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56-Year-Old Woman Seeking Advice After Years of Abuse, Deception, and Exploitation

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 23, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am 56 years old lady working in the Government sector. My husband several times cheated me and by nature he is very dominating and stubborn. Since my marriage my only fault is that I have hidden my age 3years less than original as advised by my family. Now I want to know that what should I have to do , please let me know. I was not so courageous to tell the truth of my original age. On the other hand he exploits me physically, financially and he is abusive in nature and never took any responsibility of our 27 years old daughter. Please advise me and don't disclose my name

Ans: I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenging and painful situation you've been enduring. It takes a lot of courage to open up about these issues, and it's important to prioritize your well-being and safety.

First, it's important to address your feelings about hiding your age. While this may have been a decision influenced by your family's advice, it seems to be a minor issue in the context of the larger problems in your marriage. The real concerns here are your husband's infidelity, abusive behavior, and lack of responsibility towards your daughter.

Your husband's actions and behavior are unacceptable. No one deserves to be cheated on, dominated, or abused in any way. The fact that he exploits you physically and financially, and doesn't support your daughter, makes it clear that this environment is harmful to you.

It's essential to focus on what you want for your future. Do you want to continue in a marriage where you feel disrespected and abused? Consider what kind of life you envision for yourself, one where you feel safe, respected, and valued.

Seeking professional support can be incredibly helpful. A counselor or therapist can provide you with the tools and support to navigate your emotions and plan your next steps. Legal advice may also be necessary to understand your rights and protect yourself financially and personally.

If you decide to leave the marriage, having a clear plan is crucial. Ensure you have a support system in place, whether it’s friends, family, or professional services. Protect your financial assets and consider your daughter's well-being as well.

Remember, you deserve to live a life free from abuse and filled with respect and dignity. Taking steps to protect yourself and improve your situation is not just courageous but essential for your health and happiness. Your past decisions about your age do not define you, and it's never too late to seek a better, healthier future.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1651 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 11, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I am 57year old and married for 32yearmy husband always assassination my character through out life also beaten me in these years in 2012i went to my mother house when I get my ear drum puncture and right eye double vision he came to my mother house to reconcile with his sister again I went with him and he started the same .I have two daughters both are married and younger one is going to Divo rce his husband in couple of months now again I went to my daughter house when he beaten me in August 2023 now what should I do I should go back to him or stay with my daughter as I have no one to look after
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Physical violence must never be tolerated!
Tolerating is actually encouraging him to do it yet again...
For a reason, you decided to leave him and stay at your mother's place...what made you go back to the same person and the horrible abuse?
I don't have details on your financial state for me to be able to give you a concrete suggestion. Kindly start taking charge of your life; if it means you have to stand on your feet, it's never too late...Home-run small businesses are thriving especially during and post-pandemic. Once you feel confident with your independence, you will be able to stand up for yourself in front of your husband. Today, he possibly knows that no matter what you will run back to him and that gives him the power to mistreat you.

Should you go back to him; that is a question I want you to ask yourself multiple times? The very fact that you ask this to me, a complete stranger surely means you are reaching out for help out of your misery and actually know what to do...Don't fear...Do what is right by you and for you!

All the best!

