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Conflicted Feelings for Female Colleague: Can I Navigate Love and Loyalty?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1449 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Rupannita Question by Rupannita on Nov 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Mam I am a fifty year old man with a loving family. I was employed in a company which I left earlier. During COVID I was little stressed in another company on my job and I rejoined my earlier company. One of my female colleague who was in the earlier organisation during my first innings helped me to join the organisation and in my second innings we are the only two in the department. Naturally there are lots of conversations, communications, interactions related to work. She is around nine years younger than me and is unmarried. We used to share lots of moments in office like common topics, health, my family, friends, her parents, friends etc...apart from work. Gradually I started developing feelings for her. I have a notion that she also developed the same. There has neither been any physical intimacy nor joint outings outside office. But as you know both of us started to realise that I cannot sail in two boats at the same time and also she. We both share a very professional relation amongst us in the Office with boundaries and caution and rarely interact on issues other than office work. We still are the two in our department. Somehow I cannot delete the feelings for her from my mind and its more difficult as we are the only persons in our department and in constant touch for work But yes, I will never be able to leave my family. Please advise. Thanks and Regards,

Ans: Dear Rupannita,
You can't keep one leg at home and another in another place and expect both to work the way that you want.
You are attached to the family and that's the place you are going to feel happy as well. So, all these feelings for the other person; do evaluate what it's going to do to your peace of mind.
Feelings cannot be deleted as you said BUT whether you want to act on those feelings is a choice that you must make. See where your life moves hanging onto a parallel life!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |508 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 01, 2023

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Hi, i am 47 yrs, married & blessed with twin babies. Off late, my relationship with my wife is not good. She started avoiding me and very often blames, fights with me with misguidance of her mother. I advised my MIL too not to do so as you are playing with her life and my life too. She acts very innocent. Coz of this, i started feeling very lonely and stressed. No happiness or peace of mind in life. Now, i started to get attracted to my subordinate colleague who is 37 yrs not married, who is very caring, always watching me, following me. Now we communicate very freely. I sense that she likes me a lot but very afraid to express coz 1. i am her boss. 2. I am married with twin babies..... I am also very attached to her. I feel i started to love her. but practically, i cannot express as i know my limits. Kindly advise what to do. I don't want to lose my colleague also....
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

If you think your wife has been acting mean because of the misguidance of her mother, the right course of action is to have a clear-cut discussion with both your wife and her mother. Getting attached to a colleague is not a solution, nor is it absolutely ethical. Moreover, there is a good possibility that your wife is bothered about something else, or maybe handling two kids of the same age is taking a toll on her. If you did not discuss these with her yet, then it's high time you do so. Also, try to spend more time together, not just as parents of your babies, but as a couple. In any case, starting to develop feelings, whether it is in your control or not, is never the answer.

Best Wishes!

..Read more

Mohit

Mohit Arora  |68 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Jul 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am 42 years old married who is woking at an establishment of a Public Sector company. I am holding a senior position. I have one female colleague who is of my age and married. She very frequently comes to my cabin and sits with me. She sits very close to me almost touching my body. She is very frank with me and discuss very personal things with me. She adores me a lot. Since last couple of days, I have started missing her when she is not around. I don't know how to overcome this situation. I think she also has liking for me. Please advise what to do
Ans: If you choose to go ahead, then let her know and take things forward with her. Its clear you are attracted to her.

If you are attracted to your colleague and you believe that she is interested in you, then you may want to consider pursuing a relationship with her. However, it is important to be aware of the potential risks and consequences of doing so.

If you don't want to proceed with her, then start focusing on your hobbies, works, other interests.

If you are not interested in pursuing a relationship with your colleague, then it is important to set clear boundaries and focus on other aspects of your life. This may include spending more time with your family and friends, pursuing your hobbies, or focusing on your career.

Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to pursue a relationship with your colleague is up to you. However, it is important to weigh the potential risks and benefits before making a decision.

Mohit Arora S
Founder - Real Dating School

www.realdatingschool.com/1-1_call

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |508 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 03, 2024
Relationship
I recently joined a new organisation and had developed a friendship with a new woman colleague who has joined new.Offlate I see her where she has huge crush on me.Iam married with 2 kids and she has got late marriage with 1 kid.I pick her and drop her often.I could sense she is mad and possessive on me and offlate I also intend in having crush on her and I couldn't live without seeing or speaking with her.We never opened out but I could sense from both of us feelings.We both have not opened up but not told in open but she always says you r so handsome etc.But tell me how to deal with this.I feel couldn't live without her.. Please suggest
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There are two issues I would like to address- first, you both are married. Second, you are assuming she has a crush on you. I do not know how you want to approach this 'crush' when you are in a legally committed relationship. In normal circumstances, I would've suggested getting verbal confirmation of your coworker's feelings first and then pursuing her, but in your case, how she feels does not even matter because you are not single; neither is she. The right course of action would be to reflect on your feelings and get to the root of them- why are you seeking these feelings outside of your marriage and what is lacking in it? Then have an open discussion with your wife and take it from there- you will have two options: work on your marriage, or opt for separation and then pursue any crush you want to. But before that, I cannot offer you any other advice.

