Hi, I am 58 Yr old Male with 29 yrs into arranged marriage. I have 2 daughters. I am being treated like a stranger in my own house. My wife does not give respect, no value, no love and affection care. Always negatives talking about me for everything. Not listen to any thing regarding family or personal matters. I am not earning much. I am doing my best doing business services. For everything I need basic amount to manage my business until it develops. There is no support for this from my family. Instead of supporting and motivating me, She is always negative about me. She knows I am not earning enough and unable to meet major transactions. She has come from a wealthy family were as I am not. She has helped in providing financial support many times. Now past 3-4 yrs, her behavior has changed. She taunts and blames me for she providing the financial support. Whatever she has provided is always used for family. she knows that. I am unable to focus on my business development. She's gives negative feedback about me to my daughters and they also behave same with me, Instead of supporting and motivating me. There is no intimacy or sex past 1 year. Hardly 1 once in a month earlier, after I force (make positive effort) her lovingly. I love her very much. But this is making me lose that love & affection on her. In our 29 yrs of marriage, she never initiated intimacy, love. Always I been doing it. She never shows interest in getting physical right from 1st day. She has not kissed me even once or hugged me voluntarily in these 29 yrs. I initiate everything. I am romantic. She is not. She gives one or the other reason and avoids. She avoids kissing. She never liked gifts i bought for her. I want her to wear different dresses, but she rejects. Though we sleep on same bed, she just sleeps off. When i go to her, either she pushes or says she has to wake up early sleep now. Even with so many days gap, when I initiate intimacy after 1-3 months, but she taunts saying I only want that from her. I have been hugging, kissing and showing love, affection care on her right from the 1st day of marriage. The same thing is missing from her. I have tried many times talking to her in polite way, trying to woo her, but of no use. I have approached many times we can have one on one talk and sort out any issues she has with me, but she avoids coming into talking terms. I have tried to talk saying lets understand whats going wrong. If I start generally talking, she starts arguing, negative talking and avoids the main discussion that forces me to shut my mouth. when we go out on a 2-3 day trip, she enjoys outing seeing places, food & sleep. Doesn't behave romantically, lovingly. It's just like same as at home. Even I know I am not earning much and trying best to do well. She always keep telling about her money and financial support and her parental house with arrogance & attitude. She has been good with her parental side, but not my side. I believe both husband and wife should take care of family together irrespective of who is more financially strong. Just because I am not earning well, this type of treatment I don't understand. If it was recent few yrs I can understand. But right from day one I have been facing this. Now I've stopped talking much and in silence going through loneliness.
Ans: Dear Prashanth,
I understand that it has been quite difficult for you. After 29 yrs, feeling unwanted, unsupported and criticized can leave anyone extremely lonely. Your problem sounds a lot bigger than just lack of intimacy. There are long-standing communication issues, and both emotional and financial issues. This cannot be solved with romance alone. The better step is to stop pursuing intimacy for now, since your partner is uninterested, and instead focus on having a structured conversation, such as, "Are you willing to work on this marriage, to make it better?" If she refuses to discuss these things with you, I suggest seeing a marriage counsellor; it will be an impartial party looking into the matter, without supporting one over another.
Hope this helps.
