My boyfriend gets angry over very small things. Last time, I didn't respond to his call for 15 minutes and he kept calling to check what happened. Earlier, I thought it was out of concern, but even if I meet my friends without telling him, he gets upset. We fight over little, trivial things, and he would later say he didn’t mean it. I am scared to speak my mind. I don't know what will make him angry. How do I know if this is a toxic relationship? We know each other for 3 years now

Ans:

Dear PS,

What are you worried about? That by spending time away from you or not involving you when he is in a social setting, he might forget you or move away from you?

After 10 years, why do you feel the need to cling on to him in insecurity and anxiety?

Time to give yourself some love and attention?

Become your best friend and pamper yourself with a lot of care instead of constantly expecting it from your relationship?

The more you become safe and secure with yourself, the less you will cling onto your partner.

Clinging on and ‘owning’ another person will only make them move away from you as no one likes to be controlled and dictated to.

Instead, why don’t you ask him about his day and who he met up with and genuinely try and integrate into his life?

In this way, he will want to engage more with you and invite you when he is with his friends and family?

When you watch him interact with others, instead of feeling insecure and jealous, can you think of appreciating what he has brought into your life and why the two of you have been together for 10 years?

Also, involve him into your life and life’s journey.

Playing the victim involves a lot of drama, but playing a liberated person involves no effort.

So love yourself and love your partner for who he is.

The change in your relationship and your state of mind will be almost magical.

Enjoy the moment and be happy!

Ans: A- Dear Anonymous,

It is tricky to identify if your partner is toxic, or to recognize toxic traits but here are some behaviors that are considered toxic in most cases, but these too depend on the context.

• Jealousy- If your partner seems jealous every time you speak to the opposite sex or even of your success, it is ideally considered a toxic trait.
• Controlling- Trying to control how you carry yourself, whom you meet or even your social circle is a clear red flag. In every possible scenario, this is toxic.
• Keeping score- Yesterday you fought, so today your partner feels they are entitled to start a fight, or last week they sorted a fight so this week you should or the ball is in their court. If this is how your partner handles every situation and brings in a sense of competition in your relationship, it can be easily defined as an unhealthy relationship.
• Drama- Does your partner thrive on drama? No amount of love is worth it.
• Cheating- It goes without saying that cheating is a red flag. Not only if your partner has been physically involved with someone else but also if they are building a romantic emotional connection with someone.
• Trust issues- It can happen to the best of us, but if someone is suffering from trust issues, the onus is on them to sort it out instead of doubting their partner's every move.

If your partner exhibits one or all of these traits, it is best you have a clear discussion and point out the habits that are bothering you. But remember, some of these can be harmless based on the situation.

Best Wishes.

Ans: I am scared to speak my mind. you said this. This will end up becoming a relationship you will not wish to be in.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you are scared to speak your mind out, then you are obviously in a relationship that is suffocating you...It can be toxic at few and many levels. Evaluate what this relationship is giving you that you are still in it; the moment you know that moving out might offer you your freedom and space to breathe, you may start to think differently about your boyfriend and the relationship.
Look to yourself for answers; as Gurus, we will not be able to make decisions for you.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/