u. I gve a tight slap to tht guy. Soon after he left the job. We were still working and left the office n joined different companies.after 6 months she went to same office for 2 months. And suddenly she left the job.Now after 12 years her TL met with my ex colleague and shared he working in tht office my colleague asked hey in tht same office my friend was working with his wife and her TL said ohh yeah his wife had n affair with other guy and he asked his wife to raakhi. And my ex colleague called me n said the same to me and since then I have so many doubts on my wife and after few days she confessed she had feelings for him and she already knew he likes her and she said it was just a feeling. Now we are having difference between us. Please help what can be done now I'm getting disturbed alot. 12 years this was secret.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear that you are facing such issues. Doubt is very destructive in a relationship. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner regarding what happened in the past. Don't push her to give you all the details; it will not contribute positively to your well-being. Aim for a more balanced and productive discussion.

You have to recognize that all these happened many years back. It's in the past. And you cannot change it. While it's essential to acknowledge and understand them, dwelling on them may impact your peace of mind. Focus on the present and try to build a more transparent and communicative relationship in the present. Take this opportunity to work together and strengthen your marriage.

Best Wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1194 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Madam me and my wife were married for 13 Odd Yrs and have been blessed with 2 kids aged about 12 and 8 respectively, while things were quite good but my wife addiction to social media ( FB / Insta ) spoilt entire relationship and she making up friends who are totally unknown spoilt her and also found out in the long run she was involved with other men, eventually we got divorced and kids custody was given to me but after about 2 Yrs i realised my kids needs support of an mother at home as it was making things difficult for me as a single parent to manage, thereby i happend to meet a person who had advertised thru marriage portal, though she was a widow with 2 kids, felt she cd be able to handle it better as her kids have lost their father, felt this would work, first few months she was quite okay later on she starting unnecessarily issues and made sure my kids return back to their biological mother as they felt things were more comfortable over there, and this partner of mine expects me to show love attention only to her and her biological kids, though she doesnt say it straight, her reactions and unnecessary disputes and fights after me visiting my kids or meeting them or even if i have gone to visit my mother or had lunch or dinner with her, make her feel very restlesness, i have always told and advised her to maintain good relationship with my family, but due to her arrogance and ignorance my own family members have distanced her and continue to talk to me or meet me outside, she has gone to the extent saying she wants to get out of the relationship and i had borrowed money due to my hardtimes and she keeps saying she wants money to be returned so that she steps out and want to stay independently with her kids, I am also fed up and completely lost being away from my kids and my mother Is it advisable to go for divorce or just seperation will do, or can a bond paper specifiying that i have returned her money and have ended this relationship and no claims further will be entertained, can i have this - Pls guide, its better to stay single and take care of my own kids and mother than being away from them and taking care of other kids as own...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's a lot of mess...where and how things went downhill is something that you surely know. Take care of the children first. The kid are caught in the middle of all of this.
Yours and hers as well...
Sadly, she hasn't matured to understand the concept of embracing your children as her own but wants to cling on to you and literally draw a wedge between you and your family.
RED FLAG, right there...

Now, you need to think about how all this is affecting the children and the impact it is having in your daily life. Is there a way by which this lady will be able to understand that you all will be one big unit; children, the two of you and your family and hers as well...If she is prepared for this, then it gets easy on everyone but if her insecurities are going to get the better of her, this is a bigger mess that you could have ever imagined.
Have a frank talk and clearly state the people who are important to you and that you wish to be connected to them just as she wants her children to be a part of her life.
Hear what she has to say and then I guess, you will know what to do as your ask and want is clear in your mind. The best relationships are the ones that bring people together and nourishes them.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6592 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 14, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi I am 46 years old, my current investment is -as the follows, 1.90 cr in bank FD, 10 lakh in mutual fund and stocks. 50 lakhs for child’s education 1 child in grade 10. I have a house worth 2 cr which I have given for rent 40k monthly .I do not want to work any more and plan to retire in the next 2 years in my other house in my village. Is it possible to retire by 50 years.
Ans: At 46, you have built up a solid base for retirement. Your current investments include Rs 1.9 crore in fixed deposits (FDs), Rs 10 lakh in mutual funds and stocks, and Rs 50 lakh set aside for your child’s education. Additionally, you own a house worth Rs 2 crore, generating a rent of Rs 40,000 per month. Retiring by 50 is a realistic goal, but careful planning is needed. Let’s break down how this can be achieved and sustained.

