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Married man in love with another married woman: Can trust be restored after repeated infidelity?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |644 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 20, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
SPPL Question by SPPL on Mar 20, 2025Hindi
Relationship

Hi , I am 42 year married man in love with 37 yr old married girl , her husband is not a good man in every accepts and my wife is same we are with our partners due to children, Our relationship is 14 year old. We lived in different cities which are 6 hour run away from each other , We often meet 2 to 3 times in a month. Before relation with me she was in love another guy (Before marriage) and this was continued after marriage too. After 1 year of marriage her boy friend passes away in an accident and then Then I enter in her life , Now I come to the point from last 2 year due to some differences and due to corona effect we could not meet and our telephonic conversation was very minimum even once in 10 days and due to some financial problems she started a Job in a school , There she meet with a guy and they become closer and physical too and that guy was in relation with another girl too. After 3-4 month I doubt that she is talking with someone else So I asked her directly that question but she denied, By the time we again start meeting frequently Then After more 3-4 months she accepted that she is in relation with another guy, She told me that he looks like his Ex-boyfriend that why she attracted towards him. She give him 35 K Rs , Then I told her that Why she did not tell me that before ?? She reply that she was in trap of that guy because he is in the same school in which she was a teacher. She left that school then she get a courage to told me that all things. She cry a lot an apologizes many times then I told her we can continue if she never talk with him. She agreed after another 3-4 months later she expose another truth that she is in touch with him through Google chat but she never meet him neither she talk him about past on phone , she told me that she only talk with with him to know his well being only. She told me that one day that guy offer him to again physical and after that she started hating him and stop talking him. Now She is teaching in another school and that boy in other school , When ever she shaw him on Road she tells me about that . Now she asking me that if I caught her again cheating then I can do whatever I want. I love her so much and She loves me too Even we remain in touch on phone 10-12 hr in a day. Now my Question is that Can I believe her again ?? That she will not get in touch that boy in future ?? Should I continue this relation ??

Ans: Dear SPPL
Both of you are in an extra-marital relationship while staying with your respective spouses for the sake of your children. This adds complexity because, beyond trust issues between you and her, there’s the underlying emotional weight of being tied to marriages that neither of you seems emotionally invested in anymore.

Your relationship with her has lasted for 14 years, which shows that there’s a deep emotional bond between you. But the fact that you’re both staying in unhappy marriages out of responsibility to your children means that there’s always going to be a limit to how much emotional and physical freedom you both have in this relationship. That creates emotional pressure because even if you love each other deeply, you’re still navigating within the confines of your separate family lives.

Her getting involved with another man during this time reflects not just on her emotional state but also on the emotional limitations of your relationship. Being in an extra-marital affair means that neither of you can fully give yourselves to each other because of the realities of your existing family commitments. She might have sought comfort or distraction in someone else because the emotional fulfillment she gets from you isn’t enough to bridge the gap created by her marriage and life circumstances.

The fact that she confessed and apologized after initially denying it suggests that she feels guilty and wants to rebuild trust with you. But the emotional vulnerability created by this betrayal will make it hard for you to trust her completely, especially since your relationship already exists in a morally complicated space. Staying with your respective spouses for the children means that your emotional connection with each other will always have to exist in the shadows, which makes it more vulnerable to external distractions and temptations.

The big question here is whether you can genuinely move past the betrayal and continue to trust her despite the complexity of your situation. Love is present, but love alone isn’t always enough when trust is broken—especially in a relationship that already carries emotional and moral complications. If you feel that you can forgive her and she remains consistent in her actions, the relationship might survive. But if this betrayal has planted a seed of doubt that you can’t shake, it could slowly erode the emotional foundation you’ve built over the years.

You also need to consider whether this pattern will repeat itself. Since both of you are married and emotionally unavailable to each other in a fully committed way, emotional gaps might emerge again, and similar situations could arise. You need to have an honest conversation with her about whether you both have the emotional strength to maintain this connection long-term under these circumstances. If you can rebuild trust and stay emotionally strong despite the limitations of your married lives, then you might be able to continue. But if you feel like this betrayal has permanently altered the emotional safety you once felt with her, stepping back to protect your emotional health might be the better choice.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1729 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 26, 2023

