Home > Money > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8940 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 15, 2025

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 15, 2025
Money

I am 42 years old. Recently bought a home with a loan of 1.14cr where emi is of 98k. I have a OD personal loan of 13L where now the emi is 15k I have credit card outstanding of around 6L where i am just paying the minium due of around 35k My salary is around 1.85k Cas of these emi have stopped my MF and have put the savings of MF in buying the house. I have around 9L in shares and no other savings expect NPS n EPF Pls suggest how to repay and start saving

Ans: You are managing multiple loans along with a home purchase. Though the EMI burden is heavy now, this can be structured and managed well. Let's work on a 360-degree roadmap to reduce debt and restart investments.

Let’s build this plan with clarity, simplicity, and practicality.

1. Assessing Your Current Financial Position

Your monthly income is Rs. 1.85 lakhs.

Your fixed EMI outgo is Rs. 98,000 for the home loan and Rs. 15,000 for the OD loan.

Minimum credit card payment of Rs. 35,000 is being done, but the outstanding is Rs. 6 lakhs.

Total monthly outflow on loans is around Rs. 1.48 lakhs.

This leaves only Rs. 37,000 per month for all other expenses and savings.

Your MF investments are currently paused, and funds used for house purchase.

You still have Rs. 9 lakhs in shares, NPS and EPF as your long-term savings.

This situation is serious, but not unmanageable.

2. High-Priority Action: Stop Credit Card Debt from Growing

Credit card debt is the most expensive debt in India.

Interest charges are around 36% to 42% annually.

Paying only the minimum keeps you in a debt trap.

Make this the top priority: Stop using credit cards now.

Cut all discretionary expenses like dining out, shopping, OTT subscriptions, gifts, travel.

Focus only on needs like food, basic bills, kid’s school, and loan EMIs.

3. Emergency Actions: Deal With Credit Card First

You are paying Rs. 35,000 per month and the loan is not reducing.

Use Rs. 3 to 4 lakhs from your shares portfolio to reduce this outstanding.

Even selling now is better than letting credit card interest eat your money.

Credit card interest eats savings faster than markets can grow.

Prioritise debt freedom before thinking of growing wealth.

4. Consolidate and Restructure Loans

You are paying three EMIs: Home, OD loan, and Credit Card.

Talk to your home loan bank for a top-up loan.

Ask if they can offer you a top-up at the home loan rate.

Use the top-up to pay off OD loan and credit card completely.

This converts high-cost loans into low-cost home loan EMIs.

Your EMI tenure may stretch, but your monthly burden reduces.

It also improves mental peace and cash flow.

5. Break the EMI Trap Cycle With Discipline

Once your credit card is cleared, do not swipe it again.

Make a strict rule: If you can’t pay in full, don’t use it.

Build discipline of spending within what is left after EMIs.

Use debit cards or UPI only for regular payments.

This avoids falling into credit dependency again.

6. Control Expenses Using a Cash Envelope System

This is a simple system for better control.

Withdraw money for weekly needs in cash.

Divide it into envelopes: Groceries, Transport, Utilities, Child Expenses.

Spend only what’s in the envelope.

This helps you live within budget and reduce online impulse spending.

7. Protect What You Already Have

Do not redeem from NPS and EPF. Keep them for retirement.

Do not sell them even if they look attractive now.

Keep at least one lakh aside in savings account for emergencies.

Avoid new liabilities till all loans are under control.

8. Restarting Savings in a Gradual Manner

Once your credit card is cleared and loan EMIs stabilise, resume savings.

Even Rs. 2,000 to Rs. 3,000 per month SIP is a good restart.

Choose actively managed mutual funds through a certified MFD.

Do not go for direct mutual funds now.

Direct funds don’t guide you emotionally or strategically.

Regular funds through MFD with CFP give advice, discipline, and hand-holding.

Direct funds seem cheap, but wrong timing can cause big losses.

Regular route gives human touch and correct asset mix.

9. Why Index Funds Are Not the Right Fit Now

Index funds are passive, they follow the index blindly.

They can’t protect you from market falls.

You need fund managers with experience to reduce risk.

Index funds don’t have downside protection.

Actively managed funds bring strategy, balance, and better alpha.

