I am a 38-year-old software engineer from Pune, married for three years. My wife often keeps comparing me to her ex and other men. I used to ignore it earlier and it started affecting my self confidence. But now I feel she is doing it to make me feel incompetent and irresponsible. I do not want to be compared to other men. This is leading to unnecessary fights and arguments. How do I handle the constant criticism without losing my confidence?

Ans:

Dear A,

Some people love comparing just to hurt the person.

Now why she wants to hurt you, is something that I don’t have information on. (Your mail is very brief with not much information shared).

If you do almost everything to make her happy as you have mentioned, why would she compare you with other guys?

Obviously, there is something that she feels a lack of. So instead of going mad or running away from it, can you in fact love her and care more for her?

At times, women just need a lot of care and attention, and they respond beautifully to their man.

Maybe she misses that attention from you. If you feel that’s not the case, sit down and talk frankly.

Most of the times, clear and frank communication solves most marital issues. (These are general suggestions as I don’t have much information from you to work on.)

So, communicate more, love more and care for her more.

All the best!

Ans: Dear Veeraraagavan,
It is unfortunate that people bring up things from the past into the present moment and ruin what can be created NOW.
But it's possible that your wife wants to bring out the hurt caused to her in the past, now. What can anyone do? But if she isn't willing to set it aside, there is little that you can do to appeal to her. I am not qualified to say who will be born as what in the next life or whenever.
Maybe you can have one of those candid chats with her simply hearing her but you can keep aside her taunts of next lifetime etc as it does not hold any merit.
Her life's journey and evolution is perhaps what it is for her and just be supportive of that even if you don't agree with the choices that she has made including not being able to maintain relationships with her close family. It is what it is...
So, choose rebuilding your mind to align with hers and vice-versa and even if something that she says is hurtful, brush it away as she is hurting from the past. Smile and who knows she may someday let go of all that hurt with your silent, smiling care and support.

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Was this a sudden change or has it been like this since you joined the company?
Do others who report to the same manager feel the same like you do? If not, you may start looking at what gap exists in what you do and perceive and fix that. Also, it would be mature to actually have a one-on-one meeting the manager and take an honest feedback on your work. That will give you an idea on what your performance level has been. Have you been meetings targets, deadlines and living up to the expectations the company has of you when you were hired?
You need to understand that the manager is also answerable to someone, right? Request for that one-on-one and be open-minded and LISTEN. That meeting will not be to defend your actions but to actually listen and it will give you a good indicator as to whether things seems unreasonable or if there is a lack that you must fill.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Hello mam. Well, mam comparisons are never healthy for any relationship even if they are said casually. And i could understand from your mag that you are not married yet. If not, and you are getting emotionally drained now how will the things go when you ll be a married couple? Just sit calmly and think about it. If required then talk to someone you trust, may be your parents.
Take care
Regards
Dr Upneet Kaur
Follow me on:
https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
He's just playing the immature person and passing it off as though you are the problem for that.
A person who has accepted himself fully can never accept anyone else because their job is to see what is wrong and try and fix it. He's doing that you.
What I would say is: Stand your ground by having a straight face, listening and then just letting it be...(hard but it just gives him the satisfaction of throwing it out)...now, before you jump to any conclusions, here is what doing this will give you. Once he complains, he will keep quiet and when there is no reaction from you, eventually he will try harder and then give up...the best way to defeat someone in this kind of an emotional brawl is to actually be SILENT! Hard to do, but it will work...
And you also get to be who you are...Now, when he's going to accept himself etc is a long road ahead but take this one step at a time...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/