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Relationship
Hi Anu Myself 38 Male, Government Employee and married. I married to a girl in 2013 as per chosen by my parents. Prior to marriage, I was in relationship of 6 years, but could not marry due to caste differences. Its a bit long story. In last december 2021, a women, 9.5 years elder to me, initiated relationship and proposed me. After few initial days, her husband expired, who was 60 years at the time of death. After her proposal, I accepted it, although, she was in another relationship with a man of 27 years continuously, on the pretext that her husband used to drink, and do not use to work and often used to cast her away from home and that man took care of her and her children. When she entered in my life, I inquired about that and she told me that that man is just friend now, as that man took care of her and her children. One strange thing that came into my mind that women told me that man left her as he got involved in another women and that man is only for doing household and outside chores, and nothing else. How come a person remain in relationship obviously being aware of other partner infidelity. One particular strange I like to share with you that when I met her for first time at her home, as there was no body else, she was with her female friend and that man came to her house, around 10 pm. When she got to know that that man is coming, she hurriedly asked me to leave the house for some 1 and half hours and then come back as she told me that her uncle is coming to pay a visit. I came to know about that man around 10 february, 2021. I totally relied on her conversation that he is only acquaintances now and no more a lover and she totally loves me. After that, she loved me a lot, had physical relationship and she told me that she wanted to live the rest of her life with me. Seeing her love, I also accepted her fully and totally. That other man remained in her life, apart from husband, for the last 27 years. But she used to say ill about him, like he looted her money, got involved with other women, despite her. That used to make me very sceptic thinking that she must be having feeling for him, as together for 27 years is very long time. But her problem is that she is too sceptic a person. she cannot tolerate a name of any women from my lips, let alone my sister. She used to doubt my concern towards her daughter as her daughter is younger to her and I might fall for her daughter. I clearly told her that your daughter is like my daughter. Recently, she started to doubt about my sister in law. I took the oath of all the Gods and my children, but she brushed aside all my Oaths. This was going on from 28 May to 27 June, 2023. She levelled all the filthy allegation that I was having the sight on her daughter and on my sister in law. I also came in rage. She was in the mode of character assassination and I did not take that lightly. I expressed all my displeasure and anger on her and finally, on 27 June, 2023, I blocked her from whatsapp and phone. She is kind of person who would show off about her materialistic things, her status, but in reality, in her bad times, when she was not having any money, I took care of her, her ration and money problems. But being sceptic about relationship with my sister in law, who is just 22 and I call her beta, she was adamant in proving that I was having relationship with my sister in law. She was such a possessive person that she even cannot tolerate my wife with me. She called on my wife phone saying that she is talking from Bank etc. But now, my wife is almost certain that I am having affair. I relied on her thinking that i should give life a second change. But now, I am regretting in relying on that women words. I have blocked her, but she is not trying to contact me from other phones. Help..
Ans: Dear Harish,
You seem to be running after a woman who either cheats or lies or both. From what you have described this lady wants it all from you but will be who she is and not change.
Doesn't all this look like a red flag to you? What more should she do for you to know that she is unsure about herself and you as well?

And because of all this drama, you don't have the time, energy and inclination to give your marriage a fair chance. Why should your wife be at the receiving end of all this drama? Does she not have the right to know and also have the option of deciding if she wants to continue in the marriage or not?

It's time you re-evaluate your life and PAUSE. Take a wise decision that is good for you and your life in the long-term. Riding on emotions mindlessly only means anyone can take advantage of your vulnerabilities and 'use' you which obviously will not feel good at all. So, be wise...

All the best!

..Read more

Latest Questions
Naveenn

Naveenn Kummar  |228 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF, Insurance Expert - Answered on Nov 10, 2025

Money
Hi, I'm 49 married with 2 kids aged 16 and 11. I work in mid mgmt in a Finance co. Wife is 45 works at a Bank. Combined annual salary is 80 lakhs. Live in a home which just got loan free. Have a rental income of 40k monthly that my wife gets. Mom also lives with us and she gets a rental income of 45k per month. I have invested in a small office space which will be ready by mid 2027 and has a construction linked plan, have to pay 40L more. I Have stocks of 45L and EPF of 60L PPF of 12 L. Have ancestral property in land at native place not much but say 25L. Mom has pledged 50% of her assets to my sister. Liability of office and company car is 6L. School fees and tution fees are paid from rental income and wife chips in. There's maintenance, club membership fees, insurance, repairs and maintenance, kids pocket money, groceries, internet, mobile, maids etc. which I pay. I'm thinking of quitting my job and starting something on my own. I am a guest lecturer at a college which is pro bono and also helping 2 Startups of friends over weekend with a tiny equity stake in one. Is it a right decision? Pressure at work is high, growth chances are minimum. Many colleagues asked to go. The environment isn't very encouraging. Pls advise if I'm ok financially with about 45 lakhs liability. Never got a chance to save as EMIs were 75% of income. I'm unable to get a direction.
Ans: You are 49, with a stable dual-income family, home loan cleared, and some investments in place. You feel stagnated in your job and want to start something of your own. It’s a natural and valid thought at this life stage — but the decision needs to be planned, not impulsive.