Monthly Expenses After Retirement
The first step to ensuring a successful retirement is to estimate your monthly expenses. Since you plan to retire in your village house, your living costs might be lower than in the city. However, it's important to account for:

Regular living expenses such as food, utilities, and transportation.
Medical and health care costs that might increase as you age.
Inflation, which will erode the value of your savings over time.
You should aim to create an emergency fund and a monthly income plan that covers at least your basic needs. Your rental income of Rs 40,000 will cover a part of this, but more sources of income will ensure financial stability.

Education Fund for Your Child
With Rs 50 lakh set aside for your child’s education, you are already in a strong position. However, as your child is currently in grade 10, higher education expenses could increase significantly over the next few years.

To maintain the growth of this fund, consider placing it in a combination of low-risk instruments like debt mutual funds. These funds are less volatile and offer better returns than traditional savings methods. This strategy ensures that the education corpus remains intact and grows moderately until it's needed.

Reassessing the Fixed Deposits (FDs)
You have Rs 1.9 crore in fixed deposits, which provides stability. While FDs offer guaranteed returns, the interest rates can be lower than inflation over time. Hence, relying too much on FDs could limit your long-term growth.

Since you are planning to retire within two years, it's essential to start shifting a portion of this money into balanced investment options. These can include mutual funds with a mix of debt and equity, which provide a balance of stability and growth.

This move can help you combat inflation and generate better long-term returns without too much risk.

Mutual Fund and Stock Investments
Your Rs 10 lakh investment in mutual funds and stocks is another important part of your portfolio. You could consider:

Increasing your exposure to mutual funds with a focus on equity, especially in growth funds. Over the next two to three years, these funds can potentially generate higher returns, enhancing your retirement corpus.

Actively managed funds can offer better results compared to index funds, as professional fund managers help navigate market volatility.

Avoid direct funds, as they require constant monitoring and may lack the guidance that comes with investing through a certified financial planner (CFP).

You can slowly phase out some of your FD savings and channel them into well-diversified mutual funds. This strategy will increase your overall return potential and give you more flexibility.

Rental Income and Sustainable Withdrawals
Your rental income of Rs 40,000 is a good source of passive income. Post-retirement, you will rely more on this money to meet your monthly expenses. But it is crucial to build a sustainable withdrawal strategy from your other investments as well.

Consider the following steps to ensure you have enough income post-retirement:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): You can set up an SWP in your mutual funds to provide a regular stream of income. An SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount each month while letting your corpus continue to grow.

Diversification of sources: Along with your rental income, an SWP from your mutual funds, interest from fixed deposits, and dividends from your stock investments will help you maintain a steady cash flow.

Medical Insurance and Health Care Planning
One of the most important aspects of retiring early is securing your health care. Medical costs can take up a significant portion of your savings if not properly managed.

Ensure you have a comprehensive health insurance policy with adequate coverage. Additionally, consider a top-up health insurance plan to cover higher medical expenses that could arise in the future. This will protect your retirement corpus from being depleted due to medical emergencies.

Managing Inflation and Risk
Inflation can severely impact your retirement plans. The costs of goods, services, and medical care will rise over time. Therefore, your investments must grow faster than inflation to maintain your lifestyle.

To counter inflation, it’s advisable to:

Maintain a portion of your portfolio in equity. Equity investments historically offer higher returns compared to debt and fixed-income options. Over the long term, equities can help your corpus grow at a rate that outpaces inflation.

Diversify into debt funds to reduce risk while maintaining liquidity. A mix of equity and debt will help you stay safe from market volatility but still give you decent growth.

Risk Management in Retirement
Since you plan to retire at 50, it’s essential to preserve your capital while also growing it. The strategy of balancing risk and reward is crucial. You can:

Lower the risk in equity investments as you approach your retirement date. You could reduce your equity exposure gradually and shift to lower-risk investments like debt funds, which are more stable.

Avoid high-risk investments or speculative moves, especially when you are so close to retirement. Your focus should now be on wealth preservation with moderate growth.

Final Insights
Yes, retiring by 50 is possible, but it requires careful management of your assets and income sources. Here’s a summary of how you can achieve this:

Reassess your fixed deposits: Move a portion into mutual funds to increase returns while keeping a part for liquidity.

Increase your mutual fund investments: Actively managed funds can offer better long-term growth, especially when you are not working.

Leverage your rental income: Rs 40,000 monthly rental income will cover part of your expenses, but supplement it with SWPs from your mutual fund corpus.

Preserve the education fund: Invest in safer instruments to ensure the Rs 50 lakh remains secure and grows steadily.

Diversify and manage risk: A mix of equity and debt will give you growth and safety, and help fight inflation.

Health care planning: Ensure you have strong health insurance coverage to protect your retirement corpus from medical emergencies.

By taking these steps, you can retire at 50 with financial security and peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

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