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Worried Dad: Separating with wife, worried about kids' wellbeing

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 04, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am a father of two young daughters aged 5 and 3. I and my wife got love married and post marriage things began to fall apart. The relationship is not where I have done any physical abuse as we see generally posted in this group . But the issue is more of the individual viewpoints and hence arguments. For every action I take there are reverse opinions and which ends with a feud which takes a lot of mental toll on me and my wife. So considering what we are going through we decided to seperate in good terms. But I am worried about how this will impact my kids. When separating, obviously I will have to stay seperate and I will not be able to meet and play with my kids like I do daily today. Best case would be weekends where I can spend my maximum time with them. Along with this the other concern is if either of us want to get into another relationship or dating, how best can we do along with co parenting? We both are 35 yrs old

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It is unfortunate that you both have decided to separate; but now having taken that step, it would be a good idea for both of you to actually have an honest discussion on 'How to Co-parent'. Each couple does it in their own way BUT there are a few pointers that is a MUST DO:
- Make your children a priority; co-parenting is about them and not the two of you
- Make sure that the two of you don't bring in your agenda to be conveyed through the children
- Be respectful of one another when in front of the children so that they don't pick off from the vibes
- Keep the other parent always in the loop about things that concerns the children
- Keep your word on time committed that will support the other parent
- If there is a new relationship that either parent is exploring, when it gets serious, do share that with the other parent so that they will know how to handle the children's questions

The list can go on...but always be sure that you pursue co-parenting from a space of mutual trust, respect and understanding.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 29, 2021

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My wife and I have been married for 15+ years and we have two young kids (5 and 10 yrs old). We are from northern India and sort of settled in the USA. The issue is that our communication has been very poor and since the birth of our first child about 10 years ago, the problem has become significantly worse. During the initial years of a kid's life it is obviously understandable to have an infant sleep with parents in bed, but my wife decided to continue doing that years into the birth. This continued till my first child was 5 or 6 years older. And then came along our second kid and the same thing repeated. I was not in agreement with this way of having kids sleep in bed every night and I started sleeping separately and have been doing that for years. I believe this in itself caused multiple cascading communication issues and our detachment from each other. My wife does not take any time out for the two of us and instead spends almost all her time caring for herself or kids. My wife is also very (extremely) possessive and insecure with kids and me developing any kind of meaningful bond. I have to ask her permission for example to take kids out or else she uses sarcasm, demean etc., or other ways to intimidate me as if I am doing something wrong. I need your help to understand if any of this kind of behavioUr can be considered 'normal'. Can I say to myself - 'bad luck, but this happens in marriage and is not a good enough reason to consider separation and divorce'? Or the behaviour I am seeing is way out of the ordinary and cause for some action to save my mental health. I feel lonely, depressed and deprived of emotional support, and really miss time with my kids as well as being a parent to them in ways I think is best for them. Parenting style significant differences have further increased the rift between us, and since kids spend a vast majority of their time with mom, I see them develop personalities which I think is not best for them as they step out into the world and become independent. I am really squeezed between many conflicting thoughts. Should I work on leaving this marriage after years of trying to establish some minimum communication and mutual trust? Should I stay for the sake of my kids, but if so what is the point, I am not able to parent them anyway in any meaningful way? We have arguments and verbal fights a lot and that is the only communication we have left now and otherwise weeks and months go by without any calm and meaningful conversations. I am very lost and hope for some advice that I can apply and clear my thoughts. I will very much appreciate your help.
Ans: Dear VB, this is like kids becoming the third person in the marriage which is very common in a lot of couples.

Sex waning after having kids is something that many marriages go through, also the mother can be tired after caring for the home, work and the kids…sex is the last thing on her mind.

But, yes you do have a point when you mention that kids are still lurking in your bed which is not healthy for their development.

Just a thought, has your wife found this as a convenient option to avoid any intimacy with you?

If yes, what and why is she avoiding? These can be answered only when the two of you set aside your emotions aside and talk as civil adults.

If that isn’t a possibility, kindly take the help of a professional who will:

  • Help your wife transition from mother to wife and ease her into both roles
  • Bring to her notice that children need the love and care of both parents and that it is non-negotiable and a dampener for the kids to deny them the fathers’ support
  • Guide both of you to bring spark back into your marriage
  • Teach the family to discipline itself into conscious parenting that keeps the welfare of the children at the forefront

I would urge you to go down this path before thoughts of separation etc.