10. Protect Your Family with Insurance First

Check if you have a term life cover. You are the earning member.

Ideally, you need 15 to 20 times of your annual income.

That means Rs. 2.5 crore to Rs. 3 crore term cover.

Premiums are very low if bought early.

Also, ensure Rs. 10 lakh to Rs. 15 lakh mediclaim cover for family.

One hospital bill can wipe out your hard work.

11. Rebuild Your Investment Strategy Slowly

Start SIPs slowly after 6 months of debt control.

Rebuild portfolio with 3 to 4 diversified equity mutual funds.

Focus more on large and flexi-cap categories.

Don’t go for high-risk small cap or thematic funds now.

Build SIPs till you reach Rs. 15,000 per month over 2 years.

This way you balance loans and long-term wealth creation.

12. Plan for Short-Term and Long-Term Goals Separately

Short term: Clear debts, control expenses, rebuild emergency fund.

Medium term: Resume SIPs, build Rs. 5 lakh liquid fund.

Long term: Retirement, child education, home renovation.

Link each investment to a goal. That builds motivation and focus.

13. Set Financial Discipline for the Next 24 Months

Use a journal or Excel sheet to track monthly cash flow.

List all income, expenses, and balance.

Review it with spouse every month.

Set rules for spending and stick to them.

Celebrate small wins like closing credit cards or saving Rs. 5,000.

14. Don’t Try to Time the Market With Shares

Your Rs. 9 lakh in shares is useful now.

Use it to pay off high-cost debt as discussed earlier.

Once you are free from credit burden, slowly enter back in equity.

But do that only with mutual funds, not direct stocks.

Stocks need time, study, and attention.

MFs are better for busy working people.

15. Align Your Mindset with Financial Peace

This house is an asset. Enjoy living in it without money stress.

Your income is good. Your challenge is high EMI burden.

This is temporary. With action and discipline, it will ease.

You don’t need high returns now. You need stability.

Respect money, and give it direction with a plan.

Finally

This is a phase. You are not alone in this.

Many professionals face this after big purchases.

The important thing is to not freeze or panic.

Your next 6 to 12 months are crucial.

Focus fully on clearing credit cards, restructuring OD, and reducing pressure.

Then resume your investments step-by-step.

Avoid high-risk schemes or shortcuts.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner regularly to stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
Money

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8940 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 30, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
Hello Sir, I m 44 year old women having 29 lakhs in equity & ELSS, 6 lakhs in PPF and 25 lakhs in FDs...I have retired now as was tired of doing sales job ..my question is I have 12 lakhs home loan to repay...my monthly expenses is 25k ...shall I pay that loan amount entirely now or the emi of 23 k till 2029 is feasible in my case?..
Ans: Considering your financial situation and retirement status, let's evaluate both options:

Paying off the Home Loan Entirely:
Advantages:
Eliminates the burden of debt and interest payments, providing peace of mind and financial freedom.
Saves on interest payments over the loan tenure, potentially resulting in significant savings in the long run.
Considerations:
Paying off a substantial portion of your savings (12 lakhs) may reduce your liquidity and emergency fund.
Evaluate whether you'll have enough savings left for emergencies and to maintain your desired lifestyle.
Continuing with EMI Payments:
Advantages:
Preserves your savings and liquidity, allowing you to maintain a financial cushion for emergencies and unexpected expenses.
The EMI of 23k per month may be manageable given your monthly expenses of 25k, allowing you to maintain your lifestyle.
Considerations:
You'll continue to have the burden of debt and interest payments for the duration of the loan tenure.
Evaluate whether you're comfortable with the ongoing financial commitment and potential interest payments over the long term.
Factors to Consider:

Emergency Fund: Ensure you have an adequate emergency fund to cover at least 6-12 months of living expenses.
Investment Opportunities: Consider whether you can potentially earn higher returns by investing the lump sum amount elsewhere.
Peace of Mind: Assess the psychological benefit of being debt-free versus having ongoing loan payments.
Ultimately, the decision depends on your individual preferences, risk tolerance, and financial goals. If being debt-free brings you peace of mind and you have sufficient savings for emergencies and retirement, paying off the loan entirely may be a prudent choice. However, if you prefer to maintain liquidity and have confidence in managing the EMI payments comfortably, continuing with the EMI payments could also be a viable option. Consider consulting with a financial advisor to assess the best course of action based on your specific circumstances.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8940 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 18, 2024