At present, your financial base is decent but not fully liquid. You still have about ?45 lakh in liabilities, upcoming education costs for your children, and limited cash reserves. Your wife’s job and rental income can sustain household expenses, but not much beyond that.

The wise move is to continue your job while you explore your business or investment idea part-time. Use the next 18–24 months to:

Clear pending loans, especially the office property.

Build a minimum ?20–25 lakh emergency corpus.

Fund your children’s education separately.

Test and refine your business idea alongside your job.

Before quitting, also discuss openly with your spouse whether she is comfortable with you stepping away from a steady income. Her emotional and financial comfort will determine how smooth your transition is.

In short:
Keep your job, continue your startup or investing interest part-time, strengthen your finances, and plan a structured exit once liabilities are cleared. Freedom feels best when it’s backed by security, not uncertainty.

Contingency buffer and health insurance details:
For detailed financial planning and portfolio reconstruction, please connect with a Qualified Personal Finance Professional (QPFP).

Disclaimer / Guidance:
The above analysis is generic in nature and based on limited data shared. For accurate projections — including inflation, tax implications, pension structure, and education cost escalation — it is strongly advised to consult a qualified QPFP/CFP or Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD). They can help prepare a comprehensive retirement and goal-based cash flow plan tailored to your unique situation.
Financial planning is not only about returns; it’s about ensuring peace of mind and aligning your money with life goals. A professional planner can help you design a safe, efficient, and realistic roadmap toward your ideal retirement.

Best regards,
Naveenn Kummar, BE, MBA, QPFP
Chief Financial Planner | AMFI Registered MFD
https://members.networkfp.com/member/naveenkumarreddy-vadula-chennai

...Read more

Dr Karan

Dr Karan Gupta  |328 Answers  |Ask -

International Education Counsellor - Answered on Nov 10, 2025

Career
Hello. I am currently a student in Amity Noida with a 100 percent scholarship in BTECH BIOTECHNOLOGY course. I have been alloted ICAR-IVRI izatnagar, Bareilly for the same course. The fees is not a problem anyway. My ultimate goal is to go abroad for foreign studies and work. I already have spent 2 months in AMITY and have started adapting to the atmosphere, the study, the people and my hobbies. I live in Delhi. I will have to shift to Bareilly for IVRI, which will take me time to adjust with, being away from close people and it will temporarily take a toll on my gym training. I wanted to ask if going to amity or IVRI matter when I am applying abroad? Will being in Amity Noida, detoriate my chances of going abroad? Should I let go the chance of IVRI or will I regret it heavily? Is staying in Amity fine or should I go to IVRI for the name? The course alloted in IVRI is also Btech Biotechnology. A response would be truly appreciated.
Ans: Both Amity Noida and ICAR-IVRI offer BTech Biotechnology, so academically you’ll be fine either way. For studying abroad, admissions focus more on your grades, projects, research, and profile than the exact college name. Since you’ve already started settling in at Amity and it’s close to home, staying there won’t hurt your future plans. IVRI has a strong reputation, but moving and adjusting could temporarily affect your well-being and routines. If comfort, stability, and continued growth matter to you now, staying at Amity is perfectly reasonable—you won’t be at a disadvantage for abroad opportunities.

...Read more

Dr Karan

Dr Karan Gupta  |328 Answers  |Ask -

International Education Counsellor - Answered on Nov 10, 2025

Career
Hello. I am currently a student in Amity Noida with a 100 percent scholarship in BTECH BIOTECHNOLOGY course. I have been alloted ICAR-IVRI izatnagar, Bareilly for the same course. The fees is not a problem anyway. My ultimate goal is to go abroad for foreign studies and work. I already have spent 2 months in AMITY and have started adapting to the atmosphere, the study, the people and my hobbies. I live in Delhi. I will have to shift to Bareilly for IVRI, which will take me time to adjust with, being away from close people and it will temporarily take a toll on my gym training. I wanted to ask if going to amity or IVRI matter when I am applying abroad? Will being in Amity Noida, detoriate my chances of going abroad? Should I let go the chance of IVRI or will I regret it heavily? Is staying in Amity fine or should I go to IVRI for the name? The course alloted in IVRI is also Btech Biotechnology. A response would be truly appreciated.
Ans: Both Amity Noida and ICAR-IVRI offer BTech Biotechnology, so academically you’ll be fine either way. For studying abroad, admissions focus more on your grades, projects, research, and profile than the exact college name. Since you’ve already started settling in at Amity and it’s close to home, staying there won’t hurt your future plans. IVRI has a strong reputation, but moving and adjusting could temporarily affect your well-being and routines. If comfort, stability, and continued growth matter to you now, staying at Amity is perfectly reasonable—you won’t be at a disadvantage for abroad opportunities.

...Read more

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