The kids can grow up in a loving environment; why not strive for that first?

Wishing you the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 26, 2024Hindi
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I am married with a seven year old daughter. We have been married for eleven years our was an arranged marriage , and we did not have the best compatibility in early years of marriage. My wife had gone through a breakup just before marriage , she took some time to come out of it and I gave her that space. Things began to turn slowly after 2 years of marriage and finally we were blessed with a daughter on 2016 . Due to my job i had to stay apart from my family for nearly four years, during this time she felt very lonely and i tried to console her about our long distances but things did not work out. Gradually i came back to my native after 4 years and things began to slowly fall in place . All was going well but for the last three to four months she felt that all this time she has been mentally adjusting with me since we were not compatible and she wants to break this relationship. I still love her , but she is bent on filing divorce petition. We are separated for the past two months, please advice
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Obviously she never healed from the break-up and you came into her life only to live away that has not helped your marriage.

Right time to seek professional help. Do appeal to her that Divorce only causes a lot of turmoil especially when there is a child involved in the equation. Your wife needs someone to tell her that she has to act like a grown-up. Running away from a marriage and playing the past events isn't going to help and Divorce is only going to accentuate it. Now, if you say this to her, she will most likely call you a villain. So, ASAP go to a marriage therapist...give it a chance...A lot of marriages are saved through this process and your child does deserve a loving home and loving parents.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 29, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello AnuJi I am 42 and my wife is 40 and we have an 8 year old son. We have recently been staying separately since 3 months after a lot of tensions and my wife's emotional breakdown. Our relationship has been strained since beginning. Though am very loving, caring and devoted to my wife I have possessiveness issues. My wife has been sacrificing a lot on her own accord for our marriage but during her emotional breakdown we learnt the hard way that she was feeling suffocated in all this. She even hurt herself and that is the reason I am very careful in approaching her for reconciliation. My son is with me which gives me solace but I am worried he will miss out on mother's love and holistic development this way. I am unable to create a pathway between me and my wife because she is currently very caustic, bitter, insulting towards me and my family and not willing to hear my side of the story / talk peacefully / agree for counseling etc. I considered having the child stay with her but she has a terrible temper and history of beating the child, sometimes severely and hiding this from me till I found out. I later came to know my child is developing a sulking personality because of this but being a child he is naturally affectionate towards her mother (infact he developed an attitude that he deserves to be beaten and slapped - something he is coming out of gradually now he is with me). Infact parenting style mismatch and arguments was one of the reason of our split. At this moment I want to do whatever possible to bring the family together - short of feeling humiliated / not being heard / agreeing to child being beaten. My wife and me are well educated and even nature-wise she has good qualities as well. I just don't understand how we seemed to have ended up in this mess so abruptly. I do not know whether I should adopt a conventional attitude of saving the family, compromising etc or prioritise individual happiness and adopt a more liberal approach of staying separately even if child misses out on one of our day to day love and care.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's put things into perspective.
1. You and your wife are living separately due to a few challenges
2. Your son lives with you but you feel that the family living together is the best
3. Your wife resorts to punishing your son which is impacting him
4. Counseling is not an option

Which means that you have to step in as your own Counselor. Bringing the family together has to be your journey as your wife is not a part of it as yet. A lot of empathy, patience and the challenge of understanding your wife's emotional breakdown. Obviously, there's something going on deep within her that is making her resort to hurting herself which is cause for concern indeed. Tread carefully but firmly when you speak with your wife. Let her know your genuine intent of bringing the family back together and how much you would appreciate her support in all of this. Encourage her to start working as this will offer her some respite from caring for the family and also set her up professionally.
Give a patient ear to her complaints or outbursts (a very difficult thing for you to do).