Listen
Money
Hi I am Rao, 35 Years old, I have accumated balances of 12 laks in MF, 2 lakhs in PPF , NPS has 2.5 lakhs, Blance of PF is over 10 lakhs and stocks worth 1 lakhs. My Take Home salary is 1.4 lakhs living in Hyderabad. I have EMIs of 42k for my home loan of 48 lakhs taken in 2019 for 20 years, perosnal Loan emi is apprx 20k, SIPs in to Equity Mutual funds 20k, PPF 3k, NPS 4k. I love learning new cources and spending approxly 2lakhs every year on new technlogy and approx 2lahks for travelling comes to approx 20k per month overall. I am planning to by a car worth 12lahs on road and should cost addtional 20k for fuel and EMI. I want repay my home loan early what is the best way? should I start additional EMIs or have a seperate SIP for 10 odd years given that there is a great potential in the market to clear the oustanding amount of 40 lakhs. I am discplined investor and dont miss out any EMIs or investments which brought me here, wanted to understand if this is good option or any tweaking is required in my finance? Please advise.
Ans: Current Financial Situation
Age: 35 years
Location: Hyderabad
Take Home Salary: Rs 1.4 lakhs
Home Loan: Rs 48 lakhs (taken in 2019 for 20 years), EMI of Rs 42,000
Personal Loan EMI: Rs 20,000
Monthly SIPs: Rs 20,000 in equity mutual funds
PPF Contribution: Rs 3,000 monthly
NPS Contribution: Rs 4,000 monthly
Learning and Courses: Rs 2 lakhs annually (~ Rs 16,667 monthly)
Traveling: Rs 2 lakhs annually (~ Rs 16,667 monthly)
Car Purchase Plan: Car worth Rs 12 lakhs, with additional Rs 20,000 monthly for fuel and EMI
Accumulated Balances
Mutual Funds: Rs 12 lakhs
PPF: Rs 2 lakhs
NPS: Rs 2.5 lakhs
PF: Rs 10 lakhs
Stocks: Rs 1 lakh
Key Considerations
Debt Management: High EMIs for home and personal loans
Investment Strategy: Existing SIPs and contributions to PPF and NPS
Future Commitments: Potential car purchase and associated costs
Financial Goals: Early repayment of home loan and disciplined investment approach
Evaluating Options for Early Home Loan Repayment
1. Additional EMIs
Advantage: Directly reduces the principal amount, leading to significant interest savings over time.
Disadvantage: Reduces your monthly disposable income and might strain your budget.
2. Separate SIP for Loan Repayment
Advantage: Potential for higher returns from the market, which can be used to repay the loan lump sum.
Disadvantage: Market risk; returns are not guaranteed and depend on market performance.
Recommended Strategy
A. Debt Prioritization
Focus on High-Interest Debt: Prioritize clearing the personal loan first due to its likely higher interest rate compared to the home loan.
Channel Extra Funds: Allocate any bonuses or surplus income towards additional EMIs for the personal loan.
B. Structured SIP Approach
Start a Separate SIP: Set up a dedicated SIP to accumulate funds for home loan repayment.
Allocation: Aim to invest Rs 20,000 monthly in a diversified equity mutual fund for the next 10 years.
Growth Potential: Given the long-term horizon, this can potentially yield higher returns, aiding in substantial repayment.
C. Maintain Existing Contributions
Continue SIPs: Maintain your current SIPs of Rs 20,000 to ensure long-term wealth accumulation.
PPF and NPS Contributions: Continue with your PPF and NPS contributions for tax benefits and retirement savings.
D. Budget for Future Commitments
Car Purchase: Reevaluate the necessity and timing of the car purchase. If essential, consider a smaller loan amount to avoid overburdening your finances.
Additional Costs: Plan for the additional Rs 20,000 monthly for the car's fuel and EMI by reassessing discretionary expenses.
Financial Discipline and Adjustments
Maintain Emergency Fund: Ensure you have an adequate emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses.
Expense Management: Track and manage discretionary expenses like courses and travel. Ensure these do not impede your loan repayment goals.
Review and Rebalance: Periodically review your investment portfolio and rebalance as needed to stay aligned with your goals.
Final Insights
Early repayment of your home loan is achievable with disciplined financial management. Prioritize paying off high-interest debts first. Start a separate SIP for home loan repayment, leveraging the market's growth potential. Maintain existing investments and ensure you have a well-structured budget to accommodate all commitments without straining your finances.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8940 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 13, 2025
Money
Dear Sir, I am 39 years old with a home loan of 14 lakhs outstanding. My EMI is Rs 37500 rs, and I have 4 years left in the tenure. My monthly income is 2.25 lakhs. I have mutual fund investments worth 24 lakhs, gold bond worth 3 lakhs, and a short term fixed deposit of 12 lakh as emergency fund which Is 12 month expense in case of emergency. Should I use some of my savings to prepay the home loans or continue paying EMIs and let my investments grow? Or can I lower my emi to 20000 rs from 37500 rs and use the remaining 17500 rs in equity investment.
Ans: You are 39 years old with a monthly income of Rs. 2.25 lakhs.
You have a home loan of Rs. 14 lakhs outstanding with an EMI of Rs. 37,500.
The loan tenure remaining is 4 years.
You have mutual fund investments worth Rs. 24 lakhs.
You hold gold bonds worth Rs. 3 lakhs.
You maintain a short-term fixed deposit of Rs. 12 lakhs as an emergency fund, covering 12 months of expenses.