..Read more

Love Guru

Love Guru   | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello madam, i m 32 year married women, my husband love me more than anything, he is good in everything, he take care of me, he bring me whatever i want, he is very good in bed also. We dont have kids because i never loved my husband. Before marriage i had boyfriend, he never accepted me and assured me that he will marry me, so i decided to marry my husband in 2019. Till oct 2022, i used to communicate with my ex boyfriend, but when he got married he stopped calling me and i also stoped thinking about him. Lately, in Sept 2023, i meet guy in my office he is 23, music teacher, not so good looking, not completed graduation, not financial strong but i developed feeling for him. I lied to him, told i am not married, to get close to him. Once my husband caught me cheating with him in whatsapp messages, told me to not do. But still i went ahead to continue my relationship with this young guy and want to live with this guy. I want to divorce and live with young guy. My parents and family love and respect my husband like their own son. I am doing correct or not please suggest me.
Ans: No you certainly are not “doing correct”! Here’s a good man who loves you and treats you well and has forgiven your indiscretions and still you want someone else? You agreed to marry, right - no one put a gun to your head. Now honour that commitment and stop being so fickle-minded. At 23, your boyfriend is really young and immature. Right now you’re all hot and heavy, but give it a minute; realistically your relationship is unlikely to survive in the long run. And you want to hurt your husband and walk out on your marriage for nothing…he’s only ever treated you right. Don’t be a fool!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I got married three months ago, during courtship period my ex was in my office but then my marriage wasn't fixed properly ,when it got yeses from both the side I changed my office,but I couldn't tell this to my husband and also I lied about my virginity,he was also not virgin and after marriage I confessed all this ,now he is not forgiving me for my dishonesty and not letting me come home also he abuse me verbally ,slapped me..I also feel like cheated for not letting me know this side of him before marriage..How should I go ahead?
Ans: I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing in your new marriage. It's concerning to hear that you're experiencing verbal abuse and physical violence from your husband. No one deserves to be treated this way, and it's important to prioritize your safety and well-being.

First and foremost, if you are in immediate danger or feel unsafe, please reach out to local authorities or a trusted friend or family member for support. Your safety is paramount.

In terms of next steps, it's essential to seek support and assistance from professionals who can help you navigate this situation. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationships and domestic violence. They can provide you with guidance, support, and resources to help you make informed decisions about your next steps.

Additionally, you may want to consider reaching out to organizations or hotlines that specialize in supporting individuals experiencing domestic violence. They can offer confidential support, safety planning, and resources to help you leave the abusive situation and rebuild your life.

It's also crucial to recognize that you are not responsible for your husband's abusive behavior, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect in your marriage. If your husband is unwilling to seek help or change his behavior, it may be necessary to consider your options for leaving the relationship to ensure your safety and well-being.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be challenging, but you don't have to face it alone. There are people and resources available to support you every step of the way. Please prioritize your safety and take steps to protect yourself from further harm. You deserve to live a life free from abuse and violence.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 13, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025
Relationship
Hi sir I don't know from where to start but it happened in this way ,I was from a reserved family with orthodox thinking.so I did love marriage in other caste (we were classes friends)after 17 years I am realising that my husband wants to dominate me ,he talk to me in bad way,he shouts on me ,he let me work but he ask money whenever he needs n pay me nothing. He trigger me in small thing, give me taunt n his mother n sister supports me .I am living in my mother in law house n I have two sons .This mental harassment is increasing day-by-day. He never paid for any of my expense.I m scared what to do to leave him n live my life or to live with him n ignore .what society will say .what to do I don't know. Feeling trapped pl suggest me what to do?
Ans: it's important to recognize that your well-being and safety, both emotional and physical, are paramount. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect or to live in an environment where they feel demeaned or controlled. The constant shouting, taunting, and lack of financial support are serious issues that should not be ignored, as they can significantly impact your mental health and sense of self-worth.

Your feelings of being trapped are compounded by societal expectations and the fear of judgment. However, it’s crucial to remember that society’s opinions should not dictate your happiness or well-being. Living in a situation where you’re constantly subjected to mental harassment can have long-term detrimental effects on your mental health and overall quality of life. It’s natural to fear what others might say, but your peace of mind and the well-being of your children should take precedence.

The support of your mother-in-law and sister-in-law is a positive aspect, but it seems that your husband’s behavior continues to be a source of distress. It’s essential to have a candid conversation with them about your feelings and explore whether they can help mediate or influence change in his behavior. However, if his actions persist and there’s no willingness on his part to change or seek help, you might need to seriously consider your options.