What I have stated above is what works much better with a professional as you will have his/her guidance through the process. But give this a shot by yourself and see where it leads you to. Who knows, after a while, she might agree to see a professional...Give this a shot...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Archana

Archana Deshpande  |93 Answers  |Ask -

Image Coach, Soft Skills Trainer - Answered on Dec 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 11, 2024Hindi
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I am 35, MBA from a reputed college. I recently took over as senior project manager in a software company. Over the last few months, I’ve been asked to lead more high-stakes presentations, but every time I step in front of a group of senior professionals, my nerves take over. I can’t seem to communicate my ideas clearly, and I end up rambling or losing the audience. It’s frustrating because I know the content is strong, but I can’t deliver it with the confidence it needs. I’m starting to feel like this could affect my career growth if I don’t improve. I want to know how to seem more confident and present my ideas with clarity.
Ans: Hi!!

I can understand what you are going through.
I have helped many a people to become better communicators, presenters and public speakers. I agree with you when you say .. that these skills will augur well for your career growth.
What I can say is this .. that it is a learnable skill. Practice and more practice is the only way ahead. You said your content is strong, that is 50% of the job done, so build up on this confidence and practice your delivery in front of the mirror or in front of encouraging family/friends.
The only way to gain confidence is to "JUST DO IT"....to calm your nerves- deep breathing techniques and visualizations techniques will be useful.
I can help you on this journey of being a person who delivers with panache!

There are books by Dale Carnegie on public speaking which can help you out. Also read about Abe Lincoln and his journey of becoming a great orator, it can maybe help you.

Remember, PRACTICE AND PRACTICE is the key to unlock your confidence and become the person who delvers with panache.

All the best!!

...Read more

Archana

Archana Deshpande  |93 Answers  |Ask -

Image Coach, Soft Skills Trainer - Answered on Dec 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 13, 2024Hindi
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Career
Hello Ms Archana. I have been reading your advice and I really need your help. I am a science graduate from Mumbai. After a lot of thought, I have decided to pursue a side BSc in Psychology to further my interests and career growth. The issue is, that I’m struggling to juggle my 9-to-6 full-time job as a digital marketing specialist in Delhi along with my coursework, assignments, and exams. I am always stressed out, either falling behind at work or feeling overwhelmed by my studies. I know time management is key, but I’m not sure how to create a schedule that helps me stay productive without burning out. Can you please help?
Ans: Hey!!
Kudos to you for dreaming big and also working towards it by investing time and energy in learning and development.
Not everyone can do it... so pat yourself on the back for it!!

You are absolutely right when you say TIME MANAGEMANT is the key to avoid burnout. However I'll add compartmentalizing and self care along with time management.

Let's take them one at a time ...here I go-

1. You want to perform at your peak then self care is a must, 20 mins of physical activity(it can be anything, run, brisk walk, suryanamaskars, dancing along with fast paced music, anything that gets your heart beat up)
10 -20 mins of meditation, if you believe in the higher power make efforts to connect with it/him/her.
2. 9 to 6 be fully committed to the office, after that switch off, learn to say NO for anything that comes after this time. You can do only so much right? This was one part of compartmentalizing...
3. be fully present in whatever activity you are doing... this is ZEN, nothing more nothing less. This way you will be razor sharp in your focus and get jobs done faster. When you are studying don't think office and vice versa. This is switching off, this is compartmentalizing. This will take conscious efforts but is doable
4.your course is important to you, so schedule a study time and stick to it .The days you have an holiday too... try to relax a little, schedule a study time, finish your studies and go relax and unwind a little, you deserve it...don't cram too much in a day.
A relaxed mind will always perform better and focus better. I really can't tell you the importance of unwinding and mediation, you really have to do it to experience it and reap the benefits of it
5. Always encourage yourself, be your best cheer leader, don't beat yourself down, be kind to yourself too, your mind and body
need that from you. You are already doing so much.
6 .The only way to stop being overwhelmed is also to put out all your tasks of the day on paper and schedule it, prioritize it.... one task at a time, start taking action. And when the task is don't forget to strike the task out with a clean line over the task with a pen... this is a message your giving to your mind. ...'I got one task done, I am capable of getting another done'.. Ahaha... the joy of getting a job done!!
7. Get a good nights sleep, do "yog nidra' before sleeping
8. Always breathe deep whenever overwhelm creeps in and see how calm you become. A calm mind is key to getting more done.

And remember to write "your gratitude" out in the night before sleeping, you'll sleep peacefully and get up fresh.
Also do remember, all tasks can be done happily too... there is no need to drag yourself or be always overwhelmed!
You chose to work and study as well.... honour your choices joyously and go about life with a spring in your step...All best !!

...Read more

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