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Should I marry a man who prioritizes his brother over our future?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |433 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 16, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 15, 2024Hindi
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My boyfriend,aged 34 has an older brother who has 2 daughters and wife .My bf parents are no more. My BF wants to marry me but he has no saving ,no mutual funds and no property. When I ask my BF to start concentrating on his own life instead of helping him financially,he gets irritated. His elder brother is deals in visa business,but he didn't helped my BF for thesame.My BF is very bothered and wanted to contribute for his brother's kid and future,funds and education,but I haven't felt same excitement when discussing future with me. I am very confused,I love him but I want him to focus on himself and his future financially.I can sense something awkward in his family relations but if I get married I don't want all of this message. We have communicated on the same but he gets hurts everytime . What should I do

Ans: You're in a tough spot where your boyfriend's focus on supporting his brother's family is overshadowing his attention to your future together. It seems like he feels responsible for his brother’s kids, especially since their parents are no longer around, but this comes at the expense of his own financial planning and goals with you. While it's admirable that he wants to help, it’s essential for him to also prioritize the future you're trying to build together.

The fact that he gets irritated when you bring this up may suggest guilt or a deeper emotional attachment to his brother's family. However, a successful partnership requires shared goals, including financial stability. If he continues to avoid conversations about your future and gets hurt without making changes, this could point to deeper compatibility issues.

You’ve voiced your concerns, and it’s important to be clear about your needs and expectations. If he’s unwilling to focus on your shared future, you might need to question how committed he is to building a life with you. It’s essential that both of you are on the same page before moving forward, or this dynamic could lead to more tension down the road. Trust your instincts, and don’t hesitate to reconsider the relationship if your needs aren't being met.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1379 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 12, 2023

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Me(20 year) and my boyfriend(23 year) were in serious relationship about 2 years now. I am a student persuing my bachelor's in computer science in other hand my bf is working in his father's company which is a average company with less amount of profit . He completed diploma in mechanic and now earning 35K per month. Before starting of relationship i told him about that I have an idea about settling in abroad country and that's my dream. At that time he said ok we can both work together to achieve that. Years passed in Feb 2023 his mom decided to buy a villa worth of 60L ( which is not at all necessary now ). Here comes the problem they were planned to buy 60L villa by housing EMI( *EMI is paid for 20 years*) . He and his mom who's gonna be paying the EMI ( *his father is not willing to pay the debt*). And also he is spending 7k for petrol for his bike. Till now he has no savings. I don't want to start my life with debt. And also even if I got abroad job offer, he is not willing to move with me in abroad. Now he's saying that I should wait 10 years for him to develope the company. But i don't have that much time. I don't know what to do 😔😔?
Ans: Dear Aarya,
Time moves and so do people move along with the situations that they face.
Yes, you had both decided life in a particular way; but now it has suddenly shifted to something else. Why they want the Villa with so much of debt mounting, is their decision!
But you can certainly decide if you want to start your life with that debt, repay it along with them, give up on your dreams of living abroad? You can decide it NOW. Your decision will determine your life's path. So choose and decide very wisely.
You have a job offer on hand; so is it going to be life with your boyfriend in debt or starting life afresh on your own terms. Weigh the pros and cons of both and choose wisely.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1379 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 25, 2024Hindi
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Hi Ma'am, I am 32 years old woman and I have a boyfriend who is 29 years old. We met last year and in few months we fell in love. We have been in relationship since March 2024 and we work in same organization. We quickly knew that we must get married we belong to different languages he being a south Indian while I am a Maharashtrian. My family is quite well off while his family is from lower middle class. Financially he has his own house which is under construction and he will get possession by next year end. Also he has his own car so he is paying 2 EMIs for Home loan and car loan wherein I don't have any liabilities. He is very much independent however due to all the expenses he is currently saving money and thus want to get married next year by April. We both have spoken with out parents and his side of the family is completely ok while my mother and brother are against this. My mother has asked me to leave home at the earliest and get married to him without involving them. There was lot lf verbal abuse and name calling which I have heard multiple times. We both are working and earing well however he is adamant to get married in April as he wants to save some money before getting married as he doesn't want to take my help since my mother has quoted that he is marrying me for my good background. She has refused to meet his parents or let them see our house. My father has supporter me as he wants me to get married. My elder brother is 34 years unmarried engineer and he is also not supportive who first met and said that my boyfriend is not so fair looking, then said he is not of our status. Currently I am staying in my brothers flat so he has asked me to vacant it asap and get married maximum by December. It is not possible for me to get married by December as my boyfriend is not ready for that. So I will have to go on rent for next few months untill April. I have done nothing wrong as per me because I have returned my parents all the money they have spent on me well in advance. Also I have good investments done apart from buying a house. I cook for myself and cook for my family whenever they ask me. I have been truthful about my relationship with my parents from beginning and told them everything but unable to understand why they are unable to accept this? I feel my brother is in denial and putting things in my mothers mind due to which she is against this marriage.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
People play games all the time and your family members are no different. But what's the point trying to assume that this or that must be the reason. So, ask! Surely, there's some good reason why they are so against it...ASK and CLARIFY rather than ASSUME...
They may go all over the place and the truth will be disguised in some form which will seem very trivial and silly to the outside world.
Yes, you can move out and stay by yourself but proving a point like this may alienate your family even further. They may blame your boyfriend for this drastic step that you take. Reason out with them and you will find a lot of emotions coming your way; don't resist any of them but accept them for what it is for the moment. Soon, with all their rants, you will find a solid reason that will be possibly age gap or fear of losing you or their beliefs around love marriages or fear of losing face to the society and so on...
This is what you will need to address...problems come out as emotions, but digging deep, you will figure it out...so put in some work, ask them some time and also ask your boyfriend to step in and do his bit...after all, they will be accepting him as well, right?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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