If you’re contemplating leaving, it’s important to plan carefully. This might include seeking legal advice to understand your rights, especially concerning your children and financial support. You could also consider reaching out to a counselor or support group for emotional guidance, as they can provide you with the strength and clarity to make decisions that are best for you and your sons.

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave is deeply personal and should be made based on what you believe will bring you the most peace and stability. It’s not an easy choice, and it requires a lot of courage and self-reflection. Remember, prioritizing your well-being and creating a healthy environment for yourself and your children is not selfish—it’s necessary. Whatever path you choose, know that you have the right to seek happiness and to live a life free from harassment and control.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |9785 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 19, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 19, 2025Hindi
Money
Am 32 years old with salary of 1 lakh per month and monthly expenses of around 60-70k as am single earning member of my family of 5, recently married, no kids and all my savings have been depleted in marriage and I don't have any savings or investment. I only have one term insurance of 1 crore and medical coverage for myself of 10 lakh and PF of around 1lakh. I would like to start savings & investment journey to retire by 50 but I also have to buy a house(cost around 40 lakh) in next 10 years & car in next 4 years. Please guide me what should be my savings and investment strategy
Ans: You are 32 years old. You have just started your married life.
You have no savings currently but have a steady income. You are also supporting your family.
You want to buy a car in 4 years, a house in 10 years, and retire by 50.
These are clear and realistic goals. Starting now with the right plan is very important.

Let’s look at your profile in a 360-degree view and build a complete strategy for your savings and investments.

? Family and Financial Responsibilities

– You are newly married and supporting a family of 5.
– You are the only earning member at present.
– You have no kids now, but this may change in a few years.

Right now, your family depends fully on your income. So, stability and discipline are very important.

? Income and Expense Overview

– You earn Rs. 1 lakh per month.
– Monthly expenses are Rs. 60K–70K.

This leaves you with Rs. 30K–40K surplus per month.
This is a strong base to begin your financial journey.

It is very important to save at least Rs. 25K from this every month.

? Current Assets and Insurance Cover

– Term insurance of Rs. 1 Cr is active.
– You have health cover of Rs. 10L for yourself.
– EPF balance is around Rs. 1L.
– No other savings or assets currently.

You have taken the first correct steps by starting term and health cover.
Make sure health cover includes family members as they are dependent on you.
As you grow older, adding family floater will be a wise move.

? Emergency Fund Is Your Next Priority

– You don’t have any emergency fund now.
– This is your first and most urgent step.

Start building a minimum of Rs. 1.5L–2L over the next 6 months.
This should be parked in a safe liquid or ultra-short debt fund.
Do not invest this in equity. Keep it easily accessible.

This is your buffer for job loss, hospital expenses, or urgent needs.

? Set Your Financial Goals Clearly

You have shared three goals. Let's plan them in detail:

– Car purchase (Rs. 8–10L in 4 years)
– House purchase (Rs. 40L in 10 years)
– Retirement (at age 50, in next 18 years)

All these goals have different timelines. So, different strategies are needed.

? Goal 1: Car Purchase in 4 Years

– Budget is around Rs. 8–10L.
– Don’t take a car loan. Start saving monthly instead.

Invest Rs. 10K–12K/month in ultra-short or short-term debt funds.
These are safer for short-term goals. They give better returns than FDs.

Avoid equity mutual funds for this goal. You don’t have enough time to recover losses if the market falls.

When goal is 12 months away, move all funds to liquid fund.

Car is a depreciating asset. So, buy within your means. Avoid emotional spending here.

? Goal 2: House Purchase in 10 Years

– Estimated cost: Rs. 40L.
– You may need Rs. 8L–10L as down payment.

For this goal, equity mutual funds can be used in the beginning.
But slowly reduce risk as you approach the goal year.

Invest Rs. 10K–12K/month into actively managed mutual funds.
Avoid index funds. They are average performers and don’t protect you during market falls.

