Hi, I am 58 Yr old Male with 29 yrs into arranged marriage. I have 2 daughters. I am being treated like a stranger in my own house. My wife does not give respect, no value, no love and affection care. Always negatives talking about me for everything. Not listen to any thing regarding family or personal matters. I am not earning much. I am doing my best doing business services. For everything I need basic amount to manage my business until it develops. There is no support for this from my family. Instead of supporting and motivating me, She is always negative about me. She knows I am not earning enough and unable to meet major transactions. She has come from a wealthy family were as I am not. She has helped in providing financial support many times. Now past 3-4 yrs, her behavior has changed. She taunts and blames me for she providing the financial support. Whatever she has provided is always used for family. she knows that. I am unable to focus on my business development. She's gives negative feedback about me to my daughters and they also behave same with me, Instead of supporting and motivating me. There is no intimacy or sex past 1 year. Hardly 1 once in a month earlier, after I force (make positive effort) her lovingly. I love her very much. But this is making me lose that love & affection on her. In our 29 yrs of marriage, she never initiated intimacy, love. Always I been doing it. She never shows interest in getting physical right from 1st day. She has not kissed me even once or hugged me voluntarily in these 29 yrs. I initiate everything. I am romantic. She is not. She gives one or the other reason and avoids. She avoids kissing. She never liked gifts i bought for her. I want her to wear different dresses, but she rejects. Though we sleep on same bed, she just sleeps off. When i go to her, either she pushes or says she has to wake up early sleep now. Even with so many days gap, when I initiate intimacy after 1-3 months, but she taunts saying I only want that from her. I have been hugging, kissing and showing love, affection care on her right from the 1st day of marriage. The same thing is missing from her. I have tried many times talking to her in polite way, trying to woo her, but of no use. I have approached many times we can have one on one talk and sort out any issues she has with me, but she avoids coming into talking terms. I have tried to talk saying lets understand whats going wrong. If I start generally talking, she starts arguing, negative talking and avoids the main discussion that forces me to shut my mouth. when we go out on a 2-3 day trip, she enjoys outing seeing places, food & sleep. Doesn't behave romantically, lovingly. It's just like same as at home. Even I know I am not earning much and trying best to do well. She always keep telling about her money and financial support and her parental house with arrogance & attitude. She has been good with her parental side, but not my side. I believe both husband and wife should take care of family together irrespective of who is more financially strong. Just because I am not earning well, this type of treatment I don't understand. If it was recent few yrs I can understand. But right from day one I have been facing this. Now I've stopped talking much and in silence going through loneliness.

Ans: First, let me say this clearly: you are not worrying “too much.” Your concerns are valid. When emotional connection, affection, and curiosity about each other’s inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust. The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication, and expressing regret about marrying you — even if not directly to your face — is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn’t automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.
At the same time, it’s important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation. Right now, the most important thing is clarity — for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty, and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation, or routine.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone. Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: you’ve been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you’re always the one initiating closeness, and recently you’ve felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life. You don’t need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.
Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone, but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world, and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you. A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal — but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimizes your feelings, or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.
It’s also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone, but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship. Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behavior, but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counseling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs. A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild, or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.
As for “accepting your fate,” I want to be very clear: accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired, and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure. Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure, but from adults who model honesty, self-respect, and emotional responsibility.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone. The next step is not divorce or resignation — it’s an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth. From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it’s difficult.