Your financial discipline and foresight are commendable. Let's analyze your situation and explore the best course of action.

1. Home Loan Prepayment Considerations

Prepaying your home loan can reduce your interest burden.

With 4 years left, interest savings may be moderate.

Prepayment can provide psychological relief from debt.

It can also improve your credit score.

However, consider if prepayment charges apply.

Some banks may levy penalties for early closure.

Ensure you have sufficient liquidity post-prepayment.

Avoid dipping into your emergency fund for prepayment.

Evaluate if the interest saved outweighs potential investment returns.

2. Mutual Fund Investment Perspective

Your mutual fund corpus is substantial at Rs. 24 lakhs.

Equity mutual funds have historically offered 9-12% annual returns.

Staying invested can potentially yield higher returns than loan interest saved.

Mutual funds offer liquidity and flexibility.

They can be aligned with long-term financial goals.

Consider the tax implications of redeeming mutual funds.

Long-term capital gains above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term gains are taxed at 20%.

Evaluate if the net returns justify staying invested.

3. Emergency Fund Adequacy

Your emergency fund covers 12 months of expenses.

This is a robust safety net.

Ensure the fixed deposit is easily accessible.

Avoid using this fund for loan prepayment or investments.

Maintain this buffer for unforeseen circumstances.

4. Adjusting EMI and Redirecting Funds

Reducing EMI to Rs. 20,000 can free up Rs. 17,500 monthly.

Redirecting this amount to equity investments can build wealth.

Ensure that the extended loan tenure doesn't increase total interest significantly.

Consider the opportunity cost of lower EMI versus higher investment returns.

Align this strategy with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

5. Tax Implications and Benefits

Home loan interest payments qualify for tax deductions under Section 24(b).

Principal repayments are eligible under Section 80C.

Prepaying the loan may reduce these tax benefits.

Evaluate the net tax impact before making a decision.

Consult a tax professional for personalized advice.

6. Psychological and Emotional Factors

Being debt-free can provide peace of mind.

It reduces financial obligations and stress.

However, consider if this aligns with your long-term wealth-building goals.

Balance emotional satisfaction with financial prudence.

7. Final Insights

Maintain your emergency fund intact.

Evaluate the interest saved from prepayment versus potential investment returns.

Consider reducing EMI and investing the surplus if it aligns with your goals.

Ensure any decision supports your long-term financial objectives.