Best Wishes.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |499 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 01, 2024

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Dear Mam I am a fifty year old man with a loving family. I was employed in a company which I left earlier. During COVID I was little stressed in another company on my job and I rejoined my earlier company. One of my female colleague who was in the earlier organisation during my first innings helped me to join the organisation and in my second innings we are the only two in the department. Naturally there are lots of conversations, communications, interactions related to work. She is around nine years younger than me and is unmarried. We used to share lots of moments in office like common topics, health, my family, friends, her parents, friends etc...apart from work. Gradually I started developing feelings for her. I have a notion that she also developed the same. There has neither been any physical intimacy nor joint outings outside office. But as you know both of us started to realise that I cannot sail in two boats at the same time and also she. Now we both share a very professional relation amongst us in the Office with boundaries and caution and rarely interact on issues other than office work. We still are the two in our department. Somehow I cannot delete the feelings for her from my mind and its more difficult as we are the only persons in our department and in constant touch for work But yes, I will never be able to leave my family. Please advise. Thanks and Regards,
Ans: The first step in addressing this is to recognize that feelings, while they can be powerful, do not define actions. You’ve already demonstrated a strong commitment to your family by maintaining boundaries and shifting your relationship with your colleague to a purely professional one. This shows a conscious effort to align your actions with your values, which is an important foundation.

It’s also important to reflect on what might have contributed to these feelings. They may not solely be about your colleague as a person but could also reflect unmet emotional needs, stress, or the appeal of a connection that feels easy and understanding during a challenging time in your life. Identifying these underlying factors can help you understand yourself better and redirect your energy toward strengthening your emotional connection with your family.

Managing the proximity with your colleague at work is understandably challenging. To maintain your professional relationship while protecting your personal boundaries, consider setting clear mental and emotional limits. Focus conversations strictly on work-related topics, avoid situations that might blur boundaries, and remind yourself regularly of your commitment to your family and the life you’ve built with them.

It might also help to channel the emotional energy you’ve felt toward this colleague into enhancing your relationship with your spouse. Reinvesting in your marriage—through shared activities, open communication, or even small gestures of affection—can help renew your bond and remind you of what is truly meaningful in your life.

If these feelings continue to linger and cause distress, speaking with a therapist or counselor could provide a safe space to process your emotions and explore strategies to cope. They can help you navigate this situation in a way that aligns with your values and preserves your emotional well-being.

The fact that you are seeking advice and prioritizing your family shows that you are deeply committed to doing the right thing. With time, effort, and self-awareness, you can navigate these emotions and maintain integrity in both your personal and professional life.

..Read more

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Nitin

Nitin Narkhede  |53 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 14, 2025Hindi
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Money
Hi sir/mam, I'm 32 years old working in a private firm as Manager. I own 9 lacs in FDs, accumulated 17 lacs in Mutual funds through SIP of around 23k pm (currently XIRR at 15-16% in with 75% in equity). I also have 2.5 lacs in PPF and 1.2 lacs in NPS. For tax savings I do yearly investments in PPF and NPS of about 1 lacs and rest I cover with ELSS (part of my SIPs). I want to retire at the age of 50, my current salary is 1.2 lac per month in hand, and receive few incentives of 1.5 lac a yr. I live in Mumbai with my wife and plan to buy a house of 60 lacs (out of which 20 L I'm borrowing from family, and rest of it will be loan with about 35k EMI). I also have a flat in NCR worth 80 L (purchased at 35 lacs), for which I have an EMI of 11k per month which is covered by rent I receive from there. I don't have kids yet, but I plan to have two of them. What should be my plan of investing that I can retire by max between 50 and 55 yrs of age with an upper middle class lifestyle in either Mumbai or NCR. How much should my corpus be? My current expenses are around 60k including rent in Mumbai, and my parents are independent. I have both health and life insurance of 1 cr+ cover.
Ans: Dear Friend,
To retire comfortably at 50-55 with an upper-middle-class lifestyle, you’ll need a retirement corpus of ?5 crore. Currently, your mutual funds, PPF, and NPS are projected to grow to ~?1.82 crore by 50. To bridge the gap of ?2.18 crore, increase your SIPs by ?30,000/month in equity funds, which can grow to ~?2.25 crore at 12% CAGR in 18 years. Prioritize repaying the ?20 lakh family loan after buying the Mumbai house, ensuring the ?35,000 EMI doesn’t hinder your additional investments. Post-retirement, rely on rental income from your NCR property and a 4% systematic withdrawal strategy from your corpus to cover inflation-adjusted expenses. Maintain ?5-6 lakhs in an emergency fund and continue tax-saving investments like ELSS, PPF, and NPS. Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to stay aligned with your goals. With disciplined savings and investments, you’re on track for a secure retirement.
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Free webinar https://bit.ly/PLH-Webinar

