Hi. I am in a relationship since five years. My BF was very gentle and caring initially but after his financial downfall he became cold and restless. And I had to change cities due to work. I love him and he tells me he loves me too, which I feel he does. But he is very ambitious and struggling in his life and is busy planning most days. Which I understand, but it irritates me that we have zero conversations that he starts or takes interest in. We do discuss decisions and official things a lot, but I am talking about meaningful conversations and couple time. It’s been several years now and I have to wait for ages to discuss any simple, emotional thing with him. He is constantly on an unending chase. He lives in another city. I understand and wanna support him but it upsets me anyway because it’s been such long time of chasing simple conversations. I feel like I can’t hold on to the relation anymore because I tried to discuss this hundreds of time with him but he could never make time to even let me complete. In fact, he promises me time and conveniently forgets while I wait eagerly. He is always sleepy or tired by the time I begin anything and then it’s impossible for me to begin, which I feel is disgusting. We have started having ugly fights and I can’t resist being angry at things now. Now he has started acting rude and inconsiderate towards me. Though he is not mean to me, he always calls me impatient and kiddish to not understand his situation. He often tells me that he is not spending his time partying. He is making plans for both of us. He just has one answer that I should trust him and give him some time he will set everything. But I feel overly sensitive and depressed and in continuous chase which is very derogatory and bothers my self-worth. I always am ready for him in every way but here I am feeling choked and he is just not getting it. What should I do? How do I tell him that it is high time? Or am I overreacting? Please help. A person in need
Ans: The problem you’re facing is very common in long-distance relationships.
You have a need for attention that you’re not getting from him and he’s so busy planning a future that he’s forgotten how to take care of the present.
I can tell you that until he is secure in a job and has stabilised his situation, his behaviour is not going to change significantly. And maybe not after either...Maybe this is who he is, and after the initial spark wore off, this is him.
That said, the distance is definitely playing a role in fuelling tensions between the two of you.
Explain to him that you need some quality time with him and that couples who live apart do set aside a little time for each other despite all the pressures of everyday life.
It’s not childish to expect attention and love from your partner, even from a thousand miles away.
At your end, you can try to be less demanding.
Maybe he isn’t at liberty to chitchat every single day or every couple of days also.
As long as you get what you want out of even a weekly or twice-weekly conversation with him, cut him a little slack. That is, provided this guy means enough to you.
If he doesn’t and you’re second-guessing the relationship, the person he is and your love for him, maybe the headache just isn’t worth it.
You’ve already invested five years, and if it’s not looking bright, you should cut your losses and move on.