Regularly review your financial plan with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8940 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 03, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 28, 2025Hindi
Money
Sir I just purchased a home and loan started from May 2025 Total Loan 4959000/- and given tenure is 30 years. I have a car loan monthly emi is 12985/-, 2 years remaining. One persoal loan 4000/- per month, 86k remaining. Term insurance per month 2800/- Lic total yearly 45k Monthly sending money to home 15k Grossery travel and all other expenses- 41k I have a few fixed deposit 10lakhs, 7 lakhs and 3 lakhs. Mitual fund every month 7k investment going on. Sofar 1.8 lakhs is there PF till now I have around 2.5 lakhs. Salary 1.47 lakhs per month. I want to repay my homloan as soon as possible and want to invest more as well as want to keep emergency fund. Please help me.
Ans: You have shared openly about your income, expenses, loans, and investments.

That helps in offering clear and useful recommendations.

Below is a detailed 360-degree review and action plan.

Income and Cash Flow Overview

Monthly salary is Rs. 1.47 lakhs.

Current fixed monthly outflow is about Rs. 85,000.

This includes all EMIs, LIC premium, expenses, and family support.

You are saving Rs. 7,000 monthly in mutual funds.

Cash surplus is around Rs. 55,000 per month.

It is good that you are already investing and sending support home.

But the loans and long tenure need careful attention.

Loan Assessment and Prioritisation

Home loan: Rs. 49.59 lakhs, 30-year tenure.

EMI details not shared. We assume approx. Rs. 38,000–Rs. 40,000 EMI.

Car loan EMI: Rs. 12,985. Will end in 2 years.

Personal loan: Rs. 4,000 EMI with Rs. 86,000 balance. Low balance.

Home loan interest is usually lowest. So pay other loans first.

First, close the personal loan fully using existing FD.

Rs. 86,000 can be paid from the Rs. 3 lakh FD.

This will save interest and reduce EMI load.

Car loan has 2 years left. Consider closing in the next 6–9 months.

Don’t touch all your FDs at once. Emergency fund is important.

For home loan, don’t rush closure immediately.

Focus on building fund first and invest smartly.

Emergency Fund Planning

Ideal emergency fund: 6 to 9 months of expenses.

Your current fixed monthly cost is Rs. 85,000.

Emergency fund required is Rs. 5 lakhs to Rs. 7.5 lakhs.

From your existing FDs of Rs. 20 lakhs, keep Rs. 7.5 lakhs aside.

This fund should be kept in a separate bank account.

Use sweep-in FD or liquid mutual fund to earn returns.

Emergency fund gives peace of mind and avoids future debt.

Review of Existing Fixed Deposits

You hold FDs of Rs. 10 lakhs, Rs. 7 lakhs, and Rs. 3 lakhs.

Keep Rs. 7.5 lakhs as emergency fund as discussed.

Use Rs. 86,000 from Rs. 3 lakh FD to close personal loan.

Remaining approx. Rs. 12.5 lakhs can be reinvested.

FD interest is taxable. Returns are around 5–6% post tax.

Long-term wealth creation needs better options.

You can invest in mutual funds with a longer horizon.

Systematic Transfer Plan (STP) from liquid fund to equity is better.

Mutual Fund Strategy – Need to Scale Up

Monthly SIP is Rs. 7,000. Total corpus is not shared.

With Rs. 1.47 lakh income and Rs. 55,000 surplus, SIP can increase.

Step up SIP gradually to Rs. 20,000 over 6–12 months.

You may follow below breakup:

Rs. 8,000 in large cap

Rs. 4,000 in flexi cap

Rs. 4,000 in multi-cap

Rs. 4,000 in mid cap

Avoid small cap at this stage due to higher volatility.

Avoid index funds. They track the market but can’t beat it.

Index funds don’t have downside protection.

They lack active fund manager expertise.

Actively managed funds adjust to market cycles.

They reduce risk and enhance performance.

Direct mutual funds may appear cheaper but can be risky.

Without guidance, mistakes are common.

Choosing and rebalancing direct funds is not easy.

It is better to invest through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular mutual funds via a CFP-managed MFD offer better handholding.

It ensures suitability, reviews, and adjustments as per your goals.

LIC and Insurance Coverage

You pay Rs. 2,800 per month for term insurance.

This is good. Continue this without any changes.

LIC premium of Rs. 45,000 yearly is a concern.

LIC traditional plans give low returns (4% to 5%).

Check if any of these are ULIP or Endowment plans.

Surrender them only if minimum years are over.

Reinvest that amount in mutual funds after careful analysis.

Insurance and investment must be kept separate.