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7593 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025Hindi
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Money
Hello sir, I am 35yo with 2 (4yo, 1yo) children. Can I retire now, with following corpus: mutual fund and stocks : 3.5 crore, lands: 50 lakh, PF&PPF: 80 lakh, FD: 25 lakh, SGB &Gold:50 lakh. Currently doesn't own any house. Monthly expense is around 1 lakh.
Ans: Your corpus and monthly expenses show a solid foundation. Retirement at 35, however, requires careful assessment. Let’s analyse your situation step by step.

Current Financial Assets and Allocations

Mutual Funds and Stocks: Rs 3.5 crore

This is a significant part of your corpus. Equity investments offer high growth potential.

Lands: Rs 50 lakh

Real estate investments are illiquid. Consider them only for long-term growth or inheritance.

PF and PPF: Rs 80 lakh

These provide stability and assured returns. These are good for meeting long-term goals.

Fixed Deposit: Rs 25 lakh

FDs are low-risk and ensure liquidity. This is beneficial for emergencies.

SGB and Gold: Rs 50 lakh

Gold is a strong hedge against inflation. It also offers diversification.

Monthly Expense Analysis

Your monthly expense of Rs 1 lakh equates to Rs 12 lakh annually.

Accounting for inflation, this expense will grow over time. Planning for this is crucial.

Core Observations

Your total corpus is Rs 5.55 crore. This is substantial for your age.

Inflation and rising expenses over time will impact your corpus.

Without a house, rent becomes a recurring expense. Factor this into your calculations.

You have no guaranteed income sources post-retirement.

Key Areas of Improvement

Housing

Consider buying a house if feasible. Owning a house ensures stability and reduces rent.

Do not invest excessively in real estate as it is illiquid.

Corpus Utilisation

Avoid over-reliance on equity investments for withdrawals. Equity is volatile in the short term.

Use a mix of debt and equity for regular withdrawals.

Children’s Education and Marriage

Both are major financial goals. Plan dedicated investments for these.

Use long-term instruments for education and marriage funds.

Emergency Fund

Maintain an emergency fund of at least 12 months of expenses.

Keep it in liquid funds or high-yield savings accounts.

Recommended Financial Strategies

Asset Allocation

Diversify your portfolio across equity, debt, and gold.

Maintain 60% equity, 30% debt, and 10% gold as a starting point. Adjust as needed.

Mutual Fund Investments

Continue with actively managed funds. These can outperform index funds in emerging markets like India.

Avoid direct funds if you lack time or expertise. Regular funds offer advisor support and insights.

Debt Investments

Increase debt allocation for stability. Consider high-quality debt mutual funds.

Ensure these align with your withdrawal needs.

Tax Planning

Monitor tax implications of mutual fund withdrawals.

LTCG from equity funds above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

Plan withdrawals to minimise tax liabilities.

Insurance Needs

Ensure adequate health insurance for your family. Cover at least Rs 25 lakh for each member.

Check if you have term insurance. Secure Rs 2-3 crore coverage for your family’s financial safety.

Inflation and Lifestyle Adjustments

Inflation can erode your purchasing power. Plan investments to counter inflation.

Avoid lifestyle inflation. Stick to essential expenses wherever possible.

Income Generation Options

Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWP)

Use SWP from mutual funds for regular income.

Choose hybrid funds for better stability and returns.

Rental Income

Invest part of your corpus in commercial properties.

Ensure this aligns with your liquidity needs and risk profile.

Freelance or Part-Time Work

Consider light work for additional income. It can extend your corpus.

Use your skills to generate flexible income streams.

Monitoring and Review

Review your portfolio annually. Adjust allocations as goals evolve.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner for periodic checks.