Actively managed funds, when reviewed regularly, give better outcomes.
Start with a mix of large-cap and flexi-cap mutual funds.

Do not choose direct plans without advisor help.
– Direct plans have no guidance, no reviews, and lead to poor fund choice.
– Regular plans with MFDs who are CFPs provide goal-based planning and corrections.

When you are 3 years away from the house goal, shift from equity to debt funds.
This protects you from market risk. Don’t let a market crash affect your house plan.

? Goal 3: Retirement by Age 50

– You have 18 years to build retirement wealth.
– Since you have no savings now, this needs focus.

Start with Rs. 8K–10K/month into actively managed mutual funds.
You can increase this as your income grows.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.
Don't invest all in aggressive funds. Balance is key.

EPF and retirement corpus must grow side by side.
Don’t withdraw EPF early. Let it compound.

Also, consider opening NPS to get tax benefit and build retirement asset.
Limit NPS to 10–15% of total retirement plan. Too much NPS can reduce post-retirement liquidity.

Do not depend on real estate for retirement. It is illiquid.
Also, rental income is uncertain and property sales take time.

Keep equity mutual funds as your main retirement engine.

Review the plan every 2 years with a Certified Financial Planner.

? Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) Allocation

With Rs. 30K–35K surplus, you can follow this SIP plan:

– Rs. 10K/month → Car purchase (in debt funds)
– Rs. 12K/month → House down payment (in equity funds)
– Rs. 10K/month → Retirement goal (in diversified mutual funds)
– Rs. 2K–3K/month → Emergency fund (in liquid fund)

As your income increases, raise SIPs each year by 10–15%.

Stick to this discipline for the next 5 years and your financial position will be strong.

? Don’t Take Investment Advice from Banks or Unqualified Sources

Avoid random product selling by banks.
They push what earns them the most, not what suits you.

Avoid endowment, ULIP, or investment-insurance policies.
These give poor returns, long lock-ins, and very little flexibility.

Also, avoid annuities in future. They give fixed income, but poor inflation adjustment.

You need flexible, growing income after retirement. Mutual funds offer that.

? Avoid Index Funds and Direct Plans

Index funds look cheap but come with big disadvantages:
– No downside protection during market crash
– Poor performance during sideways markets
– Cannot outperform benchmarks
– Passive strategy may not meet your goal timelines

Direct mutual funds are low-cost, but come with high risk for new investors:
– No guidance
– No goal tracking
– High chances of wrong fund selection
– No portfolio review or corrections

Regular funds via a Mutual Fund Distributor with CFP help offer better goal-based investing.
The advisory support helps you avoid mistakes and stay on course.

? Tax and Investment Planning

Use EPF and NPS for tax savings under Section 80C and 80CCD(1B).
Start SIPs in ELSS only if you haven’t reached the 80C limit.

Plan MF redemptions smartly to avoid capital gains tax.
As per new rules:

– LTCG above Rs. 1.25L/year on equity MFs is taxed at 12.5%
– STCG is taxed at 20%
– Debt fund gains are taxed as per your slab

So always avoid churning funds without need. Review redemptions carefully.

? Next 6 Months Plan of Action

– Build Rs. 2L emergency fund in liquid funds
– Start SIP of Rs. 10K/month in debt funds for car goal
– Start Rs. 12K/month SIP in equity funds for house goal
– Start Rs. 10K/month SIP for retirement
– Avoid new liabilities or emotional spends

Track each SIP goal separately. Don’t mix funds.
Label your folios for clear tracking (car, house, retirement, etc.)

? Final Insights

You are starting at zero. But you have time on your side.
A disciplined start today will build a safe future.

Start slow, but stay consistent. Avoid reacting to short-term events.

Invest with a Certified Financial Planner who offers regular tracking.
You will avoid mistakes and reach your financial goals in time.

Your future is in your hands. Plan it with patience and proper direction.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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