Home Loan Strategy and Early Closure

Many feel early closure of home loan is best.

But this needs to be balanced with other goals.

Your home loan interest is likely lowest among all debts.

Instead of full prepayment now, start a separate fund.

Create a “Home Loan Prepayment Fund”.

Invest Rs. 20,000 monthly into a balanced fund.

After 3–4 years, use the amount to part pay the loan.

This gives better returns than FD or loan prepayment now.

Don’t compromise emergency fund or investment for EMI savings.

Regular part payments every 1–2 years help reduce tenure.

This gives both flexibility and tax benefits.

Provident Fund and Retirement

PF corpus is Rs. 2.5 lakhs.

Continue your monthly contributions.

Do not withdraw PF even during financial pressure.

Let this grow for retirement.

It offers safe, long-term and tax-free returns.

Support to Family and Monthly Expenses

Rs. 15,000 sent home monthly. Keep continuing as per family need.

Rs. 41,000 for grocery, travel, and expenses is acceptable.

Try to track and reduce unnecessary spends.

Use simple tools like Excel or app to budget.

Saving Rs. 5,000 more monthly helps in long term.

Suggested Monthly Allocation Going Forward

Let’s assume you build Rs. 7.5 lakhs emergency fund and close personal loan.

Here is an ideal monthly plan:

Home Loan EMI: Rs. 38,000

Car Loan EMI: Rs. 12,985

LIC Premium (average monthly): Rs. 3,750

Term Insurance: Rs. 2,800

Family Support: Rs. 15,000

Expenses: Rs. 41,000

SIP in Mutual Funds: Rs. 15,000

Home Loan Prepay Fund SIP: Rs. 15,000

Total: Rs. 1,43,535

Surplus: Rs. 3,000 buffer monthly for flexibility

Finally

You have steady income, good saving habit, and valuable assets.

Closing small loans first is more efficient.

Keep strong emergency fund. Don’t skip this step.

Grow your investments smartly with proper asset allocation.

Don't rush to close home loan fully now.

Use SIP and part payments every few years.

Stay away from direct funds or index funds.

Seek help from a Certified Financial Planner for better guidance.

This gives clarity, confidence, and better wealth growth.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |602 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 19, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2025
Relationship
Why do men ghost after sex? I met this amazing guy on Hinge. He was 27, well-mannered, and worked in a data firm in Mumbai. We spoke daily for three months and had amazing chemistry. From music to food, we discussed everything under the sun. We went on a couple of dates to get to know each other. When we got comfortable, we got intimate and eventually had consensual s** at his friend's house party. One week after we got intimate, he just vanished. No replies, no calls. It was my first time, so I kept wondering if I had done something wrong to upset him. My friend says it could be post-intimacy guilt. But I feel embarrassed, ashamed. I can't shake off the shame. Did I move too fast? Is this how dating works now? How can I go back to feeling normal again?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am really sorry you are going through this. What happened is just as confusing as it is hurtful. Let’s get one thing straight, you did nothing wrong. You are not at fault here. Nothing you could’ve done or said should or could cause this reaction.
Coming to your first question, it is very difficult to answer it without generalizing all men. But some of the most reasons for this could be:
He got what he wanted. It sounds crass but in most cases, this is the truth. He had no intentions of being more than just that.
He might be avoiding responsibility. He didn’t want more, and the mature thing would have been to sit down and have that discussion with you. But, maturity isn’t easy and he chose the easy route, that is to ghost. His decision to disappear is a reflection of his nature, not yours.
Coming to what your friend said, it could be that too, but the chances are slim. Some men do feel overwhelmed but disappearing for over a week is a stretch. Again, it’s his unreadiness to feel so many emotions, not yours.
Now, I want to gently nudge you towards one thing: you said you feel ashamed. Shame creeps in when you hold yourself accountable for someone else’s actions. And also due to societal prejudice. Keep both aside, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Did you move too fast? To be honest, there is no fast or slow in these things. There’s no set timeline. You did what you felt was right in the moment. And you were ready to step up, but he went MIA. The entire unfortunate turnout is not because of your pace but his lack of respect. Even if he comes up with a good enough reason for this disappearing act, I still want you to remember that not even for a second, you had anything to create this situation.


I hope this helps.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x