Final Insights

Retirement at 35 is ambitious but achievable with meticulous planning. Your current corpus is strong, but consider the following:

Plan for inflation, children’s needs, and healthcare costs.

Diversify investments and secure guaranteed income sources.

Avoid premature decisions. Evaluate thoroughly before retiring.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |508 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 11, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a 20 years old guy and in my past romantic relationships, have shown signs of emotional instability, too much dependency and lack of awareness of boundaries which affected my relationships badly...I hadn’t interacted with people in a long while since 2020 (precisely when lockdown had started) and feel that some aspects of my personality are not developed fully as they should be at this age. How to work on this? Also, i have noticed that I am able to create a good first impression but it soon pales and I feel like I am subtly disrespected or talked down to, and this has been happening in all interactions...i am always respectful (often to a fault!) and even have people pleasing tendencies...i sometimes ask immature weird questions and that might probably be the reason (but they’re never inappropriate)...but i do want to gain insights into why i am experiencing what i am and how to navigate this situation well so that I can maintain healthy relationships in future. Thanks you!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I want you to understand that it is no small feat to realize the quirks and imperfections in ourselves- you have done it. Your effort to understand and rectify them deserves to be acknowledged and appreciated.
Now, coming to your question, I can only give you some general advice on each-
Emotional instability and dependency- these behavioral patterns can stem from various factors; it can be a lack of confidence or some past issues that are left unresolved. It is difficult for me to tell you exactly why it is happening. It can also arise from a lack of validation. To manage it, you can focus on self-regulation- like meditation or journaling whenever you feel these emotions rising. This way you are expressing them but not damaging your relationships. Take up new hobbies or goals. Achieving milestones can build confidence.
Navigating Boundaries- You can speak to your partner in the early stage of the relationship to understand their boundaries. This way there will be clarity and you won't overstep. You can set up some boundaries too.
For better interpersonal skills, you can proactively follow some rules- like active listening, avoiding overthinking, asking open-ended questions, and resisting the urge to seek your partner's approval.
About the awkward questions- it is important to understand that you might perceive them as awkward, but the person opposite to you might think of it as a genuine curiosity. As long as it isn't intrusive or inappropriate, there are no awkward questions.
Like these, I can only offer you some general advice. But the best advice of them all would be to seek counseling. It has done wonders for people. And the first step, which is identifying the issues is already done. Bravo! What's wrong with taking a little professional help in navigating the next steps? They can guide you in a more structured manner.
Hope this helps.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |499 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 09, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for the past 4 years, but due to various issues, things have become extremely complicated. Her father doesn’t approve of me, and my mother doesn’t like her either. Despite this, we’ve managed to stay together all these years. The problem is now escalating. My family is pressuring me to marry someone else, but I’m unable to leave her. At the same time, I feel I can’t marry her either because of her behavior and the ongoing issues with my family. I’ve tried to ask her to change certain things, but she hasn’t made any efforts in that direction. To make matters worse, her mother supports our relationship and trusts me, which makes it even harder for me to walk away. I don’t want her to marry someone else, but I also feel stuck because of my family’s expectations and the challenges in our relationship. Even If I leave her I don't know what she is going to do. What should I do in this situation to make the best decision for everyone involved?
Ans: it's crucial to reflect on what you truly want and need from a relationship. Ask yourself if this relationship brings you the happiness and fulfillment you seek, or if the challenges you face are too significant to overcome. It's important to differentiate between staying out of love and staying out of fear or obligation.

Talking to your partner openly is essential. Share your concerns honestly and listen to her perspective. If there are changes you've hoped for, express why they matter to you. At the same time, recognize that change is a two-way street—it requires effort and willingness from both sides. If she hasn't made efforts in the areas you've discussed, it may be worth considering whether this is a pattern that can be changed or a fundamental mismatch in expectations.

Your family's disapproval complicates things further, but it's important to remember that this is your life and relationship. While their opinions are significant, they shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in your happiness. Balancing respect for their wishes with your own needs is a delicate task, but ultimately, you need to make a decision that feels right for you.

If the relationship feels unsustainable despite your efforts, it may be time to consider a different path. It's understandable that you’re concerned about her well-being, especially given her mother's trust in you, but staying out of guilt or obligation can lead to further unhappiness for both of you. If you decide to part ways, doing so with kindness and honesty can help mitigate some of the hurt.

Ultimately, this decision is deeply personal. Weighing your feelings, the relationship dynamics, and your family's expectations will guide you toward a resolution that prioritizes your well-being and future happiness.

